Dearest Pike, Love 26 year old Mom

Dear Pike,

I am your mom at the age of 26. I have not started dating your father yet. At this point I had only talked to him for about 10 minutes back when we were in college together in the late 90's. Yes 1990's. No need to gasp, shit happens.

At 26 years old I thought I had a lot of things figured out. In my defense I had lived a lot for someone my age. I had already lost my father, your grandfather. I am currently working for one of the largest entertainment companies that runs 25 nightclubs and restaurants in the Chicagoland area. I am the Operations Administrator and had worked my way up from receptionist. Actually they didn't want to fill the position, I was next in line. I fucking rocked it! Outside of my inner office workings of legal documents, insurance, workman's compensation files, running the office and helping other managers with whatever they needed for their store, I also had many projects on the side. Not only was I a bartender at night, I was trying to get a online retail store off the ground, build teams, get clients, maintain my name with a promotional company I helped start and maintain a social life in the midst of all of it. And look good doing it all.

I was already engaged once before at a very young age, had my heart broken 3 times and went on numerous dates. Some great. Some utterly horrible. I have this beautiful white Husky named Zoey. I've already moved out twice and back in with your Gamma Diane. She always welcomes me home. Long story short, at 26 I was an ass kicking machine trying to build a life what would not only myself, but my present family and future family, who ever they may might be.

At 26, these are the things that I do not know yet and will ultimately break me down, make me cry, scream and come to terms with in my 30's.

1. Figuring out what having real faith means will save your life from the brink of disaster. When you throw your hands up in the air and just know that way ever happens, God will protect you, whether here in the physical world or in Heaven.

2. Your parents are people. They have struggled hard to be as amazing as they can be. They will make mistakes along with way. Let them. Have fun with them. We are all humans and make mistakes no matter how old we are.

3. If you're not doing what God wants you to, He will not let you succeed. I wanted to be the big bad ass business owner, connection making, hot to trot machine in black eyeliner and 4 inches heels. God had other plans for me. None of which had owning and running some super big company. But I still rock out black eyeliner and 4 inch heels.

4. Your emotions are your inner guidance system to your life. Yes, there are going to be times where you are going to have to meet where the rubber meets the road. You are going to have to push yourself harder than you've ever pushed before. Blood, sweat and tears will be expected for parts of your life that you love and respect. But, there will come a time where something doesn't feel right. Parts of life aren't going to be fun or bring you joy, and at those moments, you need to turn around and walk away.

5. People will be put in your life to learn from. Whether you're going to learn about what a great love is and how far you would go for that. Or you're going to learn how horrible people can be what you don't want in your life, and who not to give yourself to. Not a couple but many.

6. You're going to learn to have to let people go. We will have friends for a lifetime. We are going to have friends for a moment. NEVER cling onto a person that doesn't want the best for you and you don't want the best for them. Only surround yourself with people who bring value to you life, either emotional, mentally, or spiritually. Be the person that everyone can turn to but be with people that you can turn to also. No matter how long or short, sometimes it's best to let people stay or go. You'll know what the time is right.

7. You are going to experience life first hand in way I won't. But it's always nice to be armed with information and knowledge from loved ones that have walked a similar path. Your family loves you unconditionally and wants nothing but the best for you. Listen to their stories. And then live your life.

8. Make mistakes. Fail!!! Fail time and time again. Keep trying new things. Excel at a bunch. Suck at the rest. Who cares? Never fear failure. It's in those times of failure is where you will learn the most about not only yourself but your world around you.

9. Enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Ice cream. A soft blanket. A good night's sleep. Sleeping to the sound of a thunderstorm. A nap. Your favorite sweatshirt. Your favorite song. A walk in the rain. These are just a few things let will help keep you from losing your mind. There will be a time where your world will come down around and you'll have no where to go. Be still. Recoup. Enjoy the silence. Be one with yourself and all your answers will come to you.

10. What makes you happy now will most likely not make you happy later. As we age and grow as people, our likes and dislikes change along with us. I've always had a flair for art. But then I stopped. It was once my outlet for pain and then I didn't need it. And then it became my outlet for joy and it was completely different. And I will become mildly successful as an artist.

11. Love honestly. Speak from the heart. That scary, raw truth that people run from. The truth is the only thing we have. Even if it hurts you or might hurt someone else, the truth is what help make life real. Each relationship you have will be different and go into knowing that. Don't pre-judge what you don't know. Everyone is different. Learn from the last and use that to love the next different.

12. Own. your. Shit! You are going to make mistakes. Take ownership of them. Take responsibility for them. Apologize. It'll make your life so much easier.

13. As Gamma Diane says "when your home is in order, your life will be in order." I say "I like being proactively lazy." Get the annoying stupid shit done first and out of the way. That way you don't have to worry about it later and can relax as much as you want, or have as much fun as you want without caring if you have clean clothes or if dirty dishes are growing mold in the sink. Take pride in everything you have, from your car to your socks.

14. Appreciate nice thing but don't consume yourself with stuff. You can only handle one item at a time. No need to have 10 of something, except t-shirts, who doesn't love an awesome t-shirt collection. Okay, and socks. You need socks and undies. It's about quality no quantity. That goes with people too.

15. You have NO control over anyone. Not a dog, not your parents, not your friends, not your lovers, not anyone. Let them be them. You just worry about being you. People are going to let you down whether you have puppet them or not. So don't even try. Trust me I've walked that path early in life, it sucks.

16. You are not perfect. Don't act like it. I don't want you to ever think you need to be. You will never be. Trying to be perfect FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

17. Always been on time. Respect not only your time but other people's too. If you say you're going to be somewhere make sure you give yourself enough time and even an extra 10 minutes for shit to happen. Better to arrive a little early then be late.

18. Read. There are so many amazing books out there. Keep learning.

19. Make everything as much fun as possible. Your gamma once woke me up, after a long night of drinking, in the early morning to shovel wet heavy snow from the driveway. I didn't bitch or complain. I opened the trunk of my car and cranked some Christmas music. If I was going to do something that sucked I was going to enjoy some fun music doing so.

20. Appreciate everything in your life. And I mean everything. When you put that into perspective, nothing will be able to bring you down.

21. Travel. Don't put yourself into debt to do so. But if you have a choice between a fancy watch or the chance to go see a different country, go and see the world.

22. Protect your drivers license and your credit score. Only go to college if you need to succeed in something you love like being a lawyer or a psychiatrist. Debt is not something you want to drown in.

23. Take pride in your work. Whether your cutting hogs, cleaning horse stalls or making sandwiches, do it with pride and it will always show. And you will always be respected for it.

24. Protect the weak. I have a feeling that you are going to be a leader and a warrior. You're already so smart and crazy. Protect those who are weaker than you. There are many bullies in the world and we need to stand against them. Love on those you can. Kill them with kindness as much as possible but make sure the little guy gets his day in the sun too.

25. Don't let anyone change you. Don't let anyone try to make you a lemming. Don't let them put you in a box and tell you you're not good enough. You are the most perfect you ever and the world need to see you shine or others can shine with you.

26. Laugh as much as possible.

27. Cry. Get it out. The strongest of men cry. Men who allow themselves to feel and process cry, laugh, hug, cuddle, fight and stare. Allow yourself to feel everything.

28. Figure out how to be happy. Start young and continue to learn what you like and what makes you smile.

29. Stay young at heart and life will be so much more fun. Being a boring adult that takes everything serious is stupid!!!!

30. Dance. Dance great. Dance bad. Just dance. 99% of people don't know how to dance so don't worry about what you look like. Get out there and just dance. It feels amazing!

Know that we are all fucked up in some way in a fucked up world. God makes all kinds of kinds. (That's a country song). Get ready to get your hands dirty and take on the world running just like your mom and dad have. We wear our scars like badges of honor. Ask about them and we will tell you what you need to know. I am an open book and not afraid of people judging me because I really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, except from those that I love who never judge me too badly anyway.

I love you forever, now and from beyond. I will always be with you.

Love, Mommy Ms Berry

Holy 2015 Chapters

I say "chapters", plural, because so much has changed in ONE year. At times it seemed like an eternity ago and at others it was just a blink of an eye. But here I am, a person that in this time on Monday I will be someone's mom.

I am 41 weeks pregnant and my little guy is getting served his eviction notice on Monday. Sometimes I think knowing the exact moment your life is going to change is more nerve racking then when it just happens with no preconceived notion of it.

In January, 2015 I have traveled to Puerto Rico, took 3 planes from 4 different airports to get there in the dead of winter when it was 3 degrees outside. A great way to start to rebuilding my marriage that hung by the threads of mistrust, pain and heart break. I recommend traveling to Puerto Rico in the middle of winter. The sands, sun and water were the perfect blanket of warmth to mend frozen hearts, amongst the alcohol fueled adventures and the passion filled rooms.

In February I became pregnant with our first child. My pregnancy itself was pretty great. I didn't go all bipolar, psycho, cry at every moment. On the contrary I found most things very humorous. Except the changes to my body. If you know any of the real me, you know that I'm vain, self conscious and slightly insecure about how I look and I prefer to be cute and fit. Well, add months of cheese fries and milkshakes and all that fit and hotness goes right out the window. So be it.

In June I had to put my best friend of 14, my fur baby, the one creature that loved me unconditionally, to sleep. I still cry at least once a week. I miss my Zoey beyond words. I am not going to go into details on why she had to go, but it was time. It came on hard and fast, and she was not going to suffer out of my own selfishness of wanting her around. Everyone she met loved her. For a dog, she had the biggest and silliest personality.

In August I sold my purple "brat mobile" Monte Carlo. 10 years and almost 200k miles, she was a ticking time bomb of car repairs and it was, also, her time to go. In her place we bought a 4 door, sparkly white, turbocharged mom-mobile. Her name is Snowflake. Though her personality is not as big as the "brat mobile's" she is a good, fast car and we look forward to making hundreds, if not thousands of memories in her.

In September I traveled to the desert to paint watercolor paintings in old silver mining towns.

From the most epic of baby showers to painting the whole house, my life has been a constant change. I am blessed in so many ways and yet overwhelmed with all that is about to continue to happen. The things that meant so much to me that began new chapters in my life, Zoey, the brat mobile, are gone but opened new chapters. I'm sad because I miss them but probably more so because the new chapters aren't written yet.

On a lighter note, I have been told numerous times that I don't look 10 months pregnant. Yes, 10! It's supposed to be a full 9 months, but in all actually it's 40 weeks which is 10 months.

I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm excited, I am someone new that gets to experience a new life with no fucking clue what to expect. But the baby's room is beautiful so I have that.

I will be back.

Below is a picture of my contractions and little man's movements from a couple weeks ago. Funny how it's reflects the look of a rollercoaster.

Consistently changing, Merry Ms Berry

Sometimes it's okay to wander

Never in my 35 years alive have I not had a plan, a goal, a vision of what or where I thought I wanted my life to go, end up, and become. But here I am in place where, if 10 years ago you would have told me I'd be, I'd laugh in your face and probably be spilling my martini on your shoes in the process. Even now I have no concrete plan or ideas on what I want to do with my life.

I am currently baking a little man in the oven. I have a couple more months until he arrives and then the next chapter of my life begins as another whole new person. I've only been a "mom" to a dog, who I miss uncontrollably, but never to a little human. I've been a friend, enemy, business partner, employee, lover, fighter and probably a million other things that my "baby brain" won't let me remember, but never a 24/7, rest of my life figure head over something my body created with someone else. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it, even though billions of people have already done the same.

Who do I want to be? Where am I going? What is going to become of a life I thought I had control over? So many questions and yet I have no answers. I want to be a great mom and teach my child to be the best he can be. Through trials, failures, successes and plain ol' fun, I want to help him mold himself into whoever he feels he wants to be. Isn't that what a "parent" is supposed to do? That's what my mom did for me. She wanted me to succeed but knew I had to fail to get there.

So....now what? What can I do with myself to show my son how to be awesome? What do I work towards or become to show him that life is supposed to fun, hard, messy, painful and totally worth all of it?

I had to throw my hands in the air and let the all mighty ruler of the universe lead me to this point, maybe I should continue to do so because I have no idea what else to do. Write? Paint? Draw? Speak? I always thought I had to control every moment and make things happen, but in the end it didn't work for me like that. So here's to NOT having a plan. NOT kicking ass & taking names. NOT knowing what to do. And NOT caring otherwise. Here's to loving the moment in a life, with amazing people and just letting the rest of it go.

Curiously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Commuting through Life

I have found myself getting more and more annoyed everyday with Chicago commuters. Now I know that most of them don't mean to be annoying because let's face it, most people really just think about themselves, oblivious to others around them. Not all, but too many.

Watching people go in and out, to and fro the Metra train, sidewalks, and buildings got me thinking about how people really live their lives.

How you handle your life is a lot like how you handle Chicago commuting.

I am one of those people that do not like to wait in the herds of masses. I do not use them as an excuse for any kind of tardiness and choose to get around them. I make the extra effort to plan a route, pick up the pace or take an extended route around the herd of people just to get around and ahead of them. While at the same time I do not push, hit or disrespect anyone else's personal space. I take extra precaution that I don't distrub anyone else. I think it's one of the nicer things I do throughout the day.

But then there's "the herd". That large group of people that move like molasses to a destination. People that will not make an extra effort to get started with their life because they use the exuse of everyone else is in there way. Or there are those that take their sweet time in the middle of the street or blocking a busy corner, all the while making people like myself HAVE to use more time and energy to get around them.

So? What kind of life commuter are you?

Are you the one that flies through the city, cutting your own paths to get where you want to go?

Do you feel safer in the middle the herd letting them guide you slowly to where you might or might not want to go?

Are you that person that is oblivious to the world around you, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk during rush hour to tie your shoe or catch up with a friend?

Or even yet! Are you the person on the sidelines asking for change, hoping that someone will have pity for you enough to spare some?

With that being said......GET OUT OF MY WAY, I HAVE THINGS TO DO!

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms. Berry

Being aware & there

This segment is for one of my bff's Mark. He had been out of the dating game for some time and then kind of out of nowhere starting seeing a young woman 10 years his junior. Unfortunately it was a 2 month romance that was riddled with female insecurities and unstable emotions. Ya, it ended. :( Like myself, I tend to put what I'm feeling out into the world because I have lovely friends that either want to make me smile or rejoice in victories. He has consistently come to me over our many years of friendship when he gets lost in his own head and needs some clarification. He came to confused about how and why said relationship ended. Being the friend that I am to I had to tell him that "I kinda saw it coming", even though I had only met the girl once. The few times in which he had talked to me about her I felt this girl keeping her walls up and not fully letting Mark in.

Whether it was because I was once in that girl's scared emotional shoes with a fear of commitment because of a past crazy relationship or because I felt something more that I can't really explain, it's all about being aware. Now I didn't expect Mark to see it coming. Matters of the heart usually don't, hence why it's mentioned to be blind at times.

Have you ever "just known" that something was going to happen or knew the outcome of something? That's being aware. That's opening all your senses to seeing the world as a whole and all the little lives interacting with one another. When you have taken the time to reflect on your life and descions, whether good or bad, you are able to see how life pans itself out. You can see how a decision you made 10 years ago it helping change your life now. Also, you are able to take this new form of vision and see how other people are going to be changing their lives. Move or don't move. Jump or don't jump. No regrets! Let's see an example.

If I would have stayed at the first college I went to and forced myself to get a traditional degree I might have not worked at the nightclub by my house, where I ended up working for the corporate office, where I met this psycho that I dated who chased a handful of friends away forcing me to go online to find old friends from school which made me run into my old crush who I married 6 months later. Or I could have gotten married the first time I got engaged and ended up somewhere completely different missing the chance to be with who I think is my soul mate. I had to go through all these crazy, twisty turvy situations which were stressful, painful and confusing to come out the other side more aware and appreciative that I did.

Oo oo! I got another one! I became friends with a girl when I was 18, altering her path in life, leading her to move to Florida to get married, get divorced and I helped move her back. Within a few months of her being back I introduced her to a ton of people, who she all scorned, but hooked up with my ex-boyfriend who she ended up dating and then marrying. Any time within that 10 years, if I was not present, her life would be completely different. Even though she ended up being a 2 faced, back stabbing, whore of a human being, I'm grateful I was able to be the SOLE reason why their relationship formed. It's kinda like a little piece of revenge she has to wake up next to for the rest of her life. Score one for me!

Anyhoo! Take time to reflect on your life from a 3rd party perspective, emotions removed. You will then able to see how life forms, falls apart and rebuilds. It's totally fancisnating and I love every second of it.

"Visionary"ingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Things that I've learned from Zoey

This is Zoey. She's is my angel complete with white furry wings (ears). I was blessed to get Zoey when I was 21 years old and it's been amazing to have her in my life. She has been my best friend and road trip parent in crime since day one. I drove down to Kentucky in the middle of an ice storm in January to get her. I was ran off the road and watch a car spin out and hit a wall. It was the beginning our adventure as master and doggie. Here are some things that I've learned from my little angel.

1. Tone is extremely important when talking. You can be saying something nice but with the wrong tone it will come off offensively or dominating.
2. Be comfortable anywhere. Whether you're upside in a bed of pillows or just lounging outside in the lawn, it's important to be you. Be comfortable being you, it will make everyone else around you more comfortable.
3. Bite me once, shame on you. Bite my twice, shame on me. Enough said.
4. It's only fur don't let it ruin your day. Little things are going to disrupt your day like white fur on a black pair of pants. It's going to happen, brush it off and keep going.
5. Kiss the tears away. I was in a toxic relationship and cried a lot and Zoey was always there to kiss the tears off my face. She would go above and beyond to get to me to make me feel better. If someone you love is in pain, make sure you go out of your way to make them feel better.
6. Chase squirrels!!! Go after what you want, even if you have failed every time. If you have fun chasing squirrels, keep doing it. If you love sports but suck at them, keep doing them. Who cares? It's all about having fun.
7. Be excited to see the ones you love. Every time I come home she would freak out, jump and kiss me. How can you ever stay in a bad mood when someone shows you they love to see you? Be excited to see your loved ones.
8. Love unconditionally. We all make mistakes. We are all going to get dirty, get sick, say the wrong things, all we can do is forgive those we love and love them unconditionally to let them know everything is going to be okay.
9. Acknowledge the ones you love. We all can't communicate perfectly but if we try to figure it out the signs and clues or even a look in their eyes, you'll just know what or how they are feeling. Be aware and notice your loved ones as much as possible. We all need our existence to be acknowledged
   
   

It's amazing how a creature that just wants to love you and can't even talk can show you the simple pleasures in life. It's in these simple terms, a woof, a wag of a tail and those puppy dog eyes is where you find the meaning of life. Love. Just love the best way you know how. Love for yourself and love for others. We all are going to make mistakes but if we keep on loving then it will make for a good day...mistake or not.

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry (Zoey's mommy)

Learning the lessons from Douche Bags

We will all encounter douche bags in our life, whether friend, foe or family. These are people that are so miserable with themselves that they have the need to pull people down with them to their level. I believe that these people are put in our lives by a combination of Divine and Sadistic intervention. These people are consumed by their own self-doubt and they think since they are thinking this way then everyone around them are a) having the same thought b) doing the same things they are or c) have a self righteous attitude and need to be brought down a couple of pegs. People with this mind set are miserable people. They believe they must step on others to go up in life.

I believe that God puts these kinds of people in our lives as tests. Huge, death defying, moral withstanding tests against all of your better judgements. Why? So when you come out the other side you will be rewarded with blessings beyond measure. I believe it's in these situations and experiences is when you are going to learn the most about yourself and those around you. How about a couple examples?

Senor douche bag. A 9 month, on & off, relationship. He was tall and made me laugh. Outside of those 2 traits he had nothing else positive to add to society. If he vanished off the planets we would all breathe a little bit easier. Even though he was very smart and remembered pretty much everything, he used his powers for evil. He found out and used my insecurities and vulnerabilities against me. He knew I had a soft spot and I believed in giving second chances.....which is a case by case basis. It seemed like every month I was trying to break up with him and I would let him crawl his way back in. There were even a few times during the whole mess when he would verbally abuse me with insults so bad I would cry for days. Why did I put up with this? I couldn't even give you a good reason. At the end it had gotten so bad that I had to trick into thinking that he was breaking up with me.....I KNOW! It was pretty funny when he tried to throw that into my face about how "he" broke up with me. Ha! Tard!

He said he wanted to "hurt me as bad as I hurt him". Here's the thing about that cliche line, I never hurt him. He hated himself so bad for "losing" the game that he was playing with me when I decided to leave that he pulled out all the stops. From insults, to threats, to emailing friends lies, to threatening the safety of my dog, there were no low blow punches this guy didn't try. The result of all this madness was losing people out of my life that I thought were my friends.  When I needed them the most (which is rare) they turned their backs on me.

Here comes the great part. It was all worth it!!!! I don't need people in my life that aren't real friends. And, if those supposed, fake, loser people didn't leave, I wouldn't had ventured out onto a social networking site to find old college friends, only to stumble upon my old crush. It started with 1 email. From that one email I am now married to the most amazing man! I had to lose everything that I thought was real (which wasn't) to make room for all the amazing people that stayed and filled up my heart with pure and real joy. Thanks to Senor Douche Bag, he detoxed my life for me. Isn't that wonderful!!!!

We will all go through things we won't understand right away. It's up to you to stay alive with your eyes wide open and be aware that more is coming. More wonderful, crazy, random greatness. Life is all about balance, yesh? Think about it. If you are getting dumped on with nothing but doodie, you will come out on the other end with beautiful, amazingly smelling, gorgeous flowers!!! There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember to look up.

Purposely yours, Merry Ms Berry

Easy vs. Right?

When has the question of doing the right thing & doing the easy thing ever become an option in people's minds? This is not your typical "Berry one on one" blog, but it still have to do with people's relationships with others.

I've been making some simple observations as I have been my entire life and easy doesn't always stay easy, on the contrary it becomes harder over time. Let's view an example.

I have friends and family that in their early childhood had it pretty easy. They never really had to bust their ass for much and they were rarely told "no". It's not that they were incapable but their parents we able to spoil them with whatever they wanted, whether money, cars, clothes or vacations. Now that they are older and more mature adults, they are the ones that I see struggling mentally, emotionally and even financially. When it comes to having the "the rubber meet the road" they look for the easy way out, thinking that they should just bide their time before someone can  save them. Doesn't that mean that they are compromising their morals and values...or what are their morals and values? I often wonder what keeps them from throwing caution to the mind and doing what is right instead of what's easy? How is putting yourself in a shitty situation because it's easier actually easier?

Ok, here's an example of the other side of the coin. Those without.

First, small children do not know what it means to live without. As long as they have mom and dad's love all is right with the world. Most of them of would even prefer to be without clothing, so kiss off your designer labels. Poop is still poop whether it's in Gucci or Target.

I grew up with everything that I needed.....NOT everything I wanted. My parents were growing a business, my dad was an interesting character to have as a role model and if I wanted something that my parents couldn't or didn't want to provide after the age of 15, I had to get it for myself. PERIOD. If I wanted something outside of my needs, I had to get it myself. Also, emotionally I tore myself apart trying to learn what was the best for me. I tried being a sheep and do what every one else was doing, but I found that it never fit who I wanted to be. I've also watched friends in the same situations battle the same battles I was.

Of course we all wanted the fancy totebags and the trendiest shoes but looking back now it just wasn't that important. I was more of a girl for comfort, not for fashion. I knew as a teenager that if "the popular people" (or anyone for that matter) were going to judge me on what I wore instead of the person that I was on the inside then they: 1) sucked as humans 2) had no taste in people 3) lacked social skills and 4) were not going to be fun to have as friends anyway. (FYI, I had and still have the bestest friends ever!!!)))

I am NOT without mistakes, mess ups, arrest and compromise. But I freely manned up and took responsibility for all my actions and made conscious decisions whether or not I would do those mistakes again. I've put myself in relationships where my morals and values were compromised and immediately took myself out, no matter on who, what or where. If I didn't have my morals and values backing me up what did I really have to stand on for making my other life decisions? I find myself wanting to make the right decision, no matter how hard it may be, because I know in the long run it will make life easier. It's like knowing you have to break up with that crazy boyfriend because he's not your "forever" but it's hard because you see his potential to be amazing. Well, you can't build a life on potential. It's like revving your car in the driveway. Yes you can hear and maybe "feel" the power but you're still not going anywhere.

Also, those who grew up without have found out what life is really all about. It's about appreciating the little things that are not in your control. They dig deeper into their relationships and hold them and those around them to a higher level of thoughts and feelings. Yes, it's nice to have nice things. It's also way better to have those around you that you love so much that in a crisis when all your stuff fails, its those people that have your back. But it's not easy!!!! You have to stand your ground and make personal scarifies to have those people in  your life. You are who you hang out with. If you hang out with shit....well what do you become? mmm hmmm, do I need to say it?

If we lead by example of what is right, then we would never have to "watch our backs" or worry about what's next to come. We've lost our faith in mankind because every one is looking for the easy way, potentially messing it up for others. Well stop it!

Man up!

Stubbornly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Pain is there to learn from

We all will experience pain, both physical and emotional. Pain is part of God's tests. You see in it movies all the time. Someone is stripped of everything and everyone they love or think they have control of, only to learn a different and bigger lesson of life and always down a completely different path then what they "wanted". Your plan more times than is not His plan. Needs and wants are forcefully examined by these trying experiences in one's life.

From an very early age I've experienced a lot of both mental, emotional and physical pain. Coincidentally, all this pain actually fed off of each other. I had to learn to let go of what ever emotional pain that I was torturing myself with to feel the physcial pain go away. I was that child & then teenager, that was worried about the world around them. What did people think of me? Was my family going to be okay? Am I good enough for their love? I always put other peoples' feeling before my own.  These are things that some adults don't care to bother themselves with. But I came to find out how blessed I truly was to have the strength as a young girl to carry such burdens in my heart. Because now as a grown woman I am able to share my lessons through letting my pain go to end up at peace with myself and my physical body. Not too many people can say that.

From the stress that I caused myself in relationships, whether with my parents, friends, or teachers, I ended up with severe muscle knots in my entire back, causing my whole bone structure to shift. This shift lead to hip problems, grinding knees and faulty ankles, not to much excruciating pain back. Pain where there were days I couldn't get out of bed. That worry also led to ulcers. Stabbing, debilitating ulcers that would throw me to the ground. Still all of this didn't stop me from being active in sport. It just meant knee braces and a lot of drugs to keep the pain bearable.

And here's the thing about all of it, no one knew about it. I told almost no one. It wasn't until I was physically unable to hold myself up is when people would take notice. Yes, my family knew some of this pain, but I never looked for anyone's sympathy. Why should I put more stress on the people I loved because of my pain? After a few mental breakdowns and actual breakthroughs I was able to come to the realization that no amount of worrying or control was ever going to help anything or anyone. People were going to be people and the world was going to continue whether or not I cared myself into sickness. God has a plan and I learned to trust that plan.

I started to take care of me and only me. Yes, I still loved and respected my friends and family but it was not my job to protect them from themselves. It took it upon myself to respect myself as much as I did them. After all, who was protecting me? No one. We all have to take responsibility for ourselves. I readily available, in case they needed me. And guess what happened when I started to focus on just me and not the anguish of the world. I started to get better. Slowly. I learned about calm breathing, meditation, smokey festivities, talking and sharing your thoughts and fears. Writing poetry, painting pictures, taking walks or just lying there in silence to let my thoughts clear or let the tears flow. OMG!!! Crying!!! More people need to cry! It's one the most emotional freeing experiences ever! It connects you to others, you can feel what they feel. It's emotions turned into something physical. Cry out your anger and it's like a fog is lifted and you can see your answers in front of you.

If you are not learning from your pain, you're not learning how to live. Learn to let go and thank your blessing that you are strong enough to go through the pain. Because in the end you will go through it and end up better on the other side.

live and love life, Merry Ms Berry

Choosing vs. chosen

I recently learned that most young girls are not told what to expect and what not to except when it comes to relationships. Even as grown, mature women with children, some just don't know what a good relationship looks like.

Many women friends that I have love my husband and they love to see us together, interacting with our everyday lives. They are always commenting on how we are always there for each other even when we're not in the same room. Or how I've devoted myself to him.....me the free spirit that was never going to be tied down. In the back on my mind I think "you can have all of this too. Why can't you see that?"

Throughout the many relationship and learning experiences in my life, I have always chosen each person to be with. I come to find out that some women are in their relationships because they were chosen first and that should be enough. Is it? Just because someone wants to be with you doesn't you have to be with them. OMG! Could you imagine being in a relationship with everyone that hit on you? Holy shit, that's too much to process.

When being with someone, make sure that not only do they want to be with you but that you want to be with them. Both parties should be making the effort to show one another how very important you or they are. Relationships are not only a 2 way street but a give and take.

Yes, it feels great to be wanted but also feels great to want or miss someone. If you are only filled with needing to be needed then what happens when you are not needed for whatever reason, what else do you have to fall back on? Also that leaves a huge open door to be let down because since you don't have any expectations from them since they did all the "picking" then that leaves everything for interpretation. It's kinda like take what you can get, and you get whatever comes  your way. AND THAT IS NO WAY TO LIVE.


Love you! Merry Ms Berry