I am breaking up with you

You heard me. I'm done. I can't do his anymore. Once again you have broken my heart and made me cry. This isn't working for me. I tried to be the bigger person and continue to care but it's just too much for me now.

When I say "you" I really mean mankind as a whole. I'll break my day down for you for me to get to this point again. Yes, again.

Facebook is oozing with "day 7 I'm thankful for........blah blah blah" and at first it was nice to see but then something happened. It really started to get on my nerves. Why does it take the holidays to roll around for people to start appreciating what they have? What happened to the other 11 months of the year? How about showing some appreciation when you're sick, stuck in traffic on a rainy day? Or how about when you're stressed out, trying to make ends meet? There is always something good in your life, but people are so fixated on drama and only their only pain, that they can't see the beauty in the struggle or the light at the end of the tunnel. And THAT is why I cry. That is why it's hard for me to continue to love on others.

From there I started taking notice of everyone else in my immediate surroundings. Unless directly affected, no one really cares about anyone else. Every one just looks out for their best interest only. And people wonder my the economy is going into the shitter.

I've always been that girl that would send a random "I miss you" text or email. I would call up a friend just to check in on them and get "hey I was just thinking about you". I'm that girl that would be playing on the internet and see a picture and leave in on someone's facebook page and say "saw this and thought of you". But ya know what......RARELY do I ever get the same in return. Do I expect it? Maybe a little bit. If you ever hear my friends talk about me, it's with nothing but love and admiration. But when it comes to actually see how I am, they tend to forget that I'm human too and need a little love and attention. Even as I type this the tears are burning in my eyes. My friends good people and they are living life the best that they know how. This all falls back on me and that I just care too much for those who live in bubbles. I emotionally spread myself too thin. I expect too much from people. I expect too much from myself. Now, I'm sad and broken by no one's hand except from my own. 

My poor husband had to watch bawl on the couch cursing people in general to the high heavens.

Even on the way home from the train station, there's a lane merge and I slowed down to let someone turn in front of me. 3 seperate cars almost hit because they felt they deserved to not have to wait, while the poor person I was trying to help couldn't get in front of me. Fucking assholes!!! I can't even do something nice because fucking asshole drives around me won't let someone in. Are you kidding me?

I'm losing all faith in people. It hurts so bad to know that people helping other people is so rare that it's celebrated instead of being expected. For one day I want to be one of those people. I want to live in a bubble and care about only myself. I want to be so selfish and inconsiderate that I don't want to feel anything for anyone. I want to live completely for myself. Who am I kidding? The only thing I can do is lock myself away from the world, hoping not to care.

I was told that my biggest and strongest gift from God is my empathy and compassion. I am able to feel what people feel, whether bliss or pain. I can put myself in other peoples' shoes. It might be a gift but right now it feels like a curse. Everyone needs a friend that shows them they love them for them. Well right now, I need that friend and I fear that list is getting shorter by the minute. Thank God for that short list though. I might know hundreds of people and I can make each of them smile, but I know I only live in the hearts of few. My thoughts are constantly on others and I've decided to stop.

I am breaking up with my friends. I can't keep sending love into the universe just to see people not pass it forward. I can't sit here and watch people be cruel, mindless and self centered anymore. I am done loving the world, for they don't appreciate it. I will send my prayers always to God, because only He can handle those wishes. And its Him that will love people the way I wish I could. But for now.....everyone can GFT!

Another day and dollar.....ok not really

It's Sunday night. The bear is in his usual position on the floor, growling away. I am on my 2004 laptop, which I might say is still kicking ass and taking names. Sure it has its freeze out moments, but as of right now I am freely typing away on the comforts of my couch, watching 21 Jump Street, on low so not to distract my creative juices. Ok, who am I kidding......I get distracted by something sparkling out of the corner of my eye that may or may not be there.

I haven't written as much as I had last year, probably since I don't have as much crazy around me pining for my attention and stories about my much earned life experience. I am not sure what this post might become, whether it's thoughts on "paper" or if it will actually be useful for others in whatever journey that might be on or seeking.

I've been given spiritual affirmations, not once, not twice but 3 times over the last 10 years that who I am with is who I am destined to be with. This is our 3rd time ending up together. There are forces bigger than us working all the time to have things, places or people in line for bigger purposes that we might not ever understand. Now, if you would have told me that I would have been appreciateive of those forces 15 years ago, I would have told you go suck it.

As a slowly transforming, work in progress, control-aholic, leaving my life in the hands of anyone else but myself was not a concept that was accepted over night. Every day I fight that battle to let a little bit more go of what I think I know, or what it all means, where I should go, or where I might end up. I'm a daydreamer by trade. I love getting lost in the inner workings of my twisted mind. I am slowly learning that going to my la-la land doesn't really harm me but it doesn't really do me any good either.

I've been told that I am still a control-nazi, over organized,  lack of communication artist that needs to get back into art and swim. Swim! Not sure why. I think there's something about the lack of contact with the planet....that or I love it because it makes me feel like I'm flying. Oh, if I could have a super power, it would be flying. Hands down, every.single.time. I think that's why I like to climb things as much as I do. To get as high in the air as possible, away from reality and into an adventure. Must fly!!!!

Back to my ramblings. So I've covered soul mates, must paint, swimming, letting go....oh and I'll be traveling. I like traveling. Love seeing the world. I love being at home too. See, work in progress. I'm very more ying than yang, maybe the other way around. Not sure. Also, Monkey totem. The monkey is my spirit guide. I looked it up and ya...it's all me. I like monkeys.

So now what? AND.....I need to (again) stop trying to save the world. Stop trying or actually being there for everyone. I do what I'm good at. Being there for others and organizing. I'm told that its unneccessary and I need to focus on filling my heart for myself, and not with others. It's kinda weird to be told to be more selfish. It's not how I was raised, and I love making others smiles. But those watching out for me are right, where are those trying to make me smile? See...unbalanced.

I need to look into some art classes and stop making yarny goodness for my peeps. My new headband came out looking like my grandmother's swim cap anyway, I think that's a sign. I'm keeping it! It's a total conversation starter.

Point! I had just brought this up in a conversation I had with an ex-bf/bff not a couple days ago. I have a tendency to distract myself and obsess myself with things that make me happy to keep myself from really coming to terms with stuff. Well, I've come to terms with who I am, or might be, or should or should not be. I am who I am. I'm sure this over organizing, overly helping persona is just the left overs from all my past epiphanies. So be it. WORK.IN.PROGRESS.

So, if anyone has some got techniques to help me let go of my thoughts, obessions, mantras, anything please leave them below. I'm open to them. Yes, I know about yoga & meditation. I need to kick that up too. So, until then.....ta ta for now.

Lovingly always, Merry Ms Berry

Sex is that drug we all don't want to crave.

People mix love & sex together all the time. We are, also, guilty of trying to detach from the two.

Inspired by my favorite blogger Miss Tirade, I want everyone to know that it doesn't matter who you are, we all crave that touch, that rush, the brush of skin on skin, that releases so much inside of us, not only physical, but chemically and emotionally.

Yes....sex can be a drug. Like a lot of things that people can get addicted to, its because of the feelings that are attached to it.

An orgasm releases certain chemicals in the brain that makes us want to be close to others, I think its called the cuddle chemical (or something along those lines). It makes us think that sex is more than it might be. Ever been with someone that makes your teeth go numb or unable to move your limbs after hours of swinging from the ceiling, disrupting not only the neighbors but every breathing animal within a 2 mile radius? Yes, it is amazing. But how about having that and then not having that person stay around just to spend time with you, to appreciate the calm, catching breathes that make you feel whole as a person and as a couple. It cuts you to the core and makes you feel utterly worthless.

I've been on the both sides of multiple coins. From having a wildly passionate physical relationship where we couldn't communicate, being single and having one night stands with hotties, a great relationship with no passion and a relationship in such emotionally turmoil all we are stuck and distant.

Here's the thing about giving it up to feel that rush, to be close to someone at their most vulnerable, naked and panting......it's not all it's cracked up to be when you wake up alone. But it also sucks to have someone there to hug throughout the day but not want to be with you at night. Either way, its a balance of that physical touch we all crave, but for our emotional well-being.

Fucking, sex, making love, foreplay.......from one to another being satisfied is tricky. To find someone that can satisfy you physically and emotionally is the battle we all want to win. Just when you think you have a handle on it, something creeps in and messes it all up. Whether a fight, an end of relationship, the lack of one, or other people's emotions that are completely out of your control.

We all want some version of something.....nice, hard, dirty, sweet, bitey, raw or romantic.

If you're single you feel that you are free to do whatever you want, little do we know it backfires emotionally on us. And those of us in a relationship, think we are set until life settles in and walls are put up and it feels like we are single and alone all over again.

Come to think about it......all my relationships have been unbalanced my whole life. Fuck, that sucks! In one way or another, my heart or body always yearns for more. Oh well, kinda stuck with working with what I have right now. and so be it.

so with that being said. never settle for one half or the other. there has to be a balance out there for all of us where we can be emotionally taken care and still get off screaming to the heavens. Until then, stay true to yourself and know you will be your just desserts. Don't give into your addictions! We all deserve to be happy and at peace from within.

Cravingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Lord help me....wait

Lord help those all around me. Okay okay, help me too. But please help those around me first. I'm doing great right now.

I have this unique ability to step back into people's lives when they need me most. I am not totally sure if it's the other way around, though. I've learned to accept that I have a talent of taming the crazy. People get crazy or overly emotional when they got stuck in their own bubble. I will pop your bubble. The world is a big place, don't forget to look around and see it. 'POP'

This post is really not about much. Maybe more of a little update to the present. I have reconcided my friendship with a cousin not a day after her boyfriend broke up with her. She had told me that after I had written her off last year, things kinda just spiraled down into the darkness. Now I'm not sure if that means I lit the way for her while I was around, or if I was the first domino to fall. Either way I hope she's taking a step back to see the world for what it is. Just a turn of a single page into the next chapter of her life.

I have decided NOT to reconcile a relationship with a different cousin. But she took her 2 kids and moved across the country to be by her mother and make something of herself. I wish her the best.

Hubby and I are the closest we've been in years. Ya ya, I know I talk about relationships and love a lot, but I never once said I had a perfect marriage. Quite the contrary. We have both been playing active role to strengthen our marriage but it always went by the wayside. I was kinda miserable for a bit and kept fighting through it....alone. Well, I put my foot down and popped his bubble. So far, every day is a little more fabulous. 

What else can I tell you? We've been to Las Vegas, we're going to Sedona, Arizona. We've hacked a tree in the front of the house and we are having house guests that got us Ryder Cup tickets. But I'm not going because I want hubby & one of his best friends to have a good time. Right now is a time where I get to coast. It's so weird, not to be fighting against something.

I get to work out, run, be healthy and focus on just being happy. Yay me! I wish everyone gets to experience a break like this. I think we're planning on the whole baby business next month, so cross your fingers and maybe I'll get to blog out shananagins in baby making.

So, with a whole lotta nothing really being said. I wish all of you a wonderful day! May you be blessed with little fabulous experiences and may you smile the entire time.

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry

Disintegrating evil

When  I see my "frienemies" look like crap, I feel vindicated!!! HA! Says the little evil voice in my head.

When I see my "frienemies" doing well I actually wish them well and the evil melts away. What the hell is that all about?

You would think that I would wish them ill, but that's not how I roll. I would never wish harm against another person....(ok 99.99% of the time I wouldn't. There's always an exception.) Here's the thing about that. Why would I want to wish anyone harm? If their life is out of balance and they are causing harm to others, then the universe will balance itself out and the Lord above will right the wrongs. I do not concern myself with stuff like that.  I'm really not evil. Sweet justice comes to me in the form of extra time for myself.

With that being said I came across a recent picture of an old frienemy. New hair, nice makeup, good picture, looks like she lost some weight, too. I, truly, was happy for her. Before when she look hagered, my first thoughts were "HA, you get what you deserve." But in the same light, she looked good. She gets what she deserves and it looked like she was worked hard for it.

It was such a strange feeling. Do I want to be this girl's friend again....not really. Burn me once...shame on me.....you know the rest blah blah blah. But it did make me email a friend I had a blow up with last year. I felt all warm and mushy inside and needed to direct sad mushiness to a friend. Now, I haven't gotten a response but it is what it is.

Here's the thing about me, which most people who know me already know this, when I cut you out of my life...it's pretty much....FOR....EVER! I don't just have this little tiff and part ways. I cut deep, I burn bridges and hold a celebratory vigil for the deceased bodies left on the ground from the tongue lashings, and then saunter away with a swishing ponytail. Sound cruel? You bet it is. Does this happen a lot? Of course not. You really have to go out of your way to intentionally hurt me for any of that to happen. So when it does, watch out for fireworks. Outside of that I love each of my friends like they're my besties. Everyone is individually awesome and I treat them as such. Some realize that, some don't. It doesn't bother me either way.

So here's to the anger melting away from my heart. I thank God helping me lett it all go, wishing nothing but the best for others and here's to those who I still have in my heart.

Squeeshingly yours, Merry Squeesh Berry

Throwing it out there.

and let me know what you think.

I often talk about things that are happening around me or have happened in the past. I dissect, ponder and reflect on all the little pieces that come together to make today. Well, how about tomorrow?

I know what I love, I know what I would want, but beknowst to me I am not exactly sure how to get there. I've been told by spiritual messengers that I will get all my hearts desires and truly get to live a wonderful life that I seek to live. Being me I want to make it happen now, but I also know that being patient in itself is part of the journey.

I want to be home.

I want to play all the time.

I want to be out in the world learning with people who are wanting to learn with me.

I love watching kids learn. Watching their little faces figuring things out, always wanting more. I was like that as a kid and I can see my love for it in others.

I want to paint, write, run, jump, climb, create, dance, sing, laugh, get dirty, build things, cook, bounce and make people smile. I'm good at a lot of these things, so why not get to do it all the time?

Will I be able to last the rest of the year in the concrete jungle? I want to, but I don't. There are things that be better if I do. I think that's what I'll plan for. 5 more months and then I take charge into letting the world change around me.

Curiously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Rag Doll livin' in a Movie

Aerosmith, I love you! I was talking with a coworker about my professional standing with my company. The funny part about me being here is that I am the lowest man on the totem pole but if I'm gone for 1 day the whole support staff is completely thrown off. Personally I think it's hilarious, but it also makes me feel good inside. This discussion with my supervisor was about my past offerings within this company and what might future might hold here. I had made a comment that I am the company rag doll. It's bittersweet to say the least.

I am the favorite toy that everyone counts on to be there for emotional days, pick me up or to solve some random problem. But when all is right with the world, I am cast off to the side not to be noticed one way or another, in a heap on the floor. On one hand, people come to me when the need me. But on the other hand, I am less appreciated when "out of sight out of mind" comes into play. It really doesn't bother me as much as it should and here's why. I am totally left up to my own devices. I get my work done here which makes people leave me alone and not question what I do. Also, with my work done, the free time that I do create for myself, I am rewarded by being able to write to you, scour the wonders of the information highway (internet) and shop my little hearts desire away (which needs to end).

So here's to being me. Though I feel being a working city girl has outlived its life in my heart, I will appreciate it as long as possible. Hopefully, soon you will be reading lovely posts from where I sit under a tree, feeling the sun's warmth, watching a child near by playing in the same sun.

Then I will be a rag doll no more.

Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry