All shook up

Yeaaaa not the old song. So damn me for being snoopy and digging into the Internet   And damn me for finding stuff I never thought I'd find. Is it 5 years later? Yes. But it's out there. I never thought  it would be.

I came across a "letter" from an EX best friend.  At first it could have been about me and at times it couldn't have. But then a few details came up that definitely screams it's about me. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt. It hurt because I once cared and all those feelings just don't disappear. It hurt because she recognized what I had done for her, which I never thought she did. It hurts because it just does. There are times I've missed her so. There are times I curse her for turning her back on me. In her defense (the only one point I'll give her) is that she didn't give me a chance to tell her what was happening to me and why I needed her. (IE super psycho, controlling, stalking, emotionally abusive douche bag that I couldn't get rid after breaking up with multiple times for what seemed like a better part of a year) She was too busy with herself to even notice me.

I've blogged about her before about the same mixed feelings when it comes to her. I've blown up my fair share of bridges and the majority of the time I revel in the gloriousness of the destruction I leave behind me. It takes a lot of hurt my feelings and it takes a lot for me to blow up a bridge. So you can imagine the level of hurt I felt.

It's been 10 years since all this happened. All in a blink of an eye. So to you if you find this. Shortly after blowing up our bridge I got married and moved away to the south suburbs. The chances of you running into me where slim. Even if that did happen I'm not one to pick fights. I would like to think I would have held myself together with some grace and just gone on by. But who knows.

I appreciate your awareness in who I was for you. I've often wondered if you ever connected those dots.

In the past 10 years I've gotten married, lost Zoey to old age, gained a cat through my husband, left corporate America, closed any businesses I tried to have, been a nanny, ran an art studio and am currently a stay at home mom to the smartest one year I know. Also, I dabble in painting on the side and make enough money to buy supplies. My life is the calmest and most serene it's ever been. It's nice.

Outside of this I don't know what else to say. I'm glad you're happy. 

Shockingly, Merry Ms Berry

Dearest Pike, Love 26 year old Mom

Dear Pike,

I am your mom at the age of 26. I have not started dating your father yet. At this point I had only talked to him for about 10 minutes back when we were in college together in the late 90's. Yes 1990's. No need to gasp, shit happens.

At 26 years old I thought I had a lot of things figured out. In my defense I had lived a lot for someone my age. I had already lost my father, your grandfather. I am currently working for one of the largest entertainment companies that runs 25 nightclubs and restaurants in the Chicagoland area. I am the Operations Administrator and had worked my way up from receptionist. Actually they didn't want to fill the position, I was next in line. I fucking rocked it! Outside of my inner office workings of legal documents, insurance, workman's compensation files, running the office and helping other managers with whatever they needed for their store, I also had many projects on the side. Not only was I a bartender at night, I was trying to get a online retail store off the ground, build teams, get clients, maintain my name with a promotional company I helped start and maintain a social life in the midst of all of it. And look good doing it all.

I was already engaged once before at a very young age, had my heart broken 3 times and went on numerous dates. Some great. Some utterly horrible. I have this beautiful white Husky named Zoey. I've already moved out twice and back in with your Gamma Diane. She always welcomes me home. Long story short, at 26 I was an ass kicking machine trying to build a life what would not only myself, but my present family and future family, who ever they may might be.

At 26, these are the things that I do not know yet and will ultimately break me down, make me cry, scream and come to terms with in my 30's.

1. Figuring out what having real faith means will save your life from the brink of disaster. When you throw your hands up in the air and just know that way ever happens, God will protect you, whether here in the physical world or in Heaven.

2. Your parents are people. They have struggled hard to be as amazing as they can be. They will make mistakes along with way. Let them. Have fun with them. We are all humans and make mistakes no matter how old we are.

3. If you're not doing what God wants you to, He will not let you succeed. I wanted to be the big bad ass business owner, connection making, hot to trot machine in black eyeliner and 4 inches heels. God had other plans for me. None of which had owning and running some super big company. But I still rock out black eyeliner and 4 inch heels.

4. Your emotions are your inner guidance system to your life. Yes, there are going to be times where you are going to have to meet where the rubber meets the road. You are going to have to push yourself harder than you've ever pushed before. Blood, sweat and tears will be expected for parts of your life that you love and respect. But, there will come a time where something doesn't feel right. Parts of life aren't going to be fun or bring you joy, and at those moments, you need to turn around and walk away.

5. People will be put in your life to learn from. Whether you're going to learn about what a great love is and how far you would go for that. Or you're going to learn how horrible people can be what you don't want in your life, and who not to give yourself to. Not a couple but many.

6. You're going to learn to have to let people go. We will have friends for a lifetime. We are going to have friends for a moment. NEVER cling onto a person that doesn't want the best for you and you don't want the best for them. Only surround yourself with people who bring value to you life, either emotional, mentally, or spiritually. Be the person that everyone can turn to but be with people that you can turn to also. No matter how long or short, sometimes it's best to let people stay or go. You'll know what the time is right.

7. You are going to experience life first hand in way I won't. But it's always nice to be armed with information and knowledge from loved ones that have walked a similar path. Your family loves you unconditionally and wants nothing but the best for you. Listen to their stories. And then live your life.

8. Make mistakes. Fail!!! Fail time and time again. Keep trying new things. Excel at a bunch. Suck at the rest. Who cares? Never fear failure. It's in those times of failure is where you will learn the most about not only yourself but your world around you.

9. Enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Ice cream. A soft blanket. A good night's sleep. Sleeping to the sound of a thunderstorm. A nap. Your favorite sweatshirt. Your favorite song. A walk in the rain. These are just a few things let will help keep you from losing your mind. There will be a time where your world will come down around and you'll have no where to go. Be still. Recoup. Enjoy the silence. Be one with yourself and all your answers will come to you.

10. What makes you happy now will most likely not make you happy later. As we age and grow as people, our likes and dislikes change along with us. I've always had a flair for art. But then I stopped. It was once my outlet for pain and then I didn't need it. And then it became my outlet for joy and it was completely different. And I will become mildly successful as an artist.

11. Love honestly. Speak from the heart. That scary, raw truth that people run from. The truth is the only thing we have. Even if it hurts you or might hurt someone else, the truth is what help make life real. Each relationship you have will be different and go into knowing that. Don't pre-judge what you don't know. Everyone is different. Learn from the last and use that to love the next different.

12. Own. your. Shit! You are going to make mistakes. Take ownership of them. Take responsibility for them. Apologize. It'll make your life so much easier.

13. As Gamma Diane says "when your home is in order, your life will be in order." I say "I like being proactively lazy." Get the annoying stupid shit done first and out of the way. That way you don't have to worry about it later and can relax as much as you want, or have as much fun as you want without caring if you have clean clothes or if dirty dishes are growing mold in the sink. Take pride in everything you have, from your car to your socks.

14. Appreciate nice thing but don't consume yourself with stuff. You can only handle one item at a time. No need to have 10 of something, except t-shirts, who doesn't love an awesome t-shirt collection. Okay, and socks. You need socks and undies. It's about quality no quantity. That goes with people too.

15. You have NO control over anyone. Not a dog, not your parents, not your friends, not your lovers, not anyone. Let them be them. You just worry about being you. People are going to let you down whether you have puppet them or not. So don't even try. Trust me I've walked that path early in life, it sucks.

16. You are not perfect. Don't act like it. I don't want you to ever think you need to be. You will never be. Trying to be perfect FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

17. Always been on time. Respect not only your time but other people's too. If you say you're going to be somewhere make sure you give yourself enough time and even an extra 10 minutes for shit to happen. Better to arrive a little early then be late.

18. Read. There are so many amazing books out there. Keep learning.

19. Make everything as much fun as possible. Your gamma once woke me up, after a long night of drinking, in the early morning to shovel wet heavy snow from the driveway. I didn't bitch or complain. I opened the trunk of my car and cranked some Christmas music. If I was going to do something that sucked I was going to enjoy some fun music doing so.

20. Appreciate everything in your life. And I mean everything. When you put that into perspective, nothing will be able to bring you down.

21. Travel. Don't put yourself into debt to do so. But if you have a choice between a fancy watch or the chance to go see a different country, go and see the world.

