Another one bites the dust.

Ya know how it's a bad idea to re-date ex-boyfriends? Well...I was just reminded that the same idea should go for best friends too.

Silver lining...?

Silver lining.....?

Hmm......I got it. True Love. Again. Yay me!

Long story short. My hubby and I went on a long weekend ski trip to Breckenridge, CO with another couple, one of the people being my "best friend" Blondie. Over the entire weekend she didn't say more that 5 sentences to either of us. By the time I had alone time with her to discuss how she was acting or to see if there was something wrong, I felt so out of place and uncomfortable, that I actually wanted nothing to do with her. Also, my body was so beat up from falling on my face down the mountainside, all I really wanted to do was enjoy my buzz in bed and watch some cheesy movies, while the mens did some night skiing.

The day after getting back from an extremely uncomfortable weekend I might have abrasively demanded an explanation for her behavior. I was extremely emotional, on edge, and disturbed by the whole ordeal that my execution of the discussion started off rough and ended up even worse. I put her on the spot and she threw a hissy fit and proceeded to read (type via text message) me the riot act.  She told me to grow the fuck up and turned the whole thing around on me. In the end I told her that we weren't the people we thought we were and to take care. SEE....I can take the high road too. Kinda.

Here's the thing about the whole situation. I only lit the fuse to the bomb that exploded that bridge. Blondie provided the dynamite. Problems started years ago. Tiny red flag after tiny red flag started to appear. Trying to be the better person and not let weird, little petty things come in the way of a friendship. A relationship that I fought to rebuild after she turned her back on me years before and I had reached out to her about 5 years ago. As the years went on I noticed her core values changed and changed in a way very different from my own. People change. I get it. Some grow with you, some grow away from you. We grew apart. Proof I wasn't really ever that important to her. Proving to myself, also, that she wasn't really that important to me either. In the end we should protect ourselves and our values. If someone isn't adding any sort of value to your life then what's the point of having them around? Isn't it counterproductive in the pursuit of happiness?

Okay back to the silver lining. If I hadn't pushed Blondie to leave her comfort zone and give this Minnesota man a shot she would not be engaged to him right now. AND I mean really had to convince her to give him a chance. I've always fought for the fairytale romance and look what happened. You never know what could happened and now I can sleep easily knowing that my purpose in this friendship was greater than us actually being friends. Yay me! I can say that this is not the first time it's happened, but that's not here or there.

I went through this once before with Blondie but it was me in the hot seat and her that walked away. Well.... I need to walk away and it's okay. It's in times of solitude is when we truly find ourselves. I hope she finds what she's missing.


Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

P.S. I was accused of burning bridges but all I wanted to do was talk. She blew that bridge up and it needed to be done.

You tell me and you tell me NOW

It's Tuesday and I feel like I'm back being a bartender. People think, somehow, it's a glamorous life to be a bartender but it really isn't. I felt morally and ethically compromised being a bartender for a long period of time. With that said, I do not feel that I am compromising my morals by any means right now. I feel like I'm standing still, in an elevator, waiting for my floor of uncertainty to arrive and listening to the worst of Kenny G in the process. (Sorry mom. Easy listening is not easy to listen to for me).

So here I am. I have it really good compared to a lot of people and I'm not saying that to brag, I'm really not. I am saying that because something is missing. I feel like I should be doing more. Feeling more. Moving more. Experiencing more. Just more. But I don't know what it is.

I went back to painting for a very short period of time and it hasn't filled me up. I've had my highs and my lows. I've run around like a crazy person and I've sobbed in bed for a couple days straight. But where do I go from here. Where is my joy? How do I find it? Who do I ask? I'm emotionally laying low and incognito. I feel bipolar and almost ready to snap, then again it's almost numbing.

I am truly blessed with what and who are in my life, so why am I not elated? Why do I feel so empty? And why aren't the answers smacking me in the face?

I sold a painting and it was nice to give a little part of myself to someone who wanted it. Is that it? Am I not wanted? Do I crave necessity from a deeper place? Should I grab my notebook and painstakingly crave my grey heart out in poems that makes others weep for me?

I have found that my best works of anything have comes from the deep, dark, painful hollows of my soul. That place no one likes to visit, yet I know all to familiar. The place my rage comes from. hmm? Something to look into. If something is stirring, it needs to come out. If it doesn't, my anguish will continue.

I want to sleep for days. But alas, I cannot.

To the bat cave!

All Saints were Sinners

First and foremost, God is Love. Unconditional, puppy loving, bright light shining, mom hugging, love. With that being said, He does let the Universe balance itself out and allows obstacles in your way to help make you a better person by battling those lessons. I am a product of this.

As an observer of life and people in their own little worlds, I have a tendency to get sucked into them. Sometimes my observations are welcomed, other times they are not appreciated, though they are always asked for.

Recently I let myself get sucked into some neighbor drama that slowly leaked itself into my life. Bad Misia Bad! What I have learned from all of this that unless you are working with both parties at fault nothing good will come out of the situation for the mediator. At this point I wanted to be the mediator but was a friend that chose sides. I chose a side because of my painful past that I had to survive through. I still have a deep scar from a painful relationship I had to claw my way out of. So, of course it wasn't hard to side with my girl dealing with crazy. But here is where I come at fault. She wasn't getting rid of the crazy, she was trying to dealing with, mold and transfer the crazy into something she thought she had from before. Instead of kicking crazy to the curb she let it back in thinking it would change.

It got to the point where I was hearing the same shit over and over and over again. Things that as young adults we go through and as we get older should have a lower tolerance for. This was not the case. The day it affected my relationship was the day things were not going to change with or without my help.

Exit stage left. For the sake of my own relationship, for me choosing side when I should have kept myself out it. For the damage I've felt and compassion I feel for others. I am learning to say when enough is enough for my life. It takes longer than most, I'm just a big mush ball inside. Far reach from my post the other night.

With all that being said. If you continue to be yourself, making mistakes and all, if you can take a step back and make sure all is right in your world, the world itself with right its own wrongs.

I'm sorry this post isn't more exciting or full of deeper thought provoking ideals. But I'm not dead yet. More to come eventually.

Mistakenly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Don't think I won't light you on fire

I have been known to maybe kinda lose my cool. I would like to think when I do it's warranted and well deserved. Last weekend was about 93% deserved.

My love and I were our with the neighbors for a 30th surprise birthday party. From start to finish and everything in between was so much, I'm so happy I was a part of it. Throughout the evening little did I know that my love was dealing with a douche bag in disguise. I later to come find this out as he was about to rage out on this pea-brain individual. At this point the whole lot of us were inebriated. I was not as bad as the rest since drinking is completely different for me now that I have switched to a gluten free diet. I drink less because I drink wine now. I don't chug it and I get a buzz a lot quicker than anything.

I go outside to get some air and notice my love is 2 seconds from losing his mind with rage. Trying to figure out what was going on and what might happen in the near near future, like my husband going through a wall, I decide that it is time to go. I am one all about options. I assess situations and come up with 2 possible decisions to make with different outcomes. So 1. either confront this little douche bag and let's be done with it. Or 2. we're leaving. Apparently the options I had to given were both unacceptable, leaving my husband snorting steam from his nostrils about to go all "Torro" at dude.

So, I took it upon myself to get down to the bottom of this. I went into confronted the douche bag at hand and to no surprise this little POS had nothing to say to me. In the mean time a good girl friend of mine proceeded to put herself in between myself and said douche. Without running her over and trying to explain the situation, MissMissyMissCalmDown made the wrong move in deciding to tell me what to do and how to do it. As controlled as I could be defending my lunatic of a husband, I explained this dispute and nothing to do with her and this little shit had some explaining to do. Within a few minutes Senor Douche stands up and decides to tell me "F*** your husband".

Exsqueeze me? Does this dude not know a slightly disturbed I am and what damage I am capable of? Apparently not. I take a couple steps closer to him and MissMissyMiss is not getting her way, I'm not agreeing with her and now she's taken the side of this guy, explaining some shit about he's our friends cousin blah blah blah. I don't give a fly monkey fawk who's cousin this is, I'm gonna drag this guy out and show him us Polish ladies handle disrespect in the family.

At this moment MissMissyMiss has been offended and telling me to leaving. I tell her how much of a douche her friend is, get her priorities straight and proceed out the door, dragging my husband behind me to the truck. I would like to say it ended there but it didn't. At home there was more Tasmanian devil like behavior but that's not here or there right now.

Since MissMissyMiss is(was, pretty sure still is) a friend of mine, I chose NOT to run her over, toss her to the side or verbally slice her apart. I chose to leave before I left bodies on the floor. Aren't I nice? I make it into bed and wake to a voice mail from my friend wanting to talk it out and move on. Usually I'm not one to sweep things under the rug. I like to acknowledge, dissect and move forward. After a day or so I decided this was ONE instance that was never to be talked over again. No good was going to come up it.

Moral of the story: If I have something to say, 93% of the time it's with good reason and well deserved. Let the chips fall where they may. Don't make fights that aren't your own and just sit back and enjoy the ride. Get in my way and there's a small chance I'll either push you, climb or pick you up and set you out of my way. It's not wise to stand there all toughy tough and get verbally slaughtered.

Thank God these instances so far and few in between.

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry