oh 2025....it came in like a wrecking ball

Looking back on my posts I've noticed that I haven't published anything in over a year. 

I am currently taking my pink, keyboard cover for its maiden voyage. I decided that I needed a 'new' laptop for my energy healing business. Oh, I am not a certified Emotion Code practitioner, an energy healing modality. I have a beautiful site that I will be closing down, maybe just temporarily, this season. But back to my keyboard. I bought a used 2015 MacBook Pro because I remember loving it when I ran an art studio, circa 2015. The only issue that I have right now is that she's latino. Not that I have an issue with my laptop being any race except that she is missing some buttons that I kinda need. I thought about buying the buttons that I need but that would also require me to buy the kit to remove the buttons and learn how to pull off and replace said buttons. So, instead, I bought a $9 keyboard button cover with all buttons labeled accordingly. And so far......I strongly dislike it. I wonder if there's a good chance that me and a good pushup bra might be able to finagle a few keys off a lonely Apple Smart Bar employee in the next town over.

This is the theme of this year. 

and now I've come to notice that the keyboard cover actually does not fit my keyboard. 

good times  

Where to begin....again?

I look back at all my "drafts" and can barely remember what they were about. Before kids, that was the way I used to jot down my ideas and finish them at a later time. These days, if my notes aren't detailed enough, I have zero idea what I needed to do. And I am okay with that. 

So here I am, yet another version of myself and I couldn't be happier, intrigued, excited and scared all at the same time. I know I'll go back in time and fill you guys in what happened over the last......holy shit, 10 years. Until then I will catch you up on today. 

I am a stay-at-home mom of 2 boys, 1 thick female dog, named Gypsy (who loves me most), the proud owner of a soccer mom-mobile Explore to fit said thick dog and children, newly acquired Bronco owner (husband's lifelong dream vehicle), suburban gym going, roommate having, energy healing human expanding her consciousness and raising her vibration every chance I get. Don't get me wrong, I will still scream at people who drive like psychos but that's limited to maybe a couple times a year. 

If you caught all that, yes you read energy healing. I am studying and will be certified in becoming an energy healer by next year, 2024. A far stretch from my schooling as a graphic designer, psychology major or early childhood. My long stretch as an admin of any sort, office manager, assistant, operations anything is long gone and the thought of going back makes me want to peel my skin off. 

I've been awake since 5ish. ICK! but knowing if I had fallen back asleep and woken up at 6ish it would have made me feel worse. So here I am, back on my decaf wagon once again. I'm going to try and put my thoughts together and figure out what I actually want to talk about from this day forward. 

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Roadblocks and reflections

 The day I threw my back out jumping onto a box. I had it coming to me. 

I've been trying to immerse myself in all things spiritual and metaphysical. And by immerse I mean trying to read a good 15-30 of my book a week....a week! That means I don't have the drive or energy I once had 10 years ago. I blame the little people but I digress. 

Over the last couple of months I have noticed that some of my closest friends have dealt with some serious emotional issues. Whether it's fighting loneliness, recovering from trauma, ending relationships or moving forward in their relationships. It's been a hella lotta emotion this year. I have a theory. Because of this pandemic, it is forcing a lot of people to stay home and deal with their shit, ie their mental shit that they so easily distracted themselves from before with outside world stuff. This topic is to be covered at another time, at a later date. 

Back to my shenanigans. As I am being me and trying my best to save my little world and help those with their issues by texting, messaging, FaceTiming and taking phone calls, along with handling my life, 2 young boys, being a homemaker, the holidays and trying to get my broken ass to the gym. And then the busy started. The longer I kept up with emotional battlefield the more things started getting into my way. I became busier. Doctor's appointments started popping up, car things needed to be fixed, new recipes for my gut issues had to be shopped for, my house needed to be tended to on a grander scale. One thing lead to another and I was so mentally drained that instead of going to the gym, which is one of my happy places, I just started staying home cleaning, organizing, or checking out when I should have been reading or even napping. 

The signs kept coming but I didn't understand them. I had shit to do and my people wanted help!

And then the crashing down it came. First it came on Thanksgiving when a cousin was trying to reconnect with via text message while I was preparing for our small, yet festive dinner. My anxiety and emotional triggers got the best of me and I snapped off. I later apologized for snapping but had to remind her these deep conversations were not to be had in the middle of a holiday I was preparing for and to please be conscious of my time and not just her own.

A couple weeks later came another instance where a friend got pissy with me this time because I was not catering to emotional needs. Yeaaaaa.......no. The only people that can hold any expectations on me at this point in my life are my immediate family. Husband. Kids. Mom. Everyone is going to have to take a ticket and wait until their number is called. All for the best though because people need space to figure shit out. I'm people. 

I finally started getting back to the gym. Not on a regular basis but I was trying. I helped out a trainer with some videos which boosted my ego. And then it happened. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't focused on myself. I noticed my back getting sore. I jumped and missed. I cracked my shin. I walked it off and was fine. Then I started noticing my back getting worse but still helped out with a video. By the time I got home I was a mess. I had completely thrown my lower back out. Fuck getting old. This sucks. Now I have to deal with this and everything else comes 2nd, and that goes with everyone else. 

The universe was trying to tell me, let it go, let them figure it out, don't answer that message, don't take that call, you need to focus on you and only you....and the mens. So here I am. Broken and totally frustrated with myself but I hear you universe. Message received. No play dates right now. Just me and my guys enjoying Christmas lights and mommy trying to not wince in pain. Good times. I need to research more recipes. I'm off. 

Oh, the moral of my story. If you start to notice random roadblocks popping up, take some time to sit and reevaluate why. What is the universe or your Spirit Team trying to steer your towards or away from. In my case, the universe wanted me to simply pull myself back into my little world and focus on myself and my little family of men. And I’m completely okay with that. They’re my everything and I need to always remember to be taking care of myself. Because if I’m not okay how am I supposed to be able to take care of anyone else? 

Reflectively yours, Merry Ms Berry

A lifetime later.

 I can’t believe it’s been over three and half years since my last blogger post. So, since 2017 so much has happened, and I don't even know where to start. I will defiently not try and fill in you guys about all that's happened. That would be a super boring read...or at least long winded. I'll start off with what happened in my last post. 

Shortly after finding that an ex-best friend that written about me 5 years prior, I actually reached out to her to thank you for acknowledging my existence. Over the years I bothered me that she bothered me. I come to realized that I still felt hurt pretty badly. And that usually only happens when I really care for someone. I'm one of those people that loves their friends and family, if allowed, wholeheartedly and with everything I am. I can't help it. I fall in love with people. I find people and their worlds fascinating, and if I can be part of those worlds I do. 

In 2018 I had my 2nd child. It was an experience very different from the first, but I will go into that another time and what I learned from that experience. During the time shortly after he was born is when I reached out to my ex-bf to thank her for the acknowledgement of me in her life. From there, it opened something I was not prepared for....her. She wanted to rekindle our relationship. I was scared. I didn't know how to approach this. I've mended relationships before but not of this caliber. So I tiptoed slowly into getting to know her again. A new her and a new me. Both 10 years old. Both married. Both with 2 boys and lifetimes of experiences between us. Day by day we shared a little bit more. I started digging more and she offered up information I was too scared to ask about what actually happened around the time we fell apart. From what I knew for myself, to what I was told by a shady ass bitch named Jen, to the actual truth that was shared with me, I was able to find a peace within myself, forgiving her and along with forgiving myself. There was so much damage being healed and I was excited to have my friend back. 

Here's why I am writing this. I can blow up a bridge, metaphorically speaking, like it was my job. Not only like it was my job but I owned the damn company. I'm a strong advocate of boundaries by any means necessary. But I am, also, someone who isn't so jaded that I'm unreasonable. People fuck up. People change. People grow. Not everyone but enough that this world hasn't imploded on us yet. I guess my point in starting this part one of many posts to come is, don't lose faith in people. Hold out some hope. Let love conquer all. 

These are weird times. But again, that's for another day. I will be back. I miss writing here. I love you

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

All shook up

Yeaaaa not the old song. So damn me for being snoopy and digging into the Internet   And damn me for finding stuff I never thought I'd find. Is it 5 years later? Yes. But it's out there. I never thought  it would be.

I came across a "letter" from an EX best friend.  At first it could have been about me and at times it couldn't have. But then a few details came up that definitely screams it's about me. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt. It hurt because I once cared and all those feelings just don't disappear. It hurt because she recognized what I had done for her, which I never thought she did. It hurts because it just does. There are times I've missed her so. There are times I curse her for turning her back on me. In her defense (the only one point I'll give her) is that she didn't give me a chance to tell her what was happening to me and why I needed her. (IE super psycho, controlling, stalking, emotionally abusive douche bag that I couldn't get rid after breaking up with multiple times for what seemed like a better part of a year) She was too busy with herself to even notice me.

I've blogged about her before about the same mixed feelings when it comes to her. I've blown up my fair share of bridges and the majority of the time I revel in the gloriousness of the destruction I leave behind me. It takes a lot of hurt my feelings and it takes a lot for me to blow up a bridge. So you can imagine the level of hurt I felt.

It's been 10 years since all this happened. All in a blink of an eye. So to you if you find this. Shortly after blowing up our bridge I got married and moved away to the south suburbs. The chances of you running into me where slim. Even if that did happen I'm not one to pick fights. I would like to think I would have held myself together with some grace and just gone on by. But who knows.

I appreciate your awareness in who I was for you. I've often wondered if you ever connected those dots.

In the past 10 years I've gotten married, lost Zoey to old age, gained a cat through my husband, left corporate America, closed any businesses I tried to have, been a nanny, ran an art studio and am currently a stay at home mom to the smartest one year I know. Also, I dabble in painting on the side and make enough money to buy supplies. My life is the calmest and most serene it's ever been. It's nice.

Outside of this I don't know what else to say. I'm glad you're happy. 

Shockingly, Merry Ms Berry

Dearest Pike, Love 26 year old Mom

Dear Pike,

I am your mom at the age of 26. I have not started dating your father yet. At this point I had only talked to him for about 10 minutes back when we were in college together in the late 90's. Yes 1990's. No need to gasp, shit happens.

At 26 years old I thought I had a lot of things figured out. In my defense I had lived a lot for someone my age. I had already lost my father, your grandfather. I am currently working for one of the largest entertainment companies that runs 25 nightclubs and restaurants in the Chicagoland area. I am the Operations Administrator and had worked my way up from receptionist. Actually they didn't want to fill the position, I was next in line. I fucking rocked it! Outside of my inner office workings of legal documents, insurance, workman's compensation files, running the office and helping other managers with whatever they needed for their store, I also had many projects on the side. Not only was I a bartender at night, I was trying to get a online retail store off the ground, build teams, get clients, maintain my name with a promotional company I helped start and maintain a social life in the midst of all of it. And look good doing it all.

I was already engaged once before at a very young age, had my heart broken 3 times and went on numerous dates. Some great. Some utterly horrible. I have this beautiful white Husky named Zoey. I've already moved out twice and back in with your Gamma Diane. She always welcomes me home. Long story short, at 26 I was an ass kicking machine trying to build a life what would not only myself, but my present family and future family, who ever they may might be.

At 26, these are the things that I do not know yet and will ultimately break me down, make me cry, scream and come to terms with in my 30's.

1. Figuring out what having real faith means will save your life from the brink of disaster. When you throw your hands up in the air and just know that way ever happens, God will protect you, whether here in the physical world or in Heaven.

2. Your parents are people. They have struggled hard to be as amazing as they can be. They will make mistakes along with way. Let them. Have fun with them. We are all humans and make mistakes no matter how old we are.

3. If you're not doing what God wants you to, He will not let you succeed. I wanted to be the big bad ass business owner, connection making, hot to trot machine in black eyeliner and 4 inches heels. God had other plans for me. None of which had owning and running some super big company. But I still rock out black eyeliner and 4 inch heels.

4. Your emotions are your inner guidance system to your life. Yes, there are going to be times where you are going to have to meet where the rubber meets the road. You are going to have to push yourself harder than you've ever pushed before. Blood, sweat and tears will be expected for parts of your life that you love and respect. But, there will come a time where something doesn't feel right. Parts of life aren't going to be fun or bring you joy, and at those moments, you need to turn around and walk away.

5. People will be put in your life to learn from. Whether you're going to learn about what a great love is and how far you would go for that. Or you're going to learn how horrible people can be what you don't want in your life, and who not to give yourself to. Not a couple but many.

6. You're going to learn to have to let people go. We will have friends for a lifetime. We are going to have friends for a moment. NEVER cling onto a person that doesn't want the best for you and you don't want the best for them. Only surround yourself with people who bring value to you life, either emotional, mentally, or spiritually. Be the person that everyone can turn to but be with people that you can turn to also. No matter how long or short, sometimes it's best to let people stay or go. You'll know what the time is right.

7. You are going to experience life first hand in way I won't. But it's always nice to be armed with information and knowledge from loved ones that have walked a similar path. Your family loves you unconditionally and wants nothing but the best for you. Listen to their stories. And then live your life.

8. Make mistakes. Fail!!! Fail time and time again. Keep trying new things. Excel at a bunch. Suck at the rest. Who cares? Never fear failure. It's in those times of failure is where you will learn the most about not only yourself but your world around you.

9. Enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Ice cream. A soft blanket. A good night's sleep. Sleeping to the sound of a thunderstorm. A nap. Your favorite sweatshirt. Your favorite song. A walk in the rain. These are just a few things let will help keep you from losing your mind. There will be a time where your world will come down around and you'll have no where to go. Be still. Recoup. Enjoy the silence. Be one with yourself and all your answers will come to you.

10. What makes you happy now will most likely not make you happy later. As we age and grow as people, our likes and dislikes change along with us. I've always had a flair for art. But then I stopped. It was once my outlet for pain and then I didn't need it. And then it became my outlet for joy and it was completely different. And I will become mildly successful as an artist.

11. Love honestly. Speak from the heart. That scary, raw truth that people run from. The truth is the only thing we have. Even if it hurts you or might hurt someone else, the truth is what help make life real. Each relationship you have will be different and go into knowing that. Don't pre-judge what you don't know. Everyone is different. Learn from the last and use that to love the next different.

12. Own. your. Shit! You are going to make mistakes. Take ownership of them. Take responsibility for them. Apologize. It'll make your life so much easier.

13. As Gamma Diane says "when your home is in order, your life will be in order." I say "I like being proactively lazy." Get the annoying stupid shit done first and out of the way. That way you don't have to worry about it later and can relax as much as you want, or have as much fun as you want without caring if you have clean clothes or if dirty dishes are growing mold in the sink. Take pride in everything you have, from your car to your socks.

14. Appreciate nice thing but don't consume yourself with stuff. You can only handle one item at a time. No need to have 10 of something, except t-shirts, who doesn't love an awesome t-shirt collection. Okay, and socks. You need socks and undies. It's about quality no quantity. That goes with people too.

15. You have NO control over anyone. Not a dog, not your parents, not your friends, not your lovers, not anyone. Let them be them. You just worry about being you. People are going to let you down whether you have puppet them or not. So don't even try. Trust me I've walked that path early in life, it sucks.

16. You are not perfect. Don't act like it. I don't want you to ever think you need to be. You will never be. Trying to be perfect FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

17. Always been on time. Respect not only your time but other people's too. If you say you're going to be somewhere make sure you give yourself enough time and even an extra 10 minutes for shit to happen. Better to arrive a little early then be late.

18. Read. There are so many amazing books out there. Keep learning.

19. Make everything as much fun as possible. Your gamma once woke me up, after a long night of drinking, in the early morning to shovel wet heavy snow from the driveway. I didn't bitch or complain. I opened the trunk of my car and cranked some Christmas music. If I was going to do something that sucked I was going to enjoy some fun music doing so.

20. Appreciate everything in your life. And I mean everything. When you put that into perspective, nothing will be able to bring you down.

21. Travel. Don't put yourself into debt to do so. But if you have a choice between a fancy watch or the chance to go see a different country, go and see the world.

22. Protect your drivers license and your credit score. Only go to college if you need to succeed in something you love like being a lawyer or a psychiatrist. Debt is not something you want to drown in.

23. Take pride in your work. Whether your cutting hogs, cleaning horse stalls or making sandwiches, do it with pride and it will always show. And you will always be respected for it.

24. Protect the weak. I have a feeling that you are going to be a leader and a warrior. You're already so smart and crazy. Protect those who are weaker than you. There are many bullies in the world and we need to stand against them. Love on those you can. Kill them with kindness as much as possible but make sure the little guy gets his day in the sun too.

25. Don't let anyone change you. Don't let anyone try to make you a lemming. Don't let them put you in a box and tell you you're not good enough. You are the most perfect you ever and the world need to see you shine or others can shine with you.

26. Laugh as much as possible.

27. Cry. Get it out. The strongest of men cry. Men who allow themselves to feel and process cry, laugh, hug, cuddle, fight and stare. Allow yourself to feel everything.

28. Figure out how to be happy. Start young and continue to learn what you like and what makes you smile.

29. Stay young at heart and life will be so much more fun. Being a boring adult that takes everything serious is stupid!!!!

30. Dance. Dance great. Dance bad. Just dance. 99% of people don't know how to dance so don't worry about what you look like. Get out there and just dance. It feels amazing!

Know that we are all fucked up in some way in a fucked up world. God makes all kinds of kinds. (That's a country song). Get ready to get your hands dirty and take on the world running just like your mom and dad have. We wear our scars like badges of honor. Ask about them and we will tell you what you need to know. I am an open book and not afraid of people judging me because I really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, except from those that I love who never judge me too badly anyway.

I love you forever, now and from beyond. I will always be with you.

Love, Mommy Ms Berry

Maybe I do need some closure

For whatever reason I've had a hard time letting shit go. I was about to type out a letter for no reason just to get thoughts out of my head and send it to an ex-bestfriend. In the past when shit went down I was the first to let it go. It would roll off my shoulders and I was all about "is it what it is and it was what it was." Of course I used to smoke a lot of pot back day in the day, too. I'm sure that played a big role in my free spirit, not remembering, la-dee-da attitude. Though my memory is about 75% since having my son, there are still some things that bother me. So, instead of actually writing to those that don't deserve my attention, I'll leave it here. If by some weird chance those from my past come across it then so be it, if not then no harm no foul.

Dear you,

I've been lamenting for quite some time whether or not I would ever write to you. I had always been one to fix things, right wrongs, or keep friendships alive. I am no longer that person. It bothers me that you bother me. I'm not jealous, mad, sad, or glad for or about you. One reason is because I know you never really cared about me. I was just another pawn in your little game of life to get to things you wanted. I look back to see how manipulative you were to others and never thought I would feel that hand but I did and it was for the best.

I think why I'm bothered as much as I am is because of how much I truly cared for you. I went above and beyond more than anyone had ever done for you. Knowing you, you probably don't see anything you've ever done wrong. You've never put yourself in anyone else's shoes. You just wanted what you wanted and no one was going to tell you otherwise. The sad thing was that I only ever wanted you to be happy.

I've thought about writing about all the little things from the beginning to the end of us but it doesn't really matter. Not then and not now, except for one little thing. Without me, your life would be profoundly different. From the beginning to the end of us, not one major life change in the last 17 years doesn't have something because of me. And for that I can die tomorrow knowing my purpose was greater than most. I can say that my mere little existence has changed many lives for the better and not just yours, and that's pretty neat.

From what you think I know to what you don't think I know, I hope you are not the person that turned your back on your friends so long ago. I hope for the sake of your children you've learned some hard life lessons that will make them better as they grow.

I've received some divine intervention through dreams with regards to you. God wants me to have some understanding, compassion, and caution when it comes to you and your life. There were times I've woken up missing my friend and wanting you to go running with. Other times I've woken up glad you were gone. Either way everything had to happen for a reason. You had to leave me to find my soul mate and start a brand new chapter with a whole different world. And I know was the same for you.

In the end I hope you got your ass handed to you. I hope it made you a different and better person. I hope that you've had to fight for all that you have because before when life was handed to you, you didn't appreciate it. I hope life is life. Good. Bad. Beautiful.

Sincerely, Truly Merry Ms Berry

P.S. the funny thing about this letter is that it can actually go to a couple people. I guess I had more learning to do that I thought. Yay me learn stuff!

Holy 2015 Chapters

I say "chapters", plural, because so much has changed in ONE year. At times it seemed like an eternity ago and at others it was just a blink of an eye. But here I am, a person that in this time on Monday I will be someone's mom.

I am 41 weeks pregnant and my little guy is getting served his eviction notice on Monday. Sometimes I think knowing the exact moment your life is going to change is more nerve racking then when it just happens with no preconceived notion of it.

In January, 2015 I have traveled to Puerto Rico, took 3 planes from 4 different airports to get there in the dead of winter when it was 3 degrees outside. A great way to start to rebuilding my marriage that hung by the threads of mistrust, pain and heart break. I recommend traveling to Puerto Rico in the middle of winter. The sands, sun and water were the perfect blanket of warmth to mend frozen hearts, amongst the alcohol fueled adventures and the passion filled rooms.

In February I became pregnant with our first child. My pregnancy itself was pretty great. I didn't go all bipolar, psycho, cry at every moment. On the contrary I found most things very humorous. Except the changes to my body. If you know any of the real me, you know that I'm vain, self conscious and slightly insecure about how I look and I prefer to be cute and fit. Well, add months of cheese fries and milkshakes and all that fit and hotness goes right out the window. So be it.

In June I had to put my best friend of 14, my fur baby, the one creature that loved me unconditionally, to sleep. I still cry at least once a week. I miss my Zoey beyond words. I am not going to go into details on why she had to go, but it was time. It came on hard and fast, and she was not going to suffer out of my own selfishness of wanting her around. Everyone she met loved her. For a dog, she had the biggest and silliest personality.

In August I sold my purple "brat mobile" Monte Carlo. 10 years and almost 200k miles, she was a ticking time bomb of car repairs and it was, also, her time to go. In her place we bought a 4 door, sparkly white, turbocharged mom-mobile. Her name is Snowflake. Though her personality is not as big as the "brat mobile's" she is a good, fast car and we look forward to making hundreds, if not thousands of memories in her.

In September I traveled to the desert to paint watercolor paintings in old silver mining towns.

From the most epic of baby showers to painting the whole house, my life has been a constant change. I am blessed in so many ways and yet overwhelmed with all that is about to continue to happen. The things that meant so much to me that began new chapters in my life, Zoey, the brat mobile, are gone but opened new chapters. I'm sad because I miss them but probably more so because the new chapters aren't written yet.

On a lighter note, I have been told numerous times that I don't look 10 months pregnant. Yes, 10! It's supposed to be a full 9 months, but in all actually it's 40 weeks which is 10 months.

I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm excited, I am someone new that gets to experience a new life with no fucking clue what to expect. But the baby's room is beautiful so I have that.

I will be back.

Below is a picture of my contractions and little man's movements from a couple weeks ago. Funny how it's reflects the look of a rollercoaster.

Consistently changing, Merry Ms Berry

Sometimes it's okay to wander

Never in my 35 years alive have I not had a plan, a goal, a vision of what or where I thought I wanted my life to go, end up, and become. But here I am in place where, if 10 years ago you would have told me I'd be, I'd laugh in your face and probably be spilling my martini on your shoes in the process. Even now I have no concrete plan or ideas on what I want to do with my life.

I am currently baking a little man in the oven. I have a couple more months until he arrives and then the next chapter of my life begins as another whole new person. I've only been a "mom" to a dog, who I miss uncontrollably, but never to a little human. I've been a friend, enemy, business partner, employee, lover, fighter and probably a million other things that my "baby brain" won't let me remember, but never a 24/7, rest of my life figure head over something my body created with someone else. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it, even though billions of people have already done the same.

Who do I want to be? Where am I going? What is going to become of a life I thought I had control over? So many questions and yet I have no answers. I want to be a great mom and teach my child to be the best he can be. Through trials, failures, successes and plain ol' fun, I want to help him mold himself into whoever he feels he wants to be. Isn't that what a "parent" is supposed to do? That's what my mom did for me. She wanted me to succeed but knew I had to fail to get there.

So....now what? What can I do with myself to show my son how to be awesome? What do I work towards or become to show him that life is supposed to fun, hard, messy, painful and totally worth all of it?

I had to throw my hands in the air and let the all mighty ruler of the universe lead me to this point, maybe I should continue to do so because I have no idea what else to do. Write? Paint? Draw? Speak? I always thought I had to control every moment and make things happen, but in the end it didn't work for me like that. So here's to NOT having a plan. NOT kicking ass & taking names. NOT knowing what to do. And NOT caring otherwise. Here's to loving the moment in a life, with amazing people and just letting the rest of it go.

Curiously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Trip, fall, shatter and give me the fawkin glue.

It's been a year and a half since I left my soul sucking career in a financial office. I've been to school for an insane semester, currently a nanny for 2 crazy spoiled children and working one day a week at a creative agency that I adore with every inch of my being. Within in that time I have fallen apart a few times and have to put myself back together. Not only fallen apart professionally but emotionally.

First it was the feeling that my life was a slew of experiences that mean nothing for a future I might not ever get to really understand. I have always held myself to a higher standard when it came to treating others and taking care of those around me. Time after time, job after job I have allowed people to put me down and take full advantage of me. Those same painful "career" experiences that recently spilled into my personal life. And when I say personal, I mean all over the fucking place. From "best friends" becoming enemies to wanting to leave a life I fought so hard to built. My life and my home fell to pieces. ...... again.......

But this is life...right?

One way or another life has cycles, eb and flows, peaks and valleys.....AND I WANT OFF THIS FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER RIDE! Now that doesn't mean that I expect not to have to duck and weave throughout life but I'm totally over getting put down, stabbed in the back and having my heart broken. With these situations happening I do what I only know what to do best, kick down doors, pack of my bags and tell people to go fuck off. Yep. That's how I roll.
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Revision: I wrote the above post sometime last year. I should probably start dating these things better. I think I kept it around to allow others into a small part of my life. I might write about unicorns and roses, but unicorns shit and roses have thorns. It's all part of life and I am not beneath trudging through my own mistakes and downfalls. I'm not one to roll over and just cry about it. I do cry. I do walk. I do fight. I do cave. I do break. I heal. I forgive. I learn. I move forward. Eventually I let the walls down and let those who hurt me back in. Why? Because that's what true love means. To forgive those you love to allow them the chance to hurt you again, but having some faith that they won't because they really do love you too. I hope I am able to teach my unborn son all these things, his father and I made it through to create him out of the love we have for each other.

Have you missed me?

It's been over a year since I've posted anything. I've thought about spilling out everything more than a few times, and yet never made it to here. So here I am.

In the past 18 months my life has been anything but smooth. As you know I left my corporate job at an investment firm to figure "me" out, what makes me happy and what doesn't. Well.....being a nanny didn't. I am blessed and grateful to have been a nanny to 2 of the craziest, smartest and weirdest little kids around. Their parents were amazing and it was close to home. I think of the kids as my practice run children for when I have my own.

Sometime last year my marriage basically fell apart. Lines were drawn. Hearts were broken. Many many many tears were shed by all but in the end it all fell back together. The old saying of "it has to get worse before it gets better" was more than true in our home. It was by far one of the most painful and yet fulfilling experiences in my life to date. The was some time in the middle of 2014. By the time the holidays came, things were slowly being put back together.

Enter 2015. We take a vacation to Puerto Rico to escape the bitter winter for some sun, sand and amazing fun with friends. We decided since everything that was wrong with "us" was pretty much fixed that 2015 would be a great starting point to "try" and expand on our family. We tried "hard" to make a Puerto Rico baby......but it was probably a good thing considering that amount of alcohol consumed in that short period of time.

When March rolled around and more and more of my friends started popping up pregnant, I had to come to terms that I might be getting a muscle car instead of a child. We were both in an understanding that we were going to try the best we could without killing ourselves, or going to a fertility specialist to get pregnant. We were okay with fancy toys and traveling the world. Little did I know I had gotten pregnant at the end of February. Yay us!

to be continued.........

enjoy my tropical Octo-baby!

Another one bites the dust.

Ya know how it's a bad idea to re-date ex-boyfriends? Well...I was just reminded that the same idea should go for best friends too.

Silver lining...?

Silver lining.....?

Hmm......I got it. True Love. Again. Yay me!

Long story short. My hubby and I went on a long weekend ski trip to Breckenridge, CO with another couple, one of the people being my "best friend" Blondie. Over the entire weekend she didn't say more that 5 sentences to either of us. By the time I had alone time with her to discuss how she was acting or to see if there was something wrong, I felt so out of place and uncomfortable, that I actually wanted nothing to do with her. Also, my body was so beat up from falling on my face down the mountainside, all I really wanted to do was enjoy my buzz in bed and watch some cheesy movies, while the mens did some night skiing.

The day after getting back from an extremely uncomfortable weekend I might have abrasively demanded an explanation for her behavior. I was extremely emotional, on edge, and disturbed by the whole ordeal that my execution of the discussion started off rough and ended up even worse. I put her on the spot and she threw a hissy fit and proceeded to read (type via text message) me the riot act.  She told me to grow the fuck up and turned the whole thing around on me. In the end I told her that we weren't the people we thought we were and to take care. SEE....I can take the high road too. Kinda.

Here's the thing about the whole situation. I only lit the fuse to the bomb that exploded that bridge. Blondie provided the dynamite. Problems started years ago. Tiny red flag after tiny red flag started to appear. Trying to be the better person and not let weird, little petty things come in the way of a friendship. A relationship that I fought to rebuild after she turned her back on me years before and I had reached out to her about 5 years ago. As the years went on I noticed her core values changed and changed in a way very different from my own. People change. I get it. Some grow with you, some grow away from you. We grew apart. Proof I wasn't really ever that important to her. Proving to myself, also, that she wasn't really that important to me either. In the end we should protect ourselves and our values. If someone isn't adding any sort of value to your life then what's the point of having them around? Isn't it counterproductive in the pursuit of happiness?

Okay back to the silver lining. If I hadn't pushed Blondie to leave her comfort zone and give this Minnesota man a shot she would not be engaged to him right now. AND I mean really had to convince her to give him a chance. I've always fought for the fairytale romance and look what happened. You never know what could happened and now I can sleep easily knowing that my purpose in this friendship was greater than us actually being friends. Yay me! I can say that this is not the first time it's happened, but that's not here or there.

I went through this once before with Blondie but it was me in the hot seat and her that walked away. Well.... I need to walk away and it's okay. It's in times of solitude is when we truly find ourselves. I hope she finds what she's missing.


Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

P.S. I was accused of burning bridges but all I wanted to do was talk. She blew that bridge up and it needed to be done.

You tell me and you tell me NOW

It's Tuesday and I feel like I'm back being a bartender. People think, somehow, it's a glamorous life to be a bartender but it really isn't. I felt morally and ethically compromised being a bartender for a long period of time. With that said, I do not feel that I am compromising my morals by any means right now. I feel like I'm standing still, in an elevator, waiting for my floor of uncertainty to arrive and listening to the worst of Kenny G in the process. (Sorry mom. Easy listening is not easy to listen to for me).

So here I am. I have it really good compared to a lot of people and I'm not saying that to brag, I'm really not. I am saying that because something is missing. I feel like I should be doing more. Feeling more. Moving more. Experiencing more. Just more. But I don't know what it is.

I went back to painting for a very short period of time and it hasn't filled me up. I've had my highs and my lows. I've run around like a crazy person and I've sobbed in bed for a couple days straight. But where do I go from here. Where is my joy? How do I find it? Who do I ask? I'm emotionally laying low and incognito. I feel bipolar and almost ready to snap, then again it's almost numbing.

I am truly blessed with what and who are in my life, so why am I not elated? Why do I feel so empty? And why aren't the answers smacking me in the face?

I sold a painting and it was nice to give a little part of myself to someone who wanted it. Is that it? Am I not wanted? Do I crave necessity from a deeper place? Should I grab my notebook and painstakingly crave my grey heart out in poems that makes others weep for me?

I have found that my best works of anything have comes from the deep, dark, painful hollows of my soul. That place no one likes to visit, yet I know all to familiar. The place my rage comes from. hmm? Something to look into. If something is stirring, it needs to come out. If it doesn't, my anguish will continue.

I want to sleep for days. But alas, I cannot.

To the bat cave!

All Saints were Sinners

First and foremost, God is Love. Unconditional, puppy loving, bright light shining, mom hugging, love. With that being said, He does let the Universe balance itself out and allows obstacles in your way to help make you a better person by battling those lessons. I am a product of this.

As an observer of life and people in their own little worlds, I have a tendency to get sucked into them. Sometimes my observations are welcomed, other times they are not appreciated, though they are always asked for.

Recently I let myself get sucked into some neighbor drama that slowly leaked itself into my life. Bad Misia Bad! What I have learned from all of this that unless you are working with both parties at fault nothing good will come out of the situation for the mediator. At this point I wanted to be the mediator but was a friend that chose sides. I chose a side because of my painful past that I had to survive through. I still have a deep scar from a painful relationship I had to claw my way out of. So, of course it wasn't hard to side with my girl dealing with crazy. But here is where I come at fault. She wasn't getting rid of the crazy, she was trying to dealing with, mold and transfer the crazy into something she thought she had from before. Instead of kicking crazy to the curb she let it back in thinking it would change.

It got to the point where I was hearing the same shit over and over and over again. Things that as young adults we go through and as we get older should have a lower tolerance for. This was not the case. The day it affected my relationship was the day things were not going to change with or without my help.

Exit stage left. For the sake of my own relationship, for me choosing side when I should have kept myself out it. For the damage I've felt and compassion I feel for others. I am learning to say when enough is enough for my life. It takes longer than most, I'm just a big mush ball inside. Far reach from my post the other night.

With all that being said. If you continue to be yourself, making mistakes and all, if you can take a step back and make sure all is right in your world, the world itself with right its own wrongs.

I'm sorry this post isn't more exciting or full of deeper thought provoking ideals. But I'm not dead yet. More to come eventually.

Mistakenly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Don't think I won't light you on fire

I have been known to maybe kinda lose my cool. I would like to think when I do it's warranted and well deserved. Last weekend was about 93% deserved.

My love and I were our with the neighbors for a 30th surprise birthday party. From start to finish and everything in between was so much, I'm so happy I was a part of it. Throughout the evening little did I know that my love was dealing with a douche bag in disguise. I later to come find this out as he was about to rage out on this pea-brain individual. At this point the whole lot of us were inebriated. I was not as bad as the rest since drinking is completely different for me now that I have switched to a gluten free diet. I drink less because I drink wine now. I don't chug it and I get a buzz a lot quicker than anything.

I go outside to get some air and notice my love is 2 seconds from losing his mind with rage. Trying to figure out what was going on and what might happen in the near near future, like my husband going through a wall, I decide that it is time to go. I am one all about options. I assess situations and come up with 2 possible decisions to make with different outcomes. So 1. either confront this little douche bag and let's be done with it. Or 2. we're leaving. Apparently the options I had to given were both unacceptable, leaving my husband snorting steam from his nostrils about to go all "Torro" at dude.

So, I took it upon myself to get down to the bottom of this. I went into confronted the douche bag at hand and to no surprise this little POS had nothing to say to me. In the mean time a good girl friend of mine proceeded to put herself in between myself and said douche. Without running her over and trying to explain the situation, MissMissyMissCalmDown made the wrong move in deciding to tell me what to do and how to do it. As controlled as I could be defending my lunatic of a husband, I explained this dispute and nothing to do with her and this little shit had some explaining to do. Within a few minutes Senor Douche stands up and decides to tell me "F*** your husband".

Exsqueeze me? Does this dude not know a slightly disturbed I am and what damage I am capable of? Apparently not. I take a couple steps closer to him and MissMissyMiss is not getting her way, I'm not agreeing with her and now she's taken the side of this guy, explaining some shit about he's our friends cousin blah blah blah. I don't give a fly monkey fawk who's cousin this is, I'm gonna drag this guy out and show him us Polish ladies handle disrespect in the family.

At this moment MissMissyMiss has been offended and telling me to leaving. I tell her how much of a douche her friend is, get her priorities straight and proceed out the door, dragging my husband behind me to the truck. I would like to say it ended there but it didn't. At home there was more Tasmanian devil like behavior but that's not here or there right now.

Since MissMissyMiss is(was, pretty sure still is) a friend of mine, I chose NOT to run her over, toss her to the side or verbally slice her apart. I chose to leave before I left bodies on the floor. Aren't I nice? I make it into bed and wake to a voice mail from my friend wanting to talk it out and move on. Usually I'm not one to sweep things under the rug. I like to acknowledge, dissect and move forward. After a day or so I decided this was ONE instance that was never to be talked over again. No good was going to come up it.

Moral of the story: If I have something to say, 93% of the time it's with good reason and well deserved. Let the chips fall where they may. Don't make fights that aren't your own and just sit back and enjoy the ride. Get in my way and there's a small chance I'll either push you, climb or pick you up and set you out of my way. It's not wise to stand there all toughy tough and get verbally slaughtered.

Thank God these instances so far and few in between.

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Faith's kick in the head

I am human. I fall. I falter. I rage. I cry. I get up and do it all over again.

It's been a weird couple of months. I must remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Repeat. I.am.exactly.where.I.am.supposed to be.

With that being in mind, it truly has been weird and I need to take in account the red flags that are currently presented to me. The hard working, defeated by nothing side of me says keep going, turn a blind eye, it's nothing you can't work through. The other side of me, the softer, injured, little bit more aware side of me says "GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE YOU DUMBASS!"

Let's proceed. I work 2 days a week for one of my closest guy friends for a creative agency he runs and owns. I love it! The work is admin work but I don't care because he's a blast to be around, he has great taste in tea, he includes me into his shenanagins and he let's me bring my dog to the studio. Yay best boss ever! Currently it's just making my bills, so my stress level is low.

Now here comes the part that needs....let's say "adjusting". On Fridays I babysit for one of the cutest babies ever. Love him! Love spending time with him. Since I am enjoying it so much I've decided to keep the good fight up to work with children as a nanny. A gentleman who is freshly out of a divorce contacted me to see if I might be interested in watching his boys after school. Now I wasn't really looking for after school stuff only because it's not a lot of hours and the age group is not really my "wheelhouse" ...per say.

The man was nice. His kids are nice. They are boys and they are exactly what normal boys their age are like. So.....why not? I felt bad for the guy. (problem #1) I shouldn't feel bad and put myself in a position I might not love.

Day 1 at new "job". I wake up to "dad" texting me that he might have locked me out of the house without knowing. No biggie. I don't mind having the boys at my house. I get to the house early to make sure that wasn't the case, all is good. I walk down to the school to get the boys and I am approached by a man looking for a "babysitter". Unwittingly I give him my number, tell him how much I charge and I will have to talk to him later. On the walk home this guy calls me. I told him that I need to focus on the boys and I need to talk to him after 6 pm. He says "okay" then tells me he'll just text me. Over the next hour he texts me 4 times with stupid shit. (problem #2) He then proceeds to call me "cutie" and asks if nannies do "overnights". UMM....WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE SMOKING? As professionally as I can after having a freak out moment with my husband, I tell  him that I "regretfully decline any and all babysitting positions". Luckily I haven't heard from him since, I was about to go a little cray cray wanna verbally stab stab. But I didn't have to. Yay.

We get back to the house and I take the boys to the park to be boys. Run, jump, climb, wrestle, break sticks against things......ya know boy stuff. Since they live right across the street from a park, the walk back was all of 2 seconds. I notice a car in the driveway and realized that it must be the ex-wife. A little earlier than I thought she would be there. (problem #3). The woman is just lovely, she really is. It was nice to meet her and chat for a moment. She let some "divorce" talk slip in during idol chit chat but hey, who am I to stop a lady on a rant? I leave early (problem #4) and go home.

I go home and decide to spend the whole next day cooking. I wake to "dad" texting me that he put the right key back and assures me that I won't be locked out. I ask if he's talking about the 12th of November and say no "today". Whaaaat? To my confusion I thought I worked for him 2 afternoons, come to find out its 3. Fun. Shaking the funk out of my sandy eyes I collect myself and start on my day as planned. I drive to pick up the boys from school because of the chance of rain. I see "dude" and run past him to the boys. Heebeejeebees!!! We drive back and as I pull into the driveway there are 2 cars in the drive. I am notified from my charges that it's mom and grandma. Huh?

I text the dad to let him know the situation. I talked the ex-wife and told her I would keep the boys busy while she packed up her stuff. She closes on a townhouse in 3 weeks. I guess it's crunch time. A couple hours in, many foam darts fired and the world saved from Russian vampires and I decide to leave. Everyone is having dinner together and I want to go home.

Can I look past any of these situations? Sure can. But do I want to? I took a job for extra money that's actually disrupting of commitments that I have, for a family that doesn't know how to communicate. They are nice people but something inside is telling me to move on. This is not for me. My darling hubby says stick with it, but I really don't want to. I have put myself in situations for the sake of money or other people too many times. This is not fun for me.

So here I am. 11:30pm on a Wednesday night and I'm writing to you. Halloween is tomorrow. It's raining outside and I love the sound. I've made up my mind. On Friday I will collect my pay...all $59...woo hoo...what a pain....and I will be moving on. Too bad too. The boys were hilarious.

Faithfully yours, Merry Ms Berry

Throw in the Towel - I let you!

I see my fellow blogger and friend from high school deciding that she will no longer blog out her mind. She finds no need to put her "pathetic woes" out into the universe (her words not mine). At this moment I think it's the best thing that she can do for herself.

There are always going to be points in your life where it's going to feel like you are spinning your wheels. Whether it is work, love, or home, there's always going to be something. This is called life and no one said you weren't allowed to take a break from it. Now I am not saying run away from your problems but as an example you are not having luck in the dating world, why not just stop. Can it get lonely, yes. But it's better to be single and lonely then having to deal with some crazy, wrong, douche bag. It's all how you look at it.

So where is this magical place called "peace"? It's in the one place you haven't looked because it's the simplest place to look. It's called nowhere exactly where you are. It's that moment when you cry every tear you can, pull yourself off the bathroom floor, completely exhausted, crawl into bed and pass out for 10 hours. It's that moment when you open your eyes and everything is a little bit better. It's a dream showing you what's really going on. It's laying on the floor with no clue on what to do. It's your brain giving up and trying to figure it out and just letting the universe take over. Good or bad, you just don't care anymore. You throw out any idea of what you thought you had for yourself and your life and just throw it out the window. You accept what you are and have that this very moment and say "I'm exactly where I am supposed to be".

I am nowhere I thought I would be when I was 25 years old. I had this image in my mind of someone completely different. I had a string of bad dates, crazy boyfriends, multiple businesses and NOTHING was panning out. And I mean NOTHING. Hot boyfriend?......Crazy drunk boy with emotional issues. Good steady corporate operations position?......for alcoholic fueled industry that was too cheap to give me a full time assistant. Online retail business?......got pulled in a million different directions from partners and client, completely losing myself in the process. Nightclub marketing company?........long nights, no pay, drug and alcohol fueled clientele. A million bad dates!!! Oh, throw a random bootycall in from my ex-boyfriend that would emotionally mess me up more. So you can kinda say that I was a mess because all of this was falling apart, add some friends stabbing me in the back and it was a sucky couple of years.

I threw my hands in the air and said FINE! Whatever! I don't care. I slowly let go of all this above doodie and life took me in a completely different direction. AND I wouldn't change any of it. I am so much happier not being the above person that I couldn't fathom going back to how things were. Is my life perfect, I wouldn't even know how to answer that. It's perfect for what I need right now. I have a handful of amazing friends. I have a little bit of work to keep me out of house. I had to put my dreams of world domination on the back burner because it was not my path. I am at peace with what my life didn't turn out to be. I love not having to deal with life the way it was. But it took my falling apart for me to see any of it.

Unconsciously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Letting go means getting to move forward.

As of May 15th I left the corporate world behind me. Since then I put a summer semester of school under my belt. I found that learning about early childhood development is something that I have been practicing for my whole life. Or at least a huge part of it. From people watching to running multi-million dollar corporate offices, it all brought me to learn more about myself.

So? Where am I now? I am sitting on the couch an unemployed housewife. I almost ready to go back to work but has found solace in my home. Yup. I like being home. I haven't had taken time for myself in....umm.....probably close to 20 years, now that I think of it. If I wasn't going to school full time and working, then I was working 2 or 3 jobs, having a relationship with some dude, building a company, traveling all over the country, being a road warrior and people ever one else's damns needs before my own. Well shit! Here I am. I am doing a whole lot of nuttin' and FREAKING LOVING EVER SECOND OF IT!

Now, on to the next part of my plan. Umm, I don't have one and I don't care. I know my life is out there but right now I'm enjoying the couple weeks that I have left of my 24/7 freedom. Freedom to call the shots one way or another just for myself. It's quite bizarre actually. I hope that I get another chance in life to do this again. I hope everyone who ever wants to take that chance gets to take it. I thought I would be a lot more productive, ass kicking and super health Nazi, but I not even close. Okay, I lie. I'm closer that I give myself credit but I'm not breaking my back to do so.

Here's where my learning of life comes into play. I don't have to a plan. I don't have to know what tomorrow brings. I don't need to save the world nor do I have the urge to take it over. Yes, I could have started writing, dancing, painting, but I didn't feel the urge to. I could have done anything in the world but all I wanted to do was get away from it. My home is where I wanted to be. I wanted time to zone out. I wanted time to walk my dog. I wanted time to take my bike to the store, and I have done all those things.

I have lived a life for the world and it got me nowhere except a bunch of battle scars that I wear proudly. So here I am. Just me for me. Me for my home. Me for my husband. Big, tall, small, loud, pretty, messy or forgetful, I don't care. I did me.

The next chapter will be here soon, until then I'll be here do something, anything or maybe nothing. Either way it's all good and I'm loving every second of it.

Every direction is yours

I haven't written anything since April. That's a pretty substantial amount of time to not let my brain leak all over the screen. Let me catch you up on what's happened since my last post.

1) After being told I was getting promoted back in December, the company I slaved for moved me over and then I shortly gave my notice I was leaving. 

2) I signed up for classes at the local community college near my home. 

3) Said company asked me if I wanted to work part time and go to school. I declined.

4) I thought I was getting paid out for the rest of my "paid time off" that I thought I earned over the 5 years I slaved there. I was wrong. It's was less than 1/2 of what I was expecting. I cried. I yelped. I was emotional on how I allowed myself to stay with such a toxic company for so long. I told them to quit emailing me for I was no longer helping them out, out of the kindness of my heart. And they sent me a cease and desist letter. Ha! I laughed and took the yelp review down immediate. I actually had forgotten about it by the time they emailed me. But NOT before it went viral throughout the whole company. Ya, they can suck it!

5) I'm unemployed. I'm a student. I'm a housewife. I've never written so many papers in my life. I don't like washing dishes but there are beer growlers in my dishwasher. I like not working!!!! It's a blast. 

What I've learned through all that has happened in the last 3 months. I need to continue to let things go. I tried to continue my kick ass, doing everything mentality after I left my jobby job and it just wasn't jiving with my new life. I get my homework done, I do housework, I'll walk the dog and then I can do whatever I want. That even includes nothing!!! Which I have taken a liking to. mmmmm nothing. 

I try not to spend money that I don't need to. I stay local. I try and see friends when I can but everyone's life is so busy especially compared to mine that I don't force it. If things fall together then they do. If not I'm chosen not to let it get to me. 

I have fallen out of love with running. I can only look at the same stuff so many times. Maybe I'll start again after school, when I'm not feeling so lazy. I don't workout and I don't care. I'm the same size I have been for a few years. All my clothes fit, for the most part, and I'm at peace with that. 

People have noticed a change in my face, that I look happier and less stressed, because I totally am. Yes, I think about the future because I have NO plans. I've never not had plans. It's quite strange. I'm letting God lead me where he may. I know he'll bless me as I choose to bless those around me. My dog has become insanely attached to having me around and I find it adorable. 

Here's to letting go!!!!

Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

True you vs. other's feelings

With each post I try to let all of you into little parts of my life, who I was, who I am and who I want to be. From the outside, I tried to look like I had to all together and that I was totally in control. The truth was that inside I was a bowling ball of emotional reckoning and obsessive control. One of my puppet tricks was to tell people what they wanted to hear in just a way to get a desired action or result from them. Now before you start judging me like I'm an evil doer, I was actually the opposite. I would use my super mind controlling powers for good. Later in my life I found out that I was actually putting other people's lives and feelings ahead of my own. I was acting in a manner that kept me in the background along with my feelings. I was used to putting other people first and sometimes that can be a good thing, most of the times its not.

After my 2nd....yes 2nd emotional/mental breakdown around the age of 17 I decided to stop putting everyone's feelings above my own. I didn't go insane and write everyone off, I was just able to freely speak my mind and openly express what I was feeling. Let me just say it felt.....AMAZING!!! I got out of my own way. I was so concerned about the turkeys in my life and I was restricting my own. From that point I knew who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to act was solely in my control and NO ONE was going to stop me (moowahahaha). Now I can't say that it wasn't all rainbows & butterflies.
My new found self was not without some push back, but the best part of being me at this point was my lack of qualms blowing people out of the water. I had been a doormat and been taken advantage of for so long that I have some seriously deep seeded resentment built up and coming out of me at a strong and steady stream. Poke the bear.....lose a hand.

I eventually leveled off and made hundred's of friends around me that appreciated my kindness, compassion and ass-kicking bad-ass-ness. I would have never created myself to be as awesome as I could possibly be if I didn't lose my mind first.

If you ever feel that no one is hearing you, open your mouth a little bigger and let the heaven's hear you. If after that there's still no change, time to change direction. I don't suggest burning bridges unless you never want someone in your life, but I have found sometimes it's necessary. I've burned quite a few in my life and I have NO regrets for it. We are not meant to friends, lovers or even acquaintances with everyone you meet. You will not mesh with everyone. Even those who you have some sort of connection, whether emotion or physical, might not stay in your life.

The only thing that you can control is you. The great you that needs to always stay true to yourself. The you that can only make you great! Stay True Blue to You!

Forever me, forever you, Merry Ms Berry