The Path less noticed.

I was told that my purpose is to work with kids and having babies. So simple and yet so profound to me. I am a big kid. I love to have fun. I love to make things fun. Life is way too short not to try and have fun in all that you do. I've been like that my whole life. Why would anyone not want to have fun with everything? I was told the my path is there so stop looking and lusting after something more.

A few business ventures I was a part of fell out of my life. Logically they made sense but over time they never really settled in my heart and I wasn't having fun with them. So like most things when it still failed after heart wrenching fights, I let them go. But here's the thing about that. I only left bad for a day and then I felt free.

In conversations when people let certain aches in their life go, it frees them. It gives them peace in their heart. I let go of the idea that I had to "find", "search" or hunt down my path, so that when I found it, I would know. But just like in dating, when you stop looking someone gets dropped into your lap. (also during this reread I realized I'm already on my path so just stop seeking).

So here I am. I am still intrigued on how my life will start to unravel and reveal itself to me. I no longer search on how it will happen. Nor do I know how I will actually be working with kids. It could be in a million different ways from mentoring to art. Who knows? He, the One, knows and that's all I need to know.

I haven't felt so free in such a long time. I've always been one to handle my life. To make every little decision. Also, at the same time I let the wind take me where it wanted. In each experience I learned so much about not only myself, but those in the world around me. Those who try and control every little thing in their world and the world around them end up miserable. But those who just let the universe flow in, out and around them are the happiest. I've been knowing and relearning these principles for 20 years now. And time and time again I have to be reminded. LET GO!

I want the world to accept me, but first I have to accept the world. I am no more in control of anything except getting up, brushing me teeth, feeding the dog and putting on a smile. I will do what I love, whatever randomness that may be. I'll sit in silence and watch the world drive itself mad. I will love those around me. I will let the universe flow the life it wants me to have. And yes, I will continue to blog it all.

Universely yours, Merry Ms Berry

Realizations

It's not supposed to be killer hard to live life. We make it harder on ourselves then it really needs to be. We all do it.

God giveth and God taketh away.

These words constantly rings in my ears.

I had gotten away from the "silver lining game" I grew up with. If you don't appreciate something, it will either leave or be taken away from you. It's a pretty simple concept. I was told these words and it hit me hard. Yes, I was willing to give it all away even though I didn't want to. I was willing to fight for my happiness but I needed to be sure that my other half was willing to fight for his also, together.

I let the world beat me up. I listened to others gripe and let it settle in my heart. I said "why not me". Why can't I be bitter and ungrateful? Then I took a step back and had to think to myself, did I really want to lose the wonderful life I have? I fought so hard to get here. I knew I would be fine wherever I ended up. But did I want to end up somewhere else, alone?

I couldn't even tell you when or how I got off track. I did everything right to have the things that I have. And I'm not saying mansions and sports cars, but I would love me a muscle car. But I have a secure life and home with everything I need to meet my needs and have no stress tailing me. Now how many people can say that?

Why did I stop count my blessings? I guess at one point I didn't feel appreciated and the grass looked greener on the other side. But true to wonderful man fashion, hubby came back to me and started loving me how I needed it. He's wonderful. We are working on the same team. This whole marriage thing is a tough nut to crack.

So here I am. A little bit wiser. A little bit lighter. A whole lot happier. And fulfilled from within at all the blessings I'm surrounded with. I'm able to love those in my life and make them smile. Which is my favorite thing to do. I don't know what the world brings in the future but its doesn't matter. I am at peace right now with what it is. Like my Elisha says, Love never quits. It's true. Love from above, love from them, love that you have to give to yourself and love for others. It's the meaning of life. Love more, receive more. Love them, love you, love it, love love. It's like a hum of a mom rocking her baby to sleep. I could hear it all the time. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

Lovingly yours, Truly Merry Ms Berry

Off line for 5 days

You heard me right! I'm am disconnecting off the grid, unplugged from social media and turning off all communications from the world for 5 days. Okay, I'm not turning my phone off and I'll only be 30 minutes from home. I need a break but in case of emergencies I'm not going to risk not being able to be found.

I've been meaning to take some "me time" and just escape from the world but I really didn't know how, where or even when. I've gotten some spiritual reinforcement that if I don't take the time to center myself and get back to being me I take a chance of losing everything that I care about. So, I am locking myself away from everyone to get the perspective on life I once had and love everything once again. Me, a sketch book, my running shoes, a book and some comfy clothes.

That's the funny thing about life and everything in it. If you don't care, love or appreciate it, it won't stick around. Think about it. If you don't take care of your car, it's going to break down and become completely useless to you....or worse, hurt you.

Though I come off happier and more positive than most people in the world, I still have a lot of growing to do. Also, I got so consumed in my own pity that I started neglecting my world around me. I need to get back to good.

I am the first one to promote love, yoga, prayer and meditation, but I haven't been practicing what I preach. Pretty typical of most people. I'm distracted with so much that I had NO idea what to do with myself. How sad is that?!

With some Godly guidance and answers my soul has been craving to hear it's time for me to socially detox my heart, brain and soul. I need to get back to The One that's answered my prayers so many times before and have faith my heart will be filled again.

Yes, I drained myself for the sake of others without be able to fill myself back up. I was not happy. Though I live a blessed life, I was dying inside. I feel better than a bit ago, but I know it's only alone time that will let me close this chapter of my life and move forward.

Come to think of it, I've never really had 5 days to myself. I've never had more than a day or so by myself with no distractions, whether work, friends, or hobbies. This will be a first. I'm not scared, I'm really excited. I'll really get to see what time feels like.

Wish me luck! I'll be back next week to tell you my findings.

Spiritually, Merry Ms Berry

I'm breathing...I'm grateful....I'm joyful....

AND I'M NOT GOING TO STAB ANYONE RIGHT NOW!

I said "not".

I'm just having a moment. It's one of those days that one small inconsiderate person does an inconsiderate thing and as much as it shouldn't bother me, its still does.

I have so much more going for me in life. I truly live a blessed life and I need to beat that into my head because getting pissed off at someone stupid and NOT a team player at work is NOT worth the energy. I guess that's why I have my blog....to vent.

Whether or not you read this. Whether or not you even care, I'm still able to all of the BS ramblings in my brain out.

Oh well...I'm breathing, I'm breathing. oooooaaaammmmmm!

I'm calm.

I'm grateful.

I'm blessed.

You're blessed.

Stupid coworker can shove it.

I love my dog. I love my husband. I am blessed to have them both in my life. I love my family. I'm grateful for having a job. I'm blessed knowing 98% of my other coworkers appreciate me. I work hard. I am able to play hard. I love that I can run, jump, grab, see, hear and yell. I am in tip top working order and it makes me happy. I'm healthy, smart, funny, empathetic, genuine and compassionate. I have vehicles that drive beautifully, a home that keeps me warm or cool, enough of everything to meet all my needs.  I'm also blessed to live in a country where I'm allowed to be whiny, emotional, make mistakes and keep living a great life.

So....with that said. I'm done having my moment. I'm clearing out things in my life that don't need my attention. And now I have one more person to add to the list.

Blessingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Dreams and Readings

After sitting with my mom and sister, I come to find out that I'm really the only one that learns, listens and tries to figure out the bigger meaning in dreams. It happens more times than not when I need to be learning something from my dreams. Most of the time it's about letting go of past hurts.

One case in point is that I was recently told that I need to let go of some grudges. I was always one to forgive, forget and move forward but as I had gotten older it became harder and harder for me to be as compassionate. One reason was because I believe that as we age we should be getting wiser and more conscious of ourselves and those around us. Little did I know that not everyone thinks like I do, and that we live in a very selfish and self-centered world. Not everyone but more than I care for.

One earlier blog was about an ex-best friend and how just being friends with me changed the course of her life a few times. I, also, come to learn that my empathy and compassion for people are rare gifts that not everyone has or understand....ya that kinda blew my mind. So, with keeping that in mind I had a dream that the ex-bff was in, we were back to being friends, were training for a marathon together and even had dinner with her and her significant other. It was a nice dream and I woke up feeling good. I know dreams like these are meant to tell me to let go of any bad feelings that I have with people in my past. I get it. Come to think of it, I really did enjoy having the spazz-monkey as a friend. It sucks the way everything fell apart the way it did. I later went into a new relationship, and she did too. So I'm guessing we needed to be apart to focus on our respective "soon to be" husbands.

