A lifetime later.

 I can’t believe it’s been over three and half years since my last blogger post. So, since 2017 so much has happened, and I don't even know where to start. I will defiently not try and fill in you guys about all that's happened. That would be a super boring read...or at least long winded. I'll start off with what happened in my last post. 

Shortly after finding that an ex-best friend that written about me 5 years prior, I actually reached out to her to thank you for acknowledging my existence. Over the years I bothered me that she bothered me. I come to realized that I still felt hurt pretty badly. And that usually only happens when I really care for someone. I'm one of those people that loves their friends and family, if allowed, wholeheartedly and with everything I am. I can't help it. I fall in love with people. I find people and their worlds fascinating, and if I can be part of those worlds I do. 

In 2018 I had my 2nd child. It was an experience very different from the first, but I will go into that another time and what I learned from that experience. During the time shortly after he was born is when I reached out to my ex-bf to thank her for the acknowledgement of me in her life. From there, it opened something I was not prepared for....her. She wanted to rekindle our relationship. I was scared. I didn't know how to approach this. I've mended relationships before but not of this caliber. So I tiptoed slowly into getting to know her again. A new her and a new me. Both 10 years old. Both married. Both with 2 boys and lifetimes of experiences between us. Day by day we shared a little bit more. I started digging more and she offered up information I was too scared to ask about what actually happened around the time we fell apart. From what I knew for myself, to what I was told by a shady ass bitch named Jen, to the actual truth that was shared with me, I was able to find a peace within myself, forgiving her and along with forgiving myself. There was so much damage being healed and I was excited to have my friend back. 

Here's why I am writing this. I can blow up a bridge, metaphorically speaking, like it was my job. Not only like it was my job but I owned the damn company. I'm a strong advocate of boundaries by any means necessary. But I am, also, someone who isn't so jaded that I'm unreasonable. People fuck up. People change. People grow. Not everyone but enough that this world hasn't imploded on us yet. I guess my point in starting this part one of many posts to come is, don't lose faith in people. Hold out some hope. Let love conquer all. 

These are weird times. But again, that's for another day. I will be back. I miss writing here. I love you

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Faith's kick in the head

I am human. I fall. I falter. I rage. I cry. I get up and do it all over again.

It's been a weird couple of months. I must remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Repeat. I.am.exactly.where.I.am.supposed to be.

With that being in mind, it truly has been weird and I need to take in account the red flags that are currently presented to me. The hard working, defeated by nothing side of me says keep going, turn a blind eye, it's nothing you can't work through. The other side of me, the softer, injured, little bit more aware side of me says "GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE YOU DUMBASS!"

Let's proceed. I work 2 days a week for one of my closest guy friends for a creative agency he runs and owns. I love it! The work is admin work but I don't care because he's a blast to be around, he has great taste in tea, he includes me into his shenanagins and he let's me bring my dog to the studio. Yay best boss ever! Currently it's just making my bills, so my stress level is low.

Now here comes the part that needs....let's say "adjusting". On Fridays I babysit for one of the cutest babies ever. Love him! Love spending time with him. Since I am enjoying it so much I've decided to keep the good fight up to work with children as a nanny. A gentleman who is freshly out of a divorce contacted me to see if I might be interested in watching his boys after school. Now I wasn't really looking for after school stuff only because it's not a lot of hours and the age group is not really my "wheelhouse" ...per say.

The man was nice. His kids are nice. They are boys and they are exactly what normal boys their age are like. So.....why not? I felt bad for the guy. (problem #1) I shouldn't feel bad and put myself in a position I might not love.

