True you vs. other's feelings

With each post I try to let all of you into little parts of my life, who I was, who I am and who I want to be. From the outside, I tried to look like I had to all together and that I was totally in control. The truth was that inside I was a bowling ball of emotional reckoning and obsessive control. One of my puppet tricks was to tell people what they wanted to hear in just a way to get a desired action or result from them. Now before you start judging me like I'm an evil doer, I was actually the opposite. I would use my super mind controlling powers for good. Later in my life I found out that I was actually putting other people's lives and feelings ahead of my own. I was acting in a manner that kept me in the background along with my feelings. I was used to putting other people first and sometimes that can be a good thing, most of the times its not.

After my 2nd....yes 2nd emotional/mental breakdown around the age of 17 I decided to stop putting everyone's feelings above my own. I didn't go insane and write everyone off, I was just able to freely speak my mind and openly express what I was feeling. Let me just say it felt.....AMAZING!!! I got out of my own way. I was so concerned about the turkeys in my life and I was restricting my own. From that point I knew who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to act was solely in my control and NO ONE was going to stop me (moowahahaha). Now I can't say that it wasn't all rainbows & butterflies.
My new found self was not without some push back, but the best part of being me at this point was my lack of qualms blowing people out of the water. I had been a doormat and been taken advantage of for so long that I have some seriously deep seeded resentment built up and coming out of me at a strong and steady stream. Poke the bear.....lose a hand.

I eventually leveled off and made hundred's of friends around me that appreciated my kindness, compassion and ass-kicking bad-ass-ness. I would have never created myself to be as awesome as I could possibly be if I didn't lose my mind first.

If you ever feel that no one is hearing you, open your mouth a little bigger and let the heaven's hear you. If after that there's still no change, time to change direction. I don't suggest burning bridges unless you never want someone in your life, but I have found sometimes it's necessary. I've burned quite a few in my life and I have NO regrets for it. We are not meant to friends, lovers or even acquaintances with everyone you meet. You will not mesh with everyone. Even those who you have some sort of connection, whether emotion or physical, might not stay in your life.

The only thing that you can control is you. The great you that needs to always stay true to yourself. The you that can only make you great! Stay True Blue to You!

Forever me, forever you, Merry Ms Berry

Breaking Patterns. Stop being insane.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. " Albert Einstein

Ever find yourself having the same fight repeatedly? Ever seem to find yourself in the same toxic relationship but with a different person? Have you ever sat back and wondered "this again? WTF?"

Welcome to finding a pattern. They are the hardest to realize and maybe equally as hard to break if you aren't used to doing so. 

As creatures of habit, we humans get stuck in routines and ruts where we go through the motions without even realizing that we are stuck. Or we think we need to keep "working at it", "fight through it" or just plain drive ourselves insane. 

How about a few examples?

My current place of employment for the next 4 weeks is a place that I gave a lot of, not only, chances but emotions and energy. They made me feel that I had to prove myself over and over and over and fucking shoot me please. After having proved myself more than enough times that I was smart, willing and able I seemed to consistency be "put in my place" or "passed over" or just darn right dissed. But, I kept trying. I kept going. Why? Because I did have something to prove. That I was a badass and deserved to be treated as such. It wasn't until the 3rd BURN of my current career is when I realized that things are not going to change around here and that it was me that had to do the changing. BAM! I quit. Okay fine. I put my ducks in a role, made an exit plan and gave a 5 week notice. Yes, I could have done it differently and really stuck it to them but the few people that I do work with I really do like. 

Example #2. The toxic cyclical relationship

My first long term, uber serious relationship. We were toxic from the word go, and we weren't even together yet. The land of red flags but we kept trying. And then we were together, it didn't get any easier. Passionate, firey, exciting and insane? Yes! Stable, forthcoming, easy, smooth? Not a chance. He would get insecure about how I was living my life and make not only digs at me but my friends. I would get super mad break up with for a week, take him back and let the love try to continue. Love, fight, make up. Love, fight, make up. Though the "making up" was absolutely hot and awesome, the repeated times of having to "make up" was wearing. So wearing that I had no fight left in me. I had no "make up" left in me. I had to change. He said I never gave him a chance to show me he could change. Dude, seriously? Outside of the 2 years we were together there were years before that and ever years after that. It just wasn't meant to be, but I had to change it all up to really see that. 

If you don't pull yourself away from a situation you'll never know where the change needs to happen. 

If you keep doing the same thing and you always end up shitty....change. Life is about change. Pull back, reevaluate, move forward. But change is needed. 

Epically yours, Merry Ms Berry

May 15th May 15th May 15th...keep breathing. I'll make it.

If you haven't guessed it, I have chosen the date of May 15th to start my new life. As of today I am able to register for classes, but so far I am having a hard time doing it online.

In the past month or so I have slowly been setting up my little ducks in a row to change my life...FOREVER!

May 15th will be the last day that I will be at my current corporate, fancy schmancy, downtown Chicago job. I will be going back to school and have super crazy faith that everything will turn out amazingly.

I picked this date a couple of weeks ago. Then last week I was told to think about working here on a part time basis while in school. Then I had "one of those days" where my head was spinning and I crawled home emotionally wiped the fuck out. From that day on I knew I couldn't work this "Operations Assistant" draining position and effectively go back to school.

Knowing that you get to leave a job makes being here that much harder. Though I don't have to bite my tongue I still do. The few people that are my supervisors I truly do adore and then everyone else gets on my last nerve. The lack of care and common courtesy is still amazing to me. Yes, yes, I know it's one of things that's all around the world and a part of life.

Patiently I have been taking little steps to properly set myself up for success in leaving my job. From extra classes and conferences about my new life, to making sure I've set up everything at the new school or keeping my profiles updating and visually scanning for new positions everyday. All my friends and family that I talk to so far have mostly be very supportive. Of course I get the "why don't you do this, or do that?" I always say thank you but most of it doesn't sound fun to me. I need to be completely engaged and having fun.

So....soon! It's gonna be great. New chapter of my life posts to come soon.

Excitedly, Merry Ms Berry