There's no reason for me

not to be writing every evening. At this moment instead of focusing my emotion efforts on those I care about, my readers and other emotionally crazy fabulouses', I'm sorting through my Epic because with its current update all my songs got messed up. Now tell me, what would be more productive with my time? Sorting music, which I can do on the train to and from my gerbil cage made of brick, or writing down my life in bold type to eventually share with the world and possibly help those that are looking for it? Ok...ok...okay! I got it. So here I am typing away, getting mentally prepared to re-spill my guts out on digital paper. Here's the thing about it. I like to write when I am alone by myself, just me and my thoughts. Right now is as good as any. My hubby is passed out on the floor, I have laundry doing its thing, and I just finished a glass of tea....NO I am 70 years old. But damn it certainly sounds like it doesn't it. I'm not going to be much more "alone" than this.

Why this is just restarting now you ask? Over the summer, me and my mighty pen took to the summer sunshine and began to rip my mind apart via notebook. The first chapter that seemed fitting to start with was one of the biggest, my dad. I want to write a series of books on how all the relationships in my life helped carve out the person I chose to be and ended up (presently). I wrote in the present tense. Now if you are an avid reader of mine, you will notice that I kinda jump all over the place, not sticking to one tense or another. I write how I talk, it's my thang. Its how I resonate and choose to read authors that do the same. Being the ever dying perfectionist, I chose present tense so my readers are in my shoes, seeing what I see and feeling what I feel......holy shit was that hard! I've never written in that tense outside of poetry. come to think of it, my poetry is pretty heart wrenching also. Anyhoo, so as I am writing and spilling and thinking and filling these pages in some kind of serial killers handwriting I am reliving all the crazy, painful and strange experiences of having MY dad be my dad. Then out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks. I am and was barely in control of who I am. I thought I was. I thought I had been making a full conscious effort to mold myself to the person that I've always wanted to be. But to my dismay that is only partly true. The figurative walls of my soul started crumbling down all around me. The parts of my personality from being able to never sit still, to my constant need for knowledge, attention and affection all stem from the relationship or lack of it with my alcoholic father. Now there are major parts of myself I've been in control of, such as my compassionate awareness and love for others that I have chosen to live. But the other parts like having to be good at everything, failing as little as possible, and my fear of confrontation with those I love.....ALL DADDY ISSUES! I was a mess. I had been hiding inside of myself for the sake of my marriage, being the good wife. But it wasn't a "good" thing at all because I wasn't being me. Yuck! Because I rock! And my hubby needs to see that!

I, also, saw how that pattern started showing up in all my other relationships. Now I guess its not that bad considering I married a wonderful man, even though he has few but similiar traits of many other Aquarians in my life. Not "all" bad. At least I can acknowledge those traits and know when to dodge the incoming spray of unbridled, sometimes delusional, emotion. YA, I said it! Oh, my dad was King Aquarius!

So with that all being said, I had A LOT of emotional clean up to do. It was also a time where I totally lost myself once again. I am constantly changing back and forth, never really knowing my purpose or my identity and that's a scary thing for a control freak like myself. Before I could come back to writing and spilling my life, heart, blood and tears on paper, I had to make sure that all the cracks that I have in my heart are acknowledged and on the mend. Yes, I was scared to write. This is what happens when you decide to become totally and completely transparent for the sake of others. They see your scars and to my surprise some of my scars were open confused wounds aching for a healing touch of acknowledgement.

So there it is. Even though you will not being seeing all that I write for my series of books, whaaaaa I know. I will keep you updated on my progress, breakthroughs, and epiphanies. This is going to be a hard journey for me because it's still ongoing.

Enlighteningly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Fresh and hot, but sometimes cold.

Wounds are fresh and hot but they are served up with a side of cold. This is about relationships starting and ending. It happens all-the-time! Let me set the scene for you.

My precious Feesh just successfully (about 70%)  pulled emotionally away from an extremely toxic relationship. Within just a couple short months another suitor gained her attention. Instead of taking the time to really let those open, constantly picked at wounds to heal, my precious Feesh romantically started to fall again for her friend. I am all about mushy love stories and was hoping for the best. More time than not, that's not the case. I myself have been in more than enough relationships to feel the burn of rejection. Alas, it wasn't meant to be for my Feesh. Instead of brushing off her shoulders, she deems the world as mad and that love isn't real. How can that be when I love her so much? Hmm.....?

Here's a few lessons we can all learn from Feesh and hopefully she's going to read them and learn for herself.

Be open and honest with what you are feeling no matter who you are feeling them about. If it ends, it's still going to hurt, no less if your cards were on the table. At least you can say you led with an open heart and let things happen the way they should. Guys are scared too! They don't get hints and setting up scenarios always sets them up for disaster. Talk to them, if they don't feel the same at least there are no games, no hints, no confusion on trying to torture yourself with trying to figure it out. AND the sooner the better, that way you're not wasting time on the wrong person.

Take time for yourself to heal. When a relationship ends (over & over & over) we lose a little piece of ourselves. Its those pieces that we've given to that other person that is no longer in our lives. Here's the thing about those holes in us, they need to fill up by themselves. If you try to fill them with other people, you're really just putting a band-aid on the open wound. You only really re-injuring the hurt, not letting it heal. Only you and time will let those things heal. See, now that this dude has pulled away from my Feesh, those unhealed wounds are back open ozzing yucking, foul, drippy, negativity of pessimistic hatred for love. (That's a lot of adjectives, better appreciate them).

Love thyself first and other love will follow. If you don't love you, then how can you expect anyone else to love you? Bitch get your swagger on!

Everyone we meet and spend time with in our lives are there to show us something. Something about ourselves and/or something about the world. As for SP(dude) & Feesh, I know exactly why they had their time together, and it wasn't about jumping into another relationship or killing off the idea of love. It was about feeling things that she thought were dead inside. Figuring out what you really want. Caring for a friend more than just a friend and realizing a friend could be a lover too. It's about knowing that you can fall again. That time together brought so much life out of her that seemed to have been beaten out of her. She was able to let go and love herself. She has gotten her swagger back. Now, she just needs to take what she learned from this and move forward, happily. It's like falling down and blaming your shoes. You willingly put on the shoes and you could have not been looking where you were going. I'm sure somewhere down the line all she wanted was to feel that way again. Well, her prayers got answered. How do I know this? Because I've made the same mistake about not asking for exactly what I wanted. All I wanted was to fall in love and that's exactly what happened and then it all fell apart. And then when I was NOT specific about anything, this douche bag somehow made it into my life and continued to mess things up.

You have to stay on top of your thoughts. Invite in good and you will get good. But just like weeds when you're not looking, crap finds its way in. Know thyself and what you deserve and want. You will get it.

Randomly rambling, Merry Ms (<3ing Feesh) Berry