You tell me and you tell me NOW

It's Tuesday and I feel like I'm back being a bartender. People think, somehow, it's a glamorous life to be a bartender but it really isn't. I felt morally and ethically compromised being a bartender for a long period of time. With that said, I do not feel that I am compromising my morals by any means right now. I feel like I'm standing still, in an elevator, waiting for my floor of uncertainty to arrive and listening to the worst of Kenny G in the process. (Sorry mom. Easy listening is not easy to listen to for me).

So here I am. I have it really good compared to a lot of people and I'm not saying that to brag, I'm really not. I am saying that because something is missing. I feel like I should be doing more. Feeling more. Moving more. Experiencing more. Just more. But I don't know what it is.

I went back to painting for a very short period of time and it hasn't filled me up. I've had my highs and my lows. I've run around like a crazy person and I've sobbed in bed for a couple days straight. But where do I go from here. Where is my joy? How do I find it? Who do I ask? I'm emotionally laying low and incognito. I feel bipolar and almost ready to snap, then again it's almost numbing.

I am truly blessed with what and who are in my life, so why am I not elated? Why do I feel so empty? And why aren't the answers smacking me in the face?

I sold a painting and it was nice to give a little part of myself to someone who wanted it. Is that it? Am I not wanted? Do I crave necessity from a deeper place? Should I grab my notebook and painstakingly crave my grey heart out in poems that makes others weep for me?

I have found that my best works of anything have comes from the deep, dark, painful hollows of my soul. That place no one likes to visit, yet I know all to familiar. The place my rage comes from. hmm? Something to look into. If something is stirring, it needs to come out. If it doesn't, my anguish will continue.

I want to sleep for days. But alas, I cannot.

To the bat cave!

All Saints were Sinners

First and foremost, God is Love. Unconditional, puppy loving, bright light shining, mom hugging, love. With that being said, He does let the Universe balance itself out and allows obstacles in your way to help make you a better person by battling those lessons. I am a product of this.

As an observer of life and people in their own little worlds, I have a tendency to get sucked into them. Sometimes my observations are welcomed, other times they are not appreciated, though they are always asked for.

Recently I let myself get sucked into some neighbor drama that slowly leaked itself into my life. Bad Misia Bad! What I have learned from all of this that unless you are working with both parties at fault nothing good will come out of the situation for the mediator. At this point I wanted to be the mediator but was a friend that chose sides. I chose a side because of my painful past that I had to survive through. I still have a deep scar from a painful relationship I had to claw my way out of. So, of course it wasn't hard to side with my girl dealing with crazy. But here is where I come at fault. She wasn't getting rid of the crazy, she was trying to dealing with, mold and transfer the crazy into something she thought she had from before. Instead of kicking crazy to the curb she let it back in thinking it would change.

It got to the point where I was hearing the same shit over and over and over again. Things that as young adults we go through and as we get older should have a lower tolerance for. This was not the case. The day it affected my relationship was the day things were not going to change with or without my help.

Exit stage left. For the sake of my own relationship, for me choosing side when I should have kept myself out it. For the damage I've felt and compassion I feel for others. I am learning to say when enough is enough for my life. It takes longer than most, I'm just a big mush ball inside. Far reach from my post the other night.

With all that being said. If you continue to be yourself, making mistakes and all, if you can take a step back and make sure all is right in your world, the world itself with right its own wrongs.

I'm sorry this post isn't more exciting or full of deeper thought provoking ideals. But I'm not dead yet. More to come eventually.

Mistakenly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Don't think I won't light you on fire

I have been known to maybe kinda lose my cool. I would like to think when I do it's warranted and well deserved. Last weekend was about 93% deserved.

My love and I were our with the neighbors for a 30th surprise birthday party. From start to finish and everything in between was so much, I'm so happy I was a part of it. Throughout the evening little did I know that my love was dealing with a douche bag in disguise. I later to come find this out as he was about to rage out on this pea-brain individual. At this point the whole lot of us were inebriated. I was not as bad as the rest since drinking is completely different for me now that I have switched to a gluten free diet. I drink less because I drink wine now. I don't chug it and I get a buzz a lot quicker than anything.

I go outside to get some air and notice my love is 2 seconds from losing his mind with rage. Trying to figure out what was going on and what might happen in the near near future, like my husband going through a wall, I decide that it is time to go. I am one all about options. I assess situations and come up with 2 possible decisions to make with different outcomes. So 1. either confront this little douche bag and let's be done with it. Or 2. we're leaving. Apparently the options I had to given were both unacceptable, leaving my husband snorting steam from his nostrils about to go all "Torro" at dude.

So, I took it upon myself to get down to the bottom of this. I went into confronted the douche bag at hand and to no surprise this little POS had nothing to say to me. In the mean time a good girl friend of mine proceeded to put herself in between myself and said douche. Without running her over and trying to explain the situation, MissMissyMissCalmDown made the wrong move in deciding to tell me what to do and how to do it. As controlled as I could be defending my lunatic of a husband, I explained this dispute and nothing to do with her and this little shit had some explaining to do. Within a few minutes Senor Douche stands up and decides to tell me "F*** your husband".

Exsqueeze me? Does this dude not know a slightly disturbed I am and what damage I am capable of? Apparently not. I take a couple steps closer to him and MissMissyMiss is not getting her way, I'm not agreeing with her and now she's taken the side of this guy, explaining some shit about he's our friends cousin blah blah blah. I don't give a fly monkey fawk who's cousin this is, I'm gonna drag this guy out and show him us Polish ladies handle disrespect in the family.

At this moment MissMissyMiss has been offended and telling me to leaving. I tell her how much of a douche her friend is, get her priorities straight and proceed out the door, dragging my husband behind me to the truck. I would like to say it ended there but it didn't. At home there was more Tasmanian devil like behavior but that's not here or there right now.

Since MissMissyMiss is(was, pretty sure still is) a friend of mine, I chose NOT to run her over, toss her to the side or verbally slice her apart. I chose to leave before I left bodies on the floor. Aren't I nice? I make it into bed and wake to a voice mail from my friend wanting to talk it out and move on. Usually I'm not one to sweep things under the rug. I like to acknowledge, dissect and move forward. After a day or so I decided this was ONE instance that was never to be talked over again. No good was going to come up it.

Moral of the story: If I have something to say, 93% of the time it's with good reason and well deserved. Let the chips fall where they may. Don't make fights that aren't your own and just sit back and enjoy the ride. Get in my way and there's a small chance I'll either push you, climb or pick you up and set you out of my way. It's not wise to stand there all toughy tough and get verbally slaughtered.

Thank God these instances so far and few in between.

Lovingly yours, Merry Ms Berry

Faith's kick in the head

I am human. I fall. I falter. I rage. I cry. I get up and do it all over again.

It's been a weird couple of months. I must remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Repeat. I.am.exactly.where.I.am.supposed to be.

With that being in mind, it truly has been weird and I need to take in account the red flags that are currently presented to me. The hard working, defeated by nothing side of me says keep going, turn a blind eye, it's nothing you can't work through. The other side of me, the softer, injured, little bit more aware side of me says "GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE YOU DUMBASS!"

Let's proceed. I work 2 days a week for one of my closest guy friends for a creative agency he runs and owns. I love it! The work is admin work but I don't care because he's a blast to be around, he has great taste in tea, he includes me into his shenanagins and he let's me bring my dog to the studio. Yay best boss ever! Currently it's just making my bills, so my stress level is low.

Now here comes the part that needs....let's say "adjusting". On Fridays I babysit for one of the cutest babies ever. Love him! Love spending time with him. Since I am enjoying it so much I've decided to keep the good fight up to work with children as a nanny. A gentleman who is freshly out of a divorce contacted me to see if I might be interested in watching his boys after school. Now I wasn't really looking for after school stuff only because it's not a lot of hours and the age group is not really my "wheelhouse" ...per say.

The man was nice. His kids are nice. They are boys and they are exactly what normal boys their age are like. So.....why not? I felt bad for the guy. (problem #1) I shouldn't feel bad and put myself in a position I might not love.

Day 1 at new "job". I wake up to "dad" texting me that he might have locked me out of the house without knowing. No biggie. I don't mind having the boys at my house. I get to the house early to make sure that wasn't the case, all is good. I walk down to the school to get the boys and I am approached by a man looking for a "babysitter". Unwittingly I give him my number, tell him how much I charge and I will have to talk to him later. On the walk home this guy calls me. I told him that I need to focus on the boys and I need to talk to him after 6 pm. He says "okay" then tells me he'll just text me. Over the next hour he texts me 4 times with stupid shit. (problem #2) He then proceeds to call me "cutie" and asks if nannies do "overnights". UMM....WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE SMOKING? As professionally as I can after having a freak out moment with my husband, I tell  him that I "regretfully decline any and all babysitting positions". Luckily I haven't heard from him since, I was about to go a little cray cray wanna verbally stab stab. But I didn't have to. Yay.

We get back to the house and I take the boys to the park to be boys. Run, jump, climb, wrestle, break sticks against things......ya know boy stuff. Since they live right across the street from a park, the walk back was all of 2 seconds. I notice a car in the driveway and realized that it must be the ex-wife. A little earlier than I thought she would be there. (problem #3). The woman is just lovely, she really is. It was nice to meet her and chat for a moment. She let some "divorce" talk slip in during idol chit chat but hey, who am I to stop a lady on a rant? I leave early (problem #4) and go home.

I go home and decide to spend the whole next day cooking. I wake to "dad" texting me that he put the right key back and assures me that I won't be locked out. I ask if he's talking about the 12th of November and say no "today". Whaaaat? To my confusion I thought I worked for him 2 afternoons, come to find out its 3. Fun. Shaking the funk out of my sandy eyes I collect myself and start on my day as planned. I drive to pick up the boys from school because of the chance of rain. I see "dude" and run past him to the boys. Heebeejeebees!!! We drive back and as I pull into the driveway there are 2 cars in the drive. I am notified from my charges that it's mom and grandma. Huh?

I text the dad to let him know the situation. I talked the ex-wife and told her I would keep the boys busy while she packed up her stuff. She closes on a townhouse in 3 weeks. I guess it's crunch time. A couple hours in, many foam darts fired and the world saved from Russian vampires and I decide to leave. Everyone is having dinner together and I want to go home.

Can I look past any of these situations? Sure can. But do I want to? I took a job for extra money that's actually disrupting of commitments that I have, for a family that doesn't know how to communicate. They are nice people but something inside is telling me to move on. This is not for me. My darling hubby says stick with it, but I really don't want to. I have put myself in situations for the sake of money or other people too many times. This is not fun for me.

So here I am. 11:30pm on a Wednesday night and I'm writing to you. Halloween is tomorrow. It's raining outside and I love the sound. I've made up my mind. On Friday I will collect my pay...all $59...woo hoo...what a pain....and I will be moving on. Too bad too. The boys were hilarious.

Faithfully yours, Merry Ms Berry

Throw in the Towel - I let you!

I see my fellow blogger and friend from high school deciding that she will no longer blog out her mind. She finds no need to put her "pathetic woes" out into the universe (her words not mine). At this moment I think it's the best thing that she can do for herself.

There are always going to be points in your life where it's going to feel like you are spinning your wheels. Whether it is work, love, or home, there's always going to be something. This is called life and no one said you weren't allowed to take a break from it. Now I am not saying run away from your problems but as an example you are not having luck in the dating world, why not just stop. Can it get lonely, yes. But it's better to be single and lonely then having to deal with some crazy, wrong, douche bag. It's all how you look at it.

So where is this magical place called "peace"? It's in the one place you haven't looked because it's the simplest place to look. It's called nowhere exactly where you are. It's that moment when you cry every tear you can, pull yourself off the bathroom floor, completely exhausted, crawl into bed and pass out for 10 hours. It's that moment when you open your eyes and everything is a little bit better. It's a dream showing you what's really going on. It's laying on the floor with no clue on what to do. It's your brain giving up and trying to figure it out and just letting the universe take over. Good or bad, you just don't care anymore. You throw out any idea of what you thought you had for yourself and your life and just throw it out the window. You accept what you are and have that this very moment and say "I'm exactly where I am supposed to be".

I am nowhere I thought I would be when I was 25 years old. I had this image in my mind of someone completely different. I had a string of bad dates, crazy boyfriends, multiple businesses and NOTHING was panning out. And I mean NOTHING. Hot boyfriend?......Crazy drunk boy with emotional issues. Good steady corporate operations position?......for alcoholic fueled industry that was too cheap to give me a full time assistant. Online retail business?......got pulled in a million different directions from partners and client, completely losing myself in the process. Nightclub marketing company?........long nights, no pay, drug and alcohol fueled clientele. A million bad dates!!! Oh, throw a random bootycall in from my ex-boyfriend that would emotionally mess me up more. So you can kinda say that I was a mess because all of this was falling apart, add some friends stabbing me in the back and it was a sucky couple of years.

I threw my hands in the air and said FINE! Whatever! I don't care. I slowly let go of all this above doodie and life took me in a completely different direction. AND I wouldn't change any of it. I am so much happier not being the above person that I couldn't fathom going back to how things were. Is my life perfect, I wouldn't even know how to answer that. It's perfect for what I need right now. I have a handful of amazing friends. I have a little bit of work to keep me out of house. I had to put my dreams of world domination on the back burner because it was not my path. I am at peace with what my life didn't turn out to be. I love not having to deal with life the way it was. But it took my falling apart for me to see any of it.

Unconsciously yours, Merry Ms Berry

Letting go means getting to move forward.

As of May 15th I left the corporate world behind me. Since then I put a summer semester of school under my belt. I found that learning about early childhood development is something that I have been practicing for my whole life. Or at least a huge part of it. From people watching to running multi-million dollar corporate offices, it all brought me to learn more about myself.

So? Where am I now? I am sitting on the couch an unemployed housewife. I almost ready to go back to work but has found solace in my home. Yup. I like being home. I haven't had taken time for myself in....umm.....probably close to 20 years, now that I think of it. If I wasn't going to school full time and working, then I was working 2 or 3 jobs, having a relationship with some dude, building a company, traveling all over the country, being a road warrior and people ever one else's damns needs before my own. Well shit! Here I am. I am doing a whole lot of nuttin' and FREAKING LOVING EVER SECOND OF IT!

Now, on to the next part of my plan. Umm, I don't have one and I don't care. I know my life is out there but right now I'm enjoying the couple weeks that I have left of my 24/7 freedom. Freedom to call the shots one way or another just for myself. It's quite bizarre actually. I hope that I get another chance in life to do this again. I hope everyone who ever wants to take that chance gets to take it. I thought I would be a lot more productive, ass kicking and super health Nazi, but I not even close. Okay, I lie. I'm closer that I give myself credit but I'm not breaking my back to do so.

Here's where my learning of life comes into play. I don't have to a plan. I don't have to know what tomorrow brings. I don't need to save the world nor do I have the urge to take it over. Yes, I could have started writing, dancing, painting, but I didn't feel the urge to. I could have done anything in the world but all I wanted to do was get away from it. My home is where I wanted to be. I wanted time to zone out. I wanted time to walk my dog. I wanted time to take my bike to the store, and I have done all those things.

I have lived a life for the world and it got me nowhere except a bunch of battle scars that I wear proudly. So here I am. Just me for me. Me for my home. Me for my husband. Big, tall, small, loud, pretty, messy or forgetful, I don't care. I did me.

The next chapter will be here soon, until then I'll be here do something, anything or maybe nothing. Either way it's all good and I'm loving every second of it.

Every direction is yours

I haven't written anything since April. That's a pretty substantial amount of time to not let my brain leak all over the screen. Let me catch you up on what's happened since my last post.

1) After being told I was getting promoted back in December, the company I slaved for moved me over and then I shortly gave my notice I was leaving. 

2) I signed up for classes at the local community college near my home. 

3) Said company asked me if I wanted to work part time and go to school. I declined.

4) I thought I was getting paid out for the rest of my "paid time off" that I thought I earned over the 5 years I slaved there. I was wrong. It's was less than 1/2 of what I was expecting. I cried. I yelped. I was emotional on how I allowed myself to stay with such a toxic company for so long. I told them to quit emailing me for I was no longer helping them out, out of the kindness of my heart. And they sent me a cease and desist letter. Ha! I laughed and took the yelp review down immediate. I actually had forgotten about it by the time they emailed me. But NOT before it went viral throughout the whole company. Ya, they can suck it!

5) I'm unemployed. I'm a student. I'm a housewife. I've never written so many papers in my life. I don't like washing dishes but there are beer growlers in my dishwasher. I like not working!!!! It's a blast. 

What I've learned through all that has happened in the last 3 months. I need to continue to let things go. I tried to continue my kick ass, doing everything mentality after I left my jobby job and it just wasn't jiving with my new life. I get my homework done, I do housework, I'll walk the dog and then I can do whatever I want. That even includes nothing!!! Which I have taken a liking to. mmmmm nothing. 

I try not to spend money that I don't need to. I stay local. I try and see friends when I can but everyone's life is so busy especially compared to mine that I don't force it. If things fall together then they do. If not I'm chosen not to let it get to me. 

I have fallen out of love with running. I can only look at the same stuff so many times. Maybe I'll start again after school, when I'm not feeling so lazy. I don't workout and I don't care. I'm the same size I have been for a few years. All my clothes fit, for the most part, and I'm at peace with that. 

People have noticed a change in my face, that I look happier and less stressed, because I totally am. Yes, I think about the future because I have NO plans. I've never not had plans. It's quite strange. I'm letting God lead me where he may. I know he'll bless me as I choose to bless those around me. My dog has become insanely attached to having me around and I find it adorable. 

Here's to letting go!!!!

Peacefully yours, Merry Ms Berry