Lord help me....wait

Lord help those all around me. Okay okay, help me too. But please help those around me first. I'm doing great right now.

I have this unique ability to step back into people's lives when they need me most. I am not totally sure if it's the other way around, though. I've learned to accept that I have a talent of taming the crazy. People get crazy or overly emotional when they got stuck in their own bubble. I will pop your bubble. The world is a big place, don't forget to look around and see it. 'POP'

This post is really not about much. Maybe more of a little update to the present. I have reconcided my friendship with a cousin not a day after her boyfriend broke up with her. She had told me that after I had written her off last year, things kinda just spiraled down into the darkness. Now I'm not sure if that means I lit the way for her while I was around, or if I was the first domino to fall. Either way I hope she's taking a step back to see the world for what it is. Just a turn of a single page into the next chapter of her life.

I have decided NOT to reconcile a relationship with a different cousin. But she took her 2 kids and moved across the country to be by her mother and make something of herself. I wish her the best.

Hubby and I are the closest we've been in years. Ya ya, I know I talk about relationships and love a lot, but I never once said I had a perfect marriage. Quite the contrary. We have both been playing active role to strengthen our marriage but it always went by the wayside. I was kinda miserable for a bit and kept fighting through it....alone. Well, I put my foot down and popped his bubble. So far, every day is a little more fabulous. 

What else can I tell you? We've been to Las Vegas, we're going to Sedona, Arizona. We've hacked a tree in the front of the house and we are having house guests that got us Ryder Cup tickets. But I'm not going because I want hubby & one of his best friends to have a good time. Right now is a time where I get to coast. It's so weird, not to be fighting against something.

I get to work out, run, be healthy and focus on just being happy. Yay me! I wish everyone gets to experience a break like this. I think we're planning on the whole baby business next month, so cross your fingers and maybe I'll get to blog out shananagins in baby making.

So, with a whole lotta nothing really being said. I wish all of you a wonderful day! May you be blessed with little fabulous experiences and may you smile the entire time.

Lovingly, Merry Ms Berry

Disintegrating evil

When  I see my "frienemies" look like crap, I feel vindicated!!! HA! Says the little evil voice in my head.

When I see my "frienemies" doing well I actually wish them well and the evil melts away. What the hell is that all about?

You would think that I would wish them ill, but that's not how I roll. I would never wish harm against another person....(ok 99.99% of the time I wouldn't. There's always an exception.) Here's the thing about that. Why would I want to wish anyone harm? If their life is out of balance and they are causing harm to others, then the universe will balance itself out and the Lord above will right the wrongs. I do not concern myself with stuff like that.  I'm really not evil. Sweet justice comes to me in the form of extra time for myself.

With that being said I came across a recent picture of an old frienemy. New hair, nice makeup, good picture, looks like she lost some weight, too. I, truly, was happy for her. Before when she look hagered, my first thoughts were "HA, you get what you deserve." But in the same light, she looked good. She gets what she deserves and it looked like she was worked hard for it.

It was such a strange feeling. Do I want to be this girl's friend again....not really. Burn me once...shame on me.....you know the rest blah blah blah. But it did make me email a friend I had a blow up with last year. I felt all warm and mushy inside and needed to direct sad mushiness to a friend. Now, I haven't gotten a response but it is what it is.

Here's the thing about me, which most people who know me already know this, when I cut you out of my life...it's pretty much....FOR....EVER! I don't just have this little tiff and part ways. I cut deep, I burn bridges and hold a celebratory vigil for the deceased bodies left on the ground from the tongue lashings, and then saunter away with a swishing ponytail. Sound cruel? You bet it is. Does this happen a lot? Of course not. You really have to go out of your way to intentionally hurt me for any of that to happen. So when it does, watch out for fireworks. Outside of that I love each of my friends like they're my besties. Everyone is individually awesome and I treat them as such. Some realize that, some don't. It doesn't bother me either way.

So here's to the anger melting away from my heart. I thank God helping me lett it all go, wishing nothing but the best for others and here's to those who I still have in my heart.

Squeeshingly yours, Merry Squeesh Berry

Throwing it out there.

and let me know what you think.

I often talk about things that are happening around me or have happened in the past. I dissect, ponder and reflect on all the little pieces that come together to make today. Well, how about tomorrow?

I know what I love, I know what I would want, but beknowst to me I am not exactly sure how to get there. I've been told by spiritual messengers that I will get all my hearts desires and truly get to live a wonderful life that I seek to live. Being me I want to make it happen now, but I also know that being patient in itself is part of the journey.

I want to be home.

I want to play all the time.

I want to be out in the world learning with people who are wanting to learn with me.

I love watching kids learn. Watching their little faces figuring things out, always wanting more. I was like that as a kid and I can see my love for it in others.

I want to paint, write, run, jump, climb, create, dance, sing, laugh, get dirty, build things, cook, bounce and make people smile. I'm good at a lot of these things, so why not get to do it all the time?

Will I be able to last the rest of the year in the concrete jungle? I want to, but I don't. There are things that be better if I do. I think that's what I'll plan for. 5 more months and then I take charge into letting the world change around me.

Curiously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Rag Doll livin' in a Movie

Aerosmith, I love you! I was talking with a coworker about my professional standing with my company. The funny part about me being here is that I am the lowest man on the totem pole but if I'm gone for 1 day the whole support staff is completely thrown off. Personally I think it's hilarious, but it also makes me feel good inside. This discussion with my supervisor was about my past offerings within this company and what might future might hold here. I had made a comment that I am the company rag doll. It's bittersweet to say the least.

I am the favorite toy that everyone counts on to be there for emotional days, pick me up or to solve some random problem. But when all is right with the world, I am cast off to the side not to be noticed one way or another, in a heap on the floor. On one hand, people come to me when the need me. But on the other hand, I am less appreciated when "out of sight out of mind" comes into play. It really doesn't bother me as much as it should and here's why. I am totally left up to my own devices. I get my work done here which makes people leave me alone and not question what I do. Also, with my work done, the free time that I do create for myself, I am rewarded by being able to write to you, scour the wonders of the information highway (internet) and shop my little hearts desire away (which needs to end).

So here's to being me. Though I feel being a working city girl has outlived its life in my heart, I will appreciate it as long as possible. Hopefully, soon you will be reading lovely posts from where I sit under a tree, feeling the sun's warmth, watching a child near by playing in the same sun.

Then I will be a rag doll no more.

Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

You are a gift of God's.

All of us are! You better take care of you.

The Lord give and the Lord hath taketh away.

Everything in this world comes back to appreciation and acceptance.

A lot has happened since I've written last. From Senor Douche Bag dying to another Colorado killing spree There's been a lot of "awakenings" happening all over the world. With the use of the WorldWideWeb we are able to see and feel so much about what's going on.

I look back and see that if you are unappreciative enough of something it will be taken away from you. I'm not saying the friends of family didn't appreciate those poor people in the Batman movie, but maybe as a society as a whole is unappreciative and God sent us a little message.

My ex-psychopath recently passed away, by this own hands nonetheless. No he didn't blow out his brains or slits his wrists, he might as well have, though. He was a "professional" eating contest "winner" (binge eating, isn't gluttony a sin?), at least pack a day smoker, binge drinker, a compulsive liar and bulimic. Now if you add all those things up, its very taxing on a soul, let alone a body. He hated himself so much from the inside out that his heart (beating lump of coal) gave out and he passed into his maker's arms (whether it's a God or the devil, I'll never know but I can guess).

Along with my own revelations. I was stuck in my own head, miserably wanting what other people had and completely forgetting to look around me. I have so much. I am so blessed. There are people out there with so much less, how dare I get envious of things I don't have. Shame on me! It took me days without access to my life back home to see how blessed that I truly am. It could have all been taken away from me and THANK GOD SO MUCH IT WASN'T.

My cousin is an example. She cries "Why me? Why me?" because she can't run marathons anymore due to a car accident. Well at the time she was completely spoiled, mean and ungrateful about all her blessings and God knocked her down a couple notches. Also, she was given a financially blessing and blew threw it. Each to their own choices and what lessons they learn from them.

These things I thing about and ponder. Do other people think about this stuff the way I do. What would have happened if I was someone's mistake? How about you? Are there really mistakes to begin with? Everything happens for a reason. We usually don't know those reason until down the road. We can only live and love each day as it comes. Who knows what tomorrow brings, if it will even come.

This is a lot of rambling, most of it not even about my life. To those in this blog, some that will divinely see this, some that will never lay eyes across this, whatever we have it is what it is. Be grateful and love where you are and you will be blessed with more.

Gratefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

The Path less noticed.

I was told that my purpose is to work with kids and having babies. So simple and yet so profound to me. I am a big kid. I love to have fun. I love to make things fun. Life is way too short not to try and have fun in all that you do. I've been like that my whole life. Why would anyone not want to have fun with everything? I was told the my path is there so stop looking and lusting after something more.

A few business ventures I was a part of fell out of my life. Logically they made sense but over time they never really settled in my heart and I wasn't having fun with them. So like most things when it still failed after heart wrenching fights, I let them go. But here's the thing about that. I only left bad for a day and then I felt free.

In conversations when people let certain aches in their life go, it frees them. It gives them peace in their heart. I let go of the idea that I had to "find", "search" or hunt down my path, so that when I found it, I would know. But just like in dating, when you stop looking someone gets dropped into your lap. (also during this reread I realized I'm already on my path so just stop seeking).

So here I am. I am still intrigued on how my life will start to unravel and reveal itself to me. I no longer search on how it will happen. Nor do I know how I will actually be working with kids. It could be in a million different ways from mentoring to art. Who knows? He, the One, knows and that's all I need to know.

I haven't felt so free in such a long time. I've always been one to handle my life. To make every little decision. Also, at the same time I let the wind take me where it wanted. In each experience I learned so much about not only myself, but those in the world around me. Those who try and control every little thing in their world and the world around them end up miserable. But those who just let the universe flow in, out and around them are the happiest. I've been knowing and relearning these principles for 20 years now. And time and time again I have to be reminded. LET GO!

I want the world to accept me, but first I have to accept the world. I am no more in control of anything except getting up, brushing me teeth, feeding the dog and putting on a smile. I will do what I love, whatever randomness that may be. I'll sit in silence and watch the world drive itself mad. I will love those around me. I will let the universe flow the life it wants me to have. And yes, I will continue to blog it all.

Universely yours, Merry Ms Berry

Realizations

It's not supposed to be killer hard to live life. We make it harder on ourselves then it really needs to be. We all do it.

God giveth and God taketh away.

These words constantly rings in my ears.

I had gotten away from the "silver lining game" I grew up with. If you don't appreciate something, it will either leave or be taken away from you. It's a pretty simple concept. I was told these words and it hit me hard. Yes, I was willing to give it all away even though I didn't want to. I was willing to fight for my happiness but I needed to be sure that my other half was willing to fight for his also, together.

I let the world beat me up. I listened to others gripe and let it settle in my heart. I said "why not me". Why can't I be bitter and ungrateful? Then I took a step back and had to think to myself, did I really want to lose the wonderful life I have? I fought so hard to get here. I knew I would be fine wherever I ended up. But did I want to end up somewhere else, alone?

I couldn't even tell you when or how I got off track. I did everything right to have the things that I have. And I'm not saying mansions and sports cars, but I would love me a muscle car. But I have a secure life and home with everything I need to meet my needs and have no stress tailing me. Now how many people can say that?

Why did I stop count my blessings? I guess at one point I didn't feel appreciated and the grass looked greener on the other side. But true to wonderful man fashion, hubby came back to me and started loving me how I needed it. He's wonderful. We are working on the same team. This whole marriage thing is a tough nut to crack.

So here I am. A little bit wiser. A little bit lighter. A whole lot happier. And fulfilled from within at all the blessings I'm surrounded with. I'm able to love those in my life and make them smile. Which is my favorite thing to do. I don't know what the world brings in the future but its doesn't matter. I am at peace right now with what it is. Like my Elisha says, Love never quits. It's true. Love from above, love from them, love that you have to give to yourself and love for others. It's the meaning of life. Love more, receive more. Love them, love you, love it, love love. It's like a hum of a mom rocking her baby to sleep. I could hear it all the time. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

Lovingly yours, Truly Merry Ms Berry