Where to begin....again?

I look back at all my "drafts" and can barely remember what they were about. Before kids, that was the way I used to jot down my ideas and finish them at a later time. These days, if my notes aren't detailed enough, I have zero idea what I needed to do. And I am okay with that. 

So here I am, yet another version of myself and I couldn't be happier, intrigued, excited and scared all at the same time. I know I'll go back in time and fill you guys in what happened over the last......holy shit, 10 years. Until then I will catch you up on today. 

I am a stay-at-home mom of 2 boys, 1 thick female dog, named Gypsy (who loves me most), the proud owner of a soccer mom-mobile Explore to fit said thick dog and children, newly acquired Bronco owner (husband's lifelong dream vehicle), suburban gym going, roommate having, energy healing human expanding her consciousness and raising her vibration every chance I get. Don't get me wrong, I will still scream at people who drive like psychos but that's limited to maybe a couple times a year. 

If you caught all that, yes you read energy healing. I am studying and will be certified in becoming an energy healer by next year, 2024. A far stretch from my schooling as a graphic designer, psychology major or early childhood. My long stretch as an admin of any sort, office manager, assistant, operations anything is long gone and the thought of going back makes me want to peel my skin off. 

I've been awake since 5ish. ICK! but knowing if I had fallen back asleep and woken up at 6ish it would have made me feel worse. So here I am, back on my decaf wagon once again. I'm going to try and put my thoughts together and figure out what I actually want to talk about from this day forward. 

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Roadblocks and reflections

 The day I threw my back out jumping onto a box. I had it coming to me. 

I've been trying to immerse myself in all things spiritual and metaphysical. And by immerse I mean trying to read a good 15-30 of my book a week....a week! That means I don't have the drive or energy I once had 10 years ago. I blame the little people but I digress. 

Over the last couple of months I have noticed that some of my closest friends have dealt with some serious emotional issues. Whether it's fighting loneliness, recovering from trauma, ending relationships or moving forward in their relationships. It's been a hella lotta emotion this year. I have a theory. Because of this pandemic, it is forcing a lot of people to stay home and deal with their shit, ie their mental shit that they so easily distracted themselves from before with outside world stuff. This topic is to be covered at another time, at a later date. 

Back to my shenanigans. As I am being me and trying my best to save my little world and help those with their issues by texting, messaging, FaceTiming and taking phone calls, along with handling my life, 2 young boys, being a homemaker, the holidays and trying to get my broken ass to the gym. And then the busy started. The longer I kept up with emotional battlefield the more things started getting into my way. I became busier. Doctor's appointments started popping up, car things needed to be fixed, new recipes for my gut issues had to be shopped for, my house needed to be tended to on a grander scale. One thing lead to another and I was so mentally drained that instead of going to the gym, which is one of my happy places, I just started staying home cleaning, organizing, or checking out when I should have been reading or even napping. 

The signs kept coming but I didn't understand them. I had shit to do and my people wanted help!

And then the crashing down it came. First it came on Thanksgiving when a cousin was trying to reconnect with via text message while I was preparing for our small, yet festive dinner. My anxiety and emotional triggers got the best of me and I snapped off. I later apologized for snapping but had to remind her these deep conversations were not to be had in the middle of a holiday I was preparing for and to please be conscious of my time and not just her own.

A couple weeks later came another instance where a friend got pissy with me this time because I was not catering to emotional needs. Yeaaaaa.......no. The only people that can hold any expectations on me at this point in my life are my immediate family. Husband. Kids. Mom. Everyone is going to have to take a ticket and wait until their number is called. All for the best though because people need space to figure shit out. I'm people. 

I finally started getting back to the gym. Not on a regular basis but I was trying. I helped out a trainer with some videos which boosted my ego. And then it happened. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't focused on myself. I noticed my back getting sore. I jumped and missed. I cracked my shin. I walked it off and was fine. Then I started noticing my back getting worse but still helped out with a video. By the time I got home I was a mess. I had completely thrown my lower back out. Fuck getting old. This sucks. Now I have to deal with this and everything else comes 2nd, and that goes with everyone else. 

The universe was trying to tell me, let it go, let them figure it out, don't answer that message, don't take that call, you need to focus on you and only you....and the mens. So here I am. Broken and totally frustrated with myself but I hear you universe. Message received. No play dates right now. Just me and my guys enjoying Christmas lights and mommy trying to not wince in pain. Good times. I need to research more recipes. I'm off. 

