Faith's kick in the head

I am human. I fall. I falter. I rage. I cry. I get up and do it all over again.

It's been a weird couple of months. I must remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Repeat. I.am.exactly.where.I.am.supposed to be.

With that being in mind, it truly has been weird and I need to take in account the red flags that are currently presented to me. The hard working, defeated by nothing side of me says keep going, turn a blind eye, it's nothing you can't work through. The other side of me, the softer, injured, little bit more aware side of me says "GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE YOU DUMBASS!"

Let's proceed. I work 2 days a week for one of my closest guy friends for a creative agency he runs and owns. I love it! The work is admin work but I don't care because he's a blast to be around, he has great taste in tea, he includes me into his shenanagins and he let's me bring my dog to the studio. Yay best boss ever! Currently it's just making my bills, so my stress level is low.

Now here comes the part that needs....let's say "adjusting". On Fridays I babysit for one of the cutest babies ever. Love him! Love spending time with him. Since I am enjoying it so much I've decided to keep the good fight up to work with children as a nanny. A gentleman who is freshly out of a divorce contacted me to see if I might be interested in watching his boys after school. Now I wasn't really looking for after school stuff only because it's not a lot of hours and the age group is not really my "wheelhouse" ...per say.

The man was nice. His kids are nice. They are boys and they are exactly what normal boys their age are like. So.....why not? I felt bad for the guy. (problem #1) I shouldn't feel bad and put myself in a position I might not love.

Day 1 at new "job". I wake up to "dad" texting me that he might have locked me out of the house without knowing. No biggie. I don't mind having the boys at my house. I get to the house early to make sure that wasn't the case, all is good. I walk down to the school to get the boys and I am approached by a man looking for a "babysitter". Unwittingly I give him my number, tell him how much I charge and I will have to talk to him later. On the walk home this guy calls me. I told him that I need to focus on the boys and I need to talk to him after 6 pm. He says "okay" then tells me he'll just text me. Over the next hour he texts me 4 times with stupid shit. (problem #2) He then proceeds to call me "cutie" and asks if nannies do "overnights". UMM....WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE SMOKING? As professionally as I can after having a freak out moment with my husband, I tell  him that I "regretfully decline any and all babysitting positions". Luckily I haven't heard from him since, I was about to go a little cray cray wanna verbally stab stab. But I didn't have to. Yay.

We get back to the house and I take the boys to the park to be boys. Run, jump, climb, wrestle, break sticks against things......ya know boy stuff. Since they live right across the street from a park, the walk back was all of 2 seconds. I notice a car in the driveway and realized that it must be the ex-wife. A little earlier than I thought she would be there. (problem #3). The woman is just lovely, she really is. It was nice to meet her and chat for a moment. She let some "divorce" talk slip in during idol chit chat but hey, who am I to stop a lady on a rant? I leave early (problem #4) and go home.

I go home and decide to spend the whole next day cooking. I wake to "dad" texting me that he put the right key back and assures me that I won't be locked out. I ask if he's talking about the 12th of November and say no "today". Whaaaat? To my confusion I thought I worked for him 2 afternoons, come to find out its 3. Fun. Shaking the funk out of my sandy eyes I collect myself and start on my day as planned. I drive to pick up the boys from school because of the chance of rain. I see "dude" and run past him to the boys. Heebeejeebees!!! We drive back and as I pull into the driveway there are 2 cars in the drive. I am notified from my charges that it's mom and grandma. Huh?

I text the dad to let him know the situation. I talked the ex-wife and told her I would keep the boys busy while she packed up her stuff. She closes on a townhouse in 3 weeks. I guess it's crunch time. A couple hours in, many foam darts fired and the world saved from Russian vampires and I decide to leave. Everyone is having dinner together and I want to go home.

Can I look past any of these situations? Sure can. But do I want to? I took a job for extra money that's actually disrupting of commitments that I have, for a family that doesn't know how to communicate. They are nice people but something inside is telling me to move on. This is not for me. My darling hubby says stick with it, but I really don't want to. I have put myself in situations for the sake of money or other people too many times. This is not fun for me.

So here I am. 11:30pm on a Wednesday night and I'm writing to you. Halloween is tomorrow. It's raining outside and I love the sound. I've made up my mind. On Friday I will collect my pay...all $59...woo hoo...what a pain....and I will be moving on. Too bad too. The boys were hilarious.

