The Most Dangerous place to be

is stuck in your own mind.

So. I know it's been awhile since I've written anything. In the last couple of months I've been battling an emotional war in my head. It's a horrible place to be. I had put myself in a conundrum of heart ache and confusion. For a Scorpio like me, that's a tough place to be because I really only know how to deal with one emotion at a time. Only being able to deal with one emotion at a time means that when I'm sad, I'm really sad. When I'm happy, I'm really happy.....and so on. So you can imagine the torment I have been putting myself through.

Here's the quick low down. Hubby and I are working through some communication issues and we have come through better on the other side. We lost site of being a couple and started drifting apart. Feelings got hurt, people got defensive and lines were drawn. Either we both are doing this, or we are both NOT doing this. Everyone tells me that every marriage goes through something like this, and I'm not above the norm. We are moving forward and the walls that I have built are slowly coming down. The Berry household is more at peace than it has been in months.

Now, with that being said...now for the reason for this post and the conclusions I have come to.

Being in that sad, heart broken state of mind, I tend to reminisce, lament and stalk my past. I beat myself up, asking myself if I should have done something different. I miss the great things that I once had, totally forgetting the pain tied to all of it. I was missing my first love. When things were good, we were amazing. When things were bad........restraints had to be used. Ya, it was one of those relationships. And I feel sorry for those around me that had to witness it.

The man in question is a good person. Deep down inside he's just a hurt guy trying to figure shit out. Even though we never got back together, we never let go of one another. There was a lot of pushing away and then wanting certain attention. But here's the thing about the entire mess.....I was idolizing the good parts and ignoring what was really going on. Since I was in a bad place, I didn't want to see more bad and I just accentuated the good. Then I realized that it never worked for "us" because he didn't want it to work, I didn't fight for it to work, and we were just using each other like drugs. A quick high, no real effort, a miserable crash and then we went on with our lives slightly fulfilled until the next time. This happened every.single.time! He's the ultimate bad boy and I was the unattainable female friend of everyone. Too much would have to happen for us to ever be right for each other. WhatthefuckwasIthinking? He used me and I used him. How horrible is that?

So laying in my bed this hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around my freshly painted room, in my home that I share with a man that is fighting for me. A man that has enough crazy to keep me on my toes, but has enough sense to see what he has in front of him.

Do I miss the great times, yes? But those times came with crashes to the planet so hard that I was left a broken person. So broken that even when crying on his hands and knees, begging to take him back I had nothing left inside to give. I was empty and didn't have the love for myself, let alone love for him. And this, by his hand nonetheless. How could one miss something like that? Well, it's possible. That's why your mind can be your worst enemy but also your greatest savior.

Here's to the present!

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry