The Universe has your back

Ok, so I'm human. After reading only a couple posts of mine, it's very evident how very human I am. I have lived my life to make mistakes, big and small. Now I am not without second guessing my moves, even though I "should" know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I, too, think about people in my past that once offered wonderful things to how I felt, but in the same breath knocked me down so hard I cried for days. Stupid, young love. So hot and so cold.

Here's the thing. There are certain parts of my past that I miss but I left them back there for a reason. And though those reasons don't hurt like they did, they still deserve to hold their validity. Pain fades & it's this reason why bad relationships continue on. I have to make an effort to stay in the present and look forward into the future. No matter how passionate, awesome, insane or extreme my life with someone else was, it wasn't meant to be. I have to tell myself that a lot. I would never hurt my husband, he's a wonderful man and I make a conscious effort to love him everyday. But there's still a small part of me that wonders...what if?

Now I'm sure me and my "what if" would have ended things again, because I did not go without trying to see about that "what if". From the start of "us" the mess that it was to a real "us" to something that wasn't more than a few bootycalls, we had each other for 9 years. Over those 9 years, we never really got on the same page, or in the same state, or ever emotionally close to one another to try again. I pushed him away and then he pushed me away. So many raw, powerful emotions, igniting passionate raging fires both great and horrible, that I knew we weren't ever supposed to be more than a learning experience. I get this!

Here is my reinforcement. Outside of the obvious, you're married, the past is the past, everything happens for a reason blah blah blah blah. From my horoscope to this email alert I get about articles, all were about cyclical relationships and how going back to an ex is just bad. Bad for you, bad for them, just wrong all around. It ended for a reason. Somethings just won't be fixed. Even the music on my Pandora station is playing music about broken hearts and moving forward.

Yes, I miss the insanity that was so amazing that killed me when it kept falling apart. But am I willing to lose so many wonderful people in my life on something I couldn't keep a hold of in my past? NOT a fucking chance! Though I have loving friends that would support any decision I made, I would be putting so much on the line, it's not worth losing everything I wished and prayed for. Yes, my life is blessed so much, but not perfect. But I think it's not perfect because we are always supposed to working on it. Whether love or work, keeping working on life! And if you have any doubts, look at the little signals, signs and flicks to the forehead from the universe. It says, you are where you're supposed to be. Change will come when you need it. I do not what that change. If change happens, it will happen later, whenever that may be. Right now, I love where I am.

So, to my first love. Thank you for all that I experienced with you. Without you I wouldn't have anything that I have now. I learned so much, both good and bad. And to the love of my life, thank you for continuing to fight for us. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I hope it's everything we both have ever dreamed of.

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry

Low Marriage rate, what happened?

So I've been thinking about why the marriage rate is so low and the divorce rate so high(is that a repetitive sentence?)  People (mostly women) still think that getting married is the key to happiness, but far from it. There are so many articles out there are about "how to get a guy" or "how to make him love you", blah blah blah. It sounds like we are plotting to land someone using ways to change ourselves for others. We are not finding, changing and reinventing ourselves from the inside out. And when we do "land" that special someone we feel that it is now that we can truly let our guard down and be who we are meant to be.

Bam, there is lies the problem! We don't know one another.We need to be ourselves from the get go.

No wonder the divorce is so high, we are getting into marriages with people that don't even know us. I myself am was one of them. I got married very quickly. so quickly that we didn't even get into a fight before we got married. After getting married and living with each other is when the shit hit the fan. We didn't know anything about one another. We didn't know each other's hot buttons. We didn't know how to talk through a fight.  We didn't know how to agree to disagree. And why should be? We lived 150 miles apart the 6 months while we were dating and for 5 months after we were married. Our biggest fight up until then was the fight to be together. Sounds romantic, doesn't it? Well about after we got together?

When we started to really get to know each other during our everyday lives, we were total strangers. I resulted into going introverted and became a robot to my outside life, not really being true to him or myself. Relationships are supposed to be about becoming best of friends, about excepting one another likes and dislikes.

One of my biggest dislikes to this day is being knit-picked and told how to do something. I believe I've made it this far in life I don't need to be told how to do trivial housework and insignificant errands. I can't stand it, it makes me go all stabby stab. but with that being said, he was not taking the time to really get to know me either.

I guess both of us thought we knew one another well enough. Little did we know that we didn't know each at all. I never knew about how emotionally charged he could be and how he took it out on the world around him. in the same light he didn't know that I'm the complete opposite. i leave problems where they lie. I don't expect others to feel the wrath of a bad day at work, or even the drive home. I don't have road rage, he does. He's quick to snap, I am not. but if I am backed into a corner or not left alone to cool down I explode. And I mean loud, angry, spiteful and just plain mean. I hate that side about myself. Why would anyone want to push someone to the brink of their sanity?

we are lucky that we lasted the first year. shit, we are lucky we lasted the 2nd year. there are still times where I look at him and think "who is this person and what did I do?"

I know he is a wonderful man and I have to let go of the idea that we are "perfect" together, but no one really is. I'm never going to do everything right in his eyes and vice-versa. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Life is getting better. The fights less intense. He's accepting me and I'm accepting him, and all our little weird random pieces of each other.

So what is the solution? Treat the one your dating like a friend. Your best friend. Know one another. Figure each other. Get into those secretive uncomfortable conversations that only you and your best friend know. If they are still around then you know you have found someone that loves all of you, not just the good parts. Why wouldn't you want to know everything about someone? Why wouldn't you want someone to know everything about you? yes, it's super scary. That person could turn against you and use your inner most insecurities against you, but you have that same power. But if they did, then you know they're not the person for you. don't let anyone judge you on your secrets, we all have them. But if you let them all out, then you have none. It's super scary. But we are all weird in our own way. The more we know about who we are with, the better we can love and accept them. And if we can't except all of them the sooner we can end things. (Not saying you should).

I guess I should have titled this blog about being yourself and accepting others for who they are. Enough with the "games" of trying to just get someone. Be yourself and you will attract others like you. And don't we want someone like us?

The price of starting over.

As a woman in her 30's, life and relationships bring about a whole new meaning. I, myself, am not one that is afraid to start over. Some women think that ending a relationship means giving up. But if you know you're not in the right relationship doesn't that kinda mean you're giving up on yourself? I know women who are afraid to be alone, they want to be married and start a family. Sometimes this happens early in life for people, for other it happens in their 30's, other women I have met has started in their 40's. We never know when it's supposed to happen for us. Happiness comes when you choose to allow it to.

Is there a price to starting over? Of course there is. There's a price or consequences in all the decisions that we make, even the tiny ones. Most of the time we don't see these consequences until later down the road, sometimes we see them right away.

Why am I bringing this up now? Our world are in constant change. I've known this my entire life. Your life could change any minute. It's just one of those things. With that said, we are able to change our lives anytime we see fit. I know of amazing women that are fighting, clinging and hoping that their relationships turn out to be everything they've dreamed about. But over the years it's hasn't come to that. Why? Why do we cling onto relationships that don't seem to be moving forward? Of course there are lots of changes in every relationship, but are they the changes that mean progress or recess? Are we afraid that once we let go, it's only then they'll change and we'll miss out? People are slow to change, what you see is what you get.

Stay or go? If you know you're in a relationship you shouldn't be, what are gaining by staying? What would you gain by leaving? If you stay, what are you sacrificing from yourself? Are you happy? Isn't that the point of being in a relationship? Trust, faith, love, friendship are all the things I think of when it comes to being in a relationship. When you don't have those things you have disloyalty, hurt, and animosity, all things that hurt your heart.

So instead of the price of starting over....what is the price of NOT starting over? I was willing to leave a house and all its contents, take my bed, my dog and my favorite chair and leave. Why? I wanted to be happy. I didn't want to be with someone who made me feel about myself, I can do that all by myself. I needed someone to make me feel better when I got to that dark place, not to put me there.

We all deserve to be happy. We are also responsible for our own happiness. If you're not happy, it's okay to change your life. It's yours. Lead by example. Stand up for your happiness and let others see that it's okay for them to change too.

Inspirationally yours, Merry Ms Berry

Draw the line

Life is too short to kill yourself over a relationship!!!

One of my besties KamiKam has been in a relationship for the past 6-7 years with a man not very similar to her but she loves him just the same. He's got many insecurities coupled with a few shit cards that life has dealt him. It's now to the point where he is spiraling into that dark place that we all are familiar with. She herself is on a different path. In the last 6-12 months she quit a job she hated, paid all her bills with unemployment, went back to school and beat herself up finding a new job in a field that she hasn't been in for over 6 years in a market where it's harder to find a job than not. She's one of those people that when presented with a problem, she finds a solution for it. She know the true meaning in life is to try to fill your life with happiness. We are get handed shit cards, it's up to us how we play these cards.

Back to Shane. He is not playing his cards like Kami would. He taking the approach that life has shit all over him and is taking his negativity out on Kami who is trying to love him as much as possible and make him happy. Whether that's giving him space or having a quickie in the morning. But Shane is in that place where nothing is going to make him happy. Not his hot girlfriend who loves making love to him, or taking time by himself to collect his thoughts. He's being destructive, acting out and hurting Kami in the process. He's not taking the time to see or acknowledge her. He's suck in his world of doodie which is inside of his own head. He forgets that she has had many shit cards handed to her, and after talking to her you would never know that. He's lost in that dark place and unconsciously is trying to take her with him. My heart breaks for her because I know that place all too well. I myself just came out of the battle. And we came out brighter on the other side, Thank God!

She feels lost, helpless and broken that she can't make this man she loves happy. She doesn't know how to help. She misses that man she once knew. She doesn't want to "give up" on the relationship. She knows that there's light at the end of EVER tunnel. What does she do?

Draw the line in the sand.

At this point she's tried being compassionate, compromising and there for him. But he is not seeing it and totally doesn't appreciate her, what she does for him or even that she's still around. She needs to protect herself and her happiness too. She does what she can and now she has to make sure that she is okay. She just started a new career, lost weight and sees the world without a cloud that she's been in for years. And in my opinion Shane doesn't know how to handle her successes when he only sees his own misery.

Draw the line!

He needs to get help. He needs a professional  to help pull him out of that dark place because Kami nor he can do it by himself. If he refuses then she needs to let him know that she can't watch him destroy not only their relationship, himself but also try to take her down with him. That's not fair to anyone. Everyone deserves to fight for their happiness. If Shane chooses not to be happy, that's his choice. He's a grown ass man. But he can't expect Kami to destroy her life and her happiness just the sake of a relationship. No relationship is worth having if you are killing one another, physically or emotionally.

Draw the line! You must be happy first before you can make anyone else happy. Like my mom says. When you're on an airplane you must put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else with theirs.

I've drawn the line and my husband stepped up as the man I knew he would be and our relationship is stronger because of it. Don't be afraid to draw that line in the sand. If people don't own up and they lose you, that's their fault not yours.

Life is too short to stay miserable for anyone in the world. Draw the line and make people own up to their actions. If not, you don't need these people in your life, bringing you down.

Feisty as hell, Merry Ms Berry