Oh, the moral of my story. If you start to notice random roadblocks popping up, take some time to sit and reevaluate why. What is the universe or your Spirit Team trying to steer your towards or away from. In my case, the universe wanted me to simply pull myself back into my little world and focus on myself and my little family of men. And I’m completely okay with that. They’re my everything and I need to always remember to be taking care of myself. Because if I’m not okay how am I supposed to be able to take care of anyone else? 

Reflectively yours, Merry Ms Berry

A lifetime later.

 I can’t believe it’s been over three and half years since my last blogger post. So, since 2017 so much has happened, and I don't even know where to start. I will defiently not try and fill in you guys about all that's happened. That would be a super boring read...or at least long winded. I'll start off with what happened in my last post. 

Shortly after finding that an ex-best friend that written about me 5 years prior, I actually reached out to her to thank you for acknowledging my existence. Over the years I bothered me that she bothered me. I come to realized that I still felt hurt pretty badly. And that usually only happens when I really care for someone. I'm one of those people that loves their friends and family, if allowed, wholeheartedly and with everything I am. I can't help it. I fall in love with people. I find people and their worlds fascinating, and if I can be part of those worlds I do. 

In 2018 I had my 2nd child. It was an experience very different from the first, but I will go into that another time and what I learned from that experience. During the time shortly after he was born is when I reached out to my ex-bf to thank her for the acknowledgement of me in her life. From there, it opened something I was not prepared for....her. She wanted to rekindle our relationship. I was scared. I didn't know how to approach this. I've mended relationships before but not of this caliber. So I tiptoed slowly into getting to know her again. A new her and a new me. Both 10 years old. Both married. Both with 2 boys and lifetimes of experiences between us. Day by day we shared a little bit more. I started digging more and she offered up information I was too scared to ask about what actually happened around the time we fell apart. From what I knew for myself, to what I was told by a shady ass bitch named Jen, to the actual truth that was shared with me, I was able to find a peace within myself, forgiving her and along with forgiving myself. There was so much damage being healed and I was excited to have my friend back. 

Here's why I am writing this. I can blow up a bridge, metaphorically speaking, like it was my job. Not only like it was my job but I owned the damn company. I'm a strong advocate of boundaries by any means necessary. But I am, also, someone who isn't so jaded that I'm unreasonable. People fuck up. People change. People grow. Not everyone but enough that this world hasn't imploded on us yet. I guess my point in starting this part one of many posts to come is, don't lose faith in people. Hold out some hope. Let love conquer all. 

These are weird times. But again, that's for another day. I will be back. I miss writing here. I love you

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

All shook up

Yeaaaa not the old song. So damn me for being snoopy and digging into the Internet   And damn me for finding stuff I never thought I'd find. Is it 5 years later? Yes. But it's out there. I never thought  it would be.

I came across a "letter" from an EX best friend.  At first it could have been about me and at times it couldn't have. But then a few details came up that definitely screams it's about me. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt. It hurt because I once cared and all those feelings just don't disappear. It hurt because she recognized what I had done for her, which I never thought she did. It hurts because it just does. There are times I've missed her so. There are times I curse her for turning her back on me. In her defense (the only one point I'll give her) is that she didn't give me a chance to tell her what was happening to me and why I needed her. (IE super psycho, controlling, stalking, emotionally abusive douche bag that I couldn't get rid after breaking up with multiple times for what seemed like a better part of a year) She was too busy with herself to even notice me.

I've blogged about her before about the same mixed feelings when it comes to her. I've blown up my fair share of bridges and the majority of the time I revel in the gloriousness of the destruction I leave behind me. It takes a lot of hurt my feelings and it takes a lot for me to blow up a bridge. So you can imagine the level of hurt I felt.

It's been 10 years since all this happened. All in a blink of an eye. So to you if you find this. Shortly after blowing up our bridge I got married and moved away to the south suburbs. The chances of you running into me where slim. Even if that did happen I'm not one to pick fights. I would like to think I would have held myself together with some grace and just gone on by. But who knows.

I appreciate your awareness in who I was for you. I've often wondered if you ever connected those dots.

In the past 10 years I've gotten married, lost Zoey to old age, gained a cat through my husband, left corporate America, closed any businesses I tried to have, been a nanny, ran an art studio and am currently a stay at home mom to the smartest one year I know. Also, I dabble in painting on the side and make enough money to buy supplies. My life is the calmest and most serene it's ever been. It's nice.

Outside of this I don't know what else to say. I'm glad you're happy. 

Shockingly, Merry Ms Berry

Dearest Pike, Love 26 year old Mom

Dear Pike,

I am your mom at the age of 26. I have not started dating your father yet. At this point I had only talked to him for about 10 minutes back when we were in college together in the late 90's. Yes 1990's. No need to gasp, shit happens.

At 26 years old I thought I had a lot of things figured out. In my defense I had lived a lot for someone my age. I had already lost my father, your grandfather. I am currently working for one of the largest entertainment companies that runs 25 nightclubs and restaurants in the Chicagoland area. I am the Operations Administrator and had worked my way up from receptionist. Actually they didn't want to fill the position, I was next in line. I fucking rocked it! Outside of my inner office workings of legal documents, insurance, workman's compensation files, running the office and helping other managers with whatever they needed for their store, I also had many projects on the side. Not only was I a bartender at night, I was trying to get a online retail store off the ground, build teams, get clients, maintain my name with a promotional company I helped start and maintain a social life in the midst of all of it. And look good doing it all.

I was already engaged once before at a very young age, had my heart broken 3 times and went on numerous dates. Some great. Some utterly horrible. I have this beautiful white Husky named Zoey. I've already moved out twice and back in with your Gamma Diane. She always welcomes me home. Long story short, at 26 I was an ass kicking machine trying to build a life what would not only myself, but my present family and future family, who ever they may might be.

At 26, these are the things that I do not know yet and will ultimately break me down, make me cry, scream and come to terms with in my 30's.

1. Figuring out what having real faith means will save your life from the brink of disaster. When you throw your hands up in the air and just know that way ever happens, God will protect you, whether here in the physical world or in Heaven.

2. Your parents are people. They have struggled hard to be as amazing as they can be. They will make mistakes along with way. Let them. Have fun with them. We are all humans and make mistakes no matter how old we are.

3. If you're not doing what God wants you to, He will not let you succeed. I wanted to be the big bad ass business owner, connection making, hot to trot machine in black eyeliner and 4 inches heels. God had other plans for me. None of which had owning and running some super big company. But I still rock out black eyeliner and 4 inch heels.

4. Your emotions are your inner guidance system to your life. Yes, there are going to be times where you are going to have to meet where the rubber meets the road. You are going to have to push yourself harder than you've ever pushed before. Blood, sweat and tears will be expected for parts of your life that you love and respect. But, there will come a time where something doesn't feel right. Parts of life aren't going to be fun or bring you joy, and at those moments, you need to turn around and walk away.

5. People will be put in your life to learn from. Whether you're going to learn about what a great love is and how far you would go for that. Or you're going to learn how horrible people can be what you don't want in your life, and who not to give yourself to. Not a couple but many.

6. You're going to learn to have to let people go. We will have friends for a lifetime. We are going to have friends for a moment. NEVER cling onto a person that doesn't want the best for you and you don't want the best for them. Only surround yourself with people who bring value to you life, either emotional, mentally, or spiritually. Be the person that everyone can turn to but be with people that you can turn to also. No matter how long or short, sometimes it's best to let people stay or go. You'll know what the time is right.

7. You are going to experience life first hand in way I won't. But it's always nice to be armed with information and knowledge from loved ones that have walked a similar path. Your family loves you unconditionally and wants nothing but the best for you. Listen to their stories. And then live your life.

8. Make mistakes. Fail!!! Fail time and time again. Keep trying new things. Excel at a bunch. Suck at the rest. Who cares? Never fear failure. It's in those times of failure is where you will learn the most about not only yourself but your world around you.

9. Enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Ice cream. A soft blanket. A good night's sleep. Sleeping to the sound of a thunderstorm. A nap. Your favorite sweatshirt. Your favorite song. A walk in the rain. These are just a few things let will help keep you from losing your mind. There will be a time where your world will come down around and you'll have no where to go. Be still. Recoup. Enjoy the silence. Be one with yourself and all your answers will come to you.

10. What makes you happy now will most likely not make you happy later. As we age and grow as people, our likes and dislikes change along with us. I've always had a flair for art. But then I stopped. It was once my outlet for pain and then I didn't need it. And then it became my outlet for joy and it was completely different. And I will become mildly successful as an artist.

11. Love honestly. Speak from the heart. That scary, raw truth that people run from. The truth is the only thing we have. Even if it hurts you or might hurt someone else, the truth is what help make life real. Each relationship you have will be different and go into knowing that. Don't pre-judge what you don't know. Everyone is different. Learn from the last and use that to love the next different.

12. Own. your. Shit! You are going to make mistakes. Take ownership of them. Take responsibility for them. Apologize. It'll make your life so much easier.

