1 step closer

My mom, who is one of my subscribers, told me that I need to add a positive twist to some of my recent posts. I have noticed that that haven't been all rainbows and unicorns lately, but I also have not been in that kind frame of mind either. Where I work sucks the life right out of me. I let it effect me more than I should. I am human and I am allowed these feelings. But my mom is, also, right where I need to find the silver lining in these parts of my life. The silver lining for me absolutely despising where I work right now is that I have chosen my exit strategy. It was the flick to the forehead that I absolutely needed to get the new part of my life rolling.

I think there might be something in the air because my Feeshfeesh is in a purgatory place of "meh". It's that grey area where you have nothing to work towards that brings you passion or happiness. You're are just kinda waiting around, waiting for lightning to strike. Sometimes you have to make your own lightning. Sometimes you have to take this down time for yourself to just relax and think. I was given the last couple of years to do just that.

I got a break from the world. I was not having babies. I was done looking for a home. I was finished unpacking. I had nothing to do except ask myself....."now what". That now what took me running. The hardest thing that I've had to try to do in a long time. And I plan to take it up again when it is a little bit warmer. Or maybe I won't. I haven't decided yet. But what I have decided is move forward away from the cement jungle back to the land of yards and driveways. Back to home. It didn't matter what I did because it was just for me. No problems. No drama. Just some simple time to myself.....outside of the whole corporate BS.

Here's my huge exit plan. Get ready...it's a doozie. Just kidding.

My first step was taking a CPR & first aid certification class. Done. Easy Peasy!
Next, go to the local community college and see if anything strikes my fancy.
Next, see what happens next.

I can wait it out and save up some money and take a month off which sounds absolutely amazing. I haven't had a month off in about 10 years. Since then I've worked either 1, 2, or 3 jobs or projects at once. Now throw in parties, boys, friends, relationships of all sorts, a marriage, moving a few times and here I am.

Okay. So here I am. Now what? Not really sure.

Ultimately I would love to be a part time child care taker, that is in school for psychology and art, with a children's book in the making, all the while loving my husband, making babies and running the neighborhood with my dog.....with money to spare. I don't see why I can't have that. I plan to be the best as what I do. It's what I do. I like that part about myself. I like being "da shit" misia-style. No one does Misia better than me.

This isn't a post that's farting out glitter, but it's also not a "pull your head out of your ass" post. It's just me. Hanging out, typing away on my Ebay laptop that I absolutely love. Who said you had to have everything figured out to move forward? Boring. I like running head first into the world and seeing if I end up unscathed.

So here's to the meh and here's to the butterflies and everything in between.

Merry Ms Berry

Mirror Mirror on my Wall

Mirror, mirror on the wall please show me what I've learned, if anything at all.

Recently I was told that a certain someone in my past, that at one point in her life was a ball of manipulating confusion, is now writing a advice blog on relationships. Being the curious cat that I am, I started to read said blog.

Her latest entry is named "#34 the year of Me". My first thoughts was....."she's always made everything about herself. How is this year any different?" As I read through what, from the untrained eye, could look like epiphanies, a coming to full awareness and enlightenment, I found myself gagging on her words. And I mean literally gagging as my $6 sub wanted to make a reappearance on my desk.

Though she "mentions" her going through trials and turbulent times at age 33, no where does she mention what she actually learned. It's one thing to appreciate the world around you, and for that I will be grateful for she was (still might be) one of the most ungrateful people I had known (hence "person from my past") but it's another thing to actually recognize where you might have gone wrong.

Here's what I know about patterns. You must recognize them to change them. If you don't recognize them then you are not able to change them. If you do not change them then are DOOMED to repeat them. And this girl repeating them a bunch. Shit! We all have. Hopefully for those who are reading this, you are know taking the time to become more aware of any patterns you might be in, right now!

How about an example? My currently place of employment.....just another toxic relationship. Though I spearheaded changing how my personal relationships in my life were handled, I never took the time to make sure the same crap didn't happen in my professional relationships. Well guess what happened? Yup and it took me 5 years, 3 major burns, and a bunch of smokin lies for me to decide to end this relationship. They saw I just wanted to do my best, and instead of rewarding me for it they kept me in my little box until I threatened to leave. Now I have a stupid promotion that I don't care about and am SO effin excited to already leave. See pattern. Change pattern. Start new chapter of life.

So Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all. That's right you! Okay, me too. It's your mirror!!! Figure it out.

Reflectively yours (aren't I clever) Merry Ms Berry

Commuting through Life

I have found myself getting more and more annoyed everyday with Chicago commuters. Now I know that most of them don't mean to be annoying because let's face it, most people really just think about themselves, oblivious to others around them. Not all, but too many.

Watching people go in and out, to and fro the Metra train, sidewalks, and buildings got me thinking about how people really live their lives.

How you handle your life is a lot like how you handle Chicago commuting.

I am one of those people that do not like to wait in the herds of masses. I do not use them as an excuse for any kind of tardiness and choose to get around them. I make the extra effort to plan a route, pick up the pace or take an extended route around the herd of people just to get around and ahead of them. While at the same time I do not push, hit or disrespect anyone else's personal space. I take extra precaution that I don't distrub anyone else. I think it's one of the nicer things I do throughout the day.

But then there's "the herd". That large group of people that move like molasses to a destination. People that will not make an extra effort to get started with their life because they use the exuse of everyone else is in there way. Or there are those that take their sweet time in the middle of the street or blocking a busy corner, all the while making people like myself HAVE to use more time and energy to get around them.

So? What kind of life commuter are you?

Are you the one that flies through the city, cutting your own paths to get where you want to go?

Do you feel safer in the middle the herd letting them guide you slowly to where you might or might not want to go?

Are you that person that is oblivious to the world around you, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk during rush hour to tie your shoe or catch up with a friend?

Or even yet! Are you the person on the sidelines asking for change, hoping that someone will have pity for you enough to spare some?

With that being said......GET OUT OF MY WAY, I HAVE THINGS TO DO!

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms. Berry

Dear 33 year old me,

It all changes this year....NO, it all changes this month.

Once again I've been burned and made to feel that I am someone that can get pushed around, stepped on and made to feel completely unimportant. I am Jack's broken heart.

I've put a lot of my happy into working for people only take care of those that whine, bitch and complain. That is not who I am. I work hard. I smile. I take care of others. And what do I get for it? I steaming pile of smoke and mirrors, broken promises and blatant lies to my cute little face.

Well, I've roughly updated my resume. Not that it really matters because I do not want another office position. The perks are not good enough when you are made to feel insignificant. And I am putting myself out there. Out anywhere where I am celebrated for being me.

But here's the fucking kicker of it all!!!! They are going to miss the living hell out of me when I'm gone. How do I know? Because every single time I would take any time off, whether a week long vacation or an extra couple days for a weekend to Las Vegas or New York City, I would come back and everyone would be singing my praises. Hugs and kisses galore! "Please don't leave. We missed you so much."

WELL if that were the case across the board I wouldn't feel so shitty. Yes, the women I work with and a handful of men, really do appreciate the work that I do. But then there's upper management. Those fucking pinheaded penny pinching blind sided, narrow minded muthafukas that want to "keep me in my place".

NOT ANYMORE!!!!!

FUCK ALL OF THEM!!!! I refuse to become some whiny two-bit shit head just to get noticed. Honor and praise those who work hard and go above and beyond for others around you, with NO ulterior motives.

I knew this was coming. I just didn't know exactly when. I thought I would have had a little bit more time to get my finances in order before throwing myself back out into the world. God has a different plan for me. He wants 2013, 95% to be all about being me. New me. Old me. The best me that I am supposed to be.

Here's to fucking ME!!!

Please forgive yourself

Our biggest and harshest judges in the world are ourselves. We are truly the hardest on the one person we should be loving the most.

We all makes mistakes. We all want to be amazing in life. Most of us want to accepted, appreciated and love around us that are closest.

This is a huge topic and I'm thinking I might break it up into a few posts or try to just get the major points down. I'm not sure, so we'll see what happens.

When we don't forgive ourselves for mistakes we've made or the shortcomings that we have, we beat ourselves up and keep the pain inside. A pain that lives in the past. We continue to repeat the pain that we've inflicted on ourselves and just like a skip in a movie or song, it plays over and over and over, damaging us even further.

We will all do it, but very few of us will actually forgive ourselves and move forward.

As humans we are given the opprotunity to make mistakes and learn from them. We can't change the past, we can only grow as individuals from those mistakes.

Too many times I would get lost in my head, wish I did something different, said something else, tried a different career move, never gave up horseback riding. I thought they were regrets but at the moment they weren't.

Whether we feel we are doing the right thing or not, we are still and will always be on our path. Our paths are riddled with mistakes, adventures, experiences and what not. That's the best part of life. Learning, letting go, moving forward and being a better person.

You are not the person you were yesterday or even this morning. Think about it. Everyday you wake up is another day to do something right, or better, or insane. Whatever it is, its just another day. We can try and fix our wrongdoings and apologize for our behavior, but that's about it. If it's not accepted then keep moving forward.

You will always wish at one point or another that you made a different decision but it was just wasn't meant to be at that moment. It is what it is. Let's say that together. IT IS WHAT IT IS!

Even like RIGHT NOW I see people living successfully in their careers and I wish I could emotionally take solace in that kind of mind set but I can't. I chose a different route for my life and I will continue to choose another route soon enough. I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be forever but I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. I always play the butterfly game in my head, but life really isn't like that. One way or another you will get steered back to the path that the universe wants you on.

With all that being said, look in the mirror and say "I forgive you." Its so powerful. And then let the past off your shoulders. Trust me, it's too heavy to carry. I know it's easier to forgive others than it is yourself, but you are more important. In the end other people might or might not care about if you forgive them or not, but you will always affected by you.

Forgivenly yours, Merry Ms Berry

God loves Sluts!

I find fighting on Facebook futile and immature, but that doesn't mean I don't like to stir the pot every now and again. I, also, don't like 2 faced people trying to push their opinions on other people when they have clearly done the walk of shame themselves.

I have a "friend" and I'm using that term loosely because she only seems to reach out to me when she's in need and never to just hang out, anymore. Before it didn't bother me so much because we both had extremely busy lives, so any time together was appreciated. I'm not sure what her life is exactly like now, since I never hear from her, but then again I've given up really trying to keep her in my life. It's just another path once intertwined now gaining distance. Now that this "friend" is married and pregnant, she feels that she has the right to publicly rip on people who she doesn't even know about things she barely knows anything about. She ridiculed a "star" and called her a whore on Facebook because of said "star's" dating life. Saying that she need to act classier if she's going to live in the public eye. Oh it gets better.

1) How is it classy calling someone, you don't even know anything about, a whore on Facebook? To tell someone to act classy, you have to be classy yourself, and KNOW what it means.

2) Said "friend" was a super slut!!!!
  - you might be able to hide the fact you were a slut from the world, the your friends know the truth

3) It takes a slut to know a slut

4) who cares? If someone wants to live in the public eye, transparently, I think they should be commended for it, not condemned. Dating, married, cheating, single, gay.....anything, it's their life!

5) She then went on blaming people like this "star" for teenage girl bullying because as a role model she shouldn't be jumping from guy to guy. But it's okay for her to jump bed to bed. hmm.....?


Ok, so when do we stop blaming everyone else for our own shortcomings? I grew up in the age of Madonna. MADONNA!!!! The leader of the public media sexual revolution! Like a virgin but NOT! But you didn't see me skanking it up in high school. I make conscious decisions and held myself responsible for ALL of them. While my other friends were getting promiscuous, I was working and focusing on bigger better things. I didn't care whether or not they were hooking up with people. It was their bodies and their choices. As long as I was allowed to be me, then they were allowed to be themselves, no judgement passed. The crazy thing was that they judged themselves more than I would ever dream to.

People who throw stones at glass houses need to quick calling the kettle black and look in the mirror. What you ridicule others for are the same things you don't like in yourself.

I called her out for passing judgement on this young woman. She said she's "just stating the facts." What facts? No one really knows anything about anyone's life. No body. No one knows if that public figure is a slut or not. All we know is that she's dated a lot of people. Even if she did get intimate with them, it's still nobody's business. Who cares?

This so call friend preaches God and Bible version every other Facebook post but then judges others on the next. Not to mention her love for Britney Spears....umm.....ex-crazy slut. If that's not 2 faced and hypocritical, then I don't know what it. God loves sluts!!! God loves prudes!  

Whether we make right or wrong choices, God loves all his children the same. He wants them to be happy. Who are we to judge whether what is right or wrong for a person? Now, I'm not condoning heinous acts like murder and such, I'm just staying if you want to give a part of yourself away, you can. If you want to save yourself for someone special, you can do that too.

To have this person think she knows anything about someone else bothers me. Maybe if she looked in the mirror every now and again she would have more compassion for those around her. Knowing her, she'll go back to living in her bubble where she thinks she knows better than anyone else. 

If you like to sleep around, God love ya for it. If you don't like to sleep around, God love ya for it.  If you are trying to figure it out along the way, the by golly keep trying to do so. Either way, we are all outsiders looking into to other people's lives. We will never truly know what is going on. Focus on how you treat others, whether online or in real lives because before you know it, you might push people who care away.

Justly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Failure is not really an option

This is piggybacking off a lovely lady's blog that I subscribe to. She claims that she sucks at relationships and fails more than not. Here's the thing about relationships, they are not like biology class. You do not pass or fail. They do not succeed or die. I am talking about ALL relationships. Intimate, friendship, professional or other. Our paths intertwine in and out of one another's lives all the time for reasons unknown in the beginning. Some relationships stay together for eternity and others end. It doesn't mean those that end are failures. They are learning experiences. They are helpful little stepping stones for our present and our futures.

Think about it. When one relationship ends, you take something from it with you and forever. Whether its good memories or bad, something profound, something learned. We are constantly learning from one another because we all have something to teach. Not one person knows everything. I believe it's humanly impossible to know, learn and retain all the information in the universe. Shit, I don't believe we've even scratched the surface of knowledge anyway.

How about some examples?

Even though I ended the relationship with the man I was first engaged to many moons ago, I never believed it to be a failure. I learned so much from that relationship that those marks on my heart will never fade. We were just not to be forever.

Some people are meant to in your life for a short time, others for longer.

Another example?

I had to deal with and survive through an extremely toxic relationship with this douche bag, lose a handful of "friends", only to reach out to others and ultimately find my hubby.

More?

Sometimes we are given shitty people in our lives to deal with in order to find our inner strength. It's another way for us to find out what our true morals & values are. We don't find these things out until we are tested against them. From within is where we find the strength to put our foot down and say "hey fucktard! That's not cool. I'm not going to pretend it is. It's rude & shitty of you. And I've decided I don't need someone like you in my life!"

I might have not used those exact words all the time, but some version of them quite enough to know when I'm done with having someone in my life. Here's the thing about people, they are ALL like cats on coke. One day they are all cuddly and then out of no where they turn on you when all you want to do is love on them. It is what it is. The older I'm getting the more I've realized who my truer friends are. The friends that want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine, and respect each other the same. There are even times when people leave your life and then somehow wonder back in at a completely different stage.

The only thing I can tell you is not to worry. Let people go. Like butterflies in the wind. Wish them the best and hopefully they won't get eaten by a passing bird, but if they do...it's God's will and not your own. Take what you can learn from it and move on. You are not meant to keep everyone you meet in your life. There's just not enough of you to go round. Also, there are 8 BILLION people in the world, there's no need to get caught up on a few.

I've met and been friends with hundreds of people, and I'm perfectly happy with who is in my life. I love them all. They might not be there next year, and if so, I know there will be a better person in their place. But for now....here's to the present and the people in it. Everyone can GPO!

Significantly yours, Merry Ms Berry