Day 1 at new "job". I wake up to "dad" texting me that he might have locked me out of the house without knowing. No biggie. I don't mind having the boys at my house. I get to the house early to make sure that wasn't the case, all is good. I walk down to the school to get the boys and I am approached by a man looking for a "babysitter". Unwittingly I give him my number, tell him how much I charge and I will have to talk to him later. On the walk home this guy calls me. I told him that I need to focus on the boys and I need to talk to him after 6 pm. He says "okay" then tells me he'll just text me. Over the next hour he texts me 4 times with stupid shit. (problem #2) He then proceeds to call me "cutie" and asks if nannies do "overnights". UMM....WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE SMOKING? As professionally as I can after having a freak out moment with my husband, I tell  him that I "regretfully decline any and all babysitting positions". Luckily I haven't heard from him since, I was about to go a little cray cray wanna verbally stab stab. But I didn't have to. Yay.

We get back to the house and I take the boys to the park to be boys. Run, jump, climb, wrestle, break sticks against things......ya know boy stuff. Since they live right across the street from a park, the walk back was all of 2 seconds. I notice a car in the driveway and realized that it must be the ex-wife. A little earlier than I thought she would be there. (problem #3). The woman is just lovely, she really is. It was nice to meet her and chat for a moment. She let some "divorce" talk slip in during idol chit chat but hey, who am I to stop a lady on a rant? I leave early (problem #4) and go home.

I go home and decide to spend the whole next day cooking. I wake to "dad" texting me that he put the right key back and assures me that I won't be locked out. I ask if he's talking about the 12th of November and say no "today". Whaaaat? To my confusion I thought I worked for him 2 afternoons, come to find out its 3. Fun. Shaking the funk out of my sandy eyes I collect myself and start on my day as planned. I drive to pick up the boys from school because of the chance of rain. I see "dude" and run past him to the boys. Heebeejeebees!!! We drive back and as I pull into the driveway there are 2 cars in the drive. I am notified from my charges that it's mom and grandma. Huh?

I text the dad to let him know the situation. I talked the ex-wife and told her I would keep the boys busy while she packed up her stuff. She closes on a townhouse in 3 weeks. I guess it's crunch time. A couple hours in, many foam darts fired and the world saved from Russian vampires and I decide to leave. Everyone is having dinner together and I want to go home.

Can I look past any of these situations? Sure can. But do I want to? I took a job for extra money that's actually disrupting of commitments that I have, for a family that doesn't know how to communicate. They are nice people but something inside is telling me to move on. This is not for me. My darling hubby says stick with it, but I really don't want to. I have put myself in situations for the sake of money or other people too many times. This is not fun for me.

So here I am. 11:30pm on a Wednesday night and I'm writing to you. Halloween is tomorrow. It's raining outside and I love the sound. I've made up my mind. On Friday I will collect my pay...all $59...woo hoo...what a pain....and I will be moving on. Too bad too. The boys were hilarious.

Faithfully yours, Merry Ms Berry

Being aware & there

This segment is for one of my bff's Mark. He had been out of the dating game for some time and then kind of out of nowhere starting seeing a young woman 10 years his junior. Unfortunately it was a 2 month romance that was riddled with female insecurities and unstable emotions. Ya, it ended. :( Like myself, I tend to put what I'm feeling out into the world because I have lovely friends that either want to make me smile or rejoice in victories. He has consistently come to me over our many years of friendship when he gets lost in his own head and needs some clarification. He came to confused about how and why said relationship ended. Being the friend that I am to I had to tell him that "I kinda saw it coming", even though I had only met the girl once. The few times in which he had talked to me about her I felt this girl keeping her walls up and not fully letting Mark in.

Whether it was because I was once in that girl's scared emotional shoes with a fear of commitment because of a past crazy relationship or because I felt something more that I can't really explain, it's all about being aware. Now I didn't expect Mark to see it coming. Matters of the heart usually don't, hence why it's mentioned to be blind at times.

Have you ever "just known" that something was going to happen or knew the outcome of something? That's being aware. That's opening all your senses to seeing the world as a whole and all the little lives interacting with one another. When you have taken the time to reflect on your life and descions, whether good or bad, you are able to see how life pans itself out. You can see how a decision you made 10 years ago it helping change your life now. Also, you are able to take this new form of vision and see how other people are going to be changing their lives. Move or don't move. Jump or don't jump. No regrets! Let's see an example.