It's not like I have a lack of people in my life and losing one friend is going to destroy my world. On the contrary it gives me the room and energy to focus on those still in my life, or just make room for new people to enjoy.

So, to my past friend. I'm sorry that everything went down the way it did. Everything happens for a reason. I forgive you for focusing on your true love and I forgive myself for letting myself feel so hurt.  I wish you no ill will. Take care of my old friend and may you live out each other's lives in bliss.

Epiphanily yours, Merry Ms Berry

Letting go and letting yourself fall apart

Life is all about give and take, come and go, live and die. It's called the circle of life for a reason. It brings balance, change and existence. I know this. I am the biggest advocate for change. BUT not when it comes to those in my life that I love. From the past to the present, I've had to let people go and soon I'll have to learn how to live without my best friend Zoey.

Zoey is turning 11 years old next month and even now I'm noticing changes in her personality. Ok, hold on. This is Zoey (see below)

She is the most wonderful, kind, smart, compassion and spunky little creature that I have in my life. She's been there for me to kiss away my tears, play with, talk to and chase the world around us. She came to me from a relationship that was so hard to walk away from, that pieces of my heart are still gone because of it. She's the last piece of my past that I have closest to my heart and thinking about losing her with age is breaking me apart. Even as I type this, it's through tears.

Being a lover of all sorts, when I put my heart into someone, whether human or animal, I put my whole heart into it. I fall in love hard, and fall apart just as hard. It's the Scorpio in me. I know one day I won't hysterically cry about Zoey when she's gone, but the thought of that ever happening is so unthinkable and incomprehensible to me right now.

But now trying to emotionally brace myself to let Zoey go is going to be the hardest thing that I will ever do. I wish I could clone but that doesn't even guarantee a replica. She's my puppy and my first child of sorts. It was me and her against the world for the longest of time. I am blessed to have years left with her and from day one I've always appreciated her and loved her as much as she would let me. Even when I lived without her for a year, I drove 50 miles one way, every week to spend time with her.

Just when you think you have everything figured out, throw in another broken heart. Love those you love. Tell, show and touch them. We are all forced to let go of someone we love. While we are together, let them know that they are your world and letting go will never mean forgetting.

Emotionally yours, Merry Ms Berry

Snoopy McNosey

dig dig dig and dig some more!

That's what I love about the internet!! There's so much information on hand at any given moment, enough to make your head spin. I absolutely love it!!! <3

You never know what or "who" you might come across.

Being me, I love to look, dig, read, contemplate, reminisce, dissect, reflect and move on. Whether I'm learning about the universe or "stumbling upon" people from my past I always try and see the bigger picture and how everything is relatively tied together in one way or another.

So my bigger question now is, do people seek me out like I seek them? Ok, I'm not some stalker, looking for people who have scorned me, what a waste of time that would be. But even though Chicago(land) is 8 million people, I have a knack of running into people I know all the time and finding fun information about all my friends, past or present, that I enjoy reading. We all shouldn't be in the gossip circle but if you are putting stuff out onto the internet then your ramblings are fair game, just like me own.

Are there people that I have scorned that have found me via internet and check in on me? If I didn't do it I would have never reconnected with my bestie Blondie. We didn't have a falling out, just a parting of ways and I missed her after awhile.

I use my life, past and present, as material for my blog. I love my blog!!! It gives me power to have the world help me see the connections from one experience to another. How awesome is that?!?! Do people that I use as examples know it's them? I am very good about not using people's names because you know who you are if you ever find the post about you.

I guess this is just one of those "I'm going to ramble out of my own vanity" posts, just to watch myself type and hear myself in my own head. Yes, I'm all about me when it's just me to be about. Ok, sometimes more. I love my friends, I would give them the world if I could. To my enemies, which I don't have too many, thank you for the material. I hope I can put a funny spin of your fuck ups, as I always put a great spin on my own.

If you're balls are brass, please leave a comment. Let me know you exist.

Universally, Merry Ms Berry