13. As Gamma Diane says "when your home is in order, your life will be in order." I say "I like being proactively lazy." Get the annoying stupid shit done first and out of the way. That way you don't have to worry about it later and can relax as much as you want, or have as much fun as you want without caring if you have clean clothes or if dirty dishes are growing mold in the sink. Take pride in everything you have, from your car to your socks.

14. Appreciate nice thing but don't consume yourself with stuff. You can only handle one item at a time. No need to have 10 of something, except t-shirts, who doesn't love an awesome t-shirt collection. Okay, and socks. You need socks and undies. It's about quality no quantity. That goes with people too.

15. You have NO control over anyone. Not a dog, not your parents, not your friends, not your lovers, not anyone. Let them be them. You just worry about being you. People are going to let you down whether you have puppet them or not. So don't even try. Trust me I've walked that path early in life, it sucks.

16. You are not perfect. Don't act like it. I don't want you to ever think you need to be. You will never be. Trying to be perfect FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

17. Always been on time. Respect not only your time but other people's too. If you say you're going to be somewhere make sure you give yourself enough time and even an extra 10 minutes for shit to happen. Better to arrive a little early then be late.

18. Read. There are so many amazing books out there. Keep learning.

19. Make everything as much fun as possible. Your gamma once woke me up, after a long night of drinking, in the early morning to shovel wet heavy snow from the driveway. I didn't bitch or complain. I opened the trunk of my car and cranked some Christmas music. If I was going to do something that sucked I was going to enjoy some fun music doing so.

20. Appreciate everything in your life. And I mean everything. When you put that into perspective, nothing will be able to bring you down.

21. Travel. Don't put yourself into debt to do so. But if you have a choice between a fancy watch or the chance to go see a different country, go and see the world.

22. Protect your drivers license and your credit score. Only go to college if you need to succeed in something you love like being a lawyer or a psychiatrist. Debt is not something you want to drown in.

23. Take pride in your work. Whether your cutting hogs, cleaning horse stalls or making sandwiches, do it with pride and it will always show. And you will always be respected for it.

24. Protect the weak. I have a feeling that you are going to be a leader and a warrior. You're already so smart and crazy. Protect those who are weaker than you. There are many bullies in the world and we need to stand against them. Love on those you can. Kill them with kindness as much as possible but make sure the little guy gets his day in the sun too.

25. Don't let anyone change you. Don't let anyone try to make you a lemming. Don't let them put you in a box and tell you you're not good enough. You are the most perfect you ever and the world need to see you shine or others can shine with you.

26. Laugh as much as possible.

27. Cry. Get it out. The strongest of men cry. Men who allow themselves to feel and process cry, laugh, hug, cuddle, fight and stare. Allow yourself to feel everything.

28. Figure out how to be happy. Start young and continue to learn what you like and what makes you smile.

29. Stay young at heart and life will be so much more fun. Being a boring adult that takes everything serious is stupid!!!!

30. Dance. Dance great. Dance bad. Just dance. 99% of people don't know how to dance so don't worry about what you look like. Get out there and just dance. It feels amazing!

Know that we are all fucked up in some way in a fucked up world. God makes all kinds of kinds. (That's a country song). Get ready to get your hands dirty and take on the world running just like your mom and dad have. We wear our scars like badges of honor. Ask about them and we will tell you what you need to know. I am an open book and not afraid of people judging me because I really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, except from those that I love who never judge me too badly anyway.

I love you forever, now and from beyond. I will always be with you.

Love, Mommy Ms Berry

Maybe I do need some closure

For whatever reason I've had a hard time letting shit go. I was about to type out a letter for no reason just to get thoughts out of my head and send it to an ex-bestfriend. In the past when shit went down I was the first to let it go. It would roll off my shoulders and I was all about "is it what it is and it was what it was." Of course I used to smoke a lot of pot back day in the day, too. I'm sure that played a big role in my free spirit, not remembering, la-dee-da attitude. Though my memory is about 75% since having my son, there are still some things that bother me. So, instead of actually writing to those that don't deserve my attention, I'll leave it here. If by some weird chance those from my past come across it then so be it, if not then no harm no foul.

Dear you,

I've been lamenting for quite some time whether or not I would ever write to you. I had always been one to fix things, right wrongs, or keep friendships alive. I am no longer that person. It bothers me that you bother me. I'm not jealous, mad, sad, or glad for or about you. One reason is because I know you never really cared about me. I was just another pawn in your little game of life to get to things you wanted. I look back to see how manipulative you were to others and never thought I would feel that hand but I did and it was for the best.

