The day I threw my back out jumping onto a box. I had it coming to me.
I've been trying to immerse myself in all things spiritual and metaphysical. And by immerse I mean trying to read a good 15-30 of my book a week....a week! That means I don't have the drive or energy I once had 10 years ago. I blame the little people but I digress.
Over the last couple of months I have noticed that some of my closest friends have dealt with some serious emotional issues. Whether it's fighting loneliness, recovering from trauma, ending relationships or moving forward in their relationships. It's been a hella lotta emotion this year. I have a theory. Because of this pandemic, it is forcing a lot of people to stay home and deal with their shit, ie their mental shit that they so easily distracted themselves from before with outside world stuff. This topic is to be covered at another time, at a later date.
Back to my shenanigans. As I am being me and trying my best to save my little world and help those with their issues by texting, messaging, FaceTiming and taking phone calls, along with handling my life, 2 young boys, being a homemaker, the holidays and trying to get my broken ass to the gym. And then the busy started. The longer I kept up with emotional battlefield the more things started getting into my way. I became busier. Doctor's appointments started popping up, car things needed to be fixed, new recipes for my gut issues had to be shopped for, my house needed to be tended to on a grander scale. One thing lead to another and I was so mentally drained that instead of going to the gym, which is one of my happy places, I just started staying home cleaning, organizing, or checking out when I should have been reading or even napping.
The signs kept coming but I didn't understand them. I had shit to do and my people wanted help!
And then the crashing down it came. First it came on Thanksgiving when a cousin was trying to reconnect with via text message while I was preparing for our small, yet festive dinner. My anxiety and emotional triggers got the best of me and I snapped off. I later apologized for snapping but had to remind her these deep conversations were not to be had in the middle of a holiday I was preparing for and to please be conscious of my time and not just her own.
A couple weeks later came another instance where a friend got pissy with me this time because I was not catering to emotional needs. Yeaaaaa.......no. The only people that can hold any expectations on me at this point in my life are my immediate family. Husband. Kids. Mom. Everyone is going to have to take a ticket and wait until their number is called. All for the best though because people need space to figure shit out. I'm people.
I finally started getting back to the gym. Not on a regular basis but I was trying. I helped out a trainer with some videos which boosted my ego. And then it happened. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't focused on myself. I noticed my back getting sore. I jumped and missed. I cracked my shin. I walked it off and was fine. Then I started noticing my back getting worse but still helped out with a video. By the time I got home I was a mess. I had completely thrown my lower back out. Fuck getting old. This sucks. Now I have to deal with this and everything else comes 2nd, and that goes with everyone else.
The universe was trying to tell me, let it go, let them figure it out, don't answer that message, don't take that call, you need to focus on you and only you....and the mens. So here I am. Broken and totally frustrated with myself but I hear you universe. Message received. No play dates right now. Just me and my guys enjoying Christmas lights and mommy trying to not wince in pain. Good times. I need to research more recipes. I'm off.
Oh, the moral of my story. If you start to notice random roadblocks popping up, take some time to sit and reevaluate why. What is the universe or your Spirit Team trying to steer your towards or away from. In my case, the universe wanted me to simply pull myself back into my little world and focus on myself and my little family of men. And I’m completely okay with that. They’re my everything and I need to always remember to be taking care of myself. Because if I’m not okay how am I supposed to be able to take care of anyone else?
Reflectively yours, Merry Ms Berry
