Holy 2015 Chapters

I say "chapters", plural, because so much has changed in ONE year. At times it seemed like an eternity ago and at others it was just a blink of an eye. But here I am, a person that in this time on Monday I will be someone's mom.

I am 41 weeks pregnant and my little guy is getting served his eviction notice on Monday. Sometimes I think knowing the exact moment your life is going to change is more nerve racking then when it just happens with no preconceived notion of it.

In January, 2015 I have traveled to Puerto Rico, took 3 planes from 4 different airports to get there in the dead of winter when it was 3 degrees outside. A great way to start to rebuilding my marriage that hung by the threads of mistrust, pain and heart break. I recommend traveling to Puerto Rico in the middle of winter. The sands, sun and water were the perfect blanket of warmth to mend frozen hearts, amongst the alcohol fueled adventures and the passion filled rooms.

In February I became pregnant with our first child. My pregnancy itself was pretty great. I didn't go all bipolar, psycho, cry at every moment. On the contrary I found most things very humorous. Except the changes to my body. If you know any of the real me, you know that I'm vain, self conscious and slightly insecure about how I look and I prefer to be cute and fit. Well, add months of cheese fries and milkshakes and all that fit and hotness goes right out the window. So be it.

In June I had to put my best friend of 14, my fur baby, the one creature that loved me unconditionally, to sleep. I still cry at least once a week. I miss my Zoey beyond words. I am not going to go into details on why she had to go, but it was time. It came on hard and fast, and she was not going to suffer out of my own selfishness of wanting her around. Everyone she met loved her. For a dog, she had the biggest and silliest personality.

In August I sold my purple "brat mobile" Monte Carlo. 10 years and almost 200k miles, she was a ticking time bomb of car repairs and it was, also, her time to go. In her place we bought a 4 door, sparkly white, turbocharged mom-mobile. Her name is Snowflake. Though her personality is not as big as the "brat mobile's" she is a good, fast car and we look forward to making hundreds, if not thousands of memories in her.

In September I traveled to the desert to paint watercolor paintings in old silver mining towns.

From the most epic of baby showers to painting the whole house, my life has been a constant change. I am blessed in so many ways and yet overwhelmed with all that is about to continue to happen. The things that meant so much to me that began new chapters in my life, Zoey, the brat mobile, are gone but opened new chapters. I'm sad because I miss them but probably more so because the new chapters aren't written yet.

On a lighter note, I have been told numerous times that I don't look 10 months pregnant. Yes, 10! It's supposed to be a full 9 months, but in all actually it's 40 weeks which is 10 months.

I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm excited, I am someone new that gets to experience a new life with no fucking clue what to expect. But the baby's room is beautiful so I have that.

I will be back.

Below is a picture of my contractions and little man's movements from a couple weeks ago. Funny how it's reflects the look of a rollercoaster.

Consistently changing, Merry Ms Berry

Another one bites the dust.

Ya know how it's a bad idea to re-date ex-boyfriends? Well...I was just reminded that the same idea should go for best friends too.

Silver lining...?

Silver lining.....?

Hmm......I got it. True Love. Again. Yay me!

Long story short. My hubby and I went on a long weekend ski trip to Breckenridge, CO with another couple, one of the people being my "best friend" Blondie. Over the entire weekend she didn't say more that 5 sentences to either of us. By the time I had alone time with her to discuss how she was acting or to see if there was something wrong, I felt so out of place and uncomfortable, that I actually wanted nothing to do with her. Also, my body was so beat up from falling on my face down the mountainside, all I really wanted to do was enjoy my buzz in bed and watch some cheesy movies, while the mens did some night skiing.

The day after getting back from an extremely uncomfortable weekend I might have abrasively demanded an explanation for her behavior. I was extremely emotional, on edge, and disturbed by the whole ordeal that my execution of the discussion started off rough and ended up even worse. I put her on the spot and she threw a hissy fit and proceeded to read (type via text message) me the riot act.  She told me to grow the fuck up and turned the whole thing around on me. In the end I told her that we weren't the people we thought we were and to take care. SEE....I can take the high road too. Kinda.

Here's the thing about the whole situation. I only lit the fuse to the bomb that exploded that bridge. Blondie provided the dynamite. Problems started years ago. Tiny red flag after tiny red flag started to appear. Trying to be the better person and not let weird, little petty things come in the way of a friendship. A relationship that I fought to rebuild after she turned her back on me years before and I had reached out to her about 5 years ago. As the years went on I noticed her core values changed and changed in a way very different from my own. People change. I get it. Some grow with you, some grow away from you. We grew apart. Proof I wasn't really ever that important to her. Proving to myself, also, that she wasn't really that important to me either. In the end we should protect ourselves and our values. If someone isn't adding any sort of value to your life then what's the point of having them around? Isn't it counterproductive in the pursuit of happiness?

Okay back to the silver lining. If I hadn't pushed Blondie to leave her comfort zone and give this Minnesota man a shot she would not be engaged to him right now. AND I mean really had to convince her to give him a chance. I've always fought for the fairytale romance and look what happened. You never know what could happened and now I can sleep easily knowing that my purpose in this friendship was greater than us actually being friends. Yay me! I can say that this is not the first time it's happened, but that's not here or there.

I went through this once before with Blondie but it was me in the hot seat and her that walked away. Well.... I need to walk away and it's okay. It's in times of solitude is when we truly find ourselves. I hope she finds what she's missing.


Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

P.S. I was accused of burning bridges but all I wanted to do was talk. She blew that bridge up and it needed to be done.

Faith's kick in the head

I am human. I fall. I falter. I rage. I cry. I get up and do it all over again.

It's been a weird couple of months. I must remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Repeat. I.am.exactly.where.I.am.supposed to be.

With that being in mind, it truly has been weird and I need to take in account the red flags that are currently presented to me. The hard working, defeated by nothing side of me says keep going, turn a blind eye, it's nothing you can't work through. The other side of me, the softer, injured, little bit more aware side of me says "GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE YOU DUMBASS!"

Let's proceed. I work 2 days a week for one of my closest guy friends for a creative agency he runs and owns. I love it! The work is admin work but I don't care because he's a blast to be around, he has great taste in tea, he includes me into his shenanagins and he let's me bring my dog to the studio. Yay best boss ever! Currently it's just making my bills, so my stress level is low.

Now here comes the part that needs....let's say "adjusting". On Fridays I babysit for one of the cutest babies ever. Love him! Love spending time with him. Since I am enjoying it so much I've decided to keep the good fight up to work with children as a nanny. A gentleman who is freshly out of a divorce contacted me to see if I might be interested in watching his boys after school. Now I wasn't really looking for after school stuff only because it's not a lot of hours and the age group is not really my "wheelhouse" ...per say.

The man was nice. His kids are nice. They are boys and they are exactly what normal boys their age are like. So.....why not? I felt bad for the guy. (problem #1) I shouldn't feel bad and put myself in a position I might not love.

Day 1 at new "job". I wake up to "dad" texting me that he might have locked me out of the house without knowing. No biggie. I don't mind having the boys at my house. I get to the house early to make sure that wasn't the case, all is good. I walk down to the school to get the boys and I am approached by a man looking for a "babysitter". Unwittingly I give him my number, tell him how much I charge and I will have to talk to him later. On the walk home this guy calls me. I told him that I need to focus on the boys and I need to talk to him after 6 pm. He says "okay" then tells me he'll just text me. Over the next hour he texts me 4 times with stupid shit. (problem #2) He then proceeds to call me "cutie" and asks if nannies do "overnights". UMM....WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE SMOKING? As professionally as I can after having a freak out moment with my husband, I tell  him that I "regretfully decline any and all babysitting positions". Luckily I haven't heard from him since, I was about to go a little cray cray wanna verbally stab stab. But I didn't have to. Yay.

We get back to the house and I take the boys to the park to be boys. Run, jump, climb, wrestle, break sticks against things......ya know boy stuff. Since they live right across the street from a park, the walk back was all of 2 seconds. I notice a car in the driveway and realized that it must be the ex-wife. A little earlier than I thought she would be there. (problem #3). The woman is just lovely, she really is. It was nice to meet her and chat for a moment. She let some "divorce" talk slip in during idol chit chat but hey, who am I to stop a lady on a rant? I leave early (problem #4) and go home.

I go home and decide to spend the whole next day cooking. I wake to "dad" texting me that he put the right key back and assures me that I won't be locked out. I ask if he's talking about the 12th of November and say no "today". Whaaaat? To my confusion I thought I worked for him 2 afternoons, come to find out its 3. Fun. Shaking the funk out of my sandy eyes I collect myself and start on my day as planned. I drive to pick up the boys from school because of the chance of rain. I see "dude" and run past him to the boys. Heebeejeebees!!! We drive back and as I pull into the driveway there are 2 cars in the drive. I am notified from my charges that it's mom and grandma. Huh?

I text the dad to let him know the situation. I talked the ex-wife and told her I would keep the boys busy while she packed up her stuff. She closes on a townhouse in 3 weeks. I guess it's crunch time. A couple hours in, many foam darts fired and the world saved from Russian vampires and I decide to leave. Everyone is having dinner together and I want to go home.

Can I look past any of these situations? Sure can. But do I want to? I took a job for extra money that's actually disrupting of commitments that I have, for a family that doesn't know how to communicate. They are nice people but something inside is telling me to move on. This is not for me. My darling hubby says stick with it, but I really don't want to. I have put myself in situations for the sake of money or other people too many times. This is not fun for me.

So here I am. 11:30pm on a Wednesday night and I'm writing to you. Halloween is tomorrow. It's raining outside and I love the sound. I've made up my mind. On Friday I will collect my pay...all $59...woo hoo...what a pain....and I will be moving on. Too bad too. The boys were hilarious.

Faithfully yours, Merry Ms Berry

The price of starting over.

As a woman in her 30's, life and relationships bring about a whole new meaning. I, myself, am not one that is afraid to start over. Some women think that ending a relationship means giving up. But if you know you're not in the right relationship doesn't that kinda mean you're giving up on yourself? I know women who are afraid to be alone, they want to be married and start a family. Sometimes this happens early in life for people, for other it happens in their 30's, other women I have met has started in their 40's. We never know when it's supposed to happen for us. Happiness comes when you choose to allow it to.

Is there a price to starting over? Of course there is. There's a price or consequences in all the decisions that we make, even the tiny ones. Most of the time we don't see these consequences until later down the road, sometimes we see them right away.

Why am I bringing this up now? Our world are in constant change. I've known this my entire life. Your life could change any minute. It's just one of those things. With that said, we are able to change our lives anytime we see fit. I know of amazing women that are fighting, clinging and hoping that their relationships turn out to be everything they've dreamed about. But over the years it's hasn't come to that. Why? Why do we cling onto relationships that don't seem to be moving forward? Of course there are lots of changes in every relationship, but are they the changes that mean progress or recess? Are we afraid that once we let go, it's only then they'll change and we'll miss out? People are slow to change, what you see is what you get.

Stay or go? If you know you're in a relationship you shouldn't be, what are gaining by staying? What would you gain by leaving? If you stay, what are you sacrificing from yourself? Are you happy? Isn't that the point of being in a relationship? Trust, faith, love, friendship are all the things I think of when it comes to being in a relationship. When you don't have those things you have disloyalty, hurt, and animosity, all things that hurt your heart.

So instead of the price of starting over....what is the price of NOT starting over? I was willing to leave a house and all its contents, take my bed, my dog and my favorite chair and leave. Why? I wanted to be happy. I didn't want to be with someone who made me feel about myself, I can do that all by myself. I needed someone to make me feel better when I got to that dark place, not to put me there.

We all deserve to be happy. We are also responsible for our own happiness. If you're not happy, it's okay to change your life. It's yours. Lead by example. Stand up for your happiness and let others see that it's okay for them to change too.

Inspirationally yours, Merry Ms Berry

I want you to know me.

Because you are not alone. Today I listened a lot about good and bad, receptive and closed off, life and death, tragedies and lessons. It all made me think about me at this very second and what it all took to get me here.

When you first meet me you might think that I don't have a care in the world, I've never felt any pain, that I have always been blessed with a cheery disposition and a great outlook on life. Well....quite the contrary. What made me think about this is when the love of my life (hubby) is in a bad mood and I was unable to cheer him up. Yet, in the same day, I sent one of my bff's a text message and the exact time that he needed it and it helped pull himself out of a funk. After 2 very different conversations with 2 very different men in my life, I realized that it's all about perception and reception.

At first getting to know me you would never know that I was once a perfectionist. Or that my father was an alcoholic and I was an addict. Or that I hated myself for not being perfect. You would never know that I excelled in everything I did because I just wanted the approval of my peers and my family. I don't wear the anguish on my face from messed up relationships, getting cheated on, stabbed in the back and belittled for just being me. I've had (probably still have) haters, which is fine.  I've had 3 mental breakdowns where I cried (and I mean sobbed) everyday for months, leaving me a shell of a human being. Or that I used to lay in the dark with candles lit listening to sad music. You would also never know that at one point in my life I was so brutally tormented and verbally abused and threatened that I thought killing myself would be my friends and family's only savior from this psychopath.

Why am I telling you this? I'm telling you because when I put myself out there to try and make other people feel better from a shitty day, I want them to know that I've been there. I've been in that dark place so deep that just merely existing hurt. I've been in that place where you've run out of money and every bill is due tomorrow. I've been there. I've traveled the most inner depths of my soul. I've taken journeys with other people into theirs to explore, realize and have life changing epiphanies. I've been there. I've stayed home from work and school because I was in so much pain that my back just wouldn't let me up. I've been there where my knees were so bad that I would be in tears just walking. I've been under so much stress that I now have ulcers that once stab me to my core and put me on the floor. I see you! I feel you!

I wear my heart on the outside because I want YOU to know me. I wear it to show you that I am open, vulnerable and that you can trust me. I also wear it to show people that I am not afraid. I am strong. I have fought a great fight against the world and myself from the utter depths of darkness. I came back and realized what you should happy for and what you shouldn't waste your energy on. I've been there on the brink. I've dragged my body through my own personal hell with a fucking smile on my face for the world to so no one felt my pain. I did and will always do it for you. Because I want the world to know that people like me DO exist!!! We fight our battles for others. And for what??????? Peace of mind and true happiness. It's that simple. I write for you because you need it. If you're struggling you need to know my story. You need to know that you're going to be okay. That if I can do it, so can you. You need to know that happiness is so simple to achieve it just takes some practice. It's a change in perception. It's deciding that nothing has power over you except  you. No bill, no house, no boyfriend, lover, peer, drug or job!!!!

Don't be afraid. Don't be angry. You are only hurting yourself and trust me, it's not worth it.

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

When to Let Go!

Being a proud stubborn, slightly eccentric Pollack, I don't like to admit defeat and used to be a very poor loser. Over time I have realized that you have to lose at some games and parts of life to learn and appreciate the lessons that God wants us to learn. Now I am about to be a gracious loser but I still do the happy dance when I win.

With that said, we are not meant to date everyone. When relationships end, it doesn't mean that they are a failure, it just means there is something or someone better is meant to be in your life in the future (whether tomorrow, the next day, the next year or whatnot). But the longer you have to cling, claw and convince someone to stay in your life, or be that person being convinced, the longer you prolong true (meant to be) happiness. 

If you are fighting over trivial, small things....it might be time to reconsider your relationship.  If you both cannot be nice to one another, there are bigger problems underlining the smaller issues. 

If you are asked or are asking for "one more chance" and you've receieved at least 3 of them. Your "one" more chance is over. If you or they didn't learn the first or even the second time, its time to move on. 

You are changing yourself or expecting the other person to change who they are, how they act or what they believe. If you or they are not meeting certain standards then it means you don't have the same morals or values and it's time to move on. 

When you avoid or "conveniently forgot" devices of communication. If you find yourself wanting to escape from even talking with the one you are in a relationship with it's time to escape the whole relationship. 

You feel bad or poor about yourself. We are in relationships to feel loved, inspired, uplifted and vulnerable. If you are making someone feel about themselves or being made to feel bad, then you are not soul mates, move on. 

These are just a few examples of when and why to let go. It is perfectly normal and okay to end a relationship. Just like taking in oxygen we have to let go of carbon dioxide, toxic to us but beneficial to plants. You heart & body physically will let you know when you are in a good or bad relationship. Example, I would get physically sick because of a bad relationship. My ulcer would flare up, I would lose weight and just look like death. I couldn't even tell you a good reason why I let this douche bag stay in my life. I wanted him gone so badly and yet he would not leave. He's pure evil. BUT because of me standing my ground and ridding that evil from my life no matter what, I was blessed with meeting my husband. Out with the bad and in with the fabulous!!!! When you close one chapter another one automatically beginnings. It's as simple as turning the next page. 

I love you and want you to be happy. I have so much to share with you, please ask me anything. I've gone through a ton and learned from all it. Learn from me learning. 

<3 MerryMsBerry