Death is weird

Like anything else in the world, everyone reacts to death differently. Yes, it's probably because you are really going to miss that one person. Then on the other hand if that person brought you nothing but heart ache and grief, do you only grieve because you are expected to? Let's see a few examples.

My father passed away when I was in my mid-20's and if you had read any of my past posts you would know that I didn't have the smoothest or the most stable of relationships with my father. The last few months that my father was alive I was his go-to girl. My sister hadn't been around and I don't blame her. Those 2 had a worse off relationship than I did with him because she stayed around when my mom left. My sister got the blunt end of his emotional attacks, so I am no where close to upset for her not being around. Matter of fact, I would have been in shock if she was. She had every right not to be. There was something in the back of my mind that told me to be there for my dad because I didn't know how much time there was going to be left. He had lost his house and his health was fading fast. Even though he was a HUGE pain in my ass, he was still my dad and he needed my help. After my dad had passed the most emotion that I had actually  felt was one of my own selfishness. I was not going to have a dad to to "dad things" like walk me down the aisle. Even though I have no idea if he would have even made it to my wedding, it was those kinds of things that upset me. Not the drunken fights he had with me, or how I was the kid taking care of the parent. I guess I missed the idea of having the chance to have a real father-figure type dad. Recently as my sister's wedding, her new husband gave a little speech in the name of his father that has recently passed and everyone had tears in their eyes for one reason or another, but not me. I was called heartless because I wasn't crying, unbeknownst to any of the pain I had gone through with my dad and the tears I had already shed for such a figure in my life.

If someone is passing or already past in your life that you don't feel that you need to shed a tear for don't. A lot more times it's the past we want back and hold on to instead of seeing what is directly in front of us. Did I have good times with my dad, of course I did. Did I cry over those times, nope not a chance. You can't live in the past, that's why it's the past. It's a memory. Something you cannot touch but is there to help you figure things out now. If someone in your present didn't love you how you should have been loved, don't feel bad for them passing.

Death is a weird thing. It makes you want to be sad, but sometimes you are just relieved you are not obligated to care anymore. If someone wants to be in your life, they will. If they don't then what's the point in mourning since when they were alive they weren't around, and now that they are dead, they definitely not going to be around. Maybe my logic makes me a little bit more numb to death. Maybe a little piece of me died with each fight, each let down or with each of those promises broken.

So to my little Feesha. Feel anyway you want to feel. If you need to make peace with said dead person, she's listening to you right now there's no reason why you can't talk to her. If I were you, I wouldn't give it another thought. Yes, she was great to you in the past. But if she wasn't good to you in the present, then what makes her deserve your tears now? What are you really going to miss since she had already turned her back on you? I love you! Cry or don't cry. Feel or don't feel. Your logic will proceed your emotions, just like me......sometimes. Oh, and I'm proud of you for putting your foot down with SP. You a badass bitch!

Logically yours, Merry Ms Berry