get a guy? or get the right guy?

First you have to decide what kind of emotional state you are in. I found that with myself I needed to be in a certain frame of mind when getting a guy and which kind of guy did I want. There had been times where I just wanted some attention but was not looking for anything close to a relationship. And then there were times when I was ready to be in a relationship again. I know there are people in the world where they just want to be in relationships all the time. I've even been put into a position where I didn't want to be in a relationship but somehow got manipulated into one. How, I blame alcohol but that's another story.

So, what do you want? Say it out loud and remember what you say, because more than likely you are going to get exactly that.

For those who want to find and end up with Mr. Right, instead of Mr. Right now, listen up.

Be------your------self! Be yourself!

Do the things you love and try to make friends with those you have the same interests. Or try new things that you want to there or would like in a potential mate. When you talk to new people, be yourself, be yourself, be yourself.

That doesn't matter if you're over the top, slightly shy, clumsy or can't dress yourself. Don't you want someone to fall in love with you for you? I have a whole list of things that you can do to just "get a guy" or girl for that matter. But if there are not things you would naturally do, that you are catching someone on false pretenses. Also, being yourself right off the back weeds out the people who are not good for you right away.

Is it just good on paper?

From the book I was reading to a yahoo.com article that popped up on my homepage, today's topic was destined to be explored. Do love and compatibility go hand and hand, and do they have to?

We all want to be accepted for who we are and be given the opportunity to grow into ourselves. But how do we grow if we don't struggle through something? The article that I read was about being content in a relationship with no passion, but how do you find that passion without having to enter drama into your life or end up looking ungrateful for the love you are already receiving?

Is it wrong to not want to fight? Just because you  do fight does that mean you love each other or does it mean you don't get along? This subject can be so touchy because there is no fine line that dictates what side you are on. Also, passion in the beginning of a relationship doesn't stay and wears many different faces as the relationship grows with time. How do you know you are in a passionless relationship? Was it like that in the beginning? Do love the one you are with or do love the situation you have come accustomed to?

I myself do not have answers to all these questions. I, too, have fears that one day I could be in "that" place because no one is safe. We all want to be looked at with adoring eyes for the rest of our lives, is that capable or only in romance novels?

I can tell you one thing. I was in one of "those" passionless relationships. He was my best friend but more like my brother than a lover. He never fought because he was rational to my emotional. He let me be me anytime I wanted to be me but it wasn't nothing more than that. When things progressed I backed off. I felt something inside keeping me from wanting more, moving forward and ultimately falling in love. Though, I miss my friend, he deserved a love I was unable to give him as a lover. He was a great boyfriend and a fun person to be around. I was not the demanding, push comes to shove kind of person he might have needed. I, too, need someone to keep me grounded, focused and wanting more of.

Those who truly love us want us to be the best we can be. Most of us need encouragement, a little nudge or a nagging ear (or a swift kick in the ass). If you are just going through the motions and find yourself living in the love of just grey, time to start in fire in your heart.

Keep loving, Merry Ms Berry

good, great or content?

How do we ever know we are in the right place at the right time? Are with the person that we are meant to be with forever? Are we in the right career? Do we know the right people? Do we ever know for sure what these answers are?

I don't think so.

We are where are supposed to be at this very moment because that's it. It's called having Faith. As for being in a relationship that will last the test of time, even being a married woman, I can't say that I have it. It's not that I don't love my husband and I want us to grow old together, but we don't know what might happen tomorrow. None of us do.

As for those who are looking to get married and start families, I believe that you already know deep in your heart you are or aren't with the person you are destined to be with. But I only speak from personal experience. From my very first date, I knew I was going to marry my hubby. All the other times marriage was ever brought up to me, I would have a panic attack, or get sick to my stomach, there was always something keeping me from moving forward. Now, I was engaged when I was at the young age of 20, but it fell apart. On top of when the time came for me to move to another state for him, I just couldn't bring myself to do so.  Everything happens for a reason. If I would have forced myself to get married, I'm sure I would already be divorced.

I pose this question to the people who are in relationships that want to know if they are in the right relationship. If this relationship happened in  your early twenties, would you marry that person? Take away the outside factors of age & biological clocks.

Deep down inside I knew I would find Mr. Right and it didn't matter how many Mr. Wrongs I had to go through. My "gut" knew who he was, so until that point, I had no problems saying good bye to Mr. Wrong. Things end for a reason. I've tried looking back to see if I missed an opportunity, but each time I did I was harshly reminded why things ended the way they did. Strongly reinforcing my decision to move on.

With this, are you happy now? If not, what are you going to do to change it? Only are you in control of whether or not you are happy.

Loving you! MerryMsBerry

Would you want you?

Take a step back and put yourself in someone else's shoes. If you are pining away for someone to settle down with, would you settle down with you? What kind of person do you want to be with and are you the person that will fulfill the needs of that person?

Too many times I see my young friends, living a carefree life hoping from one relationship to another, with not a care in the world. But as we get older, doubt sets in and the dreaded "biological clock" starts ticking in their ears. Settle or continue the search? If you've been a relationship for a long period of time (ie greater than 4 years) are you going to continue to wait around for more with the hopes that it will happen because 1) you've put the time in your deserve it or 2) all that time and you don't want to have to start over in fear of more time you have to wait or 3) will you find someone else?

I myself have never bothered to entertain those desperate feelings of being alone and scared that I would end up by myself. For some reason I knew that I would get married and have a family. How, I don't know how except for I had a dream that I was with "the one" and since I wasn't there yet, I had time. I believe you are given little signals all around to help ease your heart & mind. Also, I was engaged at 20 to my first love, and if he wanted to marry me and that ended, in my mind it meant that I was marrying material and I just haven't found "him" yet. So when I was single I lived like I was and didn't worry about the next person. I was single for a reason, so let the fun begin. Of course, I toyed with the thoughts of, I wonder if this is the guy or not. I guess we'd have to wait and see. But if he wasn't I had no qualms moving on. Why waste time if you already know you're not meant to be. I'm not a stage 5 clinger and I think that's one thing that intrigues guys.

Guy want to be in control. Deep down they want to take care of their women. Well....most men do. I know a few that like to be babied like their mothers did for them. Ya, no thanks. But if you are so desperate to get married and have children, don't you think you might be wearing that in your eyes, ultimately taking control away from your guy. Yes, its good to be open and honest about what you want in your life, but is the clock ticking so loud that the rest of the world can hear it?

Love you! MerryMsBerry

Just not "feeling it"?

Everyone has heard the sayings "everything happens for a reason" and "listen to your gut", but here is exactly how and why. A lot of times, especially if you have been burned by a few bad relationships we think that our "gut" might be broken when a lot of times its on high alert. Also when people say they are "keeping their walls up", it is also another defense mechanism that our bodies have. Believe or not your body know what is good for it and what's not, that goes for people in your life, too.

A simple example is when I was ready to date again and this guy I started talking to wanted to progress a relationship quicker than I was ready for. Even though it was a nice ego boost to have someone want me that badly, I still feel rushed and manipulated into something I didn't want. Something just didn't feel right. I had my walls up and I thought if I make this guy jump through hoops he would lose interest and move on his way. Leaving me to keep my distance. But it just got worse from there. It seemed like I broke up with him every 30 days because he was freaking out about me being me. I couldn't get rid of him. Somehow he played on my weak points and let him stay around. I was physically getting sick to my stomach (note), and was losing weight from the stress & my ulcer flaring up (note) and I looked like death warmed over (pale note). I was on edge all the time, my nerves were shot and I jumped everything my phone rang. Ya, he became psycho-stalker dude.

If I had listened to what my body was saying in the beginning, during and even at the end, I would not have had to put myself through all the horribleness of what that psycho did to me. But I endured and came out on top in the end. Why? Because I rock. Jk! Actually I have some amazing friends and family that helped me through it. And it was awesome to learn how the legal system worked (note).

As for "everything happening for a reason"... I had to go through all that pain, torture and the loss of so many friends only to end up finding my soul-mate hubby because of it. Sometimes I think God makes you go through some of the hardest things in the world to watch you fight through it and in the end reward you with the best gift of all, LOVE. Whether love from others or love for yourself. God & your body have Their ways of getting through to you. Listen to them. Just people it might logically look good on paper doesn't mean it mean to be. (Ooooo more of that to come)

Keepin' my eye on you with <3, MerryMsBerry

Just Communicate

With the age of technology at its most advanced, it seems that people are using less face time to communicate but more time to communicate via email, text message, facebook, instant message (Gchat is my fav) and I've even sent voice messages as an mms. Here's what I found. We are so busy trying to keep our heads above water that we don't always have the chance to communicate face to face which is just fine but that doesn't mean our feelings are any less important and that any mode of communication is less effective than the next. They are all equally wonderful tools, catering to each individual person. (hmm.....video blog berry?)

Hubby and I had a miscommunication the other day and yes we are still learning as a married couple how to learn about one another. I work downtown and he works 2 miles from home, so there is ample time for me to sit and fester in my own bitterness, all the while I have no idea what is going on in his head. I am one that loves to love. I like to make people happy and when the one I love is not happy I take it personally, like I am not a good friend or wife. Even though I should know better not to think like that because hubby is his own man and his emotions are only in his control, I want him to be happy. 

While at work (festering), I really needed to convey how I was feeling about the past few days but its hard while sitting in the middle of an office of nosey people. We were on a rollercoaster of emotions and it started to negatively effect me. Now hubby is able to just blurt out whatever is on his mind which I'm glad he's able to. As for myself, I think I am still working through communication issues with past relationships that are keeping me from just letting everything in my head and heart go. There are times where I've offended hubby with just being me, so I am trying to find the balance. So, I did want I know how to do best.....type!

In a series of 3 email, each getting shorter than the next I blurted out everything that I was feeling. The first email was the roughest and most raw, but it had to be. The next 2 emails were the softer parts of me explaining the necessity of the first one and then how my girl feelings were getting to me. And ya know what.....towards the end of the day he called and he saw where I was coming from and we were able to smooth out our issues because all the cards were on the table. It was extremely productive and it felt great to get everything out and discussed without the feelings of hurt, defensiveness or betrayal. 

Now if I would have waited to get home to try and have this discussion with him, I know for a fact that it would get blown totally out of proportion, especially since my first email was on the aggressive, killer side of my emotions. He would have acted out in defense and nothing would have gotten solved and there's a good chance I would have thrown a shoe at his smart mouth. 

Moral of today's blog......get it out there. It doesn't matter how it gets there, just get it there. Whether phone call, text message, email or carrier pigeon. Feelings and emotions need to be expressed or they will eat you from the inside out, I KNOW THIS for a fact. My ulcer will tell you the story at another time. 

Loveloves! Merry Ms Berry

getting lost

Just like I told you the day before, I am human. I try to be the best me that I can be, (and not in the Army or Navy, whichever commercial that may be), nothing more nothing less. I try to treat people with respect the best way I know how. I do have issues with when I feel like I'm not being appreciated or I get verbally attacked. I actually kinda lose my head a little bit. I've been very good about leaving the room and keeping my mouth shut. I am not always able to communicate when I'm emotional and I don't always that something catchy or witty to say back. Nevertheless, I push down those feelings of being hurt to avoid a fight. If I said everything that came to mind (and I used to) I would probably in a fight all the time, whether with my husband, friends or co-workers. I am at a point in my life where I've realized that most people just don't care. They are going to do whatever they want to, with no regard to others feelings. I am not, nor will I ever be, one of those people.  Now if someone crosses the line, I make it a point to express my feelings and observations of that, because sometimes some people do need to be put in their place.

I am at a point today emotionally where I am not sure where to go. It's hard for me to want to love others when the love that I'm seeking is not available. And it's not that there isn't love in my life through other people but I really only seek the love and approval from one particular person, and right now, I'm not feeling what I thought I should.

So, I'll do what I do best. I wrote an email. I have a knack of the written word, removed from emotion but no-so-removed that you can't feel where I'm coming from with love or the occasional dig. Yes, its passive aggressive. Yes, its me figuratively running the other way without confrontation but ya know what, I am starting to hate confrontation. I hate fighting. I only like going into battles that I can win, and that's it. I'm wounded and confused and need to focus on me for now. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If there is, I will deal with the consequences later.

MerryMsBooBerry