God loves Sluts!

I find fighting on Facebook futile and immature, but that doesn't mean I don't like to stir the pot every now and again. I, also, don't like 2 faced people trying to push their opinions on other people when they have clearly done the walk of shame themselves.

I have a "friend" and I'm using that term loosely because she only seems to reach out to me when she's in need and never to just hang out, anymore. Before it didn't bother me so much because we both had extremely busy lives, so any time together was appreciated. I'm not sure what her life is exactly like now, since I never hear from her, but then again I've given up really trying to keep her in my life. It's just another path once intertwined now gaining distance. Now that this "friend" is married and pregnant, she feels that she has the right to publicly rip on people who she doesn't even know about things she barely knows anything about. She ridiculed a "star" and called her a whore on Facebook because of said "star's" dating life. Saying that she need to act classier if she's going to live in the public eye. Oh it gets better.

1) How is it classy calling someone, you don't even know anything about, a whore on Facebook? To tell someone to act classy, you have to be classy yourself, and KNOW what it means.

2) Said "friend" was a super slut!!!!
  - you might be able to hide the fact you were a slut from the world, the your friends know the truth

3) It takes a slut to know a slut

4) who cares? If someone wants to live in the public eye, transparently, I think they should be commended for it, not condemned. Dating, married, cheating, single, gay.....anything, it's their life!

5) She then went on blaming people like this "star" for teenage girl bullying because as a role model she shouldn't be jumping from guy to guy. But it's okay for her to jump bed to bed. hmm.....?


Ok, so when do we stop blaming everyone else for our own shortcomings? I grew up in the age of Madonna. MADONNA!!!! The leader of the public media sexual revolution! Like a virgin but NOT! But you didn't see me skanking it up in high school. I make conscious decisions and held myself responsible for ALL of them. While my other friends were getting promiscuous, I was working and focusing on bigger better things. I didn't care whether or not they were hooking up with people. It was their bodies and their choices. As long as I was allowed to be me, then they were allowed to be themselves, no judgement passed. The crazy thing was that they judged themselves more than I would ever dream to.

People who throw stones at glass houses need to quick calling the kettle black and look in the mirror. What you ridicule others for are the same things you don't like in yourself.

I called her out for passing judgement on this young woman. She said she's "just stating the facts." What facts? No one really knows anything about anyone's life. No body. No one knows if that public figure is a slut or not. All we know is that she's dated a lot of people. Even if she did get intimate with them, it's still nobody's business. Who cares?

This so call friend preaches God and Bible version every other Facebook post but then judges others on the next. Not to mention her love for Britney Spears....umm.....ex-crazy slut. If that's not 2 faced and hypocritical, then I don't know what it. God loves sluts!!! God loves prudes!  

Whether we make right or wrong choices, God loves all his children the same. He wants them to be happy. Who are we to judge whether what is right or wrong for a person? Now, I'm not condoning heinous acts like murder and such, I'm just staying if you want to give a part of yourself away, you can. If you want to save yourself for someone special, you can do that too.

To have this person think she knows anything about someone else bothers me. Maybe if she looked in the mirror every now and again she would have more compassion for those around her. Knowing her, she'll go back to living in her bubble where she thinks she knows better than anyone else. 

If you like to sleep around, God love ya for it. If you don't like to sleep around, God love ya for it.  If you are trying to figure it out along the way, the by golly keep trying to do so. Either way, we are all outsiders looking into to other people's lives. We will never truly know what is going on. Focus on how you treat others, whether online or in real lives because before you know it, you might push people who care away.

Justly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Failure is not really an option

This is piggybacking off a lovely lady's blog that I subscribe to. She claims that she sucks at relationships and fails more than not. Here's the thing about relationships, they are not like biology class. You do not pass or fail. They do not succeed or die. I am talking about ALL relationships. Intimate, friendship, professional or other. Our paths intertwine in and out of one another's lives all the time for reasons unknown in the beginning. Some relationships stay together for eternity and others end. It doesn't mean those that end are failures. They are learning experiences. They are helpful little stepping stones for our present and our futures.

Think about it. When one relationship ends, you take something from it with you and forever. Whether its good memories or bad, something profound, something learned. We are constantly learning from one another because we all have something to teach. Not one person knows everything. I believe it's humanly impossible to know, learn and retain all the information in the universe. Shit, I don't believe we've even scratched the surface of knowledge anyway.

How about some examples?

Even though I ended the relationship with the man I was first engaged to many moons ago, I never believed it to be a failure. I learned so much from that relationship that those marks on my heart will never fade. We were just not to be forever.

Some people are meant to in your life for a short time, others for longer.

Another example?

I had to deal with and survive through an extremely toxic relationship with this douche bag, lose a handful of "friends", only to reach out to others and ultimately find my hubby.

More?

Sometimes we are given shitty people in our lives to deal with in order to find our inner strength. It's another way for us to find out what our true morals & values are. We don't find these things out until we are tested against them. From within is where we find the strength to put our foot down and say "hey fucktard! That's not cool. I'm not going to pretend it is. It's rude & shitty of you. And I've decided I don't need someone like you in my life!"

I might have not used those exact words all the time, but some version of them quite enough to know when I'm done with having someone in my life. Here's the thing about people, they are ALL like cats on coke. One day they are all cuddly and then out of no where they turn on you when all you want to do is love on them. It is what it is. The older I'm getting the more I've realized who my truer friends are. The friends that want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine, and respect each other the same. There are even times when people leave your life and then somehow wonder back in at a completely different stage.

The only thing I can tell you is not to worry. Let people go. Like butterflies in the wind. Wish them the best and hopefully they won't get eaten by a passing bird, but if they do...it's God's will and not your own. Take what you can learn from it and move on. You are not meant to keep everyone you meet in your life. There's just not enough of you to go round. Also, there are 8 BILLION people in the world, there's no need to get caught up on a few.

I've met and been friends with hundreds of people, and I'm perfectly happy with who is in my life. I love them all. They might not be there next year, and if so, I know there will be a better person in their place. But for now....here's to the present and the people in it. Everyone can GPO!

Significantly yours, Merry Ms Berry

I am breaking up with you

You heard me. I'm done. I can't do his anymore. Once again you have broken my heart and made me cry. This isn't working for me. I tried to be the bigger person and continue to care but it's just too much for me now.

When I say "you" I really mean mankind as a whole. I'll break my day down for you for me to get to this point again. Yes, again.

Facebook is oozing with "day 7 I'm thankful for........blah blah blah" and at first it was nice to see but then something happened. It really started to get on my nerves. Why does it take the holidays to roll around for people to start appreciating what they have? What happened to the other 11 months of the year? How about showing some appreciation when you're sick, stuck in traffic on a rainy day? Or how about when you're stressed out, trying to make ends meet? There is always something good in your life, but people are so fixated on drama and only their only pain, that they can't see the beauty in the struggle or the light at the end of the tunnel. And THAT is why I cry. That is why it's hard for me to continue to love on others.

From there I started taking notice of everyone else in my immediate surroundings. Unless directly affected, no one really cares about anyone else. Every one just looks out for their best interest only. And people wonder my the economy is going into the shitter.

I've always been that girl that would send a random "I miss you" text or email. I would call up a friend just to check in on them and get "hey I was just thinking about you". I'm that girl that would be playing on the internet and see a picture and leave in on someone's facebook page and say "saw this and thought of you". But ya know what......RARELY do I ever get the same in return. Do I expect it? Maybe a little bit. If you ever hear my friends talk about me, it's with nothing but love and admiration. But when it comes to actually see how I am, they tend to forget that I'm human too and need a little love and attention. Even as I type this the tears are burning in my eyes. My friends good people and they are living life the best that they know how. This all falls back on me and that I just care too much for those who live in bubbles. I emotionally spread myself too thin. I expect too much from people. I expect too much from myself. Now, I'm sad and broken by no one's hand except from my own. 

My poor husband had to watch bawl on the couch cursing people in general to the high heavens.

Even on the way home from the train station, there's a lane merge and I slowed down to let someone turn in front of me. 3 seperate cars almost hit because they felt they deserved to not have to wait, while the poor person I was trying to help couldn't get in front of me. Fucking assholes!!! I can't even do something nice because fucking asshole drives around me won't let someone in. Are you kidding me?

I'm losing all faith in people. It hurts so bad to know that people helping other people is so rare that it's celebrated instead of being expected. For one day I want to be one of those people. I want to live in a bubble and care about only myself. I want to be so selfish and inconsiderate that I don't want to feel anything for anyone. I want to live completely for myself. Who am I kidding? The only thing I can do is lock myself away from the world, hoping not to care.

I was told that my biggest and strongest gift from God is my empathy and compassion. I am able to feel what people feel, whether bliss or pain. I can put myself in other peoples' shoes. It might be a gift but right now it feels like a curse. Everyone needs a friend that shows them they love them for them. Well right now, I need that friend and I fear that list is getting shorter by the minute. Thank God for that short list though. I might know hundreds of people and I can make each of them smile, but I know I only live in the hearts of few. My thoughts are constantly on others and I've decided to stop.

I am breaking up with my friends. I can't keep sending love into the universe just to see people not pass it forward. I can't sit here and watch people be cruel, mindless and self centered anymore. I am done loving the world, for they don't appreciate it. I will send my prayers always to God, because only He can handle those wishes. And its Him that will love people the way I wish I could. But for now.....everyone can GFT!

Another day and dollar.....ok not really

It's Sunday night. The bear is in his usual position on the floor, growling away. I am on my 2004 laptop, which I might say is still kicking ass and taking names. Sure it has its freeze out moments, but as of right now I am freely typing away on the comforts of my couch, watching 21 Jump Street, on low so not to distract my creative juices. Ok, who am I kidding......I get distracted by something sparkling out of the corner of my eye that may or may not be there.

I haven't written as much as I had last year, probably since I don't have as much crazy around me pining for my attention and stories about my much earned life experience. I am not sure what this post might become, whether it's thoughts on "paper" or if it will actually be useful for others in whatever journey that might be on or seeking.

I've been given spiritual affirmations, not once, not twice but 3 times over the last 10 years that who I am with is who I am destined to be with. This is our 3rd time ending up together. There are forces bigger than us working all the time to have things, places or people in line for bigger purposes that we might not ever understand. Now, if you would have told me that I would have been appreciateive of those forces 15 years ago, I would have told you go suck it.

As a slowly transforming, work in progress, control-aholic, leaving my life in the hands of anyone else but myself was not a concept that was accepted over night. Every day I fight that battle to let a little bit more go of what I think I know, or what it all means, where I should go, or where I might end up. I'm a daydreamer by trade. I love getting lost in the inner workings of my twisted mind. I am slowly learning that going to my la-la land doesn't really harm me but it doesn't really do me any good either.

I've been told that I am still a control-nazi, over organized,  lack of communication artist that needs to get back into art and swim. Swim! Not sure why. I think there's something about the lack of contact with the planet....that or I love it because it makes me feel like I'm flying. Oh, if I could have a super power, it would be flying. Hands down, every.single.time. I think that's why I like to climb things as much as I do. To get as high in the air as possible, away from reality and into an adventure. Must fly!!!!

Back to my ramblings. So I've covered soul mates, must paint, swimming, letting go....oh and I'll be traveling. I like traveling. Love seeing the world. I love being at home too. See, work in progress. I'm very more ying than yang, maybe the other way around. Not sure. Also, Monkey totem. The monkey is my spirit guide. I looked it up and ya...it's all me. I like monkeys.

So now what? AND.....I need to (again) stop trying to save the world. Stop trying or actually being there for everyone. I do what I'm good at. Being there for others and organizing. I'm told that its unneccessary and I need to focus on filling my heart for myself, and not with others. It's kinda weird to be told to be more selfish. It's not how I was raised, and I love making others smiles. But those watching out for me are right, where are those trying to make me smile? See...unbalanced.

I need to look into some art classes and stop making yarny goodness for my peeps. My new headband came out looking like my grandmother's swim cap anyway, I think that's a sign. I'm keeping it! It's a total conversation starter.

Point! I had just brought this up in a conversation I had with an ex-bf/bff not a couple days ago. I have a tendency to distract myself and obsess myself with things that make me happy to keep myself from really coming to terms with stuff. Well, I've come to terms with who I am, or might be, or should or should not be. I am who I am. I'm sure this over organizing, overly helping persona is just the left overs from all my past epiphanies. So be it. WORK.IN.PROGRESS.

So, if anyone has some got techniques to help me let go of my thoughts, obessions, mantras, anything please leave them below. I'm open to them. Yes, I know about yoga & meditation. I need to kick that up too. So, until then.....ta ta for now.

Lovingly always, Merry Ms Berry

Sex is that drug we all don't want to crave.

People mix love & sex together all the time. We are, also, guilty of trying to detach from the two.

Inspired by my favorite blogger Miss Tirade, I want everyone to know that it doesn't matter who you are, we all crave that touch, that rush, the brush of skin on skin, that releases so much inside of us, not only physical, but chemically and emotionally.

Yes....sex can be a drug. Like a lot of things that people can get addicted to, its because of the feelings that are attached to it.

An orgasm releases certain chemicals in the brain that makes us want to be close to others, I think its called the cuddle chemical (or something along those lines). It makes us think that sex is more than it might be. Ever been with someone that makes your teeth go numb or unable to move your limbs after hours of swinging from the ceiling, disrupting not only the neighbors but every breathing animal within a 2 mile radius? Yes, it is amazing. But how about having that and then not having that person stay around just to spend time with you, to appreciate the calm, catching breathes that make you feel whole as a person and as a couple. It cuts you to the core and makes you feel utterly worthless.

I've been on the both sides of multiple coins. From having a wildly passionate physical relationship where we couldn't communicate, being single and having one night stands with hotties, a great relationship with no passion and a relationship in such emotionally turmoil all we are stuck and distant.

Here's the thing about giving it up to feel that rush, to be close to someone at their most vulnerable, naked and panting......it's not all it's cracked up to be when you wake up alone. But it also sucks to have someone there to hug throughout the day but not want to be with you at night. Either way, its a balance of that physical touch we all crave, but for our emotional well-being.

Fucking, sex, making love, foreplay.......from one to another being satisfied is tricky. To find someone that can satisfy you physically and emotionally is the battle we all want to win. Just when you think you have a handle on it, something creeps in and messes it all up. Whether a fight, an end of relationship, the lack of one, or other people's emotions that are completely out of your control.

We all want some version of something.....nice, hard, dirty, sweet, bitey, raw or romantic.

If you're single you feel that you are free to do whatever you want, little do we know it backfires emotionally on us. And those of us in a relationship, think we are set until life settles in and walls are put up and it feels like we are single and alone all over again.

Come to think about it......all my relationships have been unbalanced my whole life. Fuck, that sucks! In one way or another, my heart or body always yearns for more. Oh well, kinda stuck with working with what I have right now. and so be it.

so with that being said. never settle for one half or the other. there has to be a balance out there for all of us where we can be emotionally taken care and still get off screaming to the heavens. Until then, stay true to yourself and know you will be your just desserts. Don't give into your addictions! We all deserve to be happy and at peace from within.

Cravingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Lord help me....wait

Lord help those all around me. Okay okay, help me too. But please help those around me first. I'm doing great right now.

I have this unique ability to step back into people's lives when they need me most. I am not totally sure if it's the other way around, though. I've learned to accept that I have a talent of taming the crazy. People get crazy or overly emotional when they got stuck in their own bubble. I will pop your bubble. The world is a big place, don't forget to look around and see it. 'POP'

This post is really not about much. Maybe more of a little update to the present. I have reconcided my friendship with a cousin not a day after her boyfriend broke up with her. She had told me that after I had written her off last year, things kinda just spiraled down into the darkness. Now I'm not sure if that means I lit the way for her while I was around, or if I was the first domino to fall. Either way I hope she's taking a step back to see the world for what it is. Just a turn of a single page into the next chapter of her life.

I have decided NOT to reconcile a relationship with a different cousin. But she took her 2 kids and moved across the country to be by her mother and make something of herself. I wish her the best.

Hubby and I are the closest we've been in years. Ya ya, I know I talk about relationships and love a lot, but I never once said I had a perfect marriage. Quite the contrary. We have both been playing active role to strengthen our marriage but it always went by the wayside. I was kinda miserable for a bit and kept fighting through it....alone. Well, I put my foot down and popped his bubble. So far, every day is a little more fabulous. 

What else can I tell you? We've been to Las Vegas, we're going to Sedona, Arizona. We've hacked a tree in the front of the house and we are having house guests that got us Ryder Cup tickets. But I'm not going because I want hubby & one of his best friends to have a good time. Right now is a time where I get to coast. It's so weird, not to be fighting against something.

I get to work out, run, be healthy and focus on just being happy. Yay me! I wish everyone gets to experience a break like this. I think we're planning on the whole baby business next month, so cross your fingers and maybe I'll get to blog out shananagins in baby making.

So, with a whole lotta nothing really being said. I wish all of you a wonderful day! May you be blessed with little fabulous experiences and may you smile the entire time.

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry

Disintegrating evil

When  I see my "frienemies" look like crap, I feel vindicated!!! HA! Says the little evil voice in my head.

When I see my "frienemies" doing well I actually wish them well and the evil melts away. What the hell is that all about?

You would think that I would wish them ill, but that's not how I roll. I would never wish harm against another person....(ok 99.99% of the time I wouldn't. There's always an exception.) Here's the thing about that. Why would I want to wish anyone harm? If their life is out of balance and they are causing harm to others, then the universe will balance itself out and the Lord above will right the wrongs. I do not concern myself with stuff like that.  I'm really not evil. Sweet justice comes to me in the form of extra time for myself.

With that being said I came across a recent picture of an old frienemy. New hair, nice makeup, good picture, looks like she lost some weight, too. I, truly, was happy for her. Before when she look hagered, my first thoughts were "HA, you get what you deserve." But in the same light, she looked good. She gets what she deserves and it looked like she was worked hard for it.

It was such a strange feeling. Do I want to be this girl's friend again....not really. Burn me once...shame on me.....you know the rest blah blah blah. But it did make me email a friend I had a blow up with last year. I felt all warm and mushy inside and needed to direct sad mushiness to a friend. Now, I haven't gotten a response but it is what it is.

Here's the thing about me, which most people who know me already know this, when I cut you out of my life...it's pretty much....FOR....EVER! I don't just have this little tiff and part ways. I cut deep, I burn bridges and hold a celebratory vigil for the deceased bodies left on the ground from the tongue lashings, and then saunter away with a swishing ponytail. Sound cruel? You bet it is. Does this happen a lot? Of course not. You really have to go out of your way to intentionally hurt me for any of that to happen. So when it does, watch out for fireworks. Outside of that I love each of my friends like they're my besties. Everyone is individually awesome and I treat them as such. Some realize that, some don't. It doesn't bother me either way.

So here's to the anger melting away from my heart. I thank God helping me lett it all go, wishing nothing but the best for others and here's to those who I still have in my heart.

Squeeshingly yours, Merry Squeesh Berry

Throwing it out there.

and let me know what you think.

I often talk about things that are happening around me or have happened in the past. I dissect, ponder and reflect on all the little pieces that come together to make today. Well, how about tomorrow?

I know what I love, I know what I would want, but beknowst to me I am not exactly sure how to get there. I've been told by spiritual messengers that I will get all my hearts desires and truly get to live a wonderful life that I seek to live. Being me I want to make it happen now, but I also know that being patient in itself is part of the journey.

I want to be home.

I want to play all the time.

I want to be out in the world learning with people who are wanting to learn with me.

I love watching kids learn. Watching their little faces figuring things out, always wanting more. I was like that as a kid and I can see my love for it in others.

I want to paint, write, run, jump, climb, create, dance, sing, laugh, get dirty, build things, cook, bounce and make people smile. I'm good at a lot of these things, so why not get to do it all the time?

Will I be able to last the rest of the year in the concrete jungle? I want to, but I don't. There are things that be better if I do. I think that's what I'll plan for. 5 more months and then I take charge into letting the world change around me.

Curiously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Rag Doll livin' in a Movie

Aerosmith, I love you! I was talking with a coworker about my professional standing with my company. The funny part about me being here is that I am the lowest man on the totem pole but if I'm gone for 1 day the whole support staff is completely thrown off. Personally I think it's hilarious, but it also makes me feel good inside. This discussion with my supervisor was about my past offerings within this company and what might future might hold here. I had made a comment that I am the company rag doll. It's bittersweet to say the least.

I am the favorite toy that everyone counts on to be there for emotional days, pick me up or to solve some random problem. But when all is right with the world, I am cast off to the side not to be noticed one way or another, in a heap on the floor. On one hand, people come to me when the need me. But on the other hand, I am less appreciated when "out of sight out of mind" comes into play. It really doesn't bother me as much as it should and here's why. I am totally left up to my own devices. I get my work done here which makes people leave me alone and not question what I do. Also, with my work done, the free time that I do create for myself, I am rewarded by being able to write to you, scour the wonders of the information highway (internet) and shop my little hearts desire away (which needs to end).

So here's to being me. Though I feel being a working city girl has outlived its life in my heart, I will appreciate it as long as possible. Hopefully, soon you will be reading lovely posts from where I sit under a tree, feeling the sun's warmth, watching a child near by playing in the same sun.

Then I will be a rag doll no more.

Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

You are a gift of God's.

All of us are! You better take care of you.

The Lord give and the Lord hath taketh away.

Everything in this world comes back to appreciation and acceptance.

A lot has happened since I've written last. From Senor Douche Bag dying to another Colorado killing spree There's been a lot of "awakenings" happening all over the world. With the use of the WorldWideWeb we are able to see and feel so much about what's going on.

I look back and see that if you are unappreciative enough of something it will be taken away from you. I'm not saying the friends of family didn't appreciate those poor people in the Batman movie, but maybe as a society as a whole is unappreciative and God sent us a little message.

My ex-psychopath recently passed away, by this own hands nonetheless. No he didn't blow out his brains or slits his wrists, he might as well have, though. He was a "professional" eating contest "winner" (binge eating, isn't gluttony a sin?), at least pack a day smoker, binge drinker, a compulsive liar and bulimic. Now if you add all those things up, its very taxing on a soul, let alone a body. He hated himself so much from the inside out that his heart (beating lump of coal) gave out and he passed into his maker's arms (whether it's a God or the devil, I'll never know but I can guess).

Along with my own revelations. I was stuck in my own head, miserably wanting what other people had and completely forgetting to look around me. I have so much. I am so blessed. There are people out there with so much less, how dare I get envious of things I don't have. Shame on me! It took me days without access to my life back home to see how blessed that I truly am. It could have all been taken away from me and THANK GOD SO MUCH IT WASN'T.

My cousin is an example. She cries "Why me? Why me?" because she can't run marathons anymore due to a car accident. Well at the time she was completely spoiled, mean and ungrateful about all her blessings and God knocked her down a couple notches. Also, she was given a financially blessing and blew threw it. Each to their own choices and what lessons they learn from them.

These things I thing about and ponder. Do other people think about this stuff the way I do. What would have happened if I was someone's mistake? How about you? Are there really mistakes to begin with? Everything happens for a reason. We usually don't know those reason until down the road. We can only live and love each day as it comes. Who knows what tomorrow brings, if it will even come.

This is a lot of rambling, most of it not even about my life. To those in this blog, some that will divinely see this, some that will never lay eyes across this, whatever we have it is what it is. Be grateful and love where you are and you will be blessed with more.

Gratefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

The Path less noticed.

I was told that my purpose is to work with kids and having babies. So simple and yet so profound to me. I am a big kid. I love to have fun. I love to make things fun. Life is way too short not to try and have fun in all that you do. I've been like that my whole life. Why would anyone not want to have fun with everything? I was told the my path is there so stop looking and lusting after something more.

A few business ventures I was a part of fell out of my life. Logically they made sense but over time they never really settled in my heart and I wasn't having fun with them. So like most things when it still failed after heart wrenching fights, I let them go. But here's the thing about that. I only left bad for a day and then I felt free.

In conversations when people let certain aches in their life go, it frees them. It gives them peace in their heart. I let go of the idea that I had to "find", "search" or hunt down my path, so that when I found it, I would know. But just like in dating, when you stop looking someone gets dropped into your lap. (also during this reread I realized I'm already on my path so just stop seeking).

So here I am. I am still intrigued on how my life will start to unravel and reveal itself to me. I no longer search on how it will happen. Nor do I know how I will actually be working with kids. It could be in a million different ways from mentoring to art. Who knows? He, the One, knows and that's all I need to know.

I haven't felt so free in such a long time. I've always been one to handle my life. To make every little decision. Also, at the same time I let the wind take me where it wanted. In each experience I learned so much about not only myself, but those in the world around me. Those who try and control every little thing in their world and the world around them end up miserable. But those who just let the universe flow in, out and around them are the happiest. I've been knowing and relearning these principles for 20 years now. And time and time again I have to be reminded. LET GO!

I want the world to accept me, but first I have to accept the world. I am no more in control of anything except getting up, brushing me teeth, feeding the dog and putting on a smile. I will do what I love, whatever randomness that may be. I'll sit in silence and watch the world drive itself mad. I will love those around me. I will let the universe flow the life it wants me to have. And yes, I will continue to blog it all.

Universely yours, Merry Ms Berry

Realizations

It's not supposed to be killer hard to live life. We make it harder on ourselves then it really needs to be. We all do it.

God giveth and God taketh away.

These words constantly rings in my ears.

I had gotten away from the "silver lining game" I grew up with. If you don't appreciate something, it will either leave or be taken away from you. It's a pretty simple concept. I was told these words and it hit me hard. Yes, I was willing to give it all away even though I didn't want to. I was willing to fight for my happiness but I needed to be sure that my other half was willing to fight for his also, together.

I let the world beat me up. I listened to others gripe and let it settle in my heart. I said "why not me". Why can't I be bitter and ungrateful? Then I took a step back and had to think to myself, did I really want to lose the wonderful life I have? I fought so hard to get here. I knew I would be fine wherever I ended up. But did I want to end up somewhere else, alone?

I couldn't even tell you when or how I got off track. I did everything right to have the things that I have. And I'm not saying mansions and sports cars, but I would love me a muscle car. But I have a secure life and home with everything I need to meet my needs and have no stress tailing me. Now how many people can say that?

Why did I stop count my blessings? I guess at one point I didn't feel appreciated and the grass looked greener on the other side. But true to wonderful man fashion, hubby came back to me and started loving me how I needed it. He's wonderful. We are working on the same team. This whole marriage thing is a tough nut to crack.

So here I am. A little bit wiser. A little bit lighter. A whole lot happier. And fulfilled from within at all the blessings I'm surrounded with. I'm able to love those in my life and make them smile. Which is my favorite thing to do. I don't know what the world brings in the future but its doesn't matter. I am at peace right now with what it is. Like my Elisha says, Love never quits. It's true. Love from above, love from them, love that you have to give to yourself and love for others. It's the meaning of life. Love more, receive more. Love them, love you, love it, love love. It's like a hum of a mom rocking her baby to sleep. I could hear it all the time. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

Lovingly yours, Truly Merry Ms Berry

Off line for 5 days

You heard me right! I'm am disconnecting off the grid, unplugged from social media and turning off all communications from the world for 5 days. Okay, I'm not turning my phone off and I'll only be 30 minutes from home. I need a break but in case of emergencies I'm not going to risk not being able to be found.

I've been meaning to take some "me time" and just escape from the world but I really didn't know how, where or even when. I've gotten some spiritual reinforcement that if I don't take the time to center myself and get back to being me I take a chance of losing everything that I care about. So, I am locking myself away from everyone to get the perspective on life I once had and love everything once again. Me, a sketch book, my running shoes, a book and some comfy clothes.

That's the funny thing about life and everything in it. If you don't care, love or appreciate it, it won't stick around. Think about it. If you don't take care of your car, it's going to break down and become completely useless to you....or worse, hurt you.

Though I come off happier and more positive than most people in the world, I still have a lot of growing to do. Also, I got so consumed in my own pity that I started neglecting my world around me. I need to get back to good.

I am the first one to promote love, yoga, prayer and meditation, but I haven't been practicing what I preach. Pretty typical of most people. I'm distracted with so much that I had NO idea what to do with myself. How sad is that?!

With some Godly guidance and answers my soul has been craving to hear it's time for me to socially detox my heart, brain and soul. I need to get back to The One that's answered my prayers so many times before and have faith my heart will be filled again.

Yes, I drained myself for the sake of others without be able to fill myself back up. I was not happy. Though I live a blessed life, I was dying inside. I feel better than a bit ago, but I know it's only alone time that will let me close this chapter of my life and move forward.

Come to think of it, I've never really had 5 days to myself. I've never had more than a day or so by myself with no distractions, whether work, friends, or hobbies. This will be a first. I'm not scared, I'm really excited. I'll really get to see what time feels like.

Wish me luck! I'll be back next week to tell you my findings.

Spiritually, Merry Ms Berry

I'm breathing...I'm grateful....I'm joyful....

AND I'M NOT GOING TO STAB ANYONE RIGHT NOW!

I said "not".

I'm just having a moment. It's one of those days that one small inconsiderate person does an inconsiderate thing and as much as it shouldn't bother me, its still does.

I have so much more going for me in life. I truly live a blessed life and I need to beat that into my head because getting pissed off at someone stupid and NOT a team player at work is NOT worth the energy. I guess that's why I have my blog....to vent.

