A fart in the wind!

Again, I have decided to close the door on a relationship. I've had said person in my life for as long as I have been alive. We had grown up together, our moms had grown up together and our grandmothers traveled together during WWII. You might be asking yourself what horrible, indescribable thing did someone with that kind of family history had done to deserve to end a friendship? Well, I let her take advantage of me for the last time. And then when I told her how I felt she defended her poor actions and did not take responsibility for them, in the beginning. It was after quite a few heated emails that when my seriousness of the situation became relevant in her mind. Even now, she does not believe in her mind that I had any right to get upset to the magnitude that I had and that since she's "like family" and it's the holiday that I have to forgive her. Well....I don't have to do shit! You would think that I would be above being bitter and if this was a first time offense I totally would be. I'm all about accepting apologies and moving forward, but in this case she's a repeat offender of blatant disregard for people's time and feelings. She tries her damnedest to make everything all about her. She doesn't realize that her lack of effort towards others is no longer going to be condoned by me. And her manipulations of others for her emotionally, personal gain is not acceptable and darn right WRONG!

Why am I blogging my gripes today, you ask? This blog is actually about how to properly apologize. Learn to say you're sorry and shut your mouth (if you truly care about someone). If you apologize to someone but then give a line of excuses and justifications why you hurt them, you are telling that person that it's not really your fault their feelings got hurt. If you go on the defensive and have to explain yourself then you are NOT taking responsibility for your actions. We all make mistakes. We all take people for granted, a lot of times by accident. The best thing to do.....now repeat after me.....is say "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or take you for granted. I will never do it again. Can you forgive me?" and then SHUT UP!!!! Let the person either accept or disregard your apology. Give them the chance and the opportunity to take it into their heart with no strings, bullshit or justifications attached. Give them the opportunity to say no. When you don't, it's like trying to force your own beliefs onto them.  If you're feelings get hurt, it's probably because the person you hurt is REALLY HURT! This will happen. Do not force the issue that your feelings are now hurt and now that this hurt person has to acknowledge you feelings too (ultimately minimizing the original person's hurt feelings).

All in all, if you hurt someone's feelings don't spin it around and make it about you. Try to go out of your way (if you truly care about this person) to make this person feel like their feelings are just as important to you as your feelings are.

Yes, I was made to feel that my feelings were unjustified and I should just let it go without detailed, just cause. Well looks what happens. Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. I know I will forgive this person in my heart, for she is not intentionally malicious but egotistically ignorant. I have the right to feel hurt and then tell that person how I feel without being told is not right. It's about having my existence and my feelings properly acknowledged. Time and time again I have pushed my own feelings aside for others, for the bigger picture. In this case, after years and years of repeated disregard, my feelings will be acknowledged without need to explanation!

Unapologetically yours, Merry Ms (kicking ass) Berry!

Sick of retail!!!

A sweet friend of mine is battling the bah humbug feeling of Christmas because she can't spoil her kids with gifts. I get it. Well how about all the other gifts? A favorite meal or something handmade with love and blood from paper cuts? How about all the amazing Christmas deals AFTER Christmas? Why does ONE day makes or breaks us financially and emotionally when there are 364 other days where we can bless our loved ones? What happened to being creative? Why does everyone fall into this STUPID idea that it's stuff that's going to make us happy? Yes, I love giving gifts just like anyone else does, but I'm not going to let it break me. Example. I am MAKING all my gifts. Me and my yarn are going to love on everyone as much as possible. I am blessed to be surrounded with people that love hats, scarves and mitties, my specialty! Here's the thing about my situation. After realizing that making something is more rewarding for myself, I went a little obsessed and learned as much about knitting and crocheting to meet my artist need of creation. And then....we bought a house, and a truck and a new picture window. My money is tied up in my home where I could house my family as guests and hopefully my future family to come. As much as I would love to spend top dollar to spoil those I love, putting myself anymore into the hole and stressing about money would just upset me and make me sick. I mean stress makes me physically ill, upset stomach ulcers, break outs, and muscles knots. I need to love me first so to be able to love anyone else.

My Feesha is putting herself through school, accidentally listened to her parents & got a crappy car, parted with one of her kiddies temporarily and is staying with family she doesn't particularly care for. And for what...for fun? NOT EVEN CLOSE! She's putting herself through hell for the betterment of her children's lives!!!! She is clawing her way to the top and I think that when her kids see that, THAT will be the best gift that she could ever give them. Though she is a "I want life to be happy now" kind of person, (like most of us) she is kicking ass and taking names every single day. Hopefully this little blog helps remind her of it. There will always be another Christmas where she can spoil her babies, until then she's taking care of herself. That's one thing she hasn't focused on in quite a few years. YOU HEAR ME FEESHA!!! One day in your children's lives are not going to make them love you any less. If anything it's going to make them love you even more. They are watching you fight the good fight and battle with blood on your face. I'm proud of you and always will be!

Let me make the kiddies something. My gift to you. oxoxoxoxoxox

Merrily loving you, Merry Ms Berry

There's no reason for me

not to be writing every evening. At this moment instead of focusing my emotion efforts on those I care about, my readers and other emotionally crazy fabulouses', I'm sorting through my Epic because with its current update all my songs got messed up. Now tell me, what would be more productive with my time? Sorting music, which I can do on the train to and from my gerbil cage made of brick, or writing down my life in bold type to eventually share with the world and possibly help those that are looking for it? Ok...ok...okay! I got it. So here I am typing away, getting mentally prepared to re-spill my guts out on digital paper. Here's the thing about it. I like to write when I am alone by myself, just me and my thoughts. Right now is as good as any. My hubby is passed out on the floor, I have laundry doing its thing, and I just finished a glass of tea....NO I am 70 years old. But damn it certainly sounds like it doesn't it. I'm not going to be much more "alone" than this.

Why this is just restarting now you ask? Over the summer, me and my mighty pen took to the summer sunshine and began to rip my mind apart via notebook. The first chapter that seemed fitting to start with was one of the biggest, my dad. I want to write a series of books on how all the relationships in my life helped carve out the person I chose to be and ended up (presently). I wrote in the present tense. Now if you are an avid reader of mine, you will notice that I kinda jump all over the place, not sticking to one tense or another. I write how I talk, it's my thang. Its how I resonate and choose to read authors that do the same. Being the ever dying perfectionist, I chose present tense so my readers are in my shoes, seeing what I see and feeling what I feel......holy shit was that hard! I've never written in that tense outside of poetry. come to think of it, my poetry is pretty heart wrenching also. Anyhoo, so as I am writing and spilling and thinking and filling these pages in some kind of serial killers handwriting I am reliving all the crazy, painful and strange experiences of having MY dad be my dad. Then out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks. I am and was barely in control of who I am. I thought I was. I thought I had been making a full conscious effort to mold myself to the person that I've always wanted to be. But to my dismay that is only partly true. The figurative walls of my soul started crumbling down all around me. The parts of my personality from being able to never sit still, to my constant need for knowledge, attention and affection all stem from the relationship or lack of it with my alcoholic father. Now there are major parts of myself I've been in control of, such as my compassionate awareness and love for others that I have chosen to live. But the other parts like having to be good at everything, failing as little as possible, and my fear of confrontation with those I love.....ALL DADDY ISSUES! I was a mess. I had been hiding inside of myself for the sake of my marriage, being the good wife. But it wasn't a "good" thing at all because I wasn't being me. Yuck! Because I rock! And my hubby needs to see that!

I, also, saw how that pattern started showing up in all my other relationships. Now I guess its not that bad considering I married a wonderful man, even though he has few but similiar traits of many other Aquarians in my life. Not "all" bad. At least I can acknowledge those traits and know when to dodge the incoming spray of unbridled, sometimes delusional, emotion. YA, I said it! Oh, my dad was King Aquarius!

So with that all being said, I had A LOT of emotional clean up to do. It was also a time where I totally lost myself once again. I am constantly changing back and forth, never really knowing my purpose or my identity and that's a scary thing for a control freak like myself. Before I could come back to writing and spilling my life, heart, blood and tears on paper, I had to make sure that all the cracks that I have in my heart are acknowledged and on the mend. Yes, I was scared to write. This is what happens when you decide to become totally and completely transparent for the sake of others. They see your scars and to my surprise some of my scars were open confused wounds aching for a healing touch of acknowledgement.

So there it is. Even though you will not being seeing all that I write for my series of books, whaaaaa I know. I will keep you updated on my progress, breakthroughs, and epiphanies. This is going to be a hard journey for me because it's still ongoing.

Enlighteningly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Living up to who's Potential?

Recently I had a conversation with a friend that I've known since I was 16. He's one of those people who is too smart for his own damned good. At one point in our lives we had been very close and after a couple of years that ended. Though he has an IQ of 150+ his EQ hasn't quite caught up just yet. Have you ever noticed that you could sit and talk to a genius about everything except moving through the past and dealing with emotions?

Within this conversation I told him how much of a force of nature that he truly is. Then, he proceeds to tell me that he believes people when they say that he's not living up to his potential. Now, I grew up with that saying. I LOATHE THAT SAYING. It's like telling someone that they have a great personality when you don't want to call them pretty. Parents, peers and teachers do not realize that telling a child that they are not living up to their potential is basically telling them that they are not good enough. Even though they have the best of intentions when they say these things, why do they think that they know how to live our lives? Do we ever know? Isn't doing our best at something we love really living up to OUR potential?

I was told this many times. I was always the black sheep and did what felt right and not what others did (and I was great at it). It was at one point in my life that I started doing things that was expected of me, only to get sucked into the bullshit of the 9-5, gerbil wheel, made to feel worthless positions in life. But since everyone else was doing it, I was expected to suffer along with them. When I was going to school for art, had a long distance boyfriend and worked full time in the service industry I had more money than a 19 year old really should have to deal with. A few years later I tried to live up to the potential that others put in front of me. Only to because vanilla, grey, dead inside and either broke from money or broke from time. A little piece of my started to die. Talk about inner torment. Live for others and you will die by their hands. Live for yourself and light the path for others to shine! (man this good stuff right there!)

My genius friend is now and continues to believe that he's not living up to his potential. Could he take over the world, I'm sure with the right vehicle he could and should. He is one of those people you thrive to be around, but getting close is so hard you ache to know him. But then he'll push you away with words that cut you like a knife. He is one of those you hate to love and love to hate.

As we continued to chat I asked him why? Why does he believe that he's not good enough now? With all that he's experience to know, he's lived life more than people that are 70. From relationships, to moving, to loss and health issues, he's always come out on top and never once ever asked for help. Alas, he is doomed to suffer living somewhere outside of today.

Who do we think we are telling people that are missing their mark? Let's think about this. Who's potential are we supposed to be living up to? What exactly are we supposed to be doing to live up to something? Why is just being present in the now not good enough for some people?

I think about how the course of my life could have changed if I had gone to a different school, if I didn't mean this or that person, or if I didn't go on this date or that. I think about these things when I'm bored and doze off into lala land. It means nothing because I bring myself back to reality and see how it all panned out. I see how all the little threads of my life interconnected themselves through the good, the bad, the insane and the weird to become my now. It's truly wonderful to see.

Everything and anything has the potential to change. The earth has the potential to explode. I have the potential to become a porn star. A truck has the potential to hit me on the way home. Everything has potential, but it's fake.......it's not real. You can't grab potential. You can only use it to maybe help guide you into the future. Never listen to someone else's idea of your potential. Do we all have the room to grow and change, of course, but this is our only constant and it's up to ONLY us to figure that out.

Potentially yours (JK).......Lovingly yours, Merry (fired up) Ms Berry

Shameless Self Promotion

Whether it's 4 inch heels, red lipstick or a tight pencil skirt, there is going to be a time where you want people to notice you. Above are just a couple of my favorite "feel sexy" items to wear. Along with stumbling my way into your hearts, I also want to share some more favs of mine. From learning to make beer or wearing sparkling necklaces with my hubby's name on it, I want to show support to all things I love merrily.

A little bit more about myself is that I love to learn and do. I want to look into welding. I'm slowly mastering crocheting. I found a new love in costume makeup. I rocked it out as a zombie. You already know that I love to share whatever ever I have. From friends, to food, to my ideas. The more that's out there in world the more love that can go around.

In these times while I watch the glowing box on the wall tells me the economy is broken. We need to grab onto one another and help where we can. Whether its shopping from a friend's site or giving a few pennies in your pockets to a charity, these are the little things that help make this society great again.

Please support your local blogger, business owner and or any American making product company. There are so many products and services out there now that we need to focus who we are buying from and not only what. We can start a ripple effect and send the financial love all over.

Thank you for taking the time for others.

Ching chingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Comments welcome!

I don't and will never claim to know everything of anything. Including the ramblings of my blog. If you by chance glance and a particular subject and feel that you I am either wrong, totally off base or just need more information please please please feel comment. I love comments! Good, bad or indifferent. We are all entitled to have JUST AN OPINION. Use it here! Please do! I want to here it.

Turing a bad day good by looking cute

I am about "the cute"!!! Here's the thing about being cute, it never fades. You can only be sexy for so long. Stuff starts to sag and you can't wear liquid black eyeliner forever (tear). But looking cute is 100% possible at any age. Whether be a new lip gloss, a pair of jeans that makes your ass look fabulous or taking a little bit of extra time on your hair, cute is the way to go.

Why do I bring this up? Because when I have a really bad day and I feel really bad about myself on the inside I make doublely sure that the outside of me looks fabulous. Why? When I hurt on the inside I can't hide it on the outside. I wear all my emotions square in the puss, no hiding NOTHING with me. I'd rather not scare people away with an angry scowl. Instead I want to be as approachable and eye catching fabulous as possible. Below was one of these days.

On this particular day I put on a pair of brand new skinny jeans (the only pair I own), my 4 inch, grey suede slouchy boots, with a low cut top and my new push up bra. I straighten my hair and make sure my eye makeup with fabulous! Head to toe I was frickin' HOT! And guess where I actually had to go? Menards!!! Ha! I went to the local home improvement store to return hardware and buy spray paint.

Here's my theory on why what I do works. If the outside of you looks fabulous (and you know it) then you are more apt to get attention from others, even if it's just an envious glance of why their butts can't look this good. Getting verbal (or non verbal) validation helps boosts your spirits about who you are on the inside. I am a sucker for good attention. If I look cute, I have NO problems taking compliments. ((((no flash photography please)))) And doesn't everybody love to get a little attention? Yes WE DO!

Now a warning! This is not a cure all!!!! This is meant to fix a temporary bad day. If you are having deeper issues with yourself please consult a licenced physician or your bff with a good bottle of wine. At the end of my day I had talked over a few things with the hubby and I began to feel better about myself. (Insert regular jeans & t-shirt)Yes, I have a lot of work to go, but I got real, loving validation from my honey and it had nothing to do with the shade of lipstick I was wearing. Also, he knows if I'm wearing red lipstick, it means I'm out for blood and to crush some souls (figuratively of course, can't ruin my new boots).

So ladies or anyone for that matter, if you feel great on the inside it will show on the outside. If you look great on the outside, it might seep in to the inside. Might! Make sure you are taking the time to really love the person that you are and all that makes you, you! There will always be hiccups along the way and with us constantly changing as we grow older, it's best to stay on top of you. Shit, I'm not the same lady I was 10 years ago and that's ok but I forgot to remind myself that I'm still a bad ass if I need to be. (walk, talk and slap a bitch with ponytail if need be)

Fabulously yours, Merry Ms Berry