not to be writing every evening. At this moment instead of focusing my emotion efforts on those I care about, my readers and other emotionally crazy fabulouses', I'm sorting through my Epic because with its current update all my songs got messed up. Now tell me, what would be more productive with my time? Sorting music, which I can do on the train to and from my gerbil cage made of brick, or writing down my life in bold type to eventually share with the world and possibly help those that are looking for it? Ok...ok...okay! I got it. So here I am typing away, getting mentally prepared to re-spill my guts out on digital paper. Here's the thing about it. I like to write when I am alone by myself, just me and my thoughts. Right now is as good as any. My hubby is passed out on the floor, I have laundry doing its thing, and I just finished a glass of tea....NO I am 70 years old. But damn it certainly sounds like it doesn't it. I'm not going to be much more "alone" than this.
Why this is just restarting now you ask? Over the summer, me and my mighty pen took to the summer sunshine and began to rip my mind apart via notebook. The first chapter that seemed fitting to start with was one of the biggest, my dad. I want to write a series of books on how all the relationships in my life helped carve out the person I chose to be and ended up (presently). I wrote in the present tense. Now if you are an avid reader of mine, you will notice that I kinda jump all over the place, not sticking to one tense or another. I write how I talk, it's my thang. Its how I resonate and choose to read authors that do the same. Being the ever dying perfectionist, I chose present tense so my readers are in my shoes, seeing what I see and feeling what I feel......holy shit was that hard! I've never written in that tense outside of poetry. come to think of it, my poetry is pretty heart wrenching also. Anyhoo, so as I am writing and spilling and thinking and filling these pages in some kind of serial killers handwriting I am reliving all the crazy, painful and strange experiences of having MY dad be my dad. Then out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks. I am and was barely in control of who I am. I thought I was. I thought I had been making a full conscious effort to mold myself to the person that I've always wanted to be. But to my dismay that is only partly true. The figurative walls of my soul started crumbling down all around me. The parts of my personality from being able to never sit still, to my constant need for knowledge, attention and affection all stem from the relationship or lack of it with my alcoholic father. Now there are major parts of myself I've been in control of, such as my compassionate awareness and love for others that I have chosen to live. But the other parts like having to be good at everything, failing as little as possible, and my fear of confrontation with those I love.....ALL DADDY ISSUES! I was a mess. I had been hiding inside of myself for the sake of my marriage, being the good wife. But it wasn't a "good" thing at all because I wasn't being me. Yuck! Because I rock! And my hubby needs to see that!
I, also, saw how that pattern started showing up in all my other relationships. Now I guess its not that bad considering I married a wonderful man, even though he has few but similiar traits of many other Aquarians in my life. Not "all" bad. At least I can acknowledge those traits and know when to dodge the incoming spray of unbridled, sometimes delusional, emotion. YA, I said it! Oh, my dad was King Aquarius!
So with that all being said, I had A LOT of emotional clean up to do. It was also a time where I totally lost myself once again. I am constantly changing back and forth, never really knowing my purpose or my identity and that's a scary thing for a control freak like myself. Before I could come back to writing and spilling my life, heart, blood and tears on paper, I had to make sure that all the cracks that I have in my heart are acknowledged and on the mend. Yes, I was scared to write. This is what happens when you decide to become totally and completely transparent for the sake of others. They see your scars and to my surprise some of my scars were open confused wounds aching for a healing touch of acknowledgement.
So there it is. Even though you will not being seeing all that I write for my series of books, whaaaaa I know. I will keep you updated on my progress, breakthroughs, and epiphanies. This is going to be a hard journey for me because it's still ongoing.
Enlighteningly yours, Merry Ms Berry
November 15, 2011
November 2, 2011
Living up to who's Potential?
Recently I had a conversation with a friend that I've known since I was 16. He's one of those people who is too smart for his own damned good. At one point in our lives we had been very close and after a couple of years that ended. Though he has an IQ of 150+ his EQ hasn't quite caught up just yet. Have you ever noticed that you could sit and talk to a genius about everything except moving through the past and dealing with emotions?
Within this conversation I told him how much of a force of nature that he truly is. Then, he proceeds to tell me that he believes people when they say that he's not living up to his potential. Now, I grew up with that saying. I LOATHE THAT SAYING. It's like telling someone that they have a great personality when you don't want to call them pretty. Parents, peers and teachers do not realize that telling a child that they are not living up to their potential is basically telling them that they are not good enough. Even though they have the best of intentions when they say these things, why do they think that they know how to live our lives? Do we ever know? Isn't doing our best at something we love really living up to OUR potential?
I was told this many times. I was always the black sheep and did what felt right and not what others did (and I was great at it). It was at one point in my life that I started doing things that was expected of me, only to get sucked into the bullshit of the 9-5, gerbil wheel, made to feel worthless positions in life. But since everyone else was doing it, I was expected to suffer along with them. When I was going to school for art, had a long distance boyfriend and worked full time in the service industry I had more money than a 19 year old really should have to deal with. A few years later I tried to live up to the potential that others put in front of me. Only to because vanilla, grey, dead inside and either broke from money or broke from time. A little piece of my started to die. Talk about inner torment. Live for others and you will die by their hands. Live for yourself and light the path for others to shine! (man this good stuff right there!)
My genius friend is now and continues to believe that he's not living up to his potential. Could he take over the world, I'm sure with the right vehicle he could and should. He is one of those people you thrive to be around, but getting close is so hard you ache to know him. But then he'll push you away with words that cut you like a knife. He is one of those you hate to love and love to hate.
As we continued to chat I asked him why? Why does he believe that he's not good enough now? With all that he's experience to know, he's lived life more than people that are 70. From relationships, to moving, to loss and health issues, he's always come out on top and never once ever asked for help. Alas, he is doomed to suffer living somewhere outside of today.
Who do we think we are telling people that are missing their mark? Let's think about this. Who's potential are we supposed to be living up to? What exactly are we supposed to be doing to live up to something? Why is just being present in the now not good enough for some people?
I think about how the course of my life could have changed if I had gone to a different school, if I didn't mean this or that person, or if I didn't go on this date or that. I think about these things when I'm bored and doze off into lala land. It means nothing because I bring myself back to reality and see how it all panned out. I see how all the little threads of my life interconnected themselves through the good, the bad, the insane and the weird to become my now. It's truly wonderful to see.
Everything and anything has the potential to change. The earth has the potential to explode. I have the potential to become a porn star. A truck has the potential to hit me on the way home. Everything has potential, but it's fake.......it's not real. You can't grab potential. You can only use it to maybe help guide you into the future. Never listen to someone else's idea of your potential. Do we all have the room to grow and change, of course, but this is our only constant and it's up to ONLY us to figure that out.
Potentially yours (JK).......Lovingly yours, Merry (fired up) Ms Berry
Within this conversation I told him how much of a force of nature that he truly is. Then, he proceeds to tell me that he believes people when they say that he's not living up to his potential. Now, I grew up with that saying. I LOATHE THAT SAYING. It's like telling someone that they have a great personality when you don't want to call them pretty. Parents, peers and teachers do not realize that telling a child that they are not living up to their potential is basically telling them that they are not good enough. Even though they have the best of intentions when they say these things, why do they think that they know how to live our lives? Do we ever know? Isn't doing our best at something we love really living up to OUR potential?
I was told this many times. I was always the black sheep and did what felt right and not what others did (and I was great at it). It was at one point in my life that I started doing things that was expected of me, only to get sucked into the bullshit of the 9-5, gerbil wheel, made to feel worthless positions in life. But since everyone else was doing it, I was expected to suffer along with them. When I was going to school for art, had a long distance boyfriend and worked full time in the service industry I had more money than a 19 year old really should have to deal with. A few years later I tried to live up to the potential that others put in front of me. Only to because vanilla, grey, dead inside and either broke from money or broke from time. A little piece of my started to die. Talk about inner torment. Live for others and you will die by their hands. Live for yourself and light the path for others to shine! (man this good stuff right there!)
My genius friend is now and continues to believe that he's not living up to his potential. Could he take over the world, I'm sure with the right vehicle he could and should. He is one of those people you thrive to be around, but getting close is so hard you ache to know him. But then he'll push you away with words that cut you like a knife. He is one of those you hate to love and love to hate.
As we continued to chat I asked him why? Why does he believe that he's not good enough now? With all that he's experience to know, he's lived life more than people that are 70. From relationships, to moving, to loss and health issues, he's always come out on top and never once ever asked for help. Alas, he is doomed to suffer living somewhere outside of today.
Who do we think we are telling people that are missing their mark? Let's think about this. Who's potential are we supposed to be living up to? What exactly are we supposed to be doing to live up to something? Why is just being present in the now not good enough for some people?
I think about how the course of my life could have changed if I had gone to a different school, if I didn't mean this or that person, or if I didn't go on this date or that. I think about these things when I'm bored and doze off into lala land. It means nothing because I bring myself back to reality and see how it all panned out. I see how all the little threads of my life interconnected themselves through the good, the bad, the insane and the weird to become my now. It's truly wonderful to see.
Everything and anything has the potential to change. The earth has the potential to explode. I have the potential to become a porn star. A truck has the potential to hit me on the way home. Everything has potential, but it's fake.......it's not real. You can't grab potential. You can only use it to maybe help guide you into the future. Never listen to someone else's idea of your potential. Do we all have the room to grow and change, of course, but this is our only constant and it's up to ONLY us to figure that out.
Potentially yours (JK).......Lovingly yours, Merry (fired up) Ms Berry
November 1, 2011
Shameless Self Promotion
Whether it's 4 inch heels, red lipstick or a tight pencil skirt, there is going to be a time where you want people to notice you. Above are just a couple of my favorite "feel sexy" items to wear. Along with stumbling my way into your hearts, I also want to share some more favs of mine. From learning to make beer or wearing sparkling necklaces with my hubby's name on it, I want to show support to all things I love merrily.
A little bit more about myself is that I love to learn and do. I want to look into welding. I'm slowly mastering crocheting. I found a new love in costume makeup. I rocked it out as a zombie. You already know that I love to share whatever ever I have. From friends, to food, to my ideas. The more that's out there in world the more love that can go around.
In these times while I watch the glowing box on the wall tells me the economy is broken. We need to grab onto one another and help where we can. Whether its shopping from a friend's site or giving a few pennies in your pockets to a charity, these are the little things that help make this society great again.
Please support your local blogger, business owner and or any American making product company. There are so many products and services out there now that we need to focus who we are buying from and not only what. We can start a ripple effect and send the financial love all over.
Thank you for taking the time for others.
Ching chingly yours, Merry Ms Berry
A little bit more about myself is that I love to learn and do. I want to look into welding. I'm slowly mastering crocheting. I found a new love in costume makeup. I rocked it out as a zombie. You already know that I love to share whatever ever I have. From friends, to food, to my ideas. The more that's out there in world the more love that can go around.
In these times while I watch the glowing box on the wall tells me the economy is broken. We need to grab onto one another and help where we can. Whether its shopping from a friend's site or giving a few pennies in your pockets to a charity, these are the little things that help make this society great again.
Please support your local blogger, business owner and or any American making product company. There are so many products and services out there now that we need to focus who we are buying from and not only what. We can start a ripple effect and send the financial love all over.
Thank you for taking the time for others.
Ching chingly yours, Merry Ms Berry
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