I think why I'm bothered as much as I am is because of how much I truly cared for you. I went above and beyond more than anyone had ever done for you. Knowing you, you probably don't see anything you've ever done wrong. You've never put yourself in anyone else's shoes. You just wanted what you wanted and no one was going to tell you otherwise. The sad thing was that I only ever wanted you to be happy.

I've thought about writing about all the little things from the beginning to the end of us but it doesn't really matter. Not then and not now, except for one little thing. Without me, your life would be profoundly different. From the beginning to the end of us, not one major life change in the last 17 years doesn't have something because of me. And for that I can die tomorrow knowing my purpose was greater than most. I can say that my mere little existence has changed many lives for the better and not just yours, and that's pretty neat.

From what you think I know to what you don't think I know, I hope you are not the person that turned your back on your friends so long ago. I hope for the sake of your children you've learned some hard life lessons that will make them better as they grow.

I've received some divine intervention through dreams with regards to you. God wants me to have some understanding, compassion, and caution when it comes to you and your life. There were times I've woken up missing my friend and wanting you to go running with. Other times I've woken up glad you were gone. Either way everything had to happen for a reason. You had to leave me to find my soul mate and start a brand new chapter with a whole different world. And I know was the same for you.

In the end I hope you got your ass handed to you. I hope it made you a different and better person. I hope that you've had to fight for all that you have because before when life was handed to you, you didn't appreciate it. I hope life is life. Good. Bad. Beautiful.

Sincerely, Truly Merry Ms Berry

P.S. the funny thing about this letter is that it can actually go to a couple people. I guess I had more learning to do that I thought. Yay me learn stuff!

Holy 2015 Chapters

I say "chapters", plural, because so much has changed in ONE year. At times it seemed like an eternity ago and at others it was just a blink of an eye. But here I am, a person that in this time on Monday I will be someone's mom.

I am 41 weeks pregnant and my little guy is getting served his eviction notice on Monday. Sometimes I think knowing the exact moment your life is going to change is more nerve racking then when it just happens with no preconceived notion of it.

In January, 2015 I have traveled to Puerto Rico, took 3 planes from 4 different airports to get there in the dead of winter when it was 3 degrees outside. A great way to start to rebuilding my marriage that hung by the threads of mistrust, pain and heart break. I recommend traveling to Puerto Rico in the middle of winter. The sands, sun and water were the perfect blanket of warmth to mend frozen hearts, amongst the alcohol fueled adventures and the passion filled rooms.

In February I became pregnant with our first child. My pregnancy itself was pretty great. I didn't go all bipolar, psycho, cry at every moment. On the contrary I found most things very humorous. Except the changes to my body. If you know any of the real me, you know that I'm vain, self conscious and slightly insecure about how I look and I prefer to be cute and fit. Well, add months of cheese fries and milkshakes and all that fit and hotness goes right out the window. So be it.

In June I had to put my best friend of 14, my fur baby, the one creature that loved me unconditionally, to sleep. I still cry at least once a week. I miss my Zoey beyond words. I am not going to go into details on why she had to go, but it was time. It came on hard and fast, and she was not going to suffer out of my own selfishness of wanting her around. Everyone she met loved her. For a dog, she had the biggest and silliest personality.

In August I sold my purple "brat mobile" Monte Carlo. 10 years and almost 200k miles, she was a ticking time bomb of car repairs and it was, also, her time to go. In her place we bought a 4 door, sparkly white, turbocharged mom-mobile. Her name is Snowflake. Though her personality is not as big as the "brat mobile's" she is a good, fast car and we look forward to making hundreds, if not thousands of memories in her.

In September I traveled to the desert to paint watercolor paintings in old silver mining towns.

From the most epic of baby showers to painting the whole house, my life has been a constant change. I am blessed in so many ways and yet overwhelmed with all that is about to continue to happen. The things that meant so much to me that began new chapters in my life, Zoey, the brat mobile, are gone but opened new chapters. I'm sad because I miss them but probably more so because the new chapters aren't written yet.

On a lighter note, I have been told numerous times that I don't look 10 months pregnant. Yes, 10! It's supposed to be a full 9 months, but in all actually it's 40 weeks which is 10 months.

I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm excited, I am someone new that gets to experience a new life with no fucking clue what to expect. But the baby's room is beautiful so I have that.

I will be back.

Below is a picture of my contractions and little man's movements from a couple weeks ago. Funny how it's reflects the look of a rollercoaster.

Consistently changing, Merry Ms Berry