To be or Not "meant" to be.....

This is the ultimate question. Ever start seeing someone or actually get into a relationship but things keep getting in the way of simple bliss? Whether it's "baby mama drama", long distance, lack of communication, insecurities, jobs, school...it could be anything. Whether how big or small the situation or issue, it always seems to get in the way. The issues ends up being bigger or more important than the relationship. You hear things like "when this is over then....." or "just wait until I can do......" and it will be all better. Well, I'm here to tell you, don't hold your breath.

This is what I know about myself and the men that I've dated. No amount of time, distance or issues would keep us apart. I've had long distance relationships from 150 to 400 miles apart. Meaning I had no less than a 2.5 hour drive to see the person I cared for. Where it was city to suburbs, rebound to past hiccups, if you want to be together you will find a way.

If you find that the littlest of things are getting in the way from moving forward those are what I like to call....SIGNS! Signs that some things are just not meant to be. Just because you love someone, doesn't always mean you are meant to be together. If a relationship ends, more times than not it's meant to end for a reason. How about some examples?

Back in high school I had the biggest crush on this one guy that I thought was totally out of my league. We both began to notice each other because we had lunch together and didn't live too far from each other. We would run into each other at stores and he dated someone I had class with. Over the next couple of years things just didn't quite match up. Even though we were both very attracted to each other, things always just got in the way. I went off to school, he had a girlfriend when I was single. Then he would be single and I would have a boyfriend. I should have taken the hint but love is blind.

It took him flying across the country when we were both single for us to even have a chance to some how figure out to be together. A few months into openly discussing "us" we decided that we were going to make a go for it. After a few months of being in Maryland, he up and moved half way back towards Chicago. Ohio is closer that Maryland. Over the next 2 years we had the best of times and the worst of times. There were moments of pure bliss and there were, also, moments that we wanted to kill each other. It was too much to handle, I had to end it for the sake of my sanity. Even after he moved back to Chicago  we still could never get on the same page to see if we wanted to make a run at "us" again. After so many years of fighting, loving and figuring each other out, we just agreed that we make better friends than anything.

Even though we loved each other and saw the best and the worst from one another, some people are just not meant to end up together. There were bigger forces in the world that were trying to keep us apart, but we were both stubborn mules about it.  We both learned so much from each other as a couple and a lot as just friends. We had the opportunity to see each other through multiple sets of eyes.

Each random, failed or messy relationship is there for a reason. It's there to learn and grow from. Just because it ended didn't mean there was no purpose for it.  So just because it wasn't meant to be forever, doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be in life.

Take the time to reflect and see what you liked, didn't liked and learned from one another. This information will greatly help you not to repeat the situation in the future.

Purposely yours, Merry Ms Berry

How to be a good friend

It's with a heavy heart that I actually have to write this blog. As I was thinking about it this morning on my commute into the beautiful city of Big Shoulders, I realized that a good friendship is the base of every good relationship, either platonic or romantic. I love being a great friend to others when given the chances. It's sad that some people just don't get some of this.

How is it that there are some people that we connect with right away and then there are other people who you just want to slap when you first meet them? This one blog has the potential in itself to become a book because there can be so many facets to friendship. I am going to try  my hardest to keep this as simple as possible. And to do that I am going to make a to-do list.

1) Be yourself! - If someone doesn't want to be friends with the real  you, then it's not meant to be.

2) Be honest - Where you live in a cave or have traveled around the world, people want to know who the real you is. There's no need to add any fluff.

3) Be open - Do not judge people. We have all made mistakes and those mistakes are in the past. We cannot change the past, we can only learn from them.

4) Ask - Ask questions about that person. Each person is a world in itself. If you don't ask how will you know. And if you don't ask it's going to come off that you only care about yourself.

5) Listen - After said questions, take a real interest in what that person has to say, and just listen. Don't think about what you want to say next,  you might miss something.

6) Prepare - before bestowing "your opinion" on your friend, ask them if they would like to know first. Some people don't want to hear other people's opinions.

7) Be available - we all live busy lives, but we make time for those we care about. Anyone one of my friends know that if they need me, whether it's to bail out of jail or just listen to them vent for a few minutes, I will find the time to do so.

8) Be fair - there are times where we all get out of line. We get emotional, irrational and tend to forget those around us. If you call out a friend or they call you out at this situation, they are telling you because they care. Listen to them, work it out.

9) Apologize - we all make mistakes. There is always be miscommunication. Feelings will get hurt. Acknowledge those feelings and apologize, it will make your friendship stronger.

10) Meet them half way -if they go to your house, then go to there's. If they call you, you call them. Both parties should putting an effort towards each other. Having a one sided friendship is not a relationship at all, it's called stalking.

11) Share - everything. Share your pain and let them love on you. Share your successes and let them rejoice with you. Let them make you cookies and give them a hat that you love. It's those little thoughts and actions that make a bond stronger. Show people your battle scars because you never know when someone is in the same battle and they need to know they can get through it.

12) Laugh - laugh together. Laugh at yourself. Let the laughter pour out of you. It is the little observations in life that make us all relate to one another and it's showing us that we are paying attention to the lives around us.

