Where to begin....again?

I look back at all my "drafts" and can barely remember what they were about. Before kids, that was the way I used to jot down my ideas and finish them at a later time. These days, if my notes aren't detailed enough, I have zero idea what I needed to do. And I am okay with that. 

So here I am, yet another version of myself and I couldn't be happier, intrigued, excited and scared all at the same time. I know I'll go back in time and fill you guys in what happened over the last......holy shit, 10 years. Until then I will catch you up on today. 

I am a stay-at-home mom of 2 boys, 1 thick female dog, named Gypsy (who loves me most), the proud owner of a soccer mom-mobile Explore to fit said thick dog and children, newly acquired Bronco owner (husband's lifelong dream vehicle), suburban gym going, roommate having, energy healing human expanding her consciousness and raising her vibration every chance I get. Don't get me wrong, I will still scream at people who drive like psychos but that's limited to maybe a couple times a year. 

If you caught all that, yes you read energy healing. I am studying and will be certified in becoming an energy healer by next year, 2024. A far stretch from my schooling as a graphic designer, psychology major or early childhood. My long stretch as an admin of any sort, office manager, assistant, operations anything is long gone and the thought of going back makes me want to peel my skin off. 

I've been awake since 5ish. ICK! but knowing if I had fallen back asleep and woken up at 6ish it would have made me feel worse. So here I am, back on my decaf wagon once again. I'm going to try and put my thoughts together and figure out what I actually want to talk about from this day forward. 

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Maybe I do need some closure

For whatever reason I've had a hard time letting shit go. I was about to type out a letter for no reason just to get thoughts out of my head and send it to an ex-bestfriend. In the past when shit went down I was the first to let it go. It would roll off my shoulders and I was all about "is it what it is and it was what it was." Of course I used to smoke a lot of pot back day in the day, too. I'm sure that played a big role in my free spirit, not remembering, la-dee-da attitude. Though my memory is about 75% since having my son, there are still some things that bother me. So, instead of actually writing to those that don't deserve my attention, I'll leave it here. If by some weird chance those from my past come across it then so be it, if not then no harm no foul.

Dear you,

I've been lamenting for quite some time whether or not I would ever write to you. I had always been one to fix things, right wrongs, or keep friendships alive. I am no longer that person. It bothers me that you bother me. I'm not jealous, mad, sad, or glad for or about you. One reason is because I know you never really cared about me. I was just another pawn in your little game of life to get to things you wanted. I look back to see how manipulative you were to others and never thought I would feel that hand but I did and it was for the best.

I think why I'm bothered as much as I am is because of how much I truly cared for you. I went above and beyond more than anyone had ever done for you. Knowing you, you probably don't see anything you've ever done wrong. You've never put yourself in anyone else's shoes. You just wanted what you wanted and no one was going to tell you otherwise. The sad thing was that I only ever wanted you to be happy.

I've thought about writing about all the little things from the beginning to the end of us but it doesn't really matter. Not then and not now, except for one little thing. Without me, your life would be profoundly different. From the beginning to the end of us, not one major life change in the last 17 years doesn't have something because of me. And for that I can die tomorrow knowing my purpose was greater than most. I can say that my mere little existence has changed many lives for the better and not just yours, and that's pretty neat.

From what you think I know to what you don't think I know, I hope you are not the person that turned your back on your friends so long ago. I hope for the sake of your children you've learned some hard life lessons that will make them better as they grow.

I've received some divine intervention through dreams with regards to you. God wants me to have some understanding, compassion, and caution when it comes to you and your life. There were times I've woken up missing my friend and wanting you to go running with. Other times I've woken up glad you were gone. Either way everything had to happen for a reason. You had to leave me to find my soul mate and start a brand new chapter with a whole different world. And I know was the same for you.

In the end I hope you got your ass handed to you. I hope it made you a different and better person. I hope that you've had to fight for all that you have because before when life was handed to you, you didn't appreciate it. I hope life is life. Good. Bad. Beautiful.

Sincerely, Truly Merry Ms Berry

P.S. the funny thing about this letter is that it can actually go to a couple people. I guess I had more learning to do that I thought. Yay me learn stuff!

Holy 2015 Chapters

I say "chapters", plural, because so much has changed in ONE year. At times it seemed like an eternity ago and at others it was just a blink of an eye. But here I am, a person that in this time on Monday I will be someone's mom.

I am 41 weeks pregnant and my little guy is getting served his eviction notice on Monday. Sometimes I think knowing the exact moment your life is going to change is more nerve racking then when it just happens with no preconceived notion of it.

In January, 2015 I have traveled to Puerto Rico, took 3 planes from 4 different airports to get there in the dead of winter when it was 3 degrees outside. A great way to start to rebuilding my marriage that hung by the threads of mistrust, pain and heart break. I recommend traveling to Puerto Rico in the middle of winter. The sands, sun and water were the perfect blanket of warmth to mend frozen hearts, amongst the alcohol fueled adventures and the passion filled rooms.

In February I became pregnant with our first child. My pregnancy itself was pretty great. I didn't go all bipolar, psycho, cry at every moment. On the contrary I found most things very humorous. Except the changes to my body. If you know any of the real me, you know that I'm vain, self conscious and slightly insecure about how I look and I prefer to be cute and fit. Well, add months of cheese fries and milkshakes and all that fit and hotness goes right out the window. So be it.

In June I had to put my best friend of 14, my fur baby, the one creature that loved me unconditionally, to sleep. I still cry at least once a week. I miss my Zoey beyond words. I am not going to go into details on why she had to go, but it was time. It came on hard and fast, and she was not going to suffer out of my own selfishness of wanting her around. Everyone she met loved her. For a dog, she had the biggest and silliest personality.

In August I sold my purple "brat mobile" Monte Carlo. 10 years and almost 200k miles, she was a ticking time bomb of car repairs and it was, also, her time to go. In her place we bought a 4 door, sparkly white, turbocharged mom-mobile. Her name is Snowflake. Though her personality is not as big as the "brat mobile's" she is a good, fast car and we look forward to making hundreds, if not thousands of memories in her.

In September I traveled to the desert to paint watercolor paintings in old silver mining towns.

From the most epic of baby showers to painting the whole house, my life has been a constant change. I am blessed in so many ways and yet overwhelmed with all that is about to continue to happen. The things that meant so much to me that began new chapters in my life, Zoey, the brat mobile, are gone but opened new chapters. I'm sad because I miss them but probably more so because the new chapters aren't written yet.

On a lighter note, I have been told numerous times that I don't look 10 months pregnant. Yes, 10! It's supposed to be a full 9 months, but in all actually it's 40 weeks which is 10 months.

I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm excited, I am someone new that gets to experience a new life with no fucking clue what to expect. But the baby's room is beautiful so I have that.

I will be back.

Below is a picture of my contractions and little man's movements from a couple weeks ago. Funny how it's reflects the look of a rollercoaster.

Consistently changing, Merry Ms Berry

Sometimes it's okay to wander

Never in my 35 years alive have I not had a plan, a goal, a vision of what or where I thought I wanted my life to go, end up, and become. But here I am in place where, if 10 years ago you would have told me I'd be, I'd laugh in your face and probably be spilling my martini on your shoes in the process. Even now I have no concrete plan or ideas on what I want to do with my life.

I am currently baking a little man in the oven. I have a couple more months until he arrives and then the next chapter of my life begins as another whole new person. I've only been a "mom" to a dog, who I miss uncontrollably, but never to a little human. I've been a friend, enemy, business partner, employee, lover, fighter and probably a million other things that my "baby brain" won't let me remember, but never a 24/7, rest of my life figure head over something my body created with someone else. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it, even though billions of people have already done the same.

Who do I want to be? Where am I going? What is going to become of a life I thought I had control over? So many questions and yet I have no answers. I want to be a great mom and teach my child to be the best he can be. Through trials, failures, successes and plain ol' fun, I want to help him mold himself into whoever he feels he wants to be. Isn't that what a "parent" is supposed to do? That's what my mom did for me. She wanted me to succeed but knew I had to fail to get there.

So....now what? What can I do with myself to show my son how to be awesome? What do I work towards or become to show him that life is supposed to fun, hard, messy, painful and totally worth all of it?

I had to throw my hands in the air and let the all mighty ruler of the universe lead me to this point, maybe I should continue to do so because I have no idea what else to do. Write? Paint? Draw? Speak? I always thought I had to control every moment and make things happen, but in the end it didn't work for me like that. So here's to NOT having a plan. NOT kicking ass & taking names. NOT knowing what to do. And NOT caring otherwise. Here's to loving the moment in a life, with amazing people and just letting the rest of it go.

Curiously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Please forgive yourself

Our biggest and harshest judges in the world are ourselves. We are truly the hardest on the one person we should be loving the most.

We all makes mistakes. We all want to be amazing in life. Most of us want to accepted, appreciated and love around us that are closest.

