Sometimes it's okay to wander

Never in my 35 years alive have I not had a plan, a goal, a vision of what or where I thought I wanted my life to go, end up, and become. But here I am in place where, if 10 years ago you would have told me I'd be, I'd laugh in your face and probably be spilling my martini on your shoes in the process. Even now I have no concrete plan or ideas on what I want to do with my life.

I am currently baking a little man in the oven. I have a couple more months until he arrives and then the next chapter of my life begins as another whole new person. I've only been a "mom" to a dog, who I miss uncontrollably, but never to a little human. I've been a friend, enemy, business partner, employee, lover, fighter and probably a million other things that my "baby brain" won't let me remember, but never a 24/7, rest of my life figure head over something my body created with someone else. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it, even though billions of people have already done the same.

Who do I want to be? Where am I going? What is going to become of a life I thought I had control over? So many questions and yet I have no answers. I want to be a great mom and teach my child to be the best he can be. Through trials, failures, successes and plain ol' fun, I want to help him mold himself into whoever he feels he wants to be. Isn't that what a "parent" is supposed to do? That's what my mom did for me. She wanted me to succeed but knew I had to fail to get there.

So....now what? What can I do with myself to show my son how to be awesome? What do I work towards or become to show him that life is supposed to fun, hard, messy, painful and totally worth all of it?

I had to throw my hands in the air and let the all mighty ruler of the universe lead me to this point, maybe I should continue to do so because I have no idea what else to do. Write? Paint? Draw? Speak? I always thought I had to control every moment and make things happen, but in the end it didn't work for me like that. So here's to NOT having a plan. NOT kicking ass & taking names. NOT knowing what to do. And NOT caring otherwise. Here's to loving the moment in a life, with amazing people and just letting the rest of it go.

Curiously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Trip, fall, shatter and give me the fawkin glue.

It's been a year and a half since I left my soul sucking career in a financial office. I've been to school for an insane semester, currently a nanny for 2 crazy spoiled children and working one day a week at a creative agency that I adore with every inch of my being. Within in that time I have fallen apart a few times and have to put myself back together. Not only fallen apart professionally but emotionally.

First it was the feeling that my life was a slew of experiences that mean nothing for a future I might not ever get to really understand. I have always held myself to a higher standard when it came to treating others and taking care of those around me. Time after time, job after job I have allowed people to put me down and take full advantage of me. Those same painful "career" experiences that recently spilled into my personal life. And when I say personal, I mean all over the fucking place. From "best friends" becoming enemies to wanting to leave a life I fought so hard to built. My life and my home fell to pieces. ...... again.......

But this is life...right?

One way or another life has cycles, eb and flows, peaks and valleys.....AND I WANT OFF THIS FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER RIDE! Now that doesn't mean that I expect not to have to duck and weave throughout life but I'm totally over getting put down, stabbed in the back and having my heart broken. With these situations happening I do what I only know what to do best, kick down doors, pack of my bags and tell people to go fuck off. Yep. That's how I roll.
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Revision: I wrote the above post sometime last year. I should probably start dating these things better. I think I kept it around to allow others into a small part of my life. I might write about unicorns and roses, but unicorns shit and roses have thorns. It's all part of life and I am not beneath trudging through my own mistakes and downfalls. I'm not one to roll over and just cry about it. I do cry. I do walk. I do fight. I do cave. I do break. I heal. I forgive. I learn. I move forward. Eventually I let the walls down and let those who hurt me back in. Why? Because that's what true love means. To forgive those you love to allow them the chance to hurt you again, but having some faith that they won't because they really do love you too. I hope I am able to teach my unborn son all these things, his father and I made it through to create him out of the love we have for each other.