I haven't written as much as I had last year, probably since I don't have as much crazy around me pining for my attention and stories about my much earned life experience. I am not sure what this post might become, whether it's thoughts on "paper" or if it will actually be useful for others in whatever journey that might be on or seeking.
I've been given spiritual affirmations, not once, not twice but 3 times over the last 10 years that who I am with is who I am destined to be with. This is our 3rd time ending up together. There are forces bigger than us working all the time to have things, places or people in line for bigger purposes that we might not ever understand. Now, if you would have told me that I would have been appreciateive of those forces 15 years ago, I would have told you go suck it.
As a slowly transforming, work in progress, control-aholic, leaving my life in the hands of anyone else but myself was not a concept that was accepted over night. Every day I fight that battle to let a little bit more go of what I think I know, or what it all means, where I should go, or where I might end up. I'm a daydreamer by trade. I love getting lost in the inner workings of my twisted mind. I am slowly learning that going to my la-la land doesn't really harm me but it doesn't really do me any good either.
I've been told that I am still a control-nazi, over organized, lack of communication artist that needs to get back into art and swim. Swim! Not sure why. I think there's something about the lack of contact with the planet....that or I love it because it makes me feel like I'm flying. Oh, if I could have a super power, it would be flying. Hands down, every.single.time. I think that's why I like to climb things as much as I do. To get as high in the air as possible, away from reality and into an adventure. Must fly!!!!
Back to my ramblings. So I've covered soul mates, must paint, swimming, letting go....oh and I'll be traveling. I like traveling. Love seeing the world. I love being at home too. See, work in progress. I'm very more ying than yang, maybe the other way around. Not sure. Also, Monkey totem. The monkey is my spirit guide. I looked it up and ya...it's all me. I like monkeys.
So now what? AND.....I need to (again) stop trying to save the world. Stop trying or actually being there for everyone. I do what I'm good at. Being there for others and organizing. I'm told that its unneccessary and I need to focus on filling my heart for myself, and not with others. It's kinda weird to be told to be more selfish. It's not how I was raised, and I love making others smiles. But those watching out for me are right, where are those trying to make me smile? See...unbalanced.
I need to look into some art classes and stop making yarny goodness for my peeps. My new headband came out looking like my grandmother's swim cap anyway, I think that's a sign. I'm keeping it! It's a total conversation starter.
Point! I had just brought this up in a conversation I had with an ex-bf/bff not a couple days ago. I have a tendency to distract myself and obsess myself with things that make me happy to keep myself from really coming to terms with stuff. Well, I've come to terms with who I am, or might be, or should or should not be. I am who I am. I'm sure this over organizing, overly helping persona is just the left overs from all my past epiphanies. So be it. WORK.IN.PROGRESS.
So, if anyone has some got techniques to help me let go of my thoughts, obessions, mantras, anything please leave them below. I'm open to them. Yes, I know about yoga & meditation. I need to kick that up too. So, until then.....ta ta for now.
Lovingly always, Merry Ms Berry
I admire so much how artsy and into various things you seem. I also look up to the way that you accept yourself without getting defensive or giving up on any other avenues for fun or self-improvement; it's like you're expanding yourself while accepting that nobody can be perfect.
ReplyDeleteI think you're pretty close.
thank you for noticing things that I don't even think my hubby sees. I have to remember that everything I do is "one day at a time" & "one thing at a time". It's such a weird place to be in right now. Not trying to hit a goal or prepare for something tomorrow. These are my blessings. To have nothing going on. Nothing, but time for me. SO WEIRD!!! Ok, must focus on me. What does me want? A new tattoo!!!! I'm start with that. I'll draw that up. Focus lasered. I hope your heart has found a happy medium. College is right around the corner and I must say....it's amazing!!! Especially if you know NO ONE!!!
ReplyDelete