Faithfully yours, Merry Ms Berry

Throw in the Towel - I let you!

I see my fellow blogger and friend from high school deciding that she will no longer blog out her mind. She finds no need to put her "pathetic woes" out into the universe (her words not mine). At this moment I think it's the best thing that she can do for herself.

There are always going to be points in your life where it's going to feel like you are spinning your wheels. Whether it is work, love, or home, there's always going to be something. This is called life and no one said you weren't allowed to take a break from it. Now I am not saying run away from your problems but as an example you are not having luck in the dating world, why not just stop. Can it get lonely, yes. But it's better to be single and lonely then having to deal with some crazy, wrong, douche bag. It's all how you look at it.

So where is this magical place called "peace"? It's in the one place you haven't looked because it's the simplest place to look. It's called nowhere exactly where you are. It's that moment when you cry every tear you can, pull yourself off the bathroom floor, completely exhausted, crawl into bed and pass out for 10 hours. It's that moment when you open your eyes and everything is a little bit better. It's a dream showing you what's really going on. It's laying on the floor with no clue on what to do. It's your brain giving up and trying to figure it out and just letting the universe take over. Good or bad, you just don't care anymore. You throw out any idea of what you thought you had for yourself and your life and just throw it out the window. You accept what you are and have that this very moment and say "I'm exactly where I am supposed to be".

I am nowhere I thought I would be when I was 25 years old. I had this image in my mind of someone completely different. I had a string of bad dates, crazy boyfriends, multiple businesses and NOTHING was panning out. And I mean NOTHING. Hot boyfriend?......Crazy drunk boy with emotional issues. Good steady corporate operations position?......for alcoholic fueled industry that was too cheap to give me a full time assistant. Online retail business?......got pulled in a million different directions from partners and client, completely losing myself in the process. Nightclub marketing company?........long nights, no pay, drug and alcohol fueled clientele. A million bad dates!!! Oh, throw a random bootycall in from my ex-boyfriend that would emotionally mess me up more. So you can kinda say that I was a mess because all of this was falling apart, add some friends stabbing me in the back and it was a sucky couple of years.

I threw my hands in the air and said FINE! Whatever! I don't care. I slowly let go of all this above doodie and life took me in a completely different direction. AND I wouldn't change any of it. I am so much happier not being the above person that I couldn't fathom going back to how things were. Is my life perfect, I wouldn't even know how to answer that. It's perfect for what I need right now. I have a handful of amazing friends. I have a little bit of work to keep me out of house. I had to put my dreams of world domination on the back burner because it was not my path. I am at peace with what my life didn't turn out to be. I love not having to deal with life the way it was. But it took my falling apart for me to see any of it.

Unconsciously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Letting go means getting to move forward.

As of May 15th I left the corporate world behind me. Since then I put a summer semester of school under my belt. I found that learning about early childhood development is something that I have been practicing for my whole life. Or at least a huge part of it. From people watching to running multi-million dollar corporate offices, it all brought me to learn more about myself.

So? Where am I now? I am sitting on the couch an unemployed housewife. I almost ready to go back to work but has found solace in my home. Yup. I like being home. I haven't had taken time for myself in....umm.....probably close to 20 years, now that I think of it. If I wasn't going to school full time and working, then I was working 2 or 3 jobs, having a relationship with some dude, building a company, traveling all over the country, being a road warrior and people ever one else's damns needs before my own. Well shit! Here I am. I am doing a whole lot of nuttin' and FREAKING LOVING EVER SECOND OF IT!

Now, on to the next part of my plan. Umm, I don't have one and I don't care. I know my life is out there but right now I'm enjoying the couple weeks that I have left of my 24/7 freedom. Freedom to call the shots one way or another just for myself. It's quite bizarre actually. I hope that I get another chance in life to do this again. I hope everyone who ever wants to take that chance gets to take it. I thought I would be a lot more productive, ass kicking and super health Nazi, but I not even close. Okay, I lie. I'm closer that I give myself credit but I'm not breaking my back to do so.

Here's where my learning of life comes into play. I don't have to a plan. I don't have to know what tomorrow brings. I don't need to save the world nor do I have the urge to take it over. Yes, I could have started writing, dancing, painting, but I didn't feel the urge to. I could have done anything in the world but all I wanted to do was get away from it. My home is where I wanted to be. I wanted time to zone out. I wanted time to walk my dog. I wanted time to take my bike to the store, and I have done all those things.

I have lived a life for the world and it got me nowhere except a bunch of battle scars that I wear proudly. So here I am. Just me for me. Me for my home. Me for my husband. Big, tall, small, loud, pretty, messy or forgetful, I don't care. I did me.

The next chapter will be here soon, until then I'll be here do something, anything or maybe nothing. Either way it's all good and I'm loving every second of it.

Every direction is yours

I haven't written anything since April. That's a pretty substantial amount of time to not let my brain leak all over the screen. Let me catch you up on what's happened since my last post.

1) After being told I was getting promoted back in December, the company I slaved for moved me over and then I shortly gave my notice I was leaving. 

2) I signed up for classes at the local community college near my home. 

3) Said company asked me if I wanted to work part time and go to school. I declined.

4) I thought I was getting paid out for the rest of my "paid time off" that I thought I earned over the 5 years I slaved there. I was wrong. It's was less than 1/2 of what I was expecting. I cried. I yelped. I was emotional on how I allowed myself to stay with such a toxic company for so long. I told them to quit emailing me for I was no longer helping them out, out of the kindness of my heart. And they sent me a cease and desist letter. Ha! I laughed and took the yelp review down immediate. I actually had forgotten about it by the time they emailed me. But NOT before it went viral throughout the whole company. Ya, they can suck it!

5) I'm unemployed. I'm a student. I'm a housewife. I've never written so many papers in my life. I don't like washing dishes but there are beer growlers in my dishwasher. I like not working!!!! It's a blast. 

What I've learned through all that has happened in the last 3 months. I need to continue to let things go. I tried to continue my kick ass, doing everything mentality after I left my jobby job and it just wasn't jiving with my new life. I get my homework done, I do housework, I'll walk the dog and then I can do whatever I want. That even includes nothing!!! Which I have taken a liking to. mmmmm nothing. 

I try not to spend money that I don't need to. I stay local. I try and see friends when I can but everyone's life is so busy especially compared to mine that I don't force it. If things fall together then they do. If not I'm chosen not to let it get to me. 

I have fallen out of love with running. I can only look at the same stuff so many times. Maybe I'll start again after school, when I'm not feeling so lazy. I don't workout and I don't care. I'm the same size I have been for a few years. All my clothes fit, for the most part, and I'm at peace with that. 

People have noticed a change in my face, that I look happier and less stressed, because I totally am. Yes, I think about the future because I have NO plans. I've never not had plans. It's quite strange. I'm letting God lead me where he may. I know he'll bless me as I choose to bless those around me. My dog has become insanely attached to having me around and I find it adorable. 

Here's to letting go!!!!

Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry

True you vs. other's feelings

With each post I try to let all of you into little parts of my life, who I was, who I am and who I want to be. From the outside, I tried to look like I had to all together and that I was totally in control. The truth was that inside I was a bowling ball of emotional reckoning and obsessive control. One of my puppet tricks was to tell people what they wanted to hear in just a way to get a desired action or result from them. Now before you start judging me like I'm an evil doer, I was actually the opposite. I would use my super mind controlling powers for good. Later in my life I found out that I was actually putting other people's lives and feelings ahead of my own. I was acting in a manner that kept me in the background along with my feelings. I was used to putting other people first and sometimes that can be a good thing, most of the times its not.

After my 2nd....yes 2nd emotional/mental breakdown around the age of 17 I decided to stop putting everyone's feelings above my own. I didn't go insane and write everyone off, I was just able to freely speak my mind and openly express what I was feeling. Let me just say it felt.....AMAZING!!! I got out of my own way. I was so concerned about the turkeys in my life and I was restricting my own. From that point I knew who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to act was solely in my control and NO ONE was going to stop me (moowahahaha). Now I can't say that it wasn't all rainbows & butterflies.
My new found self was not without some push back, but the best part of being me at this point was my lack of qualms blowing people out of the water. I had been a doormat and been taken advantage of for so long that I have some seriously deep seeded resentment built up and coming out of me at a strong and steady stream. Poke the bear.....lose a hand.

I eventually leveled off and made hundred's of friends around me that appreciated my kindness, compassion and ass-kicking bad-ass-ness. I would have never created myself to be as awesome as I could possibly be if I didn't lose my mind first.

