One for awhile....

I have about a dozen posts that I've started, some with just titles, some with actual content that needs revising, finishing and posting. Here's the thing, I will be going over all of them, seeing which ones are actually important to be out in the world and then I'm taking a break.

I've come to some really hard realizations about myself, my personality, my little quirks and how my obsessive, need to be bigger, better, faster than who I am now stems from when I was way younger. I had a mini-meltdown over the weekend. Within this meltdown, I noticed that all the things I was expecting from the world I, also, need to start expecting from myself or not expect and just let go.

Last week I started writing a book. A book on how the effects of my relationships helped shape the person I am today, and how I thought I was successful to knowing when I found the person I am meant to be with. The first major part of this book started with my dad. I started writing in present form, a tense that I am not very familiar nor comfortable with. It was like I was reliving being 6, 10 and 16 years all over again. Though I am at peace with my father and his passing, I started to realize that my love for change, my inability to appreciate stillness, stability and a calm existence is in result of my dad. My passions for constantly learning new things, the idea my life isn't good enough, and thoughts that I must help others and ultimately change the world, are also caused from the past of inconsistencies, the stress of having to be perfect and putting everyone else's needs in front of my own. Yes, emotionally I am past the pain and anger from my past. But it came to a complete shock to how those incidences left, possibly, permanent mark in my personality.

On top of the whole "daddy issue thing", I was feeling this huge disconnect from my hubby, couple that with running into one of my ex's. AND not just an ex, "the ex", my ex-fiance. My first love and first person that I said I would spend the rest of my life with. After that and a day alone with nothing but my thoughts left to question my being as a whole. The thing about "the ex" is that the issues that I had with him, I would never have with my hubby. But the issues that I would never have with the ex, are the ones that I am having with my hubby. It's like trying to pull a piece of thread off your sweater and unraveling the whole damned thing.

So this is what I've come up with. I have a lot of emotional recall that I have to do. Before I can ever write about having or even getting close to being in a healthy marriage, I have to sort out my own demons. Hopefully my hubby will be on board with that and will pick up the pieces while I try to sort through the mess. I never claimed to be perfect, especially in my relationships. I really only claimed that I was the queen of dating, because yes I was a badass. Funny thought!!! My ability to morph into someone's dream girl and making them fall in love with me was a bi-product of my past. Stupid spiderweb on interconnecting like madness.

So from all of this, I also have to ask myself, did my husband really know who he fell in love with? Did I set us up for failure? Was I going along on false pretenses? I am the person I want to be or the person I think I should be? Is hubby my soul mate, and if not how will I know and should I stay if down line we just don't fit together?

So with this time away I will be focusing on me and my book. Time away because I know diving into the past is going to be a hard, tormentous, and hopefully liberating time for me. I need to focus on me so I come out even better and wiser to be able to love you.

Shakingly yours, Merry Ms"guided" Berry