13) Except change - The only constant in this world is change. We are constantly learning about ourselves in this ever changing world. You're not the same person you were a year ago, not of us are. It's exciting to have the chance to keep learning about the world and those is in.

14) Be responsible - whether it's with people's feelings, clothing, pet or money. Take care of your responsibilities. If you borrow money pay it back as soon as possible, even if it's only a little bit at a time, it shows you value your relationship more than the money you borrow. If you borrow a shirt, make sure it stays as nice as you got it. If you damage that shirt, replace it with the same. Do not use something you can not replace in time. Even though it's just stuff, it's the thought behind taking care of their stuff that shows them you care for them.

15) Shine!!!! Be an awesome you! When you let yourself shine you give others around the opportunity to shine as bright. Embrace the differences, love the quirks, fill those around you with a life they might be starving for.

Your friends turn to you to love and uplift them, keep the grounded and hold you accountable to yourself. At least that's what I want from my friends and I hope I can be that for them. 

Loving you! Merry Ms Berry

Insecurities...you're not just hurting yourself

Whether you're the one freaking out on your loved one or the one being freaked out on, insecurities from either end help NOTHING!!!! At one time, being a psych-major you learn more about your ticks and the ticks of those closest around you (not bug but quirks). You get to psychoanalyze your friends and family, and they really don't get a choice, especially when you have a term paper to write.

A classic example of insecurity issues are having feelings projected out. Feelings and fears are thrown upon others, away from the true owner, onto those around them. Example: a man-whore calling me a slut, even though I never fooled around outside of MY relationships. There are so many examples that I am not going to bother you with them. If you find yourself making someone feel bad because you feel bad about yourself, that's exactly the problem. Bottom line, get out of your own head!!!! Yes, we all have "feelings" about situations, but more times that not, we make up stories in our own heads to justify how we are actually feeling about ourselves.

How do I know this? Because I have been with some of the most insecure weenies ever! Also, I am such an open book and so honest about who I am, faults and all, that people have a tendency to try to make me feel bad about it. People think that just because I am the way I am, that I expect them to be the same. I could care less. If you want to plot, hide and justify whatever you are hiding behind in  your own head, those are your issues and you are welcome to keep them to yourself. If you want to be open and free and NOT get judged for being the real you, then I DO care and want you to feel that you can be that way, especially around me. Embrace the weirdness that is yourself.

If you are not lying, cheating, plotting or conniving, them no one should have you feel bad about being you. If they are, it's because they feel about about themselves and want someone on their level to make themselves feel better. Stop, think and react (if appropriate).

Here's the thing. Whether you spazz out or not, if someone is going to cheat or leave, they will do so. It doesn't matter if you phone stalk them, put them down, lift them or spoil them with love. Some people are just not meant to be together. If a relationships is meant to be, it will be. If you find yourself having to plot against someone then you need to take a step back and move on. Things that are meant to be are work, but it will flow easily. I hope this makes sense. If not, please let me know and I'll give you examples. 

Love Merry Ms Berry

When to Let Go!

Being a proud stubborn, slightly eccentric Pollack, I don't like to admit defeat and used to be a very poor loser. Over time I have realized that you have to lose at some games and parts of life to learn and appreciate the lessons that God wants us to learn. Now I am about to be a gracious loser but I still do the happy dance when I win.

With that said, we are not meant to date everyone. When relationships end, it doesn't mean that they are a failure, it just means there is something or someone better is meant to be in your life in the future (whether tomorrow, the next day, the next year or whatnot). But the longer you have to cling, claw and convince someone to stay in your life, or be that person being convinced, the longer you prolong true (meant to be) happiness. 

If you are fighting over trivial, small things....it might be time to reconsider your relationship.  If you both cannot be nice to one another, there are bigger problems underlining the smaller issues. 

If you are asked or are asking for "one more chance" and you've receieved at least 3 of them. Your "one" more chance is over. If you or they didn't learn the first or even the second time, its time to move on. 

You are changing yourself or expecting the other person to change who they are, how they act or what they believe. If you or they are not meeting certain standards then it means you don't have the same morals or values and it's time to move on. 

When you avoid or "conveniently forgot" devices of communication. If you find yourself wanting to escape from even talking with the one you are in a relationship with it's time to escape the whole relationship. 

You feel bad or poor about yourself. We are in relationships to feel loved, inspired, uplifted and vulnerable. If you are making someone feel about themselves or being made to feel bad, then you are not soul mates, move on. 

These are just a few examples of when and why to let go. It is perfectly normal and okay to end a relationship. Just like taking in oxygen we have to let go of carbon dioxide, toxic to us but beneficial to plants. You heart & body physically will let you know when you are in a good or bad relationship. Example, I would get physically sick because of a bad relationship. My ulcer would flare up, I would lose weight and just look like death. I couldn't even tell you a good reason why I let this douche bag stay in my life. I wanted him gone so badly and yet he would not leave. He's pure evil. BUT because of me standing my ground and ridding that evil from my life no matter what, I was blessed with meeting my husband. Out with the bad and in with the fabulous!!!! When you close one chapter another one automatically beginnings. It's as simple as turning the next page. 

I love you and want you to be happy. I have so much to share with you, please ask me anything. I've gone through a ton and learned from all it. Learn from me learning. 

<3 MerryMsBerry