If you ever feel that no one is hearing you, open your mouth a little bigger and let the heaven's hear you. If after that there's still no change, time to change direction. I don't suggest burning bridges unless you never want someone in your life, but I have found sometimes it's necessary. I've burned quite a few in my life and I have NO regrets for it. We are not meant to friends, lovers or even acquaintances with everyone you meet. You will not mesh with everyone. Even those who you have some sort of connection, whether emotion or physical, might not stay in your life.

The only thing that you can control is you. The great you that needs to always stay true to yourself. The you that can only make you great! Stay True Blue to You!

Forever me, forever you, Merry Ms Berry

Breaking Patterns. Stop being insane.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. " Albert Einstein

Ever find yourself having the same fight repeatedly? Ever seem to find yourself in the same toxic relationship but with a different person? Have you ever sat back and wondered "this again? WTF?"

Welcome to finding a pattern. They are the hardest to realize and maybe equally as hard to break if you aren't used to doing so. 

As creatures of habit, we humans get stuck in routines and ruts where we go through the motions without even realizing that we are stuck. Or we think we need to keep "working at it", "fight through it" or just plain drive ourselves insane. 

How about a few examples?

My current place of employment for the next 4 weeks is a place that I gave a lot of, not only, chances but emotions and energy. They made me feel that I had to prove myself over and over and over and fucking shoot me please. After having proved myself more than enough times that I was smart, willing and able I seemed to consistency be "put in my place" or "passed over" or just darn right dissed. But, I kept trying. I kept going. Why? Because I did have something to prove. That I was a badass and deserved to be treated as such. It wasn't until the 3rd BURN of my current career is when I realized that things are not going to change around here and that it was me that had to do the changing. BAM! I quit. Okay fine. I put my ducks in a role, made an exit plan and gave a 5 week notice. Yes, I could have done it differently and really stuck it to them but the few people that I do work with I really do like. 

Example #2. The toxic cyclical relationship

My first long term, uber serious relationship. We were toxic from the word go, and we weren't even together yet. The land of red flags but we kept trying. And then we were together, it didn't get any easier. Passionate, firey, exciting and insane? Yes! Stable, forthcoming, easy, smooth? Not a chance. He would get insecure about how I was living my life and make not only digs at me but my friends. I would get super mad break up with for a week, take him back and let the love try to continue. Love, fight, make up. Love, fight, make up. Though the "making up" was absolutely hot and awesome, the repeated times of having to "make up" was wearing. So wearing that I had no fight left in me. I had no "make up" left in me. I had to change. He said I never gave him a chance to show me he could change. Dude, seriously? Outside of the 2 years we were together there were years before that and ever years after that. It just wasn't meant to be, but I had to change it all up to really see that. 

If you don't pull yourself away from a situation you'll never know where the change needs to happen. 

If you keep doing the same thing and you always end up shitty....change. Life is about change. Pull back, reevaluate, move forward. But change is needed. 

Epically yours, Merry Ms Berry

May 15th May 15th May 15th...keep breathing. I'll make it.

If you haven't guessed it, I have chosen the date of May 15th to start my new life. As of today I am able to register for classes, but so far I am having a hard time doing it online.

In the past month or so I have slowly been setting up my little ducks in a row to change my life...FOREVER!

May 15th will be the last day that I will be at my current corporate, fancy schmancy, downtown Chicago job. I will be going back to school and have super crazy faith that everything will turn out amazingly.

I picked this date a couple of weeks ago. Then last week I was told to think about working here on a part time basis while in school. Then I had "one of those days" where my head was spinning and I crawled home emotionally wiped the fuck out. From that day on I knew I couldn't work this "Operations Assistant" draining position and effectively go back to school.

Knowing that you get to leave a job makes being here that much harder. Though I don't have to bite my tongue I still do. The few people that are my supervisors I truly do adore and then everyone else gets on my last nerve. The lack of care and common courtesy is still amazing to me. Yes, yes, I know it's one of things that's all around the world and a part of life.

Patiently I have been taking little steps to properly set myself up for success in leaving my job. From extra classes and conferences about my new life, to making sure I've set up everything at the new school or keeping my profiles updating and visually scanning for new positions everyday. All my friends and family that I talk to so far have mostly be very supportive. Of course I get the "why don't you do this, or do that?" I always say thank you but most of it doesn't sound fun to me. I need to be completely engaged and having fun.

So....soon! It's gonna be great. New chapter of my life posts to come soon.

Excitedly, Merry Ms Berry