22. Protect your drivers license and your credit score. Only go to college if you need to succeed in something you love like being a lawyer or a psychiatrist. Debt is not something you want to drown in.

23. Take pride in your work. Whether your cutting hogs, cleaning horse stalls or making sandwiches, do it with pride and it will always show. And you will always be respected for it.

24. Protect the weak. I have a feeling that you are going to be a leader and a warrior. You're already so smart and crazy. Protect those who are weaker than you. There are many bullies in the world and we need to stand against them. Love on those you can. Kill them with kindness as much as possible but make sure the little guy gets his day in the sun too.

25. Don't let anyone change you. Don't let anyone try to make you a lemming. Don't let them put you in a box and tell you you're not good enough. You are the most perfect you ever and the world need to see you shine or others can shine with you.

26. Laugh as much as possible.

27. Cry. Get it out. The strongest of men cry. Men who allow themselves to feel and process cry, laugh, hug, cuddle, fight and stare. Allow yourself to feel everything.

28. Figure out how to be happy. Start young and continue to learn what you like and what makes you smile.

29. Stay young at heart and life will be so much more fun. Being a boring adult that takes everything serious is stupid!!!!

30. Dance. Dance great. Dance bad. Just dance. 99% of people don't know how to dance so don't worry about what you look like. Get out there and just dance. It feels amazing!

Know that we are all fucked up in some way in a fucked up world. God makes all kinds of kinds. (That's a country song). Get ready to get your hands dirty and take on the world running just like your mom and dad have. We wear our scars like badges of honor. Ask about them and we will tell you what you need to know. I am an open book and not afraid of people judging me because I really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, except from those that I love who never judge me too badly anyway.

I love you forever, now and from beyond. I will always be with you.

Love, Mommy Ms Berry

Maybe I do need some closure

For whatever reason I've had a hard time letting shit go. I was about to type out a letter for no reason just to get thoughts out of my head and send it to an ex-bestfriend. In the past when shit went down I was the first to let it go. It would roll off my shoulders and I was all about "is it what it is and it was what it was." Of course I used to smoke a lot of pot back day in the day, too. I'm sure that played a big role in my free spirit, not remembering, la-dee-da attitude. Though my memory is about 75% since having my son, there are still some things that bother me. So, instead of actually writing to those that don't deserve my attention, I'll leave it here. If by some weird chance those from my past come across it then so be it, if not then no harm no foul.

Dear you,

I've been lamenting for quite some time whether or not I would ever write to you. I had always been one to fix things, right wrongs, or keep friendships alive. I am no longer that person. It bothers me that you bother me. I'm not jealous, mad, sad, or glad for or about you. One reason is because I know you never really cared about me. I was just another pawn in your little game of life to get to things you wanted. I look back to see how manipulative you were to others and never thought I would feel that hand but I did and it was for the best.

I think why I'm bothered as much as I am is because of how much I truly cared for you. I went above and beyond more than anyone had ever done for you. Knowing you, you probably don't see anything you've ever done wrong. You've never put yourself in anyone else's shoes. You just wanted what you wanted and no one was going to tell you otherwise. The sad thing was that I only ever wanted you to be happy.

I've thought about writing about all the little things from the beginning to the end of us but it doesn't really matter. Not then and not now, except for one little thing. Without me, your life would be profoundly different. From the beginning to the end of us, not one major life change in the last 17 years doesn't have something because of me. And for that I can die tomorrow knowing my purpose was greater than most. I can say that my mere little existence has changed many lives for the better and not just yours, and that's pretty neat.

From what you think I know to what you don't think I know, I hope you are not the person that turned your back on your friends so long ago. I hope for the sake of your children you've learned some hard life lessons that will make them better as they grow.

I've received some divine intervention through dreams with regards to you. God wants me to have some understanding, compassion, and caution when it comes to you and your life. There were times I've woken up missing my friend and wanting you to go running with. Other times I've woken up glad you were gone. Either way everything had to happen for a reason. You had to leave me to find my soul mate and start a brand new chapter with a whole different world. And I know was the same for you.

In the end I hope you got your ass handed to you. I hope it made you a different and better person. I hope that you've had to fight for all that you have because before when life was handed to you, you didn't appreciate it. I hope life is life. Good. Bad. Beautiful.

Sincerely, Truly Merry Ms Berry

P.S. the funny thing about this letter is that it can actually go to a couple people. I guess I had more learning to do that I thought. Yay me learn stuff!

Holy 2015 Chapters

I say "chapters", plural, because so much has changed in ONE year. At times it seemed like an eternity ago and at others it was just a blink of an eye. But here I am, a person that in this time on Monday I will be someone's mom.

I am 41 weeks pregnant and my little guy is getting served his eviction notice on Monday. Sometimes I think knowing the exact moment your life is going to change is more nerve racking then when it just happens with no preconceived notion of it.

In January, 2015 I have traveled to Puerto Rico, took 3 planes from 4 different airports to get there in the dead of winter when it was 3 degrees outside. A great way to start to rebuilding my marriage that hung by the threads of mistrust, pain and heart break. I recommend traveling to Puerto Rico in the middle of winter. The sands, sun and water were the perfect blanket of warmth to mend frozen hearts, amongst the alcohol fueled adventures and the passion filled rooms.

In February I became pregnant with our first child. My pregnancy itself was pretty great. I didn't go all bipolar, psycho, cry at every moment. On the contrary I found most things very humorous. Except the changes to my body. If you know any of the real me, you know that I'm vain, self conscious and slightly insecure about how I look and I prefer to be cute and fit. Well, add months of cheese fries and milkshakes and all that fit and hotness goes right out the window. So be it.

In June I had to put my best friend of 14, my fur baby, the one creature that loved me unconditionally, to sleep. I still cry at least once a week. I miss my Zoey beyond words. I am not going to go into details on why she had to go, but it was time. It came on hard and fast, and she was not going to suffer out of my own selfishness of wanting her around. Everyone she met loved her. For a dog, she had the biggest and silliest personality.

In August I sold my purple "brat mobile" Monte Carlo. 10 years and almost 200k miles, she was a ticking time bomb of car repairs and it was, also, her time to go. In her place we bought a 4 door, sparkly white, turbocharged mom-mobile. Her name is Snowflake. Though her personality is not as big as the "brat mobile's" she is a good, fast car and we look forward to making hundreds, if not thousands of memories in her.

In September I traveled to the desert to paint watercolor paintings in old silver mining towns.

From the most epic of baby showers to painting the whole house, my life has been a constant change. I am blessed in so many ways and yet overwhelmed with all that is about to continue to happen. The things that meant so much to me that began new chapters in my life, Zoey, the brat mobile, are gone but opened new chapters. I'm sad because I miss them but probably more so because the new chapters aren't written yet.

On a lighter note, I have been told numerous times that I don't look 10 months pregnant. Yes, 10! It's supposed to be a full 9 months, but in all actually it's 40 weeks which is 10 months.

I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm excited, I am someone new that gets to experience a new life with no fucking clue what to expect. But the baby's room is beautiful so I have that.

I will be back.

Below is a picture of my contractions and little man's movements from a couple weeks ago. Funny how it's reflects the look of a rollercoaster.

Consistently changing, Merry Ms Berry

Sometimes it's okay to wander

Never in my 35 years alive have I not had a plan, a goal, a vision of what or where I thought I wanted my life to go, end up, and become. But here I am in place where, if 10 years ago you would have told me I'd be, I'd laugh in your face and probably be spilling my martini on your shoes in the process. Even now I have no concrete plan or ideas on what I want to do with my life.

I am currently baking a little man in the oven. I have a couple more months until he arrives and then the next chapter of my life begins as another whole new person. I've only been a "mom" to a dog, who I miss uncontrollably, but never to a little human. I've been a friend, enemy, business partner, employee, lover, fighter and probably a million other things that my "baby brain" won't let me remember, but never a 24/7, rest of my life figure head over something my body created with someone else. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it, even though billions of people have already done the same.

Who do I want to be? Where am I going? What is going to become of a life I thought I had control over? So many questions and yet I have no answers. I want to be a great mom and teach my child to be the best he can be. Through trials, failures, successes and plain ol' fun, I want to help him mold himself into whoever he feels he wants to be. Isn't that what a "parent" is supposed to do? That's what my mom did for me. She wanted me to succeed but knew I had to fail to get there.

So....now what? What can I do with myself to show my son how to be awesome? What do I work towards or become to show him that life is supposed to fun, hard, messy, painful and totally worth all of it?

I had to throw my hands in the air and let the all mighty ruler of the universe lead me to this point, maybe I should continue to do so because I have no idea what else to do. Write? Paint? Draw? Speak? I always thought I had to control every moment and make things happen, but in the end it didn't work for me like that. So here's to NOT having a plan. NOT kicking ass & taking names. NOT knowing what to do. And NOT caring otherwise. Here's to loving the moment in a life, with amazing people and just letting the rest of it go.

Curiously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Trip, fall, shatter and give me the fawkin glue.

It's been a year and a half since I left my soul sucking career in a financial office. I've been to school for an insane semester, currently a nanny for 2 crazy spoiled children and working one day a week at a creative agency that I adore with every inch of my being. Within in that time I have fallen apart a few times and have to put myself back together. Not only fallen apart professionally but emotionally.

First it was the feeling that my life was a slew of experiences that mean nothing for a future I might not ever get to really understand. I have always held myself to a higher standard when it came to treating others and taking care of those around me. Time after time, job after job I have allowed people to put me down and take full advantage of me. Those same painful "career" experiences that recently spilled into my personal life. And when I say personal, I mean all over the fucking place. From "best friends" becoming enemies to wanting to leave a life I fought so hard to built. My life and my home fell to pieces. ...... again.......

But this is life...right?

One way or another life has cycles, eb and flows, peaks and valleys.....AND I WANT OFF THIS FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER RIDE! Now that doesn't mean that I expect not to have to duck and weave throughout life but I'm totally over getting put down, stabbed in the back and having my heart broken. With these situations happening I do what I only know what to do best, kick down doors, pack of my bags and tell people to go fuck off. Yep. That's how I roll.
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Revision: I wrote the above post sometime last year. I should probably start dating these things better. I think I kept it around to allow others into a small part of my life. I might write about unicorns and roses, but unicorns shit and roses have thorns. It's all part of life and I am not beneath trudging through my own mistakes and downfalls. I'm not one to roll over and just cry about it. I do cry. I do walk. I do fight. I do cave. I do break. I heal. I forgive. I learn. I move forward. Eventually I let the walls down and let those who hurt me back in. Why? Because that's what true love means. To forgive those you love to allow them the chance to hurt you again, but having some faith that they won't because they really do love you too. I hope I am able to teach my unborn son all these things, his father and I made it through to create him out of the love we have for each other.

Have you missed me?

It's been over a year since I've posted anything. I've thought about spilling out everything more than a few times, and yet never made it to here. So here I am.

In the past 18 months my life has been anything but smooth. As you know I left my corporate job at an investment firm to figure "me" out, what makes me happy and what doesn't. Well.....being a nanny didn't. I am blessed and grateful to have been a nanny to 2 of the craziest, smartest and weirdest little kids around. Their parents were amazing and it was close to home. I think of the kids as my practice run children for when I have my own.

Sometime last year my marriage basically fell apart. Lines were drawn. Hearts were broken. Many many many tears were shed by all but in the end it all fell back together. The old saying of "it has to get worse before it gets better" was more than true in our home. It was by far one of the most painful and yet fulfilling experiences in my life to date. The was some time in the middle of 2014. By the time the holidays came, things were slowly being put back together.

Enter 2015. We take a vacation to Puerto Rico to escape the bitter winter for some sun, sand and amazing fun with friends. We decided since everything that was wrong with "us" was pretty much fixed that 2015 would be a great starting point to "try" and expand on our family. We tried "hard" to make a Puerto Rico baby......but it was probably a good thing considering that amount of alcohol consumed in that short period of time.

When March rolled around and more and more of my friends started popping up pregnant, I had to come to terms that I might be getting a muscle car instead of a child. We were both in an understanding that we were going to try the best we could without killing ourselves, or going to a fertility specialist to get pregnant. We were okay with fancy toys and traveling the world. Little did I know I had gotten pregnant at the end of February. Yay us!

to be continued.........

enjoy my tropical Octo-baby!