I am breaking up with you

You heard me. I'm done. I can't do his anymore. Once again you have broken my heart and made me cry. This isn't working for me. I tried to be the bigger person and continue to care but it's just too much for me now.

When I say "you" I really mean mankind as a whole. I'll break my day down for you for me to get to this point again. Yes, again.

Facebook is oozing with "day 7 I'm thankful for........blah blah blah" and at first it was nice to see but then something happened. It really started to get on my nerves. Why does it take the holidays to roll around for people to start appreciating what they have? What happened to the other 11 months of the year? How about showing some appreciation when you're sick, stuck in traffic on a rainy day? Or how about when you're stressed out, trying to make ends meet? There is always something good in your life, but people are so fixated on drama and only their only pain, that they can't see the beauty in the struggle or the light at the end of the tunnel. And THAT is why I cry. That is why it's hard for me to continue to love on others.

From there I started taking notice of everyone else in my immediate surroundings. Unless directly affected, no one really cares about anyone else. Every one just looks out for their best interest only. And people wonder my the economy is going into the shitter.

I've always been that girl that would send a random "I miss you" text or email. I would call up a friend just to check in on them and get "hey I was just thinking about you". I'm that girl that would be playing on the internet and see a picture and leave in on someone's facebook page and say "saw this and thought of you". But ya know what......RARELY do I ever get the same in return. Do I expect it? Maybe a little bit. If you ever hear my friends talk about me, it's with nothing but love and admiration. But when it comes to actually see how I am, they tend to forget that I'm human too and need a little love and attention. Even as I type this the tears are burning in my eyes. My friends good people and they are living life the best that they know how. This all falls back on me and that I just care too much for those who live in bubbles. I emotionally spread myself too thin. I expect too much from people. I expect too much from myself. Now, I'm sad and broken by no one's hand except from my own. 

My poor husband had to watch bawl on the couch cursing people in general to the high heavens.

Even on the way home from the train station, there's a lane merge and I slowed down to let someone turn in front of me. 3 seperate cars almost hit because they felt they deserved to not have to wait, while the poor person I was trying to help couldn't get in front of me. Fucking assholes!!! I can't even do something nice because fucking asshole drives around me won't let someone in. Are you kidding me?

I'm losing all faith in people. It hurts so bad to know that people helping other people is so rare that it's celebrated instead of being expected. For one day I want to be one of those people. I want to live in a bubble and care about only myself. I want to be so selfish and inconsiderate that I don't want to feel anything for anyone. I want to live completely for myself. Who am I kidding? The only thing I can do is lock myself away from the world, hoping not to care.

I was told that my biggest and strongest gift from God is my empathy and compassion. I am able to feel what people feel, whether bliss or pain. I can put myself in other peoples' shoes. It might be a gift but right now it feels like a curse. Everyone needs a friend that shows them they love them for them. Well right now, I need that friend and I fear that list is getting shorter by the minute. Thank God for that short list though. I might know hundreds of people and I can make each of them smile, but I know I only live in the hearts of few. My thoughts are constantly on others and I've decided to stop.

I am breaking up with my friends. I can't keep sending love into the universe just to see people not pass it forward. I can't sit here and watch people be cruel, mindless and self centered anymore. I am done loving the world, for they don't appreciate it. I will send my prayers always to God, because only He can handle those wishes. And its Him that will love people the way I wish I could. But for now.....everyone can GFT!

Another day and dollar.....ok not really

It's Sunday night. The bear is in his usual position on the floor, growling away. I am on my 2004 laptop, which I might say is still kicking ass and taking names. Sure it has its freeze out moments, but as of right now I am freely typing away on the comforts of my couch, watching 21 Jump Street, on low so not to distract my creative juices. Ok, who am I kidding......I get distracted by something sparkling out of the corner of my eye that may or may not be there.

I haven't written as much as I had last year, probably since I don't have as much crazy around me pining for my attention and stories about my much earned life experience. I am not sure what this post might become, whether it's thoughts on "paper" or if it will actually be useful for others in whatever journey that might be on or seeking.

I've been given spiritual affirmations, not once, not twice but 3 times over the last 10 years that who I am with is who I am destined to be with. This is our 3rd time ending up together. There are forces bigger than us working all the time to have things, places or people in line for bigger purposes that we might not ever understand. Now, if you would have told me that I would have been appreciateive of those forces 15 years ago, I would have told you go suck it.

As a slowly transforming, work in progress, control-aholic, leaving my life in the hands of anyone else but myself was not a concept that was accepted over night. Every day I fight that battle to let a little bit more go of what I think I know, or what it all means, where I should go, or where I might end up. I'm a daydreamer by trade. I love getting lost in the inner workings of my twisted mind. I am slowly learning that going to my la-la land doesn't really harm me but it doesn't really do me any good either.

I've been told that I am still a control-nazi, over organized,  lack of communication artist that needs to get back into art and swim. Swim! Not sure why. I think there's something about the lack of contact with the planet....that or I love it because it makes me feel like I'm flying. Oh, if I could have a super power, it would be flying. Hands down, every.single.time. I think that's why I like to climb things as much as I do. To get as high in the air as possible, away from reality and into an adventure. Must fly!!!!

Back to my ramblings. So I've covered soul mates, must paint, swimming, letting go....oh and I'll be traveling. I like traveling. Love seeing the world. I love being at home too. See, work in progress. I'm very more ying than yang, maybe the other way around. Not sure. Also, Monkey totem. The monkey is my spirit guide. I looked it up and ya...it's all me. I like monkeys.

So now what? AND.....I need to (again) stop trying to save the world. Stop trying or actually being there for everyone. I do what I'm good at. Being there for others and organizing. I'm told that its unneccessary and I need to focus on filling my heart for myself, and not with others. It's kinda weird to be told to be more selfish. It's not how I was raised, and I love making others smiles. But those watching out for me are right, where are those trying to make me smile? See...unbalanced.

I need to look into some art classes and stop making yarny goodness for my peeps. My new headband came out looking like my grandmother's swim cap anyway, I think that's a sign. I'm keeping it! It's a total conversation starter.

Point! I had just brought this up in a conversation I had with an ex-bf/bff not a couple days ago. I have a tendency to distract myself and obsess myself with things that make me happy to keep myself from really coming to terms with stuff. Well, I've come to terms with who I am, or might be, or should or should not be. I am who I am. I'm sure this over organizing, overly helping persona is just the left overs from all my past epiphanies. So be it. WORK.IN.PROGRESS.

So, if anyone has some got techniques to help me let go of my thoughts, obessions, mantras, anything please leave them below. I'm open to them. Yes, I know about yoga & meditation. I need to kick that up too. So, until then.....ta ta for now.

Lovingly always, Merry Ms Berry