I went from being in a toxic, extremely passionate relationship with amazing highs and horrible, soul retching lows to another one that was open, freeing, with a communicative acceptance. I learned so much from each of the relationships. This post is not about either of these relationships, it's about the one after.
I met Adam at a nightclub that I was working at (bad). Little did I know how messed up he actually was. Over the next month or so, we started texting and talking. He lived pretty far away so it was hard for us to just meet up for a casual drink, but eventually we did and it was all roller coasters from there. The best part of a new relationship is the beginning. We were able to share and talk without reservations because we were basically strangers and it was exciting to spill about ourselves. We fell madly for each other but it was so consumed with drama that I didn't really know how to approach him. Even falling for him I was freaked out but only my handy journal truly knew my fears (hint hint). He lived far but we always met in the city. We would stay in lavish hotels and eat at amazing restaurants. I had stars in my eyes. He looked good, smelled good and knew how to spoil a girl. Things changed and fast.
The conversations came to a crawl. He became lippy, angry, suspicious and a plain ol' drunk. I was mortified. In my last relationship we were able to talk about anything without fighting. It was so awesome. Now I'm with this guy that I fell for and it's all falling to pieces, in a bad way. I had gotten so used to not fighting with someone that I didn't know where my voice went. I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to verbally put this guy in his place. He was irrational, moody and thought he knew everything.
I freaked out and clammed up, mostly out of shock. He was older than me so I thought he had worked through his emotional issues. Boy was I WRONG!!! If anything, us being together only amplified them. I know that I have a tendency to do that with people, but he was over the deep end. From start to finish it was the craziest 3 months of my life. He called and broke up with me and I was completely relieved. He still wanted to be with me but not at the intensity we were at. I agreed and we tried it from there.....it didn't work. It sucked. I couldn't say anything. He was so angry. He went through the motions of trying to be a good boyfriend but the emotional side I so desperately wanted was never there. I didn't need hotels, dinners and presents. I needed someone to talk to, to care for, to love me for me.
Looking back on it now, I wouldn't change a thing. It's something I needed for myself and also it's something he needed. Even without me saying a word he figured out that he needed to take some time for himself and figure out his issues and heal from his past relationship. Being with me only brought his fears and pain from the past. I wanted to know that I could fall in love again and that's exactly what I got, nothing more. Sometimes you don't need to fight and scream to get a point across. Sometimes things get figured out in front of you while you are trying to figure things out inside of you. A lot of times it's in the still silence is when you get the answers you seek.
Even now I don't always say what's on my mind, but some how people around me figure it out. I don't know how but I'm happy it does.
Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry
