I'm breathing...I'm grateful....I'm joyful....

AND I'M NOT GOING TO STAB ANYONE RIGHT NOW!

I said "not".

I'm just having a moment. It's one of those days that one small inconsiderate person does an inconsiderate thing and as much as it shouldn't bother me, its still does.

I have so much more going for me in life. I truly live a blessed life and I need to beat that into my head because getting pissed off at someone stupid and NOT a team player at work is NOT worth the energy. I guess that's why I have my blog....to vent.

Whether or not you read this. Whether or not you even care, I'm still able to all of the BS ramblings in my brain out.

Oh well...I'm breathing, I'm breathing. oooooaaaammmmmm!

I'm calm.

I'm grateful.

I'm blessed.

You're blessed.

Stupid coworker can shove it.

I love my dog. I love my husband. I am blessed to have them both in my life. I love my family. I'm grateful for having a job. I'm blessed knowing 98% of my other coworkers appreciate me. I work hard. I am able to play hard. I love that I can run, jump, grab, see, hear and yell. I am in tip top working order and it makes me happy. I'm healthy, smart, funny, empathetic, genuine and compassionate. I have vehicles that drive beautifully, a home that keeps me warm or cool, enough of everything to meet all my needs.  I'm also blessed to live in a country where I'm allowed to be whiny, emotional, make mistakes and keep living a great life.

So....with that said. I'm done having my moment. I'm clearing out things in my life that don't need my attention. And now I have one more person to add to the list.

Blessingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Dreams and Readings

After sitting with my mom and sister, I come to find out that I'm really the only one that learns, listens and tries to figure out the bigger meaning in dreams. It happens more times than not when I need to be learning something from my dreams. Most of the time it's about letting go of past hurts.

One case in point is that I was recently told that I need to let go of some grudges. I was always one to forgive, forget and move forward but as I had gotten older it became harder and harder for me to be as compassionate. One reason was because I believe that as we age we should be getting wiser and more conscious of ourselves and those around us. Little did I know that not everyone thinks like I do, and that we live in a very selfish and self-centered world. Not everyone but more than I care for.

One earlier blog was about an ex-best friend and how just being friends with me changed the course of her life a few times. I, also, come to learn that my empathy and compassion for people are rare gifts that not everyone has or understand....ya that kinda blew my mind. So, with keeping that in mind I had a dream that the ex-bff was in, we were back to being friends, were training for a marathon together and even had dinner with her and her significant other. It was a nice dream and I woke up feeling good. I know dreams like these are meant to tell me to let go of any bad feelings that I have with people in my past. I get it. Come to think of it, I really did enjoy having the spazz-monkey as a friend. It sucks the way everything fell apart the way it did. I later went into a new relationship, and she did too. So I'm guessing we needed to be apart to focus on our respective "soon to be" husbands.

It's not like I have a lack of people in my life and losing one friend is going to destroy my world. On the contrary it gives me the room and energy to focus on those still in my life, or just make room for new people to enjoy.

So, to my past friend. I'm sorry that everything went down the way it did. Everything happens for a reason. I forgive you for focusing on your true love and I forgive myself for letting myself feel so hurt.  I wish you no ill will. Take care of my old friend and may you live out each other's lives in bliss.

Epiphanily yours, Merry Ms Berry

Letting go and letting yourself fall apart

Life is all about give and take, come and go, live and die. It's called the circle of life for a reason. It brings balance, change and existence. I know this. I am the biggest advocate for change. BUT not when it comes to those in my life that I love. From the past to the present, I've had to let people go and soon I'll have to learn how to live without my best friend Zoey.

Zoey is turning 11 years old next month and even now I'm noticing changes in her personality. Ok, hold on. This is Zoey (see below)

She is the most wonderful, kind, smart, compassion and spunky little creature that I have in my life. She's been there for me to kiss away my tears, play with, talk to and chase the world around us. She came to me from a relationship that was so hard to walk away from, that pieces of my heart are still gone because of it. She's the last piece of my past that I have closest to my heart and thinking about losing her with age is breaking me apart. Even as I type this, it's through tears.

Being a lover of all sorts, when I put my heart into someone, whether human or animal, I put my whole heart into it. I fall in love hard, and fall apart just as hard. It's the Scorpio in me. I know one day I won't hysterically cry about Zoey when she's gone, but the thought of that ever happening is so unthinkable and incomprehensible to me right now.

But now trying to emotionally brace myself to let Zoey go is going to be the hardest thing that I will ever do. I wish I could clone but that doesn't even guarantee a replica. She's my puppy and my first child of sorts. It was me and her against the world for the longest of time. I am blessed to have years left with her and from day one I've always appreciated her and loved her as much as she would let me. Even when I lived without her for a year, I drove 50 miles one way, every week to spend time with her.

Just when you think you have everything figured out, throw in another broken heart. Love those you love. Tell, show and touch them. We are all forced to let go of someone we love. While we are together, let them know that they are your world and letting go will never mean forgetting.

Emotionally yours, Merry Ms Berry

Snoopy McNosey

dig dig dig and dig some more!

That's what I love about the internet!! There's so much information on hand at any given moment, enough to make your head spin. I absolutely love it!!! <3

You never know what or "who" you might come across.

Being me, I love to look, dig, read, contemplate, reminisce, dissect, reflect and move on. Whether I'm learning about the universe or "stumbling upon" people from my past I always try and see the bigger picture and how everything is relatively tied together in one way or another.

So my bigger question now is, do people seek me out like I seek them? Ok, I'm not some stalker, looking for people who have scorned me, what a waste of time that would be. But even though Chicago(land) is 8 million people, I have a knack of running into people I know all the time and finding fun information about all my friends, past or present, that I enjoy reading. We all shouldn't be in the gossip circle but if you are putting stuff out onto the internet then your ramblings are fair game, just like me own.

Are there people that I have scorned that have found me via internet and check in on me? If I didn't do it I would have never reconnected with my bestie Blondie. We didn't have a falling out, just a parting of ways and I missed her after awhile.

I use my life, past and present, as material for my blog. I love my blog!!! It gives me power to have the world help me see the connections from one experience to another. How awesome is that?!?! Do people that I use as examples know it's them? I am very good about not using people's names because you know who you are if you ever find the post about you.

I guess this is just one of those "I'm going to ramble out of my own vanity" posts, just to watch myself type and hear myself in my own head. Yes, I'm all about me when it's just me to be about. Ok, sometimes more. I love my friends, I would give them the world if I could. To my enemies, which I don't have too many, thank you for the material. I hope I can put a funny spin of your fuck ups, as I always put a great spin on my own.

If you're balls are brass, please leave a comment. Let me know you exist.

Universally, Merry Ms Berry

I love this song

What I've Done

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve donePut to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Without me...

I have to laugh at myself and how crazy my brain works. Anyone woman will agree to how our spiderweb thought patterns form. One nano second you're thinking about getting new socks and then next you're thinking about your ex-best friend stabbing you in the back. It's just one of those things.

Have you ever thought how important you are to this world? Without you, so many things would be different in so many people's lives. We truly live in a world of butterfly effects.

The reason I bring this up as my mind spiderwebs across a million little things and I "stumble upon" a blog of a certain someone I burned a bridge many years ago. As I cruise her blog I cannot but help but take credit for a lot of her happiness. I bet you she doesn't see it that way. But the light from that burned bridge lights the way for many.  Well, she started the bridge on fire, I just threw unlit dynamite into the fire. Hey, what do you want from me? When I burn a bridge, I make sure it can't be rebuilt.

This particular person was a very close friend of mine, meeting when we were 18 years old. I want you to see how a friend like you or me has many rewards for others. This is the "if it weren't for me" game. I've walked that dark line of feeling unworthy and useless, and these little games reminded me that though I might not have achieved world greatness (yet) God still loves me and I make a great impact.

Check it out:

If if weren't for me:

She would have never met a whole new group of nice friends (away from gang life)

She would have never met her boyfriend P. and the decide to run away to Florida

Where in Florida she married husband D.

When things fell apart, she missed Chicago, I flew down and drove her and her stuff back (on my dime)

Back home to a whole new group of my friends.

Where she met my ex-boyfriend, who was a good friend of mine.

Who she got drunk with and "hooked up" with.

Who she fell for and eventually married.

In the midst of all that, over 8 years, I was always there for her, giving her anything she needed, friends, money, support and entertainment from the industry I ran. All this and she used me, turned her back when I needed her most and hurt my other friends' feelings (not just my own feelings) for her own self gain. (Not to mention all the people she tried and did actually hook up with in the process. Can we say skanky?)

I giggle to myself that I became her enemy out of her selfish reasons but if not for me her life would have gone a different direction. It's all good. I am the main reason she is where she is and with who she is with and that makes me happy. Do I think she's a good person, not really. Did I lose out on anything, not really. She helped make room for the real friends in my life and I am grateful for that.

This is just 1 example of how 1 person can make a different in a person's existence. I'm blessed how everything turned out because in the end when I lost everything and everyone I found my husband. She made room for the love of my life.  So here's to the butterfly effect and how truly important you are in this world. If you weren't here, I don't where the rest of us would be.

Effectively yours, Merry Ms Berry

The Most Dangerous place to be

is stuck in your own mind.

So. I know it's been awhile since I've written anything. In the last couple of months I've been battling an emotional war in my head. It's a horrible place to be. I had put myself in a conundrum of heart ache and confusion. For a Scorpio like me, that's a tough place to be because I really only know how to deal with one emotion at a time. Only being able to deal with one emotion at a time means that when I'm sad, I'm really sad. When I'm happy, I'm really happy.....and so on. So you can imagine the torment I have been putting myself through.

Here's the quick low down. Hubby and I are working through some communication issues and we have come through better on the other side. We lost site of being a couple and started drifting apart. Feelings got hurt, people got defensive and lines were drawn. Either we both are doing this, or we are both NOT doing this. Everyone tells me that every marriage goes through something like this, and I'm not above the norm. We are moving forward and the walls that I have built are slowly coming down. The Berry household is more at peace than it has been in months.

Now, with that being said...now for the reason for this post and the conclusions I have come to.

Being in that sad, heart broken state of mind, I tend to reminisce, lament and stalk my past. I beat myself up, asking myself if I should have done something different. I miss the great things that I once had, totally forgetting the pain tied to all of it. I was missing my first love. When things were good, we were amazing. When things were bad........restraints had to be used. Ya, it was one of those relationships. And I feel sorry for those around me that had to witness it.

The man in question is a good person. Deep down inside he's just a hurt guy trying to figure shit out. Even though we never got back together, we never let go of one another. There was a lot of pushing away and then wanting certain attention. But here's the thing about the entire mess.....I was idolizing the good parts and ignoring what was really going on. Since I was in a bad place, I didn't want to see more bad and I just accentuated the good. Then I realized that it never worked for "us" because he didn't want it to work, I didn't fight for it to work, and we were just using each other like drugs. A quick high, no real effort, a miserable crash and then we went on with our lives slightly fulfilled until the next time. This happened every.single.time! He's the ultimate bad boy and I was the unattainable female friend of everyone. Too much would have to happen for us to ever be right for each other. WhatthefuckwasIthinking? He used me and I used him. How horrible is that?

So laying in my bed this hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around my freshly painted room, in my home that I share with a man that is fighting for me. A man that has enough crazy to keep me on my toes, but has enough sense to see what he has in front of him.

Do I miss the great times, yes? But those times came with crashes to the planet so hard that I was left a broken person. So broken that even when crying on his hands and knees, begging to take him back I had nothing left inside to give. I was empty and didn't have the love for myself, let alone love for him. And this, by his hand nonetheless. How could one miss something like that? Well, it's possible. That's why your mind can be your worst enemy but also your greatest savior.

Here's to the present!

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry