The Universe has your back

Ok, so I'm human. After reading only a couple posts of mine, it's very evident how very human I am. I have lived my life to make mistakes, big and small. Now I am not without second guessing my moves, even though I "should" know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I, too, think about people in my past that once offered wonderful things to how I felt, but in the same breath knocked me down so hard I cried for days. Stupid, young love. So hot and so cold.

Here's the thing. There are certain parts of my past that I miss but I left them back there for a reason. And though those reasons don't hurt like they did, they still deserve to hold their validity. Pain fades & it's this reason why bad relationships continue on. I have to make an effort to stay in the present and look forward into the future. No matter how passionate, awesome, insane or extreme my life with someone else was, it wasn't meant to be. I have to tell myself that a lot. I would never hurt my husband, he's a wonderful man and I make a conscious effort to love him everyday. But there's still a small part of me that wonders...what if?

Now I'm sure me and my "what if" would have ended things again, because I did not go without trying to see about that "what if". From the start of "us" the mess that it was to a real "us" to something that wasn't more than a few bootycalls, we had each other for 9 years. Over those 9 years, we never really got on the same page, or in the same state, or ever emotionally close to one another to try again. I pushed him away and then he pushed me away. So many raw, powerful emotions, igniting passionate raging fires both great and horrible, that I knew we weren't ever supposed to be more than a learning experience. I get this!

Here is my reinforcement. Outside of the obvious, you're married, the past is the past, everything happens for a reason blah blah blah blah. From my horoscope to this email alert I get about articles, all were about cyclical relationships and how going back to an ex is just bad. Bad for you, bad for them, just wrong all around. It ended for a reason. Somethings just won't be fixed. Even the music on my Pandora station is playing music about broken hearts and moving forward.

Yes, I miss the insanity that was so amazing that killed me when it kept falling apart. But am I willing to lose so many wonderful people in my life on something I couldn't keep a hold of in my past? NOT a fucking chance! Though I have loving friends that would support any decision I made, I would be putting so much on the line, it's not worth losing everything I wished and prayed for. Yes, my life is blessed so much, but not perfect. But I think it's not perfect because we are always supposed to working on it. Whether love or work, keeping working on life! And if you have any doubts, look at the little signals, signs and flicks to the forehead from the universe. It says, you are where you're supposed to be. Change will come when you need it. I do not what that change. If change happens, it will happen later, whenever that may be. Right now, I love where I am.

So, to my first love. Thank you for all that I experienced with you. Without you I wouldn't have anything that I have now. I learned so much, both good and bad. And to the love of my life, thank you for continuing to fight for us. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I hope it's everything we both have ever dreamed of.

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry