True you vs. other's feelings

With each post I try to let all of you into little parts of my life, who I was, who I am and who I want to be. From the outside, I tried to look like I had to all together and that I was totally in control. The truth was that inside I was a bowling ball of emotional reckoning and obsessive control. One of my puppet tricks was to tell people what they wanted to hear in just a way to get a desired action or result from them. Now before you start judging me like I'm an evil doer, I was actually the opposite. I would use my super mind controlling powers for good. Later in my life I found out that I was actually putting other people's lives and feelings ahead of my own. I was acting in a manner that kept me in the background along with my feelings. I was used to putting other people first and sometimes that can be a good thing, most of the times its not.

After my 2nd....yes 2nd emotional/mental breakdown around the age of 17 I decided to stop putting everyone's feelings above my own. I didn't go insane and write everyone off, I was just able to freely speak my mind and openly express what I was feeling. Let me just say it felt.....AMAZING!!! I got out of my own way. I was so concerned about the turkeys in my life and I was restricting my own. From that point I knew who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to act was solely in my control and NO ONE was going to stop me (moowahahaha). Now I can't say that it wasn't all rainbows & butterflies.
My new found self was not without some push back, but the best part of being me at this point was my lack of qualms blowing people out of the water. I had been a doormat and been taken advantage of for so long that I have some seriously deep seeded resentment built up and coming out of me at a strong and steady stream. Poke the bear.....lose a hand.

I eventually leveled off and made hundred's of friends around me that appreciated my kindness, compassion and ass-kicking bad-ass-ness. I would have never created myself to be as awesome as I could possibly be if I didn't lose my mind first.

If you ever feel that no one is hearing you, open your mouth a little bigger and let the heaven's hear you. If after that there's still no change, time to change direction. I don't suggest burning bridges unless you never want someone in your life, but I have found sometimes it's necessary. I've burned quite a few in my life and I have NO regrets for it. We are not meant to friends, lovers or even acquaintances with everyone you meet. You will not mesh with everyone. Even those who you have some sort of connection, whether emotion or physical, might not stay in your life.

The only thing that you can control is you. The great you that needs to always stay true to yourself. The you that can only make you great! Stay True Blue to You!

Forever me, forever you, Merry Ms Berry

Breaking Patterns. Stop being insane.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. " Albert Einstein

Ever find yourself having the same fight repeatedly? Ever seem to find yourself in the same toxic relationship but with a different person? Have you ever sat back and wondered "this again? WTF?"

Welcome to finding a pattern. They are the hardest to realize and maybe equally as hard to break if you aren't used to doing so. 

As creatures of habit, we humans get stuck in routines and ruts where we go through the motions without even realizing that we are stuck. Or we think we need to keep "working at it", "fight through it" or just plain drive ourselves insane. 

How about a few examples?

My current place of employment for the next 4 weeks is a place that I gave a lot of, not only, chances but emotions and energy. They made me feel that I had to prove myself over and over and over and fucking shoot me please. After having proved myself more than enough times that I was smart, willing and able I seemed to consistency be "put in my place" or "passed over" or just darn right dissed. But, I kept trying. I kept going. Why? Because I did have something to prove. That I was a badass and deserved to be treated as such. It wasn't until the 3rd BURN of my current career is when I realized that things are not going to change around here and that it was me that had to do the changing. BAM! I quit. Okay fine. I put my ducks in a role, made an exit plan and gave a 5 week notice. Yes, I could have done it differently and really stuck it to them but the few people that I do work with I really do like. 

Example #2. The toxic cyclical relationship

My first long term, uber serious relationship. We were toxic from the word go, and we weren't even together yet. The land of red flags but we kept trying. And then we were together, it didn't get any easier. Passionate, firey, exciting and insane? Yes! Stable, forthcoming, easy, smooth? Not a chance. He would get insecure about how I was living my life and make not only digs at me but my friends. I would get super mad break up with for a week, take him back and let the love try to continue. Love, fight, make up. Love, fight, make up. Though the "making up" was absolutely hot and awesome, the repeated times of having to "make up" was wearing. So wearing that I had no fight left in me. I had no "make up" left in me. I had to change. He said I never gave him a chance to show me he could change. Dude, seriously? Outside of the 2 years we were together there were years before that and ever years after that. It just wasn't meant to be, but I had to change it all up to really see that. 

If you don't pull yourself away from a situation you'll never know where the change needs to happen. 

If you keep doing the same thing and you always end up shitty....change. Life is about change. Pull back, reevaluate, move forward. But change is needed. 

Epically yours, Merry Ms Berry

May 15th May 15th May 15th...keep breathing. I'll make it.

If you haven't guessed it, I have chosen the date of May 15th to start my new life. As of today I am able to register for classes, but so far I am having a hard time doing it online.

In the past month or so I have slowly been setting up my little ducks in a row to change my life...FOREVER!

May 15th will be the last day that I will be at my current corporate, fancy schmancy, downtown Chicago job. I will be going back to school and have super crazy faith that everything will turn out amazingly.

I picked this date a couple of weeks ago. Then last week I was told to think about working here on a part time basis while in school. Then I had "one of those days" where my head was spinning and I crawled home emotionally wiped the fuck out. From that day on I knew I couldn't work this "Operations Assistant" draining position and effectively go back to school.

Knowing that you get to leave a job makes being here that much harder. Though I don't have to bite my tongue I still do. The few people that are my supervisors I truly do adore and then everyone else gets on my last nerve. The lack of care and common courtesy is still amazing to me. Yes, yes, I know it's one of things that's all around the world and a part of life.

Patiently I have been taking little steps to properly set myself up for success in leaving my job. From extra classes and conferences about my new life, to making sure I've set up everything at the new school or keeping my profiles updating and visually scanning for new positions everyday. All my friends and family that I talk to so far have mostly be very supportive. Of course I get the "why don't you do this, or do that?" I always say thank you but most of it doesn't sound fun to me. I need to be completely engaged and having fun.

So....soon! It's gonna be great. New chapter of my life posts to come soon.

Excitedly, Merry Ms Berry

1 step closer

My mom, who is one of my subscribers, told me that I need to add a positive twist to some of my recent posts. I have noticed that that haven't been all rainbows and unicorns lately, but I also have not been in that kind frame of mind either. Where I work sucks the life right out of me. I let it effect me more than I should. I am human and I am allowed these feelings. But my mom is, also, right where I need to find the silver lining in these parts of my life. The silver lining for me absolutely despising where I work right now is that I have chosen my exit strategy. It was the flick to the forehead that I absolutely needed to get the new part of my life rolling.

I think there might be something in the air because my Feeshfeesh is in a purgatory place of "meh". It's that grey area where you have nothing to work towards that brings you passion or happiness. You're are just kinda waiting around, waiting for lightning to strike. Sometimes you have to make your own lightning. Sometimes you have to take this down time for yourself to just relax and think. I was given the last couple of years to do just that.

I got a break from the world. I was not having babies. I was done looking for a home. I was finished unpacking. I had nothing to do except ask myself....."now what". That now what took me running. The hardest thing that I've had to try to do in a long time. And I plan to take it up again when it is a little bit warmer. Or maybe I won't. I haven't decided yet. But what I have decided is move forward away from the cement jungle back to the land of yards and driveways. Back to home. It didn't matter what I did because it was just for me. No problems. No drama. Just some simple time to myself.....outside of the whole corporate BS.

Here's my huge exit plan. Get ready...it's a doozie. Just kidding.

My first step was taking a CPR & first aid certification class. Done. Easy Peasy!
Next, go to the local community college and see if anything strikes my fancy.
Next, see what happens next.

I can wait it out and save up some money and take a month off which sounds absolutely amazing. I haven't had a month off in about 10 years. Since then I've worked either 1, 2, or 3 jobs or projects at once. Now throw in parties, boys, friends, relationships of all sorts, a marriage, moving a few times and here I am.

Okay. So here I am. Now what? Not really sure.

Ultimately I would love to be a part time child care taker, that is in school for psychology and art, with a children's book in the making, all the while loving my husband, making babies and running the neighborhood with my dog.....with money to spare. I don't see why I can't have that. I plan to be the best as what I do. It's what I do. I like that part about myself. I like being "da shit" misia-style. No one does Misia better than me.

This isn't a post that's farting out glitter, but it's also not a "pull your head out of your ass" post. It's just me. Hanging out, typing away on my Ebay laptop that I absolutely love. Who said you had to have everything figured out to move forward? Boring. I like running head first into the world and seeing if I end up unscathed.

So here's to the meh and here's to the butterflies and everything in between.

Merry Ms Berry

Mirror Mirror on my Wall

Mirror, mirror on the wall please show me what I've learned, if anything at all.

Recently I was told that a certain someone in my past, that at one point in her life was a ball of manipulating confusion, is now writing a advice blog on relationships. Being the curious cat that I am, I started to read said blog.

Her latest entry is named "#34 the year of Me". My first thoughts was....."she's always made everything about herself. How is this year any different?" As I read through what, from the untrained eye, could look like epiphanies, a coming to full awareness and enlightenment, I found myself gagging on her words. And I mean literally gagging as my $6 sub wanted to make a reappearance on my desk.

Though she "mentions" her going through trials and turbulent times at age 33, no where does she mention what she actually learned. It's one thing to appreciate the world around you, and for that I will be grateful for she was (still might be) one of the most ungrateful people I had known (hence "person from my past") but it's another thing to actually recognize where you might have gone wrong.

Here's what I know about patterns. You must recognize them to change them. If you don't recognize them then you are not able to change them. If you do not change them then are DOOMED to repeat them. And this girl repeating them a bunch. Shit! We all have. Hopefully for those who are reading this, you are know taking the time to become more aware of any patterns you might be in, right now!

How about an example? My currently place of employment.....just another toxic relationship. Though I spearheaded changing how my personal relationships in my life were handled, I never took the time to make sure the same crap didn't happen in my professional relationships. Well guess what happened? Yup and it took me 5 years, 3 major burns, and a bunch of smokin lies for me to decide to end this relationship. They saw I just wanted to do my best, and instead of rewarding me for it they kept me in my little box until I threatened to leave. Now I have a stupid promotion that I don't care about and am SO effin excited to already leave. See pattern. Change pattern. Start new chapter of life.

So Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all. That's right you! Okay, me too. It's your mirror!!! Figure it out.

Reflectively yours (aren't I clever) Merry Ms Berry

Commuting through Life

I have found myself getting more and more annoyed everyday with Chicago commuters. Now I know that most of them don't mean to be annoying because let's face it, most people really just think about themselves, oblivious to others around them. Not all, but too many.

Watching people go in and out, to and fro the Metra train, sidewalks, and buildings got me thinking about how people really live their lives.

How you handle your life is a lot like how you handle Chicago commuting.

I am one of those people that do not like to wait in the herds of masses. I do not use them as an excuse for any kind of tardiness and choose to get around them. I make the extra effort to plan a route, pick up the pace or take an extended route around the herd of people just to get around and ahead of them. While at the same time I do not push, hit or disrespect anyone else's personal space. I take extra precaution that I don't distrub anyone else. I think it's one of the nicer things I do throughout the day.

But then there's "the herd". That large group of people that move like molasses to a destination. People that will not make an extra effort to get started with their life because they use the exuse of everyone else is in there way. Or there are those that take their sweet time in the middle of the street or blocking a busy corner, all the while making people like myself HAVE to use more time and energy to get around them.

So? What kind of life commuter are you?

Are you the one that flies through the city, cutting your own paths to get where you want to go?

Do you feel safer in the middle the herd letting them guide you slowly to where you might or might not want to go?

Are you that person that is oblivious to the world around you, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk during rush hour to tie your shoe or catch up with a friend?

Or even yet! Are you the person on the sidelines asking for change, hoping that someone will have pity for you enough to spare some?

With that being said......GET OUT OF MY WAY, I HAVE THINGS TO DO!

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms. Berry

Dear 33 year old me,

It all changes this year....NO, it all changes this month.

Once again I've been burned and made to feel that I am someone that can get pushed around, stepped on and made to feel completely unimportant. I am Jack's broken heart.

I've put a lot of my happy into working for people only take care of those that whine, bitch and complain. That is not who I am. I work hard. I smile. I take care of others. And what do I get for it? I steaming pile of smoke and mirrors, broken promises and blatant lies to my cute little face.

Well, I've roughly updated my resume. Not that it really matters because I do not want another office position. The perks are not good enough when you are made to feel insignificant. And I am putting myself out there. Out anywhere where I am celebrated for being me.

But here's the fucking kicker of it all!!!! They are going to miss the living hell out of me when I'm gone. How do I know? Because every single time I would take any time off, whether a week long vacation or an extra couple days for a weekend to Las Vegas or New York City, I would come back and everyone would be singing my praises. Hugs and kisses galore! "Please don't leave. We missed you so much."

WELL if that were the case across the board I wouldn't feel so shitty. Yes, the women I work with and a handful of men, really do appreciate the work that I do. But then there's upper management. Those fucking pinheaded penny pinching blind sided, narrow minded muthafukas that want to "keep me in my place".

NOT ANYMORE!!!!!

FUCK ALL OF THEM!!!! I refuse to become some whiny two-bit shit head just to get noticed. Honor and praise those who work hard and go above and beyond for others around you, with NO ulterior motives.

I knew this was coming. I just didn't know exactly when. I thought I would have had a little bit more time to get my finances in order before throwing myself back out into the world. God has a different plan for me. He wants 2013, 95% to be all about being me. New me. Old me. The best me that I am supposed to be.

Here's to fucking ME!!!