If I would have stayed at the first college I went to and forced myself to get a traditional degree I might have not worked at the nightclub by my house, where I ended up working for the corporate office, where I met this psycho that I dated who chased a handful of friends away forcing me to go online to find old friends from school which made me run into my old crush who I married 6 months later. Or I could have gotten married the first time I got engaged and ended up somewhere completely different missing the chance to be with who I think is my soul mate. I had to go through all these crazy, twisty turvy situations which were stressful, painful and confusing to come out the other side more aware and appreciative that I did.

Oo oo! I got another one! I became friends with a girl when I was 18, altering her path in life, leading her to move to Florida to get married, get divorced and I helped move her back. Within a few months of her being back I introduced her to a ton of people, who she all scorned, but hooked up with my ex-boyfriend who she ended up dating and then marrying. Any time within that 10 years, if I was not present, her life would be completely different. Even though she ended up being a 2 faced, back stabbing, whore of a human being, I'm grateful I was able to be the SOLE reason why their relationship formed. It's kinda like a little piece of revenge she has to wake up next to for the rest of her life. Score one for me!

Anyhoo! Take time to reflect on your life from a 3rd party perspective, emotions removed. You will then able to see how life forms, falls apart and rebuilds. It's totally fancisnating and I love every second of it.

"Visionary"ingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Don't throw your mirror at me.

Insecurities are a tricky little fungus that's hard to recognize how and where it came from. I've been asked to elaborate on why people might do what they do.

I have found in my own personal life and observing the lives of others that usually when one party insistently accuses the other party of anything whether it's "being too nice", flirting, cheating or whatever people do, it's usually because the accusing party is actually doing the same. It's a classic situation of projection.
These people that project these kinds of feelings onto those that they say they love is because they think "well if I'm doing it then they must be doing it, too." Because if they aren't then how does that make me look as a person. They use the "eye for an eye" theory. They also believe that everyone does it, too.

Now I do understand there are some people that hold onto the past and anything that has happened they only assume it'll happen again. I've never cheated but have been cheated on. It's not fair to treat those you care for negatively because someone completely different hurt you. Everyone deserves to be treated individually.

Ok, back to insecure ramblings. Let's look at some fun examples!

I dated this guy Senor Douche Bag. No one is allowed to know or even say his name because that would make him human and he is not. Because people have souls and he doesn't. SDB (for short) was constantly telling me how I freak him out, how he doesn't trust other guys around me and how uncomfortable I seemed to make him at times. In the beginning I wouldn't stand for this kind of talk and told him that I didn't deserve to be accused of anything. I had no problem ending the relationship but he always seemed to weasel his way back. At the end of the relationship, to hurt me as bad as he possibly could, he told me he had been cheating on me almost the entire time. Also, not only that but he laso said that all the other guys I had dated had cheated on me, too. The way that he talked to me was like he knew the other guys I had dated. Yes, some of them did cheat on me, but I also know that there are guys that I dated that didn't. Matter of fact, they just weren't the cheating type. The relationships just weren't meant to be and had to be dissolved. SDB had felt to horrible about himself without even realizing it that I was a threat to him. He was jealous of my mental stability and the love that I had for myself that he was going to do anything in his power to break me. And sadly to see he almost did.

When people start spewing nonsense at you and you have no idea where it's coming from...it's coming from the reflection of their own mirror. It's what they see in themselves and in their heart, so what's on their heart is going to go into their thoughts, therefore shooting out of their mouth. They don't realize it's not real people they are a delusional bunch. Know thyself and that's it. We, all, are going to com across insecure people with either scared hearts and skeletons in their closest. Matter of fact, we ALL have a past. We all make mistakes that we HAVE to learn from. That's the best part, we can learn, live and be better. Don't hold onto the past it'll never change. Assume the best in people and more times than not you'll get it. Figure out why you feel the way you do, whether you're the accuser or the you're the accusee. Life is way too short not to be able to just let go and breathe.

Openly yours, Merry Ms Berry