This is a huge topic and I'm thinking I might break it up into a few posts or try to just get the major points down. I'm not sure, so we'll see what happens.

When we don't forgive ourselves for mistakes we've made or the shortcomings that we have, we beat ourselves up and keep the pain inside. A pain that lives in the past. We continue to repeat the pain that we've inflicted on ourselves and just like a skip in a movie or song, it plays over and over and over, damaging us even further.

We will all do it, but very few of us will actually forgive ourselves and move forward.

As humans we are given the opprotunity to make mistakes and learn from them. We can't change the past, we can only grow as individuals from those mistakes.

Too many times I would get lost in my head, wish I did something different, said something else, tried a different career move, never gave up horseback riding. I thought they were regrets but at the moment they weren't.

Whether we feel we are doing the right thing or not, we are still and will always be on our path. Our paths are riddled with mistakes, adventures, experiences and what not. That's the best part of life. Learning, letting go, moving forward and being a better person.

You are not the person you were yesterday or even this morning. Think about it. Everyday you wake up is another day to do something right, or better, or insane. Whatever it is, its just another day. We can try and fix our wrongdoings and apologize for our behavior, but that's about it. If it's not accepted then keep moving forward.

You will always wish at one point or another that you made a different decision but it was just wasn't meant to be at that moment. It is what it is. Let's say that together. IT IS WHAT IT IS!

Even like RIGHT NOW I see people living successfully in their careers and I wish I could emotionally take solace in that kind of mind set but I can't. I chose a different route for my life and I will continue to choose another route soon enough. I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be forever but I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. I always play the butterfly game in my head, but life really isn't like that. One way or another you will get steered back to the path that the universe wants you on.

With all that being said, look in the mirror and say "I forgive you." Its so powerful. And then let the past off your shoulders. Trust me, it's too heavy to carry. I know it's easier to forgive others than it is yourself, but you are more important. In the end other people might or might not care about if you forgive them or not, but you will always affected by you.

Forgivenly yours, Merry Ms Berry

You are who you have around you.

I have recently let some people in my life go and for a second I felt bad about it. Then I had to take a step back and remember that people are going to come in and out of our lives all the time. Then that also got me thinking about these particular people. I thought about their work ethic, drive to succeed or just to make it on their own 2 feet. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. This is I have always believed in and will instill the same values into my children when I have them. When I have children, there's one particular person I don't believe carries the same morals and values as myself when it comes to kicking ass and taking names, no matter how hard it may be. Do the right thing, not the easy thing. So, I don't want this person around the children (that I don't even have yet) because I do not believe that they would be a good role model. Then why would I want them in my life? Think about it. If there are people in your life that you wouldn't want around your children or future children then why do you keep them in your life? Why do you subject yourself to people who don't bring any value to your life? This also goes for my single parent friends! If you are seeing or thinking about seeing a particular person, is that person good enough to either "be someone you would want your kids with" or even around? And if they are not good enough for them, then why would they be good enough for you? Aren't we supposed to be the role models for the next generation? Aren't we supposed to be the ones that lead by example? If we want the best for our children doesn't that mean we should strive to be the best ourselves and expect the best in others around us? If we surround ourselves with the best, won't our children see that and know that as the norm? Wouldn't they come to be the best and expect the best around them, too? Just a few thoughts from our neighborhood friendly Ms. Berry.

Lovingly, Merry Ms. Berry

Don't throw your mirror at me.

Insecurities are a tricky little fungus that's hard to recognize how and where it came from. I've been asked to elaborate on why people might do what they do.

I have found in my own personal life and observing the lives of others that usually when one party insistently accuses the other party of anything whether it's "being too nice", flirting, cheating or whatever people do, it's usually because the accusing party is actually doing the same. It's a classic situation of projection.
These people that project these kinds of feelings onto those that they say they love is because they think "well if I'm doing it then they must be doing it, too." Because if they aren't then how does that make me look as a person. They use the "eye for an eye" theory. They also believe that everyone does it, too.

Now I do understand there are some people that hold onto the past and anything that has happened they only assume it'll happen again. I've never cheated but have been cheated on. It's not fair to treat those you care for negatively because someone completely different hurt you. Everyone deserves to be treated individually.

Ok, back to insecure ramblings. Let's look at some fun examples!

I dated this guy Senor Douche Bag. No one is allowed to know or even say his name because that would make him human and he is not. Because people have souls and he doesn't. SDB (for short) was constantly telling me how I freak him out, how he doesn't trust other guys around me and how uncomfortable I seemed to make him at times. In the beginning I wouldn't stand for this kind of talk and told him that I didn't deserve to be accused of anything. I had no problem ending the relationship but he always seemed to weasel his way back. At the end of the relationship, to hurt me as bad as he possibly could, he told me he had been cheating on me almost the entire time. Also, not only that but he laso said that all the other guys I had dated had cheated on me, too. The way that he talked to me was like he knew the other guys I had dated. Yes, some of them did cheat on me, but I also know that there are guys that I dated that didn't. Matter of fact, they just weren't the cheating type. The relationships just weren't meant to be and had to be dissolved. SDB had felt to horrible about himself without even realizing it that I was a threat to him. He was jealous of my mental stability and the love that I had for myself that he was going to do anything in his power to break me. And sadly to see he almost did.

When people start spewing nonsense at you and you have no idea where it's coming from...it's coming from the reflection of their own mirror. It's what they see in themselves and in their heart, so what's on their heart is going to go into their thoughts, therefore shooting out of their mouth. They don't realize it's not real people they are a delusional bunch. Know thyself and that's it. We, all, are going to com across insecure people with either scared hearts and skeletons in their closest. Matter of fact, we ALL have a past. We all make mistakes that we HAVE to learn from. That's the best part, we can learn, live and be better. Don't hold onto the past it'll never change. Assume the best in people and more times than not you'll get it. Figure out why you feel the way you do, whether you're the accuser or the you're the accusee. Life is way too short not to be able to just let go and breathe.

Openly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Pain is there to learn from

We all will experience pain, both physical and emotional. Pain is part of God's tests. You see in it movies all the time. Someone is stripped of everything and everyone they love or think they have control of, only to learn a different and bigger lesson of life and always down a completely different path then what they "wanted". Your plan more times than is not His plan. Needs and wants are forcefully examined by these trying experiences in one's life.

From an very early age I've experienced a lot of both mental, emotional and physical pain. Coincidentally, all this pain actually fed off of each other. I had to learn to let go of what ever emotional pain that I was torturing myself with to feel the physcial pain go away. I was that child & then teenager, that was worried about the world around them. What did people think of me? Was my family going to be okay? Am I good enough for their love? I always put other peoples' feeling before my own.  These are things that some adults don't care to bother themselves with. But I came to find out how blessed I truly was to have the strength as a young girl to carry such burdens in my heart. Because now as a grown woman I am able to share my lessons through letting my pain go to end up at peace with myself and my physical body. Not too many people can say that.

From the stress that I caused myself in relationships, whether with my parents, friends, or teachers, I ended up with severe muscle knots in my entire back, causing my whole bone structure to shift. This shift lead to hip problems, grinding knees and faulty ankles, not to much excruciating pain back. Pain where there were days I couldn't get out of bed. That worry also led to ulcers. Stabbing, debilitating ulcers that would throw me to the ground. Still all of this didn't stop me from being active in sport. It just meant knee braces and a lot of drugs to keep the pain bearable.

And here's the thing about all of it, no one knew about it. I told almost no one. It wasn't until I was physically unable to hold myself up is when people would take notice. Yes, my family knew some of this pain, but I never looked for anyone's sympathy. Why should I put more stress on the people I loved because of my pain? After a few mental breakdowns and actual breakthroughs I was able to come to the realization that no amount of worrying or control was ever going to help anything or anyone. People were going to be people and the world was going to continue whether or not I cared myself into sickness. God has a plan and I learned to trust that plan.

I started to take care of me and only me. Yes, I still loved and respected my friends and family but it was not my job to protect them from themselves. It took it upon myself to respect myself as much as I did them. After all, who was protecting me? No one. We all have to take responsibility for ourselves. I readily available, in case they needed me. And guess what happened when I started to focus on just me and not the anguish of the world. I started to get better. Slowly. I learned about calm breathing, meditation, smokey festivities, talking and sharing your thoughts and fears. Writing poetry, painting pictures, taking walks or just lying there in silence to let my thoughts clear or let the tears flow. OMG!!! Crying!!! More people need to cry! It's one the most emotional freeing experiences ever! It connects you to others, you can feel what they feel. It's emotions turned into something physical. Cry out your anger and it's like a fog is lifted and you can see your answers in front of you.

If you are not learning from your pain, you're not learning how to live. Learn to let go and thank your blessing that you are strong enough to go through the pain. Because in the end you will go through it and end up better on the other side.

live and love life, Merry Ms Berry