Whether or not you read this. Whether or not you even care, I'm still able to all of the BS ramblings in my brain out.

Oh well...I'm breathing, I'm breathing. oooooaaaammmmmm!

I'm calm.

I'm grateful.

I'm blessed.

You're blessed.

Stupid coworker can shove it.

I love my dog. I love my husband. I am blessed to have them both in my life. I love my family. I'm grateful for having a job. I'm blessed knowing 98% of my other coworkers appreciate me. I work hard. I am able to play hard. I love that I can run, jump, grab, see, hear and yell. I am in tip top working order and it makes me happy. I'm healthy, smart, funny, empathetic, genuine and compassionate. I have vehicles that drive beautifully, a home that keeps me warm or cool, enough of everything to meet all my needs.  I'm also blessed to live in a country where I'm allowed to be whiny, emotional, make mistakes and keep living a great life.

So....with that said. I'm done having my moment. I'm clearing out things in my life that don't need my attention. And now I have one more person to add to the list.

Blessingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Dreams and Readings

After sitting with my mom and sister, I come to find out that I'm really the only one that learns, listens and tries to figure out the bigger meaning in dreams. It happens more times than not when I need to be learning something from my dreams. Most of the time it's about letting go of past hurts.

One case in point is that I was recently told that I need to let go of some grudges. I was always one to forgive, forget and move forward but as I had gotten older it became harder and harder for me to be as compassionate. One reason was because I believe that as we age we should be getting wiser and more conscious of ourselves and those around us. Little did I know that not everyone thinks like I do, and that we live in a very selfish and self-centered world. Not everyone but more than I care for.

One earlier blog was about an ex-best friend and how just being friends with me changed the course of her life a few times. I, also, come to learn that my empathy and compassion for people are rare gifts that not everyone has or understand....ya that kinda blew my mind. So, with keeping that in mind I had a dream that the ex-bff was in, we were back to being friends, were training for a marathon together and even had dinner with her and her significant other. It was a nice dream and I woke up feeling good. I know dreams like these are meant to tell me to let go of any bad feelings that I have with people in my past. I get it. Come to think of it, I really did enjoy having the spazz-monkey as a friend. It sucks the way everything fell apart the way it did. I later went into a new relationship, and she did too. So I'm guessing we needed to be apart to focus on our respective "soon to be" husbands.

It's not like I have a lack of people in my life and losing one friend is going to destroy my world. On the contrary it gives me the room and energy to focus on those still in my life, or just make room for new people to enjoy.

So, to my past friend. I'm sorry that everything went down the way it did. Everything happens for a reason. I forgive you for focusing on your true love and I forgive myself for letting myself feel so hurt.  I wish you no ill will. Take care of my old friend and may you live out each other's lives in bliss.

Epiphanily yours, Merry Ms Berry

Letting go and letting yourself fall apart

Life is all about give and take, come and go, live and die. It's called the circle of life for a reason. It brings balance, change and existence. I know this. I am the biggest advocate for change. BUT not when it comes to those in my life that I love. From the past to the present, I've had to let people go and soon I'll have to learn how to live without my best friend Zoey.

Zoey is turning 11 years old next month and even now I'm noticing changes in her personality. Ok, hold on. This is Zoey (see below)

She is the most wonderful, kind, smart, compassion and spunky little creature that I have in my life. She's been there for me to kiss away my tears, play with, talk to and chase the world around us. She came to me from a relationship that was so hard to walk away from, that pieces of my heart are still gone because of it. She's the last piece of my past that I have closest to my heart and thinking about losing her with age is breaking me apart. Even as I type this, it's through tears.

Being a lover of all sorts, when I put my heart into someone, whether human or animal, I put my whole heart into it. I fall in love hard, and fall apart just as hard. It's the Scorpio in me. I know one day I won't hysterically cry about Zoey when she's gone, but the thought of that ever happening is so unthinkable and incomprehensible to me right now.

But now trying to emotionally brace myself to let Zoey go is going to be the hardest thing that I will ever do. I wish I could clone but that doesn't even guarantee a replica. She's my puppy and my first child of sorts. It was me and her against the world for the longest of time. I am blessed to have years left with her and from day one I've always appreciated her and loved her as much as she would let me. Even when I lived without her for a year, I drove 50 miles one way, every week to spend time with her.

Just when you think you have everything figured out, throw in another broken heart. Love those you love. Tell, show and touch them. We are all forced to let go of someone we love. While we are together, let them know that they are your world and letting go will never mean forgetting.

Emotionally yours, Merry Ms Berry

Snoopy McNosey

dig dig dig and dig some more!

That's what I love about the internet!! There's so much information on hand at any given moment, enough to make your head spin. I absolutely love it!!! <3

You never know what or "who" you might come across.

Being me, I love to look, dig, read, contemplate, reminisce, dissect, reflect and move on. Whether I'm learning about the universe or "stumbling upon" people from my past I always try and see the bigger picture and how everything is relatively tied together in one way or another.

So my bigger question now is, do people seek me out like I seek them? Ok, I'm not some stalker, looking for people who have scorned me, what a waste of time that would be. But even though Chicago(land) is 8 million people, I have a knack of running into people I know all the time and finding fun information about all my friends, past or present, that I enjoy reading. We all shouldn't be in the gossip circle but if you are putting stuff out onto the internet then your ramblings are fair game, just like me own.

Are there people that I have scorned that have found me via internet and check in on me? If I didn't do it I would have never reconnected with my bestie Blondie. We didn't have a falling out, just a parting of ways and I missed her after awhile.

I use my life, past and present, as material for my blog. I love my blog!!! It gives me power to have the world help me see the connections from one experience to another. How awesome is that?!?! Do people that I use as examples know it's them? I am very good about not using people's names because you know who you are if you ever find the post about you.

I guess this is just one of those "I'm going to ramble out of my own vanity" posts, just to watch myself type and hear myself in my own head. Yes, I'm all about me when it's just me to be about. Ok, sometimes more. I love my friends, I would give them the world if I could. To my enemies, which I don't have too many, thank you for the material. I hope I can put a funny spin of your fuck ups, as I always put a great spin on my own.

If you're balls are brass, please leave a comment. Let me know you exist.

Universally, Merry Ms Berry

I love this song

What I've Done

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve donePut to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Without me...

I have to laugh at myself and how crazy my brain works. Anyone woman will agree to how our spiderweb thought patterns form. One nano second you're thinking about getting new socks and then next you're thinking about your ex-best friend stabbing you in the back. It's just one of those things.

Have you ever thought how important you are to this world? Without you, so many things would be different in so many people's lives. We truly live in a world of butterfly effects.

The reason I bring this up as my mind spiderwebs across a million little things and I "stumble upon" a blog of a certain someone I burned a bridge many years ago. As I cruise her blog I cannot but help but take credit for a lot of her happiness. I bet you she doesn't see it that way. But the light from that burned bridge lights the way for many.  Well, she started the bridge on fire, I just threw unlit dynamite into the fire. Hey, what do you want from me? When I burn a bridge, I make sure it can't be rebuilt.

This particular person was a very close friend of mine, meeting when we were 18 years old. I want you to see how a friend like you or me has many rewards for others. This is the "if it weren't for me" game. I've walked that dark line of feeling unworthy and useless, and these little games reminded me that though I might not have achieved world greatness (yet) God still loves me and I make a great impact.

Check it out:

If if weren't for me:

She would have never met a whole new group of nice friends (away from gang life)

She would have never met her boyfriend P. and the decide to run away to Florida

Where in Florida she married husband D.

When things fell apart, she missed Chicago, I flew down and drove her and her stuff back (on my dime)

Back home to a whole new group of my friends.

Where she met my ex-boyfriend, who was a good friend of mine.

Who she got drunk with and "hooked up" with.

Who she fell for and eventually married.

In the midst of all that, over 8 years, I was always there for her, giving her anything she needed, friends, money, support and entertainment from the industry I ran. All this and she used me, turned her back when I needed her most and hurt my other friends' feelings (not just my own feelings) for her own self gain. (Not to mention all the people she tried and did actually hook up with in the process. Can we say skanky?)

I giggle to myself that I became her enemy out of her selfish reasons but if not for me her life would have gone a different direction. It's all good. I am the main reason she is where she is and with who she is with and that makes me happy. Do I think she's a good person, not really. Did I lose out on anything, not really. She helped make room for the real friends in my life and I am grateful for that.

This is just 1 example of how 1 person can make a different in a person's existence. I'm blessed how everything turned out because in the end when I lost everything and everyone I found my husband. She made room for the love of my life.  So here's to the butterfly effect and how truly important you are in this world. If you weren't here, I don't where the rest of us would be.

Effectively yours, Merry Ms Berry

The Most Dangerous place to be

is stuck in your own mind.

So. I know it's been awhile since I've written anything. In the last couple of months I've been battling an emotional war in my head. It's a horrible place to be. I had put myself in a conundrum of heart ache and confusion. For a Scorpio like me, that's a tough place to be because I really only know how to deal with one emotion at a time. Only being able to deal with one emotion at a time means that when I'm sad, I'm really sad. When I'm happy, I'm really happy.....and so on. So you can imagine the torment I have been putting myself through.

Here's the quick low down. Hubby and I are working through some communication issues and we have come through better on the other side. We lost site of being a couple and started drifting apart. Feelings got hurt, people got defensive and lines were drawn. Either we both are doing this, or we are both NOT doing this. Everyone tells me that every marriage goes through something like this, and I'm not above the norm. We are moving forward and the walls that I have built are slowly coming down. The Berry household is more at peace than it has been in months.

Now, with that being said...now for the reason for this post and the conclusions I have come to.

Being in that sad, heart broken state of mind, I tend to reminisce, lament and stalk my past. I beat myself up, asking myself if I should have done something different. I miss the great things that I once had, totally forgetting the pain tied to all of it. I was missing my first love. When things were good, we were amazing. When things were bad........restraints had to be used. Ya, it was one of those relationships. And I feel sorry for those around me that had to witness it.

The man in question is a good person. Deep down inside he's just a hurt guy trying to figure shit out. Even though we never got back together, we never let go of one another. There was a lot of pushing away and then wanting certain attention. But here's the thing about the entire mess.....I was idolizing the good parts and ignoring what was really going on. Since I was in a bad place, I didn't want to see more bad and I just accentuated the good. Then I realized that it never worked for "us" because he didn't want it to work, I didn't fight for it to work, and we were just using each other like drugs. A quick high, no real effort, a miserable crash and then we went on with our lives slightly fulfilled until the next time. This happened every.single.time! He's the ultimate bad boy and I was the unattainable female friend of everyone. Too much would have to happen for us to ever be right for each other. WhatthefuckwasIthinking? He used me and I used him. How horrible is that?

So laying in my bed this hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around my freshly painted room, in my home that I share with a man that is fighting for me. A man that has enough crazy to keep me on my toes, but has enough sense to see what he has in front of him.

Do I miss the great times, yes? But those times came with crashes to the planet so hard that I was left a broken person. So broken that even when crying on his hands and knees, begging to take him back I had nothing left inside to give. I was empty and didn't have the love for myself, let alone love for him. And this, by his hand nonetheless. How could one miss something like that? Well, it's possible. That's why your mind can be your worst enemy but also your greatest savior.

Here's to the present!

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry

Too Freaked to Speak?

Have you ever walked on eggshells for anyone? I have. Isn't it exhausting? I've been that person afraid to say what I really wanted to. Afraid of fighting. Afraid of what they might think of me. Afraid of confrontation.

I went from being in a toxic, extremely passionate relationship with amazing highs and horrible, soul retching lows to another one that was open, freeing, with a communicative acceptance. I learned so much from each of the relationships. This post is not about either of these relationships, it's about the one after.

I met Adam at a nightclub that I was working at (bad). Little did I know how messed up he actually was. Over the next month or so, we started texting and talking. He lived pretty far away so it was hard for us to just meet up for a casual drink, but eventually we did and it was all roller coasters from there. The best part of a new relationship is the beginning. We were able to share and talk without reservations because we were basically strangers and it was exciting to spill about ourselves. We fell madly for each other but it was so consumed with drama that I didn't really know how to approach him. Even falling for him I was freaked out but only my handy journal truly knew my fears (hint hint). He lived far but we always met  in the city. We would stay in lavish hotels and eat at amazing restaurants. I had stars in my eyes. He looked good, smelled good and knew how to spoil a girl. Things changed and fast.

The conversations came to a crawl. He became lippy, angry, suspicious and a plain ol' drunk. I was mortified. In my last relationship we were able to talk about anything without fighting. It was so awesome. Now I'm with this guy that I fell for and it's all falling to pieces, in a bad way. I had gotten so used to not fighting with someone that I didn't know where my voice went. I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to verbally put this guy in his place. He was irrational, moody and thought he knew everything.

I freaked out and clammed up, mostly out of shock. He was older than me so I thought he had worked through his emotional issues. Boy was I WRONG!!! If anything, us being together only amplified them. I know that I have a tendency to do that with people, but he was over the deep end. From start to finish it was the craziest 3 months of my life. He called and broke up with me and I was completely relieved. He still wanted to be with me but not at the intensity we were at. I agreed and we tried it from there.....it didn't work. It sucked. I couldn't say anything. He was so angry. He went through the motions of trying to be a good boyfriend but the emotional side I so desperately wanted was never there. I didn't need hotels, dinners and presents. I needed someone to talk to, to care for, to love me for me.

Looking back on it now, I wouldn't change a thing. It's something I needed for myself and also it's something he needed. Even without me saying a word he figured out that he needed to take some time for himself and figure out his issues and heal from his past relationship. Being with me only brought his fears and pain from the past. I wanted to know that I could fall in love again and that's exactly what I got, nothing more. Sometimes you don't need to fight and scream to get a point across. Sometimes things get figured out in front of you while you are trying to figure things out inside of you. A lot of times it's in the still silence is when you get the answers you seek.

Even now I don't always say what's on my mind, but some how people around me figure it out. I don't know how but I'm happy it does.

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Everyone's Balance is different.

I was told earlier today that I need to find balance in my life and that got me really thinking about my life as a whole. I have balance, just my balance is different than everyone else's balance. What is good for me might not be good for you.

My whole life I've been thinking on my feet, living in extremes and always having a million things to do or at least think of. I loved it like that. On the flip side, I've had a life where I didn't have anything going on and nothing interested me. I'm a very emotional person but I've learned over the years that I can't let my emotions run my life, it's very unstable. On one hand, having a lot going on makes me feel important. But on the other hand when I'm getting pulled in so many directions I shut down and escape from the world. It's just how it is. I've come to terms a little bit ago that I am the way I am and if I want to be different I can do so. As of this moment I am just taking one day at a time and looking for my path.

I know I'm on a path whatever path that may be. I'm not ruled by passion, which I do miss. But I am, also, not consumed with drama. At one point or another, each chapter of my life had some sort of emotional drain and drama in it. It's now to the point where there's still a little bit but nothing I can't iron out or work through.

Here are some things about me that I've learned about myself in past 5 years.
- I need to be me in everything that I do otherwise I won't succeed
- I'm an empath (google away for deeper meaning)
- I am a helper. I thrive and enjoy helping people fix themselves or fix the world around them.
- I am a giver. If you need it and I don't, you can have it.
- When I have a lot going on I feel important
- When I don't have anything going on I feel restless, like I'm missing out on the world
- It's a constant fight to stay present and in balance. I tend to want to live in extremes but know I shouldn't.
- I'm up for all kinds of adventures.
- I hurt when others hurt.
- I love to sleep deeply
- I strive to love deeply
- I ache to feel life and everything that comes with it
- I am NOT afraid to get hurt
- I love music and wish I could bless others with the gift of making music or singing.
- I am not afraid to cry
- I will hurt others when others try to hurt me or my family

It took a lot of digging, talking, relating and soul searching to come to terms of who I am and who I thought I wanted to be. I've changed goals and dreams. I've shrunk down for others and I've shined to help others shine. I love to uplift but also emotionally educate those in the dark. I am a set of flaws in extreme but I know how to handle it. It's me and I don't know how to be anyone else. Most can't handle who I am. Being too close to like being sucked in a tornado when I'm going full speed. But as the tide calms, I'm that comfy fuzzy warm blanket that you never want to leave. I can be the party, the bouncer or the care taker. I think everyone should have a balance of cool & heat in their heart. If it's okay for me, then it's okay for you.

Love this song

Carolina Liar,
Show my what I'm looking for
____________________________________

Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
To save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

The Universe has your back

Ok, so I'm human. After reading only a couple posts of mine, it's very evident how very human I am. I have lived my life to make mistakes, big and small. Now I am not without second guessing my moves, even though I "should" know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I, too, think about people in my past that once offered wonderful things to how I felt, but in the same breath knocked me down so hard I cried for days. Stupid, young love. So hot and so cold.

Here's the thing. There are certain parts of my past that I miss but I left them back there for a reason. And though those reasons don't hurt like they did, they still deserve to hold their validity. Pain fades & it's this reason why bad relationships continue on. I have to make an effort to stay in the present and look forward into the future. No matter how passionate, awesome, insane or extreme my life with someone else was, it wasn't meant to be. I have to tell myself that a lot. I would never hurt my husband, he's a wonderful man and I make a conscious effort to love him everyday. But there's still a small part of me that wonders...what if?

Now I'm sure me and my "what if" would have ended things again, because I did not go without trying to see about that "what if". From the start of "us" the mess that it was to a real "us" to something that wasn't more than a few bootycalls, we had each other for 9 years. Over those 9 years, we never really got on the same page, or in the same state, or ever emotionally close to one another to try again. I pushed him away and then he pushed me away. So many raw, powerful emotions, igniting passionate raging fires both great and horrible, that I knew we weren't ever supposed to be more than a learning experience. I get this!

Here is my reinforcement. Outside of the obvious, you're married, the past is the past, everything happens for a reason blah blah blah blah. From my horoscope to this email alert I get about articles, all were about cyclical relationships and how going back to an ex is just bad. Bad for you, bad for them, just wrong all around. It ended for a reason. Somethings just won't be fixed. Even the music on my Pandora station is playing music about broken hearts and moving forward.

Yes, I miss the insanity that was so amazing that killed me when it kept falling apart. But am I willing to lose so many wonderful people in my life on something I couldn't keep a hold of in my past? NOT a fucking chance! Though I have loving friends that would support any decision I made, I would be putting so much on the line, it's not worth losing everything I wished and prayed for. Yes, my life is blessed so much, but not perfect. But I think it's not perfect because we are always supposed to working on it. Whether love or work, keeping working on life! And if you have any doubts, look at the little signals, signs and flicks to the forehead from the universe. It says, you are where you're supposed to be. Change will come when you need it. I do not what that change. If change happens, it will happen later, whenever that may be. Right now, I love where I am.

So, to my first love. Thank you for all that I experienced with you. Without you I wouldn't have anything that I have now. I learned so much, both good and bad. And to the love of my life, thank you for continuing to fight for us. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I hope it's everything we both have ever dreamed of.

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry

Low Marriage rate, what happened?

So I've been thinking about why the marriage rate is so low and the divorce rate so high(is that a repetitive sentence?)  People (mostly women) still think that getting married is the key to happiness, but far from it. There are so many articles out there are about "how to get a guy" or "how to make him love you", blah blah blah. It sounds like we are plotting to land someone using ways to change ourselves for others. We are not finding, changing and reinventing ourselves from the inside out. And when we do "land" that special someone we feel that it is now that we can truly let our guard down and be who we are meant to be.

Bam, there is lies the problem! We don't know one another.We need to be ourselves from the get go.

No wonder the divorce is so high, we are getting into marriages with people that don't even know us. I myself am was one of them. I got married very quickly. so quickly that we didn't even get into a fight before we got married. After getting married and living with each other is when the shit hit the fan. We didn't know anything about one another. We didn't know each other's hot buttons. We didn't know how to talk through a fight.  We didn't know how to agree to disagree. And why should be? We lived 150 miles apart the 6 months while we were dating and for 5 months after we were married. Our biggest fight up until then was the fight to be together. Sounds romantic, doesn't it? Well about after we got together?

When we started to really get to know each other during our everyday lives, we were total strangers. I resulted into going introverted and became a robot to my outside life, not really being true to him or myself. Relationships are supposed to be about becoming best of friends, about excepting one another likes and dislikes.

One of my biggest dislikes to this day is being knit-picked and told how to do something. I believe I've made it this far in life I don't need to be told how to do trivial housework and insignificant errands. I can't stand it, it makes me go all stabby stab. but with that being said, he was not taking the time to really get to know me either.

I guess both of us thought we knew one another well enough. Little did we know that we didn't know each at all. I never knew about how emotionally charged he could be and how he took it out on the world around him. in the same light he didn't know that I'm the complete opposite. i leave problems where they lie. I don't expect others to feel the wrath of a bad day at work, or even the drive home. I don't have road rage, he does. He's quick to snap, I am not. but if I am backed into a corner or not left alone to cool down I explode. And I mean loud, angry, spiteful and just plain mean. I hate that side about myself. Why would anyone want to push someone to the brink of their sanity?

we are lucky that we lasted the first year. shit, we are lucky we lasted the 2nd year. there are still times where I look at him and think "who is this person and what did I do?"

I know he is a wonderful man and I have to let go of the idea that we are "perfect" together, but no one really is. I'm never going to do everything right in his eyes and vice-versa. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Life is getting better. The fights less intense. He's accepting me and I'm accepting him, and all our little weird random pieces of each other.

So what is the solution? Treat the one your dating like a friend. Your best friend. Know one another. Figure each other. Get into those secretive uncomfortable conversations that only you and your best friend know. If they are still around then you know you have found someone that loves all of you, not just the good parts. Why wouldn't you want to know everything about someone? Why wouldn't you want someone to know everything about you? yes, it's super scary. That person could turn against you and use your inner most insecurities against you, but you have that same power. But if they did, then you know they're not the person for you. don't let anyone judge you on your secrets, we all have them. But if you let them all out, then you have none. It's super scary. But we are all weird in our own way. The more we know about who we are with, the better we can love and accept them. And if we can't except all of them the sooner we can end things. (Not saying you should).

I guess I should have titled this blog about being yourself and accepting others for who they are. Enough with the "games" of trying to just get someone. Be yourself and you will attract others like you. And don't we want someone like us?

The price of starting over.

As a woman in her 30's, life and relationships bring about a whole new meaning. I, myself, am not one that is afraid to start over. Some women think that ending a relationship means giving up. But if you know you're not in the right relationship doesn't that kinda mean you're giving up on yourself? I know women who are afraid to be alone, they want to be married and start a family. Sometimes this happens early in life for people, for other it happens in their 30's, other women I have met has started in their 40's. We never know when it's supposed to happen for us. Happiness comes when you choose to allow it to.

Is there a price to starting over? Of course there is. There's a price or consequences in all the decisions that we make, even the tiny ones. Most of the time we don't see these consequences until later down the road, sometimes we see them right away.

Why am I bringing this up now? Our world are in constant change. I've known this my entire life. Your life could change any minute. It's just one of those things. With that said, we are able to change our lives anytime we see fit. I know of amazing women that are fighting, clinging and hoping that their relationships turn out to be everything they've dreamed about. But over the years it's hasn't come to that. Why? Why do we cling onto relationships that don't seem to be moving forward? Of course there are lots of changes in every relationship, but are they the changes that mean progress or recess? Are we afraid that once we let go, it's only then they'll change and we'll miss out? People are slow to change, what you see is what you get.

Stay or go? If you know you're in a relationship you shouldn't be, what are gaining by staying? What would you gain by leaving? If you stay, what are you sacrificing from yourself? Are you happy? Isn't that the point of being in a relationship? Trust, faith, love, friendship are all the things I think of when it comes to being in a relationship. When you don't have those things you have disloyalty, hurt, and animosity, all things that hurt your heart.

So instead of the price of starting over....what is the price of NOT starting over? I was willing to leave a house and all its contents, take my bed, my dog and my favorite chair and leave. Why? I wanted to be happy. I didn't want to be with someone who made me feel about myself, I can do that all by myself. I needed someone to make me feel better when I got to that dark place, not to put me there.

We all deserve to be happy. We are also responsible for our own happiness. If you're not happy, it's okay to change your life. It's yours. Lead by example. Stand up for your happiness and let others see that it's okay for them to change too.

Inspirationally yours, Merry Ms Berry

Draw the line

Life is too short to kill yourself over a relationship!!!

One of my besties KamiKam has been in a relationship for the past 6-7 years with a man not very similar to her but she loves him just the same. He's got many insecurities coupled with a few shit cards that life has dealt him. It's now to the point where he is spiraling into that dark place that we all are familiar with. She herself is on a different path. In the last 6-12 months she quit a job she hated, paid all her bills with unemployment, went back to school and beat herself up finding a new job in a field that she hasn't been in for over 6 years in a market where it's harder to find a job than not. She's one of those people that when presented with a problem, she finds a solution for it. She know the true meaning in life is to try to fill your life with happiness. We are get handed shit cards, it's up to us how we play these cards.

Back to Shane. He is not playing his cards like Kami would. He taking the approach that life has shit all over him and is taking his negativity out on Kami who is trying to love him as much as possible and make him happy. Whether that's giving him space or having a quickie in the morning. But Shane is in that place where nothing is going to make him happy. Not his hot girlfriend who loves making love to him, or taking time by himself to collect his thoughts. He's being destructive, acting out and hurting Kami in the process. He's not taking the time to see or acknowledge her. He's suck in his world of doodie which is inside of his own head. He forgets that she has had many shit cards handed to her, and after talking to her you would never know that. He's lost in that dark place and unconsciously is trying to take her with him. My heart breaks for her because I know that place all too well. I myself just came out of the battle. And we came out brighter on the other side, Thank God!

She feels lost, helpless and broken that she can't make this man she loves happy. She doesn't know how to help. She misses that man she once knew. She doesn't want to "give up" on the relationship. She knows that there's light at the end of EVER tunnel. What does she do?

Draw the line in the sand.

At this point she's tried being compassionate, compromising and there for him. But he is not seeing it and totally doesn't appreciate her, what she does for him or even that she's still around. She needs to protect herself and her happiness too. She does what she can and now she has to make sure that she is okay. She just started a new career, lost weight and sees the world without a cloud that she's been in for years. And in my opinion Shane doesn't know how to handle her successes when he only sees his own misery.

Draw the line!

He needs to get help. He needs a professional  to help pull him out of that dark place because Kami nor he can do it by himself. If he refuses then she needs to let him know that she can't watch him destroy not only their relationship, himself but also try to take her down with him. That's not fair to anyone. Everyone deserves to fight for their happiness. If Shane chooses not to be happy, that's his choice. He's a grown ass man. But he can't expect Kami to destroy her life and her happiness just the sake of a relationship. No relationship is worth having if you are killing one another, physically or emotionally.

Draw the line! You must be happy first before you can make anyone else happy. Like my mom says. When you're on an airplane you must put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else with theirs.

I've drawn the line and my husband stepped up as the man I knew he would be and our relationship is stronger because of it. Don't be afraid to draw that line in the sand. If people don't own up and they lose you, that's their fault not yours.

Life is too short to stay miserable for anyone in the world. Draw the line and make people own up to their actions. If not, you don't need these people in your life, bringing you down.

Feisty as hell, Merry Ms Berry

How to move on

My Feeshfeesh inspiration to writing, who I actively stalk, wrote about a gentleman who she was seeing and how his issues kept him from really moving forward into his life and new relationships. I scoured my blog to see that if I had written anything about moving past emotional baggage. From train to office, I've done nothing but think about it. Ok, except my little rant about how these 2 bitches in brown poofy coats cut me off, but that's not here or there.

Here's the thing about emotional baggage. We all have it. We are the only ones that can choose to let it affect those around us or not. I still have some deep rooted issues with some people that are in my past, but those issues that I have are not going to keep me from loving my husband, friends, family and pets.

I am a Scorpio. We are very passionate people. I, at one point in my life, ran solely on emotion....not a good way to live. It can really make you bi-polar. So I started looking at my emotions from a logical point of view. From there you are able to pull apart and dissect emotional experiences in your life, figure them out and move forward. Here are some easy steps to help you in this process:

1) Everyone is different. Each relationship you go through is going to be different because no 2 people are the same. Go into each situation with a clean slate on your heart.

2) If you expect others to treat you that way people in your past have, they are going to. You are constantly put off energy and signals of what you are afraid of. The most energy you give it, the more it is going to happen. Let it go.

3) Ask yourself "why" all the time? See what you were supposed to learn from your past relationships. Example: I dated this hot (emotionally stunted) guy for 3 crazy months. Why? Because all I asked from above was to fall in love, and that happened, I fell head over heels. It fell apart horribly!  After picking myself off the bathroom floor covered in tears and snot, and realizing it was exactly what I had asked for, nothing more, nothing less, my world became right once again.

4) Ask people who's opinion you value and appreciate about the relationship. Let them shine a 3rd party perspective on the situation. So many times we live/love with blinders on and those around us see more than we do.

You have to believe that everything happens for a reason. The whole world is connected to a huge spider web of life. One way or another. There's no such thing as "the one that got away" only if it were meant to be it would have been. Even know I think about my past but I don't question it. Life is so confusing but if you take the time to map it all out and see how everything in one way or another was connected by the simple powers of your spoken word, then you it will all become clear.

Expectedly, Merry Ms Berry