I want you to know me.

Because you are not alone. Today I listened a lot about good and bad, receptive and closed off, life and death, tragedies and lessons. It all made me think about me at this very second and what it all took to get me here.

When you first meet me you might think that I don't have a care in the world, I've never felt any pain, that I have always been blessed with a cheery disposition and a great outlook on life. Well....quite the contrary. What made me think about this is when the love of my life (hubby) is in a bad mood and I was unable to cheer him up. Yet, in the same day, I sent one of my bff's a text message and the exact time that he needed it and it helped pull himself out of a funk. After 2 very different conversations with 2 very different men in my life, I realized that it's all about perception and reception.

At first getting to know me you would never know that I was once a perfectionist. Or that my father was an alcoholic and I was an addict. Or that I hated myself for not being perfect. You would never know that I excelled in everything I did because I just wanted the approval of my peers and my family. I don't wear the anguish on my face from messed up relationships, getting cheated on, stabbed in the back and belittled for just being me. I've had (probably still have) haters, which is fine.  I've had 3 mental breakdowns where I cried (and I mean sobbed) everyday for months, leaving me a shell of a human being. Or that I used to lay in the dark with candles lit listening to sad music. You would also never know that at one point in my life I was so brutally tormented and verbally abused and threatened that I thought killing myself would be my friends and family's only savior from this psychopath.

Why am I telling you this? I'm telling you because when I put myself out there to try and make other people feel better from a shitty day, I want them to know that I've been there. I've been in that dark place so deep that just merely existing hurt. I've been in that place where you've run out of money and every bill is due tomorrow. I've been there. I've traveled the most inner depths of my soul. I've taken journeys with other people into theirs to explore, realize and have life changing epiphanies. I've been there. I've stayed home from work and school because I was in so much pain that my back just wouldn't let me up. I've been there where my knees were so bad that I would be in tears just walking. I've been under so much stress that I now have ulcers that once stab me to my core and put me on the floor. I see you! I feel you!

I wear my heart on the outside because I want YOU to know me. I wear it to show you that I am open, vulnerable and that you can trust me. I also wear it to show people that I am not afraid. I am strong. I have fought a great fight against the world and myself from the utter depths of darkness. I came back and realized what you should happy for and what you shouldn't waste your energy on. I've been there on the brink. I've dragged my body through my own personal hell with a fucking smile on my face for the world to so no one felt my pain. I did and will always do it for you. Because I want the world to know that people like me DO exist!!! We fight our battles for others. And for what??????? Peace of mind and true happiness. It's that simple. I write for you because you need it. If you're struggling you need to know my story. You need to know that you're going to be okay. That if I can do it, so can you. You need to know that happiness is so simple to achieve it just takes some practice. It's a change in perception. It's deciding that nothing has power over you except  you. No bill, no house, no boyfriend, lover, peer, drug or job!!!!

Don't be afraid. Don't be angry. You are only hurting yourself and trust me